aight. dark daughta tagged me. thanks, sistren, 'cause it gives me something to write about today...
the "rules"- Post the rules before you give the facts. Post eight random facts about yourself. At the end of your blog post, you need to tag eight people and list their names. Leave the people you tagged a comment on their blog, letting them know that they've been tagged.*
let's see.
one.
i have a love/hate relationship with my creativity.
two.
intellectual boredom depresses me. it's one of the main reasons i need a new job. if i'm going to be bored somewhere else, the least i can do is make enough money to take a vacation here and there and escape.
three.
i always thought i'd find one guy, settle down, and live happily ever after. babies optional. but now that i'm almost 30 and kinda sorta single again i wonder if it's possible. after two soulmates and the past four years of trying to work it out on earth, i'm exhausted. but i know i love love too much to stop trying.
three.
my inner vision and understanding of myself don't match up (at this moment) with my outer life. this also worries/distresses me.
four.
i am most comfortable with one foot in this world and the other in the spirit world. but there are very few conditions and circumstances that allow this to happen.
five.
i want a drum. i think that, somehow, i instinctively know how to play, and that learning will enrich me in some way.
six.
i'm pretty sure i'm gonna start my locs again. i loved them. i don't regret letting go of the years and the experiences that began that leg of my journey, but when phase two starts, i want another set to mark it. maybe i'll let those get to my knees.
seven.
my unintentional weight loss isn't too bad after all. i miss my ass though.
eight.
i'm waiting for someone to write about me the way i wrote/write about him.
*i always tag in reverse. or refuse to tag, if that makes more sense. if you're up to it, follow suit. if not, cool. i've always been bad at chain letters. lol.
10.04.2007
10.03.2007
life lesson #281092059
even the oldest, most powerful love needs time, care, and attention.
any castle, despite its magnificence, will fall into ruin if it is not cared for.
any castle, despite its magnificence, will fall into ruin if it is not cared for.
10.02.2007
starve your art to feed your face
i feel you, girl...
i have lost no less than 4-5 essays/poems in the last couple of days.
this time of year sends me into monk mode. prayer, dreaming, communing, writing. those are pretty high on my list right now.
fielding emails, ordering supplies, and catering to whims is not.
my best stuff comes from wide, open spaces. half trance and total absorption.
i've learned how to steal time. blogging at my desk when something strikes me, scribbling in a notebook while waiting for the shuttle, etc.
i'm still re-learning flow, trying to honor my commitment to eliminate self-censorship.
freewrite to cut the fat.
prose journaling for emotions or to chronicle life.
pure emotion manifests as poetry.
post-meditation epiphanies.
one day we'll have the time and space to give these worlds and words the shape and form they deserve.
til then, back to the grind...
i have lost no less than 4-5 essays/poems in the last couple of days.
this time of year sends me into monk mode. prayer, dreaming, communing, writing. those are pretty high on my list right now.
fielding emails, ordering supplies, and catering to whims is not.
my best stuff comes from wide, open spaces. half trance and total absorption.
i've learned how to steal time. blogging at my desk when something strikes me, scribbling in a notebook while waiting for the shuttle, etc.
i'm still re-learning flow, trying to honor my commitment to eliminate self-censorship.
freewrite to cut the fat.
prose journaling for emotions or to chronicle life.
pure emotion manifests as poetry.
post-meditation epiphanies.
one day we'll have the time and space to give these worlds and words the shape and form they deserve.
til then, back to the grind...
10.01.2007
it's party time...
well, not for me. but this is an unusual time of year.
my antennae are a little sharper than usual.
so i see the world a little differently.
last night i told the-man-sometimes-known-as-honey that i'm tempted to walk around with a medicine bag full of juju and bless random people. get a plane and crop dust the 'hood with omiero.
the ancestors are grieving the losses that come too soon from misaligned ori and despair so internalized it's become an artificial aura.
lamenting because their families have blocked out their voices--all the better to hear the preacher man.
etc. and so on.
yeah.
life gets interesting in the fall.
p.s.--it's nice to know that a place like this exists. if i'd had access to something like that, it'd be interesting to see where i'd be now.
my antennae are a little sharper than usual.
so i see the world a little differently.
last night i told the-man-sometimes-known-as-honey that i'm tempted to walk around with a medicine bag full of juju and bless random people. get a plane and crop dust the 'hood with omiero.
the ancestors are grieving the losses that come too soon from misaligned ori and despair so internalized it's become an artificial aura.
lamenting because their families have blocked out their voices--all the better to hear the preacher man.
etc. and so on.
yeah.
life gets interesting in the fall.
p.s.--it's nice to know that a place like this exists. if i'd had access to something like that, it'd be interesting to see where i'd be now.
9.30.2007
scene: a path of asphalt in front of a shopping center
players:
child, female, about 4-5 years old
teenaged girl
woman, maybe 30, more likely mid to late 20s
middle-aged woman and her 20-something daughter, in car
action:
baby girl stumbles while crossing the street.
woman responds by striking baby girl in the back--open handed, but hard. yanks baby girl up by her arm.
woman smacks baby girl again, not as hard, presumably for being upset about being slapped for falling.
teen is quiet.
20-something daughter jumps out of car and strikes baby girl's mother across the face with her car keys asking, "how'd that feel?"
...
well, the last part didn't happen.
but the rest of it did...
child, female, about 4-5 years old
teenaged girl
woman, maybe 30, more likely mid to late 20s
middle-aged woman and her 20-something daughter, in car
action:
baby girl stumbles while crossing the street.
woman responds by striking baby girl in the back--open handed, but hard. yanks baby girl up by her arm.
woman smacks baby girl again, not as hard, presumably for being upset about being slapped for falling.
teen is quiet.
20-something daughter jumps out of car and strikes baby girl's mother across the face with her car keys asking, "how'd that feel?"
...
well, the last part didn't happen.
but the rest of it did...
in response...
this dark daughta post (bkground collage not quite work safe) inspired the following comment:
do you think that by "resources" bell really meant the more institutionalized things, e.g., banks/financial, real estate...the overreaching sorts of things that have generated wealth for whitefolk?
'cause we DON'T really have those resources...not in large numbers.
the clip was so short, it's difficult to know who clarified what, what kinds of questions were asked by the audience & so on...
that said, i definitely see your point.
i grew up what you could call "middle class". my parents moved back into the city when i was born so i would know both sides of things. dad was insistent: no private school.
i learned how to "code switch" so i wouldn't have to worry about getting a job and all that, but it didn't matter what neighborhood my friends came from.
there were no jack and jill pretensions. we lived according to our means & that was that.
i was also raised with a healthy distrust for whitefolks--even today they sort of need to prove themselves before i cut them much slack.
the composite of that is experience is that i know i'm not from anybody's "hood", and don't try to be. i was parented and loved (there were issues w/ peers, but that's another story). i don't know what it's like to be hungry or any of that, and i don't have the issues that come from it.
however, i have friends and loved ones who do. who were the first in their fams to go to college, as of 2000 or so. who had teenage mothers. i understand the composite effects of these things and history on my ppl.
i'm glad my parents walked the line the way they did. if i'm to be a parent, i hope i can do the same for my kids.
you can be fortunate and still not distance yourself from your people because they, for whatever reason, are not. @ the same time, there will always be those who don't respect/listen to you because you're not from their block/corner/whatever. and that's cool too.
like you said, the complexities of it all are a BITCH.
9.29.2007
teleportation & gypsies
dream sequence.
i was walking through my old elementary school trying to find a "portal" i used in recurring dreams when i was younger.
as i went through the usual sequence to get where i was going, it didn't seem to add up. a door i thought i remembered using was suddenly too small for an adult.
a few nights ago i had a similar dream about another passageway i used to access through what looked like my parents' basement. i had to concentrate harder to open the passage, and when i got through, i had to use another route because, again, the old one was too small.
i suppose that's confirmation that the releasing of old ways and methods is beneficial. i have to make a bigger, better way for myself, and it probably has more to do with expansion and deliberate action than playing around with teleportation or whatever the hell i was doing in the childhood dreams.
*segue*
not that we had much fleetwood mac in the house--there was at least one manhattan transfer album, but no fleetwood--but everything about this video and song resonated with me. even stevie's twirling dance. i loved all that fantasy stuff--the dark crystal*, legend...
when i see it now, it makes me think of oya or oshun...
*if i do wind up getting a guinea pig? i'm SO naming him/her fuzzgig...
i was walking through my old elementary school trying to find a "portal" i used in recurring dreams when i was younger.
as i went through the usual sequence to get where i was going, it didn't seem to add up. a door i thought i remembered using was suddenly too small for an adult.
a few nights ago i had a similar dream about another passageway i used to access through what looked like my parents' basement. i had to concentrate harder to open the passage, and when i got through, i had to use another route because, again, the old one was too small.
i suppose that's confirmation that the releasing of old ways and methods is beneficial. i have to make a bigger, better way for myself, and it probably has more to do with expansion and deliberate action than playing around with teleportation or whatever the hell i was doing in the childhood dreams.
*segue*
not that we had much fleetwood mac in the house--there was at least one manhattan transfer album, but no fleetwood--but everything about this video and song resonated with me. even stevie's twirling dance. i loved all that fantasy stuff--the dark crystal*, legend...
when i see it now, it makes me think of oya or oshun...
*if i do wind up getting a guinea pig? i'm SO naming him/her fuzzgig...
wandering from the goddess
goddess glory posted this cool article from a blogger named chickenma1.
i would have linked to the original, but the comments got on my nerves.
i would have linked to the original, but the comments got on my nerves.
9.27.2007
wading thru toxicity
doesn't it suck when someone can just fk with your whole vibe?
i suppose that's what's meant by "toxic" individuals. just sap your joy away.
i was feeling ok today...a little tired 'cause it was hard to get comfortable last night, but ok.
then, suddenly, i feel stupid and backward and inferior like i don't know what the fk i'm doing...when that's really the exact opposite of how i should feel.
i gotta shine tomorrow. sell myself. do the damn thing.
right now, however, i think i just need some chocolate.
i suppose that's what's meant by "toxic" individuals. just sap your joy away.
i was feeling ok today...a little tired 'cause it was hard to get comfortable last night, but ok.
then, suddenly, i feel stupid and backward and inferior like i don't know what the fk i'm doing...when that's really the exact opposite of how i should feel.
i gotta shine tomorrow. sell myself. do the damn thing.
right now, however, i think i just need some chocolate.
9.26.2007
reality
i have a serious thing about fulfillment. i am not a pleasant person when i am unhappy or dissatisfied.
i don't expect to be free of desire, nor do i see the absence of desire as a natural state--unless your desire is warped into addiction.
if and when i begin to feel dissatisfied or distressed, i'm learning to shift reality, to make things look, sound and feel the way i want and expect them to.
i think people get caught up in understanding that process in a negative sense, i.e., you have to hurt or harm others to achieve that goal.
you don't.
you do not have to universally impose your will to achieve your bliss.
the universe has created a space for you--you do the work to find or open that space.
the need to bend others to your will is a sign of weakness and laziness. conquering isn't the same as mastering.
i don't need to make over anything not worth my ashe.
i voice the desire, i move towards the space.
the worlds of work and drudgery will never act as mother.
the earth and the universe will.
i don't expect to be free of desire, nor do i see the absence of desire as a natural state--unless your desire is warped into addiction.
if and when i begin to feel dissatisfied or distressed, i'm learning to shift reality, to make things look, sound and feel the way i want and expect them to.
i think people get caught up in understanding that process in a negative sense, i.e., you have to hurt or harm others to achieve that goal.
you don't.
you do not have to universally impose your will to achieve your bliss.
the universe has created a space for you--you do the work to find or open that space.
the need to bend others to your will is a sign of weakness and laziness. conquering isn't the same as mastering.
i don't need to make over anything not worth my ashe.
i voice the desire, i move towards the space.
the worlds of work and drudgery will never act as mother.
the earth and the universe will.
nike done did it again...
this kind of reminds me of the special heart medicine just for black ppl...
i guess it's sort of a "whatever works" thing, but...eh.
doesn't nike still have sweatshops?
i remember coming across blackspot sneakers a few years ago. but, knowing adbusters, that might be just a culture jam sorta deal. oh well.
no sweat has 'em, if you're interested.
i guess it's sort of a "whatever works" thing, but...eh.
doesn't nike still have sweatshops?
i remember coming across blackspot sneakers a few years ago. but, knowing adbusters, that might be just a culture jam sorta deal. oh well.
no sweat has 'em, if you're interested.
9.25.2007
fish, meet barrel
i don't get all the flack around this ahmadinejad dude.
y'all know what kind of ship he runs. so what was the point? to parade him around and give the nation a feel-good, moral superiority moment? or was it just a fair debate gone wrong?
so, ok.
ahmadinejad denying the holocaust = wrong. (but not surprising)
"we don't have homosexuals" = hilarious. (but, again, not surprising)
asking what the horrors of the holocaust had "to do with the [treatment of the] Palestinian people?” = on point.
then this assh--i mean, our commander in chief--has the nerve to say that, "Ahmadinejad’s appearance at Columbia 'speaks volumes about really the greatness of America.'"
not really.
it just makes us look like bullies. again.
way to go.
y'all know what kind of ship he runs. so what was the point? to parade him around and give the nation a feel-good, moral superiority moment? or was it just a fair debate gone wrong?
[Columbia President Lee] Bollinger was strongly criticized for inviting Ahmadinejad to speak at Columbia. The Iranian president was in New York in advance of his address to the U.N. General Assembly on Tuesday.
Bollinger had promised tough questions in his introduction to Ahmadinejad’s talk. But the strident and personal nature of his attack on the president of Iran was startling.
Bollinger described Ahmadinejad as having a "fanatical mindset" for making statements like wanting Israel to be “wiped off the map.”
"Do you plan on wiping us off the map too?" Bollinger asked, also asking questions about allegations Iran was supplying insurgents in Iraq. "Can you tell them and us why Iran is fighting a proxy war in Iraq?"
Ahmadinejad responded to boos and cheers that Iran is a "peace-loving nation."
"We love all nations. We are friends with the Jewish people," he said.
Ahmadinejad did not address all of Bollinger’s accusations directly, instead launching into a long religious discussion laced with quotes with the Quran before turning to criticism of the Bush administration and past American governments.
so, ok.
ahmadinejad denying the holocaust = wrong. (but not surprising)
"we don't have homosexuals" = hilarious. (but, again, not surprising)
asking what the horrors of the holocaust had "to do with the [treatment of the] Palestinian people?” = on point.
then this assh--i mean, our commander in chief--has the nerve to say that, "Ahmadinejad’s appearance at Columbia 'speaks volumes about really the greatness of America.'"
not really.
it just makes us look like bullies. again.
way to go.
amen, brotha. amen.
That's Not In My Job Description
by Paul Beatty
despite that i overslept
and set a guinness book world record for coming in late
its still time for me to take my 15 minute break
pull off my sweater vest
talking shit
cross my sneakers on the desk
threaten to call my union rep
if these fools
dont stop lookin at me crazy
whisperin lazy
under their breath
but during my siesta
i eavesdrop on societys best
imagine im a distinguished ethnographer
on the black pbs
talkin with a british lisp
in front of a bookshelf
welcome to alistair cooke's In Search of
today we pursue The Elusive True Nature of Whitey
notice as
our cameras
zoom in on
a pinstriped pack of business school well groomed brooks brother
smoothies
encamped around a water cooler jostling for room in their natural
habitat
wiping dunkin donut crumbs off their jackets and engaged in debates
on hot topics
such as:
nuclear waste the china syndrome
alternative methods of heating their homes
and right before
the herd starts to roam
the menfolk take part in the ritual
shooting of the styrofoam cups into the trash basket
and if they make it
they dance around like
they just saved the world
headin my way
lookin for some dap
so i try to look busy
which im good at
start rustlin charts
construct some new paper clip art
chew on a pen cap as if im seriously studying my messenger map
hmmmm did you know that main street runs perpendicular to beech
and parallel with elm for exactly 1 and seven/eighteenths of
a mile
before it intersects with west crest
well blow me down
i aint got time to mope
worryin aloud about
how imma cope wid radioactive isotopes and mushroom clouds
when its me myself
thats about to explode
an overloaded low level gung-ho ah-so nigro rickshaw coolie
the company dr. doolittles thought they knew me
i talk the animals como se llama push–me–pull–me
bowin n kowtowin
eatin crow
holdin my tongue
hands clung so tightly to the bottom rung
cant even reach for the glass ceiling
my feet planted in corporate dung
growing roots
in the ground zero
terra firma
of affirmative
daily inaction
copy xerox mop remember the blue ones go on top
shred fedex the checks press the red button next
fax wax collapse the green mail sacks go to jack
right after i put my year-end evaluation
in the management trainee mailbox
one of them fresh out of college cookie cutter fuckers
invites me to meet the buddies for drinks at mcgillicuddy's
i only wanted a nine to five
that classified didnt say nothin bout havin to socialize
now this wage slave
is t-minus nine heinekens from critical mass
me and a few hoogie white democrats
drinking after work rolling rocks
smoking marlboros out of the box
all you can do is wait for the chain reaction show of ass
when one of em
looks me in the eye
and decides
to say something to the colored guy
its
all systems go
the white folks start actin like they know
hey bro er uh bro-ham
i happen to be a big rap fan
went to see ice cube and michel'le
at the hollywood palladium
and i was the only white person in the place
aint i soul brother
there must have been another workshop on how to handle your
support staff
which in this craft is a euphemism for niggers n spics
itsa trip
watching a one-sided will to unite
if i could get in a word edgewise i wouldnt
since im with my boss
and dont want to get fired
all i can do is sigh
too chicken to pay the price
as they get excited
giddy from overexercising their rights
my dad owns a liquor store in the inner city so i know how you feel
ive read toni morrisons beloved twice
and even though i still didnt get it the second time shes just so real
i believe that spike is truly five for five
no no you dont understand i really want to be like mike
or maybe a harlem globetrotter
its my dream to send my daughter to spelman
where can she get a check up for sickle cell
whats the name of your hair gel/pomade
do you use a depilatory when you shave
how can i join the crips
just what is hip
i know its after the fact but i dont think king shouldve called for calm
i wanna be a minister in the nation of islam
isnt so and so such an uncle tom
when theyre through
they pat themselves on the back
and quote jesse jackson
we have to start on the front end of head start and day care
not on the back end of prison and welfare
keepin hope alive
i buy the next round
wonderin how it would sound if i changed my name to skip
placed a mike tyson kingsized if i ruled the world chip on my shoulder
went to a joint full of rednecks
put my elbows on the bar cleared my throat and said
becks
then id go into my show
did you know i was elected to the senate inna landslide
and i was the only colored man there without rag in my hand for
polishin brass or shining shoes
or
at last weeks tractor pull i was the only spear chukker
drivin monster pick-ups over a bunch of crushed oldsmobiles
or
i sailed in the americas cup
or
i went to the university of vermont and rowed crew
or
i grew up in a two room shack in the appalachian mountains picked
myself up
by the shitkickers went door to door selling berlitz and scripture
moved to
utah sang soprano in the mormon tabernacle choir married into the
osmonds
and now i spend my weekends smokin pot with donnie and marie
reading back
issues of teen beat magazine
or
im included in the canon
im a cardinal in the vatican
im the highest paid player on the boston red sox
i own IBM stock
i play nazi punk rock
i drink coors extra gold by the case
i can say puke with a straight face
i have a seat on wall street
im an LL bean catalogue model
my art is in the metropolitan
i had a major part in a woody allen movie
and i do the broadway casting for tommy tune
but i wouldn't give a shit about nuna dis
if i could just say im a nigger who has enough room
(from AGNI 37 & 56)
Paul Beatty was born in Los Angeles and now lives in New York. (1993)
by Paul Beatty
despite that i overslept
and set a guinness book world record for coming in late
its still time for me to take my 15 minute break
pull off my sweater vest
talking shit
cross my sneakers on the desk
threaten to call my union rep
if these fools
dont stop lookin at me crazy
whisperin lazy
under their breath
but during my siesta
i eavesdrop on societys best
imagine im a distinguished ethnographer
on the black pbs
talkin with a british lisp
in front of a bookshelf
welcome to alistair cooke's In Search of
today we pursue The Elusive True Nature of Whitey
notice as
our cameras
zoom in on
a pinstriped pack of business school well groomed brooks brother
smoothies
encamped around a water cooler jostling for room in their natural
habitat
wiping dunkin donut crumbs off their jackets and engaged in debates
on hot topics
such as:
nuclear waste the china syndrome
alternative methods of heating their homes
and right before
the herd starts to roam
the menfolk take part in the ritual
shooting of the styrofoam cups into the trash basket
and if they make it
they dance around like
they just saved the world
headin my way
lookin for some dap
so i try to look busy
which im good at
start rustlin charts
construct some new paper clip art
chew on a pen cap as if im seriously studying my messenger map
hmmmm did you know that main street runs perpendicular to beech
and parallel with elm for exactly 1 and seven/eighteenths of
a mile
before it intersects with west crest
well blow me down
i aint got time to mope
worryin aloud about
how imma cope wid radioactive isotopes and mushroom clouds
when its me myself
thats about to explode
an overloaded low level gung-ho ah-so nigro rickshaw coolie
the company dr. doolittles thought they knew me
i talk the animals como se llama push–me–pull–me
bowin n kowtowin
eatin crow
holdin my tongue
hands clung so tightly to the bottom rung
cant even reach for the glass ceiling
my feet planted in corporate dung
growing roots
in the ground zero
terra firma
of affirmative
daily inaction
copy xerox mop remember the blue ones go on top
shred fedex the checks press the red button next
fax wax collapse the green mail sacks go to jack
right after i put my year-end evaluation
in the management trainee mailbox
one of them fresh out of college cookie cutter fuckers
invites me to meet the buddies for drinks at mcgillicuddy's
i only wanted a nine to five
that classified didnt say nothin bout havin to socialize
now this wage slave
is t-minus nine heinekens from critical mass
me and a few hoogie white democrats
drinking after work rolling rocks
smoking marlboros out of the box
all you can do is wait for the chain reaction show of ass
when one of em
looks me in the eye
and decides
to say something to the colored guy
its
all systems go
the white folks start actin like they know
hey bro er uh bro-ham
i happen to be a big rap fan
went to see ice cube and michel'le
at the hollywood palladium
and i was the only white person in the place
aint i soul brother
there must have been another workshop on how to handle your
support staff
which in this craft is a euphemism for niggers n spics
itsa trip
watching a one-sided will to unite
if i could get in a word edgewise i wouldnt
since im with my boss
and dont want to get fired
all i can do is sigh
too chicken to pay the price
as they get excited
giddy from overexercising their rights
my dad owns a liquor store in the inner city so i know how you feel
ive read toni morrisons beloved twice
and even though i still didnt get it the second time shes just so real
i believe that spike is truly five for five
no no you dont understand i really want to be like mike
or maybe a harlem globetrotter
its my dream to send my daughter to spelman
where can she get a check up for sickle cell
whats the name of your hair gel/pomade
do you use a depilatory when you shave
how can i join the crips
just what is hip
i know its after the fact but i dont think king shouldve called for calm
i wanna be a minister in the nation of islam
isnt so and so such an uncle tom
when theyre through
they pat themselves on the back
and quote jesse jackson
we have to start on the front end of head start and day care
not on the back end of prison and welfare
keepin hope alive
i buy the next round
wonderin how it would sound if i changed my name to skip
placed a mike tyson kingsized if i ruled the world chip on my shoulder
went to a joint full of rednecks
put my elbows on the bar cleared my throat and said
becks
then id go into my show
did you know i was elected to the senate inna landslide
and i was the only colored man there without rag in my hand for
polishin brass or shining shoes
or
at last weeks tractor pull i was the only spear chukker
drivin monster pick-ups over a bunch of crushed oldsmobiles
or
i sailed in the americas cup
or
i went to the university of vermont and rowed crew
or
i grew up in a two room shack in the appalachian mountains picked
myself up
by the shitkickers went door to door selling berlitz and scripture
moved to
utah sang soprano in the mormon tabernacle choir married into the
osmonds
and now i spend my weekends smokin pot with donnie and marie
reading back
issues of teen beat magazine
or
im included in the canon
im a cardinal in the vatican
im the highest paid player on the boston red sox
i own IBM stock
i play nazi punk rock
i drink coors extra gold by the case
i can say puke with a straight face
i have a seat on wall street
im an LL bean catalogue model
my art is in the metropolitan
i had a major part in a woody allen movie
and i do the broadway casting for tommy tune
but i wouldn't give a shit about nuna dis
if i could just say im a nigger who has enough room
(from AGNI 37 & 56)
Paul Beatty was born in Los Angeles and now lives in New York. (1993)
9.24.2007
quick hello...
i haven't had much to say lately...probably because i'm beginning to stabilize.
feeling prayerful again.
getting back into the job search (got a call today, actually...yay!)
moon time's on its way, but i'm not too daunted by it.
believe me, guys, sometimes it's a good thing when i'm quiet. *smile*
hope you're feeling bountiful and blessed this evening...
peace
feeling prayerful again.
getting back into the job search (got a call today, actually...yay!)
moon time's on its way, but i'm not too daunted by it.
believe me, guys, sometimes it's a good thing when i'm quiet. *smile*
hope you're feeling bountiful and blessed this evening...
peace
9.18.2007
sara tavares, indigo toenails & other random thoughts
this sista is providing the soundtrack to my life right now. of course i don't understand everything she's saying, but "balance" is all i needed to hear...
i am once again embraced by my two great loves. both at a distance, but still strangely satisfying. it feels like the right place to be. each of them brings a different energy, and i'm in need of both versions of heaven to make it through this particular period.
buzzwords: sexuality, inspiration, laughter, growth...
the job hunt will need to commence again soon. i'm nervous about continuing into next month's retrograde, but i'm going to have to jump in anyway.
there are words forming, but the ideas are coagulating instead of flowing. as usual, i'm at a bit of a loss when it comes to how i should get that going...
i thought i'd be able to come in this evening and pray with renewed fervor, but an unexpected babysitting bout nixed that plan. i'm learning that it's better for me to stay quiet until i have my intentions fully and firmly evolved, because what i ask for, i get.
because of the difficulties that have come with this summer, i'm welcoming fall more than usual. but feeling the air cool down and watching the leaves change color always saddens me. even if it's just a little bit.
9.17.2007
adupe, yemonja
i had forgotten how beautiful the ocean is.
the waves, the sand...the joy of effortlessly discovering beautiful seashells with each step.
the sense of homecoming...
i'm beginning to feel--literally & figuratively--like i can breathe again.
the waves, the sand...the joy of effortlessly discovering beautiful seashells with each step.
the sense of homecoming...
i'm beginning to feel--literally & figuratively--like i can breathe again.
9.13.2007
the quest for equilibrium
i went to yoga last night.
it was a struggle, but i'm glad i went.
it was a hot class, which usually makes everything a little easier. not this time.
nearly every posture--even the ones i've always found simple--was a trial. to some degree i was uncomfortable almost the entire time--nausea, a sense of heavy awkwardness, close to tears. i couldn't even stay still in savasana during the guided meditation.
the instructor, bless her, came over and straightened me out a couple of times. until she touched me, i had no idea all the tension i was holding in my waist/pelvic area--probably a manifestation of the recent boundary struggles.
strength postures like full plank made my shoulders ache, and downward dog didn't seem to stretch much of anything.
my sinuses have been blocked since late last night, and i've been expelling some interesting things--hopefully signs that the nonsense (as i've been calling it) is on its way out.
tonight, come hell or high water, i'm getting a neti pot.
this weekend, i'll have the opportunity to have a nice chat with yemonja. if there is a lesson in this madness her waters aren't meant to wash away, may she at least grant me the clarity to figure out where i'm going and how to get there. ashe.
it was a struggle, but i'm glad i went.
it was a hot class, which usually makes everything a little easier. not this time.
nearly every posture--even the ones i've always found simple--was a trial. to some degree i was uncomfortable almost the entire time--nausea, a sense of heavy awkwardness, close to tears. i couldn't even stay still in savasana during the guided meditation.
the instructor, bless her, came over and straightened me out a couple of times. until she touched me, i had no idea all the tension i was holding in my waist/pelvic area--probably a manifestation of the recent boundary struggles.
strength postures like full plank made my shoulders ache, and downward dog didn't seem to stretch much of anything.
my sinuses have been blocked since late last night, and i've been expelling some interesting things--hopefully signs that the nonsense (as i've been calling it) is on its way out.
tonight, come hell or high water, i'm getting a neti pot.
this weekend, i'll have the opportunity to have a nice chat with yemonja. if there is a lesson in this madness her waters aren't meant to wash away, may she at least grant me the clarity to figure out where i'm going and how to get there. ashe.
9.12.2007
cycles
lately, if i'm not emotionally fked up, i'm physically fked up.
one day i'm totally feelin myself, hitting my stride...
the next i'm either worn out, fed up, sick, or just plain tired.
balance is elusive.
prayer feels ineffective. i don't know what to say. i can be mindful of my gratitude, but is that enough?
i'm missing something...
and i can't put my finger on it.
one day i'm totally feelin myself, hitting my stride...
the next i'm either worn out, fed up, sick, or just plain tired.
balance is elusive.
prayer feels ineffective. i don't know what to say. i can be mindful of my gratitude, but is that enough?
i'm missing something...
and i can't put my finger on it.
sistas (hopefully not) doin it (just) for themselves
ok, baltimore.
we've got three sistas in city hall. i know at least two of them are mothers.
this could be some historic shit, or same old same old.
let's see what happens...
9.11.2007
say wha?
first the jena 6 now this?
looks like the south is still out of its natural mind...
ugh.
but u know what? abner and amadou happened in new york, so...
may the ancestors of our foremothers who endured similar tortures rush to her aid and plead god for justice on behalf of this sista and her family. ashe.
looks like the south is still out of its natural mind...
CHARLESTON, W.Va. - Authorities said Tuesday they are considering hate crime charges in the case of a woman who was tortured while being held captive for at least a week, and they are investigating the possibility that she was lured by a man she met on the Internet.
The victim was repeatedly called a racial slur while her captors sexually abused, beat and stabbed her, her mother said.
Six people, all white, including a mother and son and a mother and daughter, were arrested in connection with the alleged abduction of the 20-year-old black woman.
ugh.
but u know what? abner and amadou happened in new york, so...
may the ancestors of our foremothers who endured similar tortures rush to her aid and plead god for justice on behalf of this sista and her family. ashe.
9.08.2007
what's your god paying you?
going over to rootsblog guarantees an enlightening experience. this piece inspired me to respond as follows:
i know that yoruba culture has been in existence for at least 10,000 years.
prior to that, the civilizations and spiritual systems of kush and nubia gave way to the rise of kemet, which has influenced the rest of black africa and the world ever since.
it is now scientifically accepted that all life came out of africa, so it makes sense that our collective unconscious was born there as well. while there have always been nominal variations due to region, culture, and language, our ancestral traditions have formed the archetypes found throughout humanity.
i defend orisa and the other african systems not solely because of my personal investment, but because of the flow of history and time.
our way is the original way.
if it weren't for the kemetian mystery schools, we wouldn't have the bible. arabic culture, too, was goddess/god-balanced long before muhammad came on the scene.
despite that, we now have millions of people afraid of anything that doesn't fall between the covers of two largely plagiarized books, despite the long and deep history of humanity preceding these things.
so, as far as "breaking curses and covenants" as dr. ukpai so eloquently put it, let me share a basic fact of physics--in my opinion the most spiritual scientific discipline there is:
energy is never destroyed, it only changes form.
human beings are, in essence, energy, just like everything else. those ancestral artifacts and sacred sites people are destroying have nothing to do with curses and everything to do with respecting what came before, what allowed them be. i shudder to think what will happen to their children, communal self esteem, and spiritual and moral centers in the coming generations.
i'm aware that capitalism, colonization, and global economies have changed everything. hence, christianity and islam become attractive for the same reasons they were attractive during the initial invasions: survival.
people have to eat. i'm sure that the christian/islamic communities around the world will support these people materially, and that's fine, far as it goes. maybe we'll see a shift when traditionalist communities here are capable of providing a comparable level of financial assistance.
it is also unfortunate that traditional beliefs can be coupled with a crippling lack of education and other equally desperate situations, leading to modern day witch hunts and other tragedies.
i pray that there are some who are savvy enough to syncretize and pass along at least a bit of knowledge (props to catholicism for keeping just enough paganism to make it simple...).
despite the disappointment i feel around these issues, i am convinced that the universe does nothing by accident or coincidence.
maybe the americas are meant to become the epicenter for the african deities because of the access to education and the fulfillment of basic needs.
a place where age-old botanical knowledge can be incorporated into doctor's offices.
where african cosmology can be combined with western astronomy and physics, leading to a greater understanding of our world.
where the hoodoo way can be learned in conjunction with the history and culture of our people so that we are not worried about hunting down witches, but focused on casting spells (i.e., social programs, books, media, curricula) that will strengthen and uplift our people and the world.
i hope i'm not too optimistic.
hm.
i wonder how much of that "better life" is coming from outside africa (e.g., u.s. and arab financed faith-based groups).
i wonder why so many born in the diaspora are discovering, as you put it, "a good life, one full of meaning and significance, one of power over self and adversity" in african spirituality.
it seems to me that christianity/islam works for the continental folks because they need the material comforts, while we're called TO them because we're more in need of the (in my opinion more fully developed and collectively compatible) spiritual edification.
i could go on for days on that notion of "breaking curses" and such, but i think i'll link this post on my blog and do a follow-up there.
i know that yoruba culture has been in existence for at least 10,000 years.
prior to that, the civilizations and spiritual systems of kush and nubia gave way to the rise of kemet, which has influenced the rest of black africa and the world ever since.
it is now scientifically accepted that all life came out of africa, so it makes sense that our collective unconscious was born there as well. while there have always been nominal variations due to region, culture, and language, our ancestral traditions have formed the archetypes found throughout humanity.
i defend orisa and the other african systems not solely because of my personal investment, but because of the flow of history and time.
our way is the original way.
if it weren't for the kemetian mystery schools, we wouldn't have the bible. arabic culture, too, was goddess/god-balanced long before muhammad came on the scene.
despite that, we now have millions of people afraid of anything that doesn't fall between the covers of two largely plagiarized books, despite the long and deep history of humanity preceding these things.
so, as far as "breaking curses and covenants" as dr. ukpai so eloquently put it, let me share a basic fact of physics--in my opinion the most spiritual scientific discipline there is:
energy is never destroyed, it only changes form.
human beings are, in essence, energy, just like everything else. those ancestral artifacts and sacred sites people are destroying have nothing to do with curses and everything to do with respecting what came before, what allowed them be. i shudder to think what will happen to their children, communal self esteem, and spiritual and moral centers in the coming generations.
i'm aware that capitalism, colonization, and global economies have changed everything. hence, christianity and islam become attractive for the same reasons they were attractive during the initial invasions: survival.
people have to eat. i'm sure that the christian/islamic communities around the world will support these people materially, and that's fine, far as it goes. maybe we'll see a shift when traditionalist communities here are capable of providing a comparable level of financial assistance.
it is also unfortunate that traditional beliefs can be coupled with a crippling lack of education and other equally desperate situations, leading to modern day witch hunts and other tragedies.
i pray that there are some who are savvy enough to syncretize and pass along at least a bit of knowledge (props to catholicism for keeping just enough paganism to make it simple...).
despite the disappointment i feel around these issues, i am convinced that the universe does nothing by accident or coincidence.
maybe the americas are meant to become the epicenter for the african deities because of the access to education and the fulfillment of basic needs.
a place where age-old botanical knowledge can be incorporated into doctor's offices.
where african cosmology can be combined with western astronomy and physics, leading to a greater understanding of our world.
where the hoodoo way can be learned in conjunction with the history and culture of our people so that we are not worried about hunting down witches, but focused on casting spells (i.e., social programs, books, media, curricula) that will strengthen and uplift our people and the world.
i hope i'm not too optimistic.
9.07.2007
dreams...
i was in a haitian peristyle...very simply built with beige walls made of clay or stone --almost like an adobe.
in one almost bare room there was a mambo dancing, veves and candles all over the floor. the doorway to the room seemed to be shielded, so i never went all the way in and she never came out.
the first time i walked by, she was mounted by a spirit i didn't recognize. i greeted him/her and went on my way.
the next time i walked by, she was maman brigitte. her clothes reminded me of oya as st. theresa.
traditionally, oya is a wife of sango, the wind in the storm. she is the orisa who takes the breath of life back to olodumare and accepts deathbed prayers along with petitions to the ancestors. it's probably safe to say that oya and maman brigitte are essentially the same spirit that has gained different monikers and visages--not to mention a somewhat split personality--during her years in the diaspora.
anyway, i kept going between the shrine room and a bathroom that housed a tub filled with water and all kinds of herbs. it seemed that my goal was to take a bath, but i had to keep checking the water to see if it was ready. whenever i inspected it, this or that herb was needed...so i never actually stepped in the water, but instead wound up going back and forth, gathering herbs.
it was one of those dreams where i felt i was being taught some kind of ritual or recipe that is always maddeningly difficult or impossible to recall upon waking.
...but, i said i wanted to travel. so i suppose my wish was granted.
in one almost bare room there was a mambo dancing, veves and candles all over the floor. the doorway to the room seemed to be shielded, so i never went all the way in and she never came out.
the first time i walked by, she was mounted by a spirit i didn't recognize. i greeted him/her and went on my way.
the next time i walked by, she was maman brigitte. her clothes reminded me of oya as st. theresa.
traditionally, oya is a wife of sango, the wind in the storm. she is the orisa who takes the breath of life back to olodumare and accepts deathbed prayers along with petitions to the ancestors. it's probably safe to say that oya and maman brigitte are essentially the same spirit that has gained different monikers and visages--not to mention a somewhat split personality--during her years in the diaspora.
anyway, i kept going between the shrine room and a bathroom that housed a tub filled with water and all kinds of herbs. it seemed that my goal was to take a bath, but i had to keep checking the water to see if it was ready. whenever i inspected it, this or that herb was needed...so i never actually stepped in the water, but instead wound up going back and forth, gathering herbs.
it was one of those dreams where i felt i was being taught some kind of ritual or recipe that is always maddeningly difficult or impossible to recall upon waking.
...but, i said i wanted to travel. so i suppose my wish was granted.
gangland african survivals
...one day i'm gonna get my thoughts together and post something about how these gang signs i keep seeing look a whole lot like veves.
i copied down something one afternoon on the bus ride home from work. it's in an old journal. i'll have to find it and scan it so i can post with the entry...
this will be revisited.
i copied down something one afternoon on the bus ride home from work. it's in an old journal. i'll have to find it and scan it so i can post with the entry...
this will be revisited.
9.06.2007
loving gratitude
i highly recommend falling in love with yourself. often.
i'd forgotten the power inherent in committing to the pursuance of one's own bliss. seems like mama gena's teachings are settling in and catching up with me.
making a conscious, prayerful decision to release any and all thoughts/actions/situations that are impeding my progress is one of the best things i've ever done for myself.
i don't pretend to be finished--it's a process full of maintenance sessions, backslides, and conscientious review. even so, i've gained a tremendous amount of momentum, and i can see and feel it working in my life.
in that spirit, today i am grateful for...
the lessons of the universe
love
prayers & the surety that they will be answered
clarity
ikea!
womanhood
wonder
mindfulness
car warranties
strength
incense, candles, essential oils, and crystals & the work they help us do
abundance
the entire color spectrum
peace
good food
understanding
i'd forgotten the power inherent in committing to the pursuance of one's own bliss. seems like mama gena's teachings are settling in and catching up with me.
making a conscious, prayerful decision to release any and all thoughts/actions/situations that are impeding my progress is one of the best things i've ever done for myself.
i don't pretend to be finished--it's a process full of maintenance sessions, backslides, and conscientious review. even so, i've gained a tremendous amount of momentum, and i can see and feel it working in my life.
in that spirit, today i am grateful for...
the lessons of the universe
love
prayers & the surety that they will be answered
clarity
ikea!
womanhood
wonder
mindfulness
car warranties
strength
incense, candles, essential oils, and crystals & the work they help us do
abundance
the entire color spectrum
peace
good food
understanding
9.05.2007
randomization
it's amazing what a few days off from work can do for my intellect...kinda sucks that it has to be that way, tho.
this is really sad. and i didn't realize amy's only 23 years old--but it does explain some of her tendencies. i get the feeling she hasn't quite grown fully into herself yet. even so, i'd hate to see all that talent go to waste over low self esteem and addiction. get well soon, amy.
i was both annoyed and relieved that a sensor caused all the trouble with my car. but i am infinitely thankful for good warranties & ogun's ashe.
i need to get my money right before i miss out on this trend...
...this might change/grow/shrink as the day goes on...
this is really sad. and i didn't realize amy's only 23 years old--but it does explain some of her tendencies. i get the feeling she hasn't quite grown fully into herself yet. even so, i'd hate to see all that talent go to waste over low self esteem and addiction. get well soon, amy.
i was both annoyed and relieved that a sensor caused all the trouble with my car. but i am infinitely thankful for good warranties & ogun's ashe.
i need to get my money right before i miss out on this trend...
...this might change/grow/shrink as the day goes on...
9.02.2007
a little piece of the universe...
due to the continuing antics of my automobile, i wound up implementing phase one of the goddesspace today. it turned out pretty well, and the process removed my frustration and disappointment over being, essentially, grounded.
an overall view:
in the lower right corner is a serendipitous wax blob from a white candle i used for guidance...i wanna write a mantra or something on it.
sweet wine in the glass--for celebration's sake.
detail of the candles and crystals:
there's plenty more to do, but i'm really, really pleased with the first stage.
i'm discovering that i enjoy the process of manifesting sacred space. i love the way it inevitably grows, shrinks and morphs according to my prayers, needs and desires.
intentions:
*to affirm my relationship with the divine feminine and the elements--in other words, unapologetic womanspace.
*to further enhance and empower my dreaming, intuition, and other spiritual skills as a complement to my official training.
*to gain increased clarity around my life's work and purpose using the power inherent in my womb/femininity.
*to provide a home for full moon prayers and menstrual meditations.
an overall view:
in the lower right corner is a serendipitous wax blob from a white candle i used for guidance...i wanna write a mantra or something on it.
sweet wine in the glass--for celebration's sake.
detail of the candles and crystals:
there's plenty more to do, but i'm really, really pleased with the first stage.
i'm discovering that i enjoy the process of manifesting sacred space. i love the way it inevitably grows, shrinks and morphs according to my prayers, needs and desires.
intentions:
*to affirm my relationship with the divine feminine and the elements--in other words, unapologetic womanspace.
*to further enhance and empower my dreaming, intuition, and other spiritual skills as a complement to my official training.
*to gain increased clarity around my life's work and purpose using the power inherent in my womb/femininity.
*to provide a home for full moon prayers and menstrual meditations.
9.01.2007
declaration
note: this was originally posted to a blog i write about a particular person surrounding a particular situation. it's public (in the hopes of someone stumbling across it and learning that yes, virginia, there is life after soulmates), but not really linked to anything else.
i felt it best to, as far as possible, separate that healing from the rest of my existence. at its inception, i even removed some entries from this blog to place there.
but when i wrote this today, it seemed imperative that i blur the barriers a bit. it even applies, to a somewhat lesser degree, to this situation.
you might need to read this.
you might want to have someone else read it.
in whatever way you need to,
from whatever situation you need to,
if there's something clipping your wings--
even if that something is something you love, dearly,
free yourself.
peace.
* ~~ * ~~ * ~~
a long time ago, you stopped looking into my eyes.
said you couldn't stand it...
but when you ceased to look at me, to see me, it obviously became too easy for you to think i no longer loved you.
i'm sorry you've had to learn the hard way that i never stopped, that my love for you has remained as deep and fluid as ever.
the difference is that i have reined it in. there are many things i'll still do for you, but only on my terms and in my way. i will not let you dictate the whens, wheres, and hows--directly or indirectly.
my limitations are my own, and if i choose to love you one moment and ignore you in another, i will.
you have tortured yourself into this corner, and you will have to get yourself out.
...but i'll still love you when you come out on the other side.
i felt it best to, as far as possible, separate that healing from the rest of my existence. at its inception, i even removed some entries from this blog to place there.
but when i wrote this today, it seemed imperative that i blur the barriers a bit. it even applies, to a somewhat lesser degree, to this situation.
you might need to read this.
you might want to have someone else read it.
in whatever way you need to,
from whatever situation you need to,
if there's something clipping your wings--
even if that something is something you love, dearly,
free yourself.
peace.
* ~~ * ~~ * ~~
a long time ago, you stopped looking into my eyes.
said you couldn't stand it...
but when you ceased to look at me, to see me, it obviously became too easy for you to think i no longer loved you.
i'm sorry you've had to learn the hard way that i never stopped, that my love for you has remained as deep and fluid as ever.
the difference is that i have reined it in. there are many things i'll still do for you, but only on my terms and in my way. i will not let you dictate the whens, wheres, and hows--directly or indirectly.
my limitations are my own, and if i choose to love you one moment and ignore you in another, i will.
you have tortured yourself into this corner, and you will have to get yourself out.
...but i'll still love you when you come out on the other side.
8.31.2007
goddess garden (pt. 2)
i'm going to have to start setting up the goddesspace in my bedroom. i started buying things weeks ago, but my house (and, subsequently, my garden) could be at least a year in coming.
she was right after all...i can't bear to have what i've gathered so far hidden away in bags until then.
ikea has plenty of cheap candle holders, shelves & plant stands to start me off.
we have a nice xtian/catholic store where i should be able to get some saint statues and/or images.
i might have to go online for the hindu ones (kali, maybe shakti). it should be easy to find something with quan yin...
i'll also need something serpentine, plus images of the various ancestresses: frida kahlo, saartjie, audre lorde, etc.
and stones: rose and clear quartz. moonstone. mother of pearl...
i can't wait to get started...
she was right after all...i can't bear to have what i've gathered so far hidden away in bags until then.
ikea has plenty of cheap candle holders, shelves & plant stands to start me off.
we have a nice xtian/catholic store where i should be able to get some saint statues and/or images.
i might have to go online for the hindu ones (kali, maybe shakti). it should be easy to find something with quan yin...
i'll also need something serpentine, plus images of the various ancestresses: frida kahlo, saartjie, audre lorde, etc.
and stones: rose and clear quartz. moonstone. mother of pearl...
i can't wait to get started...
runnin across my mind...
i gotta break this one up into pieces...
I
you really need to read this woman's blog, discovered thanks to the illustrious goddess glory. wait til you're @ home...darkdaughta isn't erotic, but there is quite a bit of nudity, both in the background art and her birthing stories.
to deprogram the way she's done and to seek to give her children the same gift from birth onwards is nothing short of miraculous. she gets serious props from me. if we don't wise up and the fall comes (heaven forfend), kids like hers are the ones who'll survive & lead the revolution.
II
speaking of birthing stories, the intense, nearly bone-deep desire to experience pregnancy, birth, and motherhood has returned. it could be a manifestation of the other changes i'm trying to create and work through...but again, it's not merely mental.
considering the current state of my relationship, i don't know when or how my baby will manifest his/herself. but i have prayed that the event be inundated with bliss from beginning to end. when those conditions can be met, i'm sure i'll find myself in a family way, as the ancestors used to say.
III
i'm also aware of the 10 things this morning...after a few days of discomfort and aggravation, i'm enjoying myself again.
IV
another plug: check out fatman scoop & shanda, if you haven't already. they're hilarious. and a wonderfully loving couple, if i do say so myself. i'll bet that in 30 yrs, they're gonna be the grandparents makin everybody grin with envy 'cause he's still chasin her around the kitchen like they just met.
I
you really need to read this woman's blog, discovered thanks to the illustrious goddess glory. wait til you're @ home...darkdaughta isn't erotic, but there is quite a bit of nudity, both in the background art and her birthing stories.
to deprogram the way she's done and to seek to give her children the same gift from birth onwards is nothing short of miraculous. she gets serious props from me. if we don't wise up and the fall comes (heaven forfend), kids like hers are the ones who'll survive & lead the revolution.
II
speaking of birthing stories, the intense, nearly bone-deep desire to experience pregnancy, birth, and motherhood has returned. it could be a manifestation of the other changes i'm trying to create and work through...but again, it's not merely mental.
considering the current state of my relationship, i don't know when or how my baby will manifest his/herself. but i have prayed that the event be inundated with bliss from beginning to end. when those conditions can be met, i'm sure i'll find myself in a family way, as the ancestors used to say.
III
i'm also aware of the 10 things this morning...after a few days of discomfort and aggravation, i'm enjoying myself again.
IV
another plug: check out fatman scoop & shanda, if you haven't already. they're hilarious. and a wonderfully loving couple, if i do say so myself. i'll bet that in 30 yrs, they're gonna be the grandparents makin everybody grin with envy 'cause he's still chasin her around the kitchen like they just met.
8.30.2007
b*tch on wheels
i don't know if it's the boredom...
the mutiny of my yoni (thanks, amoxicillin! ugh) & subsequent lack of opportunities to achieve an orgasm derived from intense clitoral stimulation...
the slight, nagging hunger that i can't seem to satisfy because i can't figure out what i'm craving...
or what,
but i don't feel like the bullshit today. i am suffering no fools. i damn sure don't feel like organizing anyone's life outside my own, and i really don't feel like babysitting a bunch of grown ass people.
but payday's tomorrow. then a four day weekend.
that will probably help me resist the urge to lop off some heads.
...oh, and how about this nonsense: i went to the store this morning for some hygiene products. selection was limited, and they didn't have my favorite (always), so i got the thin kotex...no wings, but better than the archaic, 2" thick always pads with wings that they did have. no biggie.
why was is the new and improved! feature a "quieter" individual package?
i'm in the ladies' room. why should i give a rat's ass if the other ladies--all of whom know what's up--know that i'm opening a tampon/pad/whatever??!?!?
this is vaguely equivalent to older female cashiers who still give me a paper bag and two plastic ones or some variation thereof when i go to target...
like that. ugh.
the mutiny of my yoni (thanks, amoxicillin! ugh) & subsequent lack of opportunities to achieve an orgasm derived from intense clitoral stimulation...
the slight, nagging hunger that i can't seem to satisfy because i can't figure out what i'm craving...
or what,
but i don't feel like the bullshit today. i am suffering no fools. i damn sure don't feel like organizing anyone's life outside my own, and i really don't feel like babysitting a bunch of grown ass people.
but payday's tomorrow. then a four day weekend.
that will probably help me resist the urge to lop off some heads.
...oh, and how about this nonsense: i went to the store this morning for some hygiene products. selection was limited, and they didn't have my favorite (always), so i got the thin kotex...no wings, but better than the archaic, 2" thick always pads with wings that they did have. no biggie.
why was is the new and improved! feature a "quieter" individual package?
i'm in the ladies' room. why should i give a rat's ass if the other ladies--all of whom know what's up--know that i'm opening a tampon/pad/whatever??!?!?
this is vaguely equivalent to older female cashiers who still give me a paper bag and two plastic ones or some variation thereof when i go to target...
like that. ugh.
8.27.2007
shakti
i've realized that my creativity has not abandoned me, it's been invested in recreating my reality.
my list of needs and wants is a mile long, but i'm also accomplishing goals and setting new ones in record time.
i find myself praying, manifesting, and readjusting almost constantly. my dreams are overflowing with guidance and support.
still, it's been awkward adjusting to the feeling of "missing" my writing; i'm used to leaning on a pen and pad for support.
yes, blogging is writing--but different. i miss the poems, stories, the choreographed wordplay that used to dance effortlessly across my mind.
blogging is more of a release of nervous energy or filing system--a tool that helps me track my progress, tuck away distracting thoughts, converse with folks and spark discussion.
on the other hand, i am grateful that my creative energy understands the necessity of metamorphosis depending on my needs.
right now i don't need to write as much as i need to move, visualize, and mold.
today i am grateful for the gifts granted by evolution.
my list of needs and wants is a mile long, but i'm also accomplishing goals and setting new ones in record time.
i find myself praying, manifesting, and readjusting almost constantly. my dreams are overflowing with guidance and support.
still, it's been awkward adjusting to the feeling of "missing" my writing; i'm used to leaning on a pen and pad for support.
yes, blogging is writing--but different. i miss the poems, stories, the choreographed wordplay that used to dance effortlessly across my mind.
blogging is more of a release of nervous energy or filing system--a tool that helps me track my progress, tuck away distracting thoughts, converse with folks and spark discussion.
on the other hand, i am grateful that my creative energy understands the necessity of metamorphosis depending on my needs.
right now i don't need to write as much as i need to move, visualize, and mold.
today i am grateful for the gifts granted by evolution.
8.25.2007
decisions, decisions
eh.
i got up later than i was supposed to,
it feels like a louisiana swamp out there,
and all i wanna do is slap on the sundress i got for like $7 (after a target giftcard) that i haven't gotten to wear ALL summer and roam around outside...
maybe sit long enough somewhere surrounded by enough grass and trees to get the urge to scribble something meaningful...
but i'm supposed to go get the car checked out. not like i got the money to fix whatever's wrong with it, but...i have a thing about driving around with the car making "a strange noise".
i can still wear the sundress...
and can somebody please buy me a plane ticket so i can go to bembe? thanks.
i got up later than i was supposed to,
it feels like a louisiana swamp out there,
and all i wanna do is slap on the sundress i got for like $7 (after a target giftcard) that i haven't gotten to wear ALL summer and roam around outside...
maybe sit long enough somewhere surrounded by enough grass and trees to get the urge to scribble something meaningful...
but i'm supposed to go get the car checked out. not like i got the money to fix whatever's wrong with it, but...i have a thing about driving around with the car making "a strange noise".
i can still wear the sundress...
and can somebody please buy me a plane ticket so i can go to bembe? thanks.
8.24.2007
sanctified & suffering?
i wonder, how long this had been going on? wouldn't be surprised if that's what broke them up in the first place...
this is all i could find from an essence article on the subject of domestic violence in the christian church.
i'll also never forget the story of a woman on the tyra show who had half her face bashed in by her ex husband only for her mother to tell her not to call the cops 'cause it wasn't the "christian" thing to do...
now, with all due respect to the faith of others, how is it that you're so caught up in the interpretation of a book based on the ruminations of a patriarchal, supremacist culture developing in the midst of a goddess-worshipping, largely matriarchal ancient world, that you sacrifice your love of self and your body and mind over the notion of being "submissive"?
...not to say that this kind of abuse isn't rampant in more "conscious", afrocentric circles, because it certainly can be. afrikan men, continental and diasporan, have been thoroughly indoctrinated by western patriarchal/male dominated culture. many have taken steps to deprogram themselves. others hide their misogyny behind flowery words and spiritual-sounding phrases. and, unfortunately, plenty of sistas eat it up.
but i'll bet you a headwrap and a cowry shell that if you take the situation to the more afrikan-centered elders vs. some christian ones, you'll hear the rote "stand by your man" speech a lot less often.
please, please, please...read something about the world before christianity. not to remove yourself from the nature of the god of your understanding, but just to know that there's a whole side of the spirit you probably never got wind of sitting in those pews.
addendum 9/7/2007: here's an update...
this is all i could find from an essence article on the subject of domestic violence in the christian church.
i'll also never forget the story of a woman on the tyra show who had half her face bashed in by her ex husband only for her mother to tell her not to call the cops 'cause it wasn't the "christian" thing to do...
now, with all due respect to the faith of others, how is it that you're so caught up in the interpretation of a book based on the ruminations of a patriarchal, supremacist culture developing in the midst of a goddess-worshipping, largely matriarchal ancient world, that you sacrifice your love of self and your body and mind over the notion of being "submissive"?
...not to say that this kind of abuse isn't rampant in more "conscious", afrocentric circles, because it certainly can be. afrikan men, continental and diasporan, have been thoroughly indoctrinated by western patriarchal/male dominated culture. many have taken steps to deprogram themselves. others hide their misogyny behind flowery words and spiritual-sounding phrases. and, unfortunately, plenty of sistas eat it up.
but i'll bet you a headwrap and a cowry shell that if you take the situation to the more afrikan-centered elders vs. some christian ones, you'll hear the rote "stand by your man" speech a lot less often.
please, please, please...read something about the world before christianity. not to remove yourself from the nature of the god of your understanding, but just to know that there's a whole side of the spirit you probably never got wind of sitting in those pews.
addendum 9/7/2007: here's an update...
i guess i'm it....
she tagged me...
*What side of the heart do you draw first?
the right
*Can you dive without plugging your nose?
yeah...just exhale when you hit the water.
*What color is your phone?
gray (@ work)
*Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?
eh...i don't think i have an answer
*Where are you right now?
desk @ work
*How do you feel about carrots?
good only when finely shredded in salads, steamed for chinese food, or in soup. i can tolerate fresh carrot juice, but only w/ apple and ginger.
*How many chairs at the dining room table?
don't have one
*Who is the best Spice Girl?
n/a
*Do you know what time it is?
hammer time! (i know, i'm sorry)
*What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?
stay calm.
*What’s your favorite kind of gum?
orbit peppermint. original will do, too
*T or F: All is fair in love and war?
love, essentially. war, no.
*Do you use words that you don’t know the meaning to?
i try not to...i look 'em up to be sure.
*Do you like to sleep?
it serves its purpose...
*Do you know which US states don’t use Daylight Savings?
wow...um...no. that's one useless fact that hasn't stuck to my brain yet, thank u
*Do you know the song Sugar We’re Goin’ Down?
say wha?
*Do you want a bright yellow ‘06 mustang?
no
*What’s something you’ve always wanted?
enough money (or influence, reason, etc) to be able to travel anywhere, at any time
*Do you wear a lot of black?
not quite as much as i used to
*Are you an adult?
ya damn right i am. but why is this a question? lol
*Who is/are your best friends?
terri
*Do you have a tan?
it's kind of a permanent one, but i do get a little more golden in the summer...
*Are you a television addict?
no
*Do you enjoy spending time with your mom?
yeah
*Are you a sugar freak?
gives me headaches
*What is your favorite movie?
too many to name
*What’s your sign?
pisces
*Where do you wish you were right now?
somewhere like fiji...tropical paradise, enjoying the ocean
*Who did you copy this from?
tre
*How do you know them?
from okayplayer
*Would you have sex with them?
no, but sheesh.
*What brand of shirt are you wearing?
something in organic cotton done by a graf artist i "met" on myspace. lol.
*Have you ever smoked anything?
sure
i'll get one a y'all shortly...dunno who yet...
*What side of the heart do you draw first?
the right
*Can you dive without plugging your nose?
yeah...just exhale when you hit the water.
*What color is your phone?
gray (@ work)
*Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?
eh...i don't think i have an answer
*Where are you right now?
desk @ work
*How do you feel about carrots?
good only when finely shredded in salads, steamed for chinese food, or in soup. i can tolerate fresh carrot juice, but only w/ apple and ginger.
*How many chairs at the dining room table?
don't have one
*Who is the best Spice Girl?
n/a
*Do you know what time it is?
hammer time! (i know, i'm sorry)
*What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?
stay calm.
*What’s your favorite kind of gum?
orbit peppermint. original will do, too
*T or F: All is fair in love and war?
love, essentially. war, no.
*Do you use words that you don’t know the meaning to?
i try not to...i look 'em up to be sure.
*Do you like to sleep?
it serves its purpose...
*Do you know which US states don’t use Daylight Savings?
wow...um...no. that's one useless fact that hasn't stuck to my brain yet, thank u
*Do you know the song Sugar We’re Goin’ Down?
say wha?
*Do you want a bright yellow ‘06 mustang?
no
*What’s something you’ve always wanted?
enough money (or influence, reason, etc) to be able to travel anywhere, at any time
*Do you wear a lot of black?
not quite as much as i used to
*Are you an adult?
ya damn right i am. but why is this a question? lol
*Who is/are your best friends?
terri
*Do you have a tan?
it's kind of a permanent one, but i do get a little more golden in the summer...
*Are you a television addict?
no
*Do you enjoy spending time with your mom?
yeah
*Are you a sugar freak?
gives me headaches
*What is your favorite movie?
too many to name
*What’s your sign?
pisces
*Where do you wish you were right now?
somewhere like fiji...tropical paradise, enjoying the ocean
*Who did you copy this from?
tre
*How do you know them?
from okayplayer
*Would you have sex with them?
no, but sheesh.
*What brand of shirt are you wearing?
something in organic cotton done by a graf artist i "met" on myspace. lol.
*Have you ever smoked anything?
sure
i'll get one a y'all shortly...dunno who yet...
8.23.2007
frightening.
i still maintain that anyone who is vehemently anti-abortion and is not a foster parent or planning to be one has some explaining to do. because, considering the sad state of the american foster care system, folk seem to care an awful lot about the fetus, and not so much about the babies once they get here.
but this is some shit here.
but this is some shit here.
8.22.2007
hermit
for the last few years, i feel like my social life has been rather stunted.
i don't go out like i used to.
i've all but given up on the possibility of being some kind of (known) poet or spoken word artist.
i haven't developed some kind of agoraphobia or anything, but i have shut myself in.
maybe this is for reasons i don't yet understand.
but i'm learning to accept my hermitism. i still go out with friends and family, but i have also noticed that my apartment has become a sort of cocoon.
i'm certain that i'll emerge when i'm ready.
i don't go out like i used to.
i've all but given up on the possibility of being some kind of (known) poet or spoken word artist.
i haven't developed some kind of agoraphobia or anything, but i have shut myself in.
maybe this is for reasons i don't yet understand.
but i'm learning to accept my hermitism. i still go out with friends and family, but i have also noticed that my apartment has become a sort of cocoon.
i'm certain that i'll emerge when i'm ready.
8.20.2007
tell 'em why you mad...
there are not many times in my life when my anger has been this palatable. i can almost feel it on the tip of my tongue each time i speak.
the years i loved, struggled, held on, fought...
i want to scream for putting up with it all for as long as i did.
ultimately, i know i stayed out of love, but in hindsight, nothing seems to justify the waiting.
besides, it's pointless to fuss over the past. what's happened has happened for a reason, just like i was able to let go at this moment for a reason. everything happens in its due time, and this is no different.
new loves will come, we will both heal. in the meantime, there's work to do.
the anger is simply motivation to move ahead.
the years i loved, struggled, held on, fought...
i want to scream for putting up with it all for as long as i did.
ultimately, i know i stayed out of love, but in hindsight, nothing seems to justify the waiting.
besides, it's pointless to fuss over the past. what's happened has happened for a reason, just like i was able to let go at this moment for a reason. everything happens in its due time, and this is no different.
new loves will come, we will both heal. in the meantime, there's work to do.
the anger is simply motivation to move ahead.
8.19.2007
rent a rasta / hurricane troubles
this is deep.
in addition, hurricane dean is about 150 miles outside kingston, right now. and he's got haiti on the tail end. several other islands have already been hit. and some broad named erin is wrecking shop in oklahoma and texas.
oya, hekua yansa, we know that what you destroy makes room for rebirth, but we pray that you keep as many human lives and vital crops and animals as possible out of harm's way as you do your work.
ashe-o.
in addition, hurricane dean is about 150 miles outside kingston, right now. and he's got haiti on the tail end. several other islands have already been hit. and some broad named erin is wrecking shop in oklahoma and texas.
oya, hekua yansa, we know that what you destroy makes room for rebirth, but we pray that you keep as many human lives and vital crops and animals as possible out of harm's way as you do your work.
ashe-o.
to all those wanting what i cannot give
if you could have, we would have.
if it was meant, it would be.
if we never did, it's because we weren't supposed to.
your epiphanies are always a day late and a dollar short. rent's far past due.
i'm sorry i'm not the dream you made me out to be.
your understanding costs me boxes of kleenex, lonely nights, and a whole lot of heartache.
talking to you about us makes me so angry i could spit. that's where the tears come from. not from pain, but from frustration.
i have nothing left to give. and if you could truly understand that, you wouldn't call me cold.
i am not heartless, i am not ruthless, and i am not unfeeling.
i love with everything i have because i am fearless.
but if you wear out your welcome, i will turn your castles to dust. i also will not hesitate to remove myself from a sinking ship.
i am willing to give the right man the moon that falls from my mouth. if you have not received it, it means you are not him.
i will admit to having played the role of sassafrass, but this is her farewell performance.*
henceforth, only men need apply.
if you have not had your heart shattered at least once and survived,
if you do not know yourself,
if your insecurities haunt you,
if you do not mean what you say and say what you mean,
i am not the woman for you.
*sassafrass was the sister who, determined to do everything in her power to heal a broken man, almost blocked her own blessings. her lesson? incomplete love ain't no love at all.
if it was meant, it would be.
if we never did, it's because we weren't supposed to.
your epiphanies are always a day late and a dollar short. rent's far past due.
i'm sorry i'm not the dream you made me out to be.
your understanding costs me boxes of kleenex, lonely nights, and a whole lot of heartache.
talking to you about us makes me so angry i could spit. that's where the tears come from. not from pain, but from frustration.
i have nothing left to give. and if you could truly understand that, you wouldn't call me cold.
i am not heartless, i am not ruthless, and i am not unfeeling.
i love with everything i have because i am fearless.
but if you wear out your welcome, i will turn your castles to dust. i also will not hesitate to remove myself from a sinking ship.
i am willing to give the right man the moon that falls from my mouth. if you have not received it, it means you are not him.
i will admit to having played the role of sassafrass, but this is her farewell performance.*
henceforth, only men need apply.
if you have not had your heart shattered at least once and survived,
if you do not know yourself,
if your insecurities haunt you,
if you do not mean what you say and say what you mean,
i am not the woman for you.
*sassafrass was the sister who, determined to do everything in her power to heal a broken man, almost blocked her own blessings. her lesson? incomplete love ain't no love at all.
8.17.2007
dreaming...
my next lover should be sweet.
nothing heavy, nothing formal. just enough sugar, just enough comfort.
lovely sunday mornings with no hard feelings.
a man with his own clean, comfortable space i can ease into for a while. a vacation from my life. a little happiness for both of us.
..and the ability to let go when it’s over. a fading into the sunset.
pleasant memories. no scars.
i’m sure i’ll travel the battlefield again. but not now.
peace is what’s important.
nothing heavy, nothing formal. just enough sugar, just enough comfort.
lovely sunday mornings with no hard feelings.
a man with his own clean, comfortable space i can ease into for a while. a vacation from my life. a little happiness for both of us.
..and the ability to let go when it’s over. a fading into the sunset.
pleasant memories. no scars.
i’m sure i’ll travel the battlefield again. but not now.
peace is what’s important.
8.15.2007
what i learned today
1. fresh pineapple is one of those foods that exists to make you believe in god.
2. the principle of energy changing without destruction is most evident in love and loving.
3. being a child of osun is an immeasurable blessing. it also comes with some interesting lessons.
4. standing at the crossroads excites me as much as it frightens me.
5. sometimes it takes me a minute, but i always figure out what i need to do in order to land on my feet. always the tigress. when my head, heart and womb are in alignment, my feet fall in line. and nothing can stop me.
2. the principle of energy changing without destruction is most evident in love and loving.
3. being a child of osun is an immeasurable blessing. it also comes with some interesting lessons.
4. standing at the crossroads excites me as much as it frightens me.
5. sometimes it takes me a minute, but i always figure out what i need to do in order to land on my feet. always the tigress. when my head, heart and womb are in alignment, my feet fall in line. and nothing can stop me.
8.13.2007
weary
tell it, amel
thankfully, i'm not there now, but i damn sure have been.
This woman is growing weary
Of having to be so strong
Of having to pretend I’m made of stone
So I won’t end up with no broken bones
I can’t fight every battle alone
I want someone to lift me
Heal my wounds and give me kisses on my head
Say words that should be said
Fear is not the matter
I would so much rather open up my heart
And lay down my guard
Chorus:
If I could trust someone
To have my back and never do me wrong
Then I would give my love up
Just like that stop singing this soldier song
(repeat)
whomever said love was overrated
must not be getting’ none
my independent days have had their fun
but when the parties over
and the workin’ day is done
I just want to come home to someone
I want a love to take me
As I am not make me compromise myself
Or be like no one else
Fear is not the matter
I would so much rather open up my heart
And just lay down my guard
Chorus
thankfully, i'm not there now, but i damn sure have been.
changes
it's done.
the locs are gone.
it feels...interesting.
i only cried twice. more of a release than grieving.
i've probably been grieving for months anyway. this season has been full of challenges, ups, downs and inbetweens.
of course, a haircut doesn't fix your life. but what it can do and/or symbolize is a certain measure of control over your situation. and many of you know that, as african women, our hair is never just our hair.
there's a definite feeling of nudity. this is the first time in my life i haven't had a full head of hair to hide behind. by the time i started my locs, i had an angie davis 'fro. the two-strands reached to my chin, so i still had enough to play with.
i'm on the longer end of a twa, but there won't be any ponytails any time soon.
i look at myself now and see all the things i've always been wary of: the smallness and asymmetry of my eyes. my nose. the childhood cheeks that never quite faded away.
but there are benefits. shorter shampoos. fist-bearing afro picks! humectants. easier scalp massages. the texture of my own curves and curls. getting to know my face again. an excuse to buy new, superbly fly earrings ('cause she says so. lol).
my head's even shaped better than i thought.
i don't have a choice but to be confident.
so. here goes nothing.
the locs are gone.
it feels...interesting.
i only cried twice. more of a release than grieving.
i've probably been grieving for months anyway. this season has been full of challenges, ups, downs and inbetweens.
of course, a haircut doesn't fix your life. but what it can do and/or symbolize is a certain measure of control over your situation. and many of you know that, as african women, our hair is never just our hair.
there's a definite feeling of nudity. this is the first time in my life i haven't had a full head of hair to hide behind. by the time i started my locs, i had an angie davis 'fro. the two-strands reached to my chin, so i still had enough to play with.
i'm on the longer end of a twa, but there won't be any ponytails any time soon.
i look at myself now and see all the things i've always been wary of: the smallness and asymmetry of my eyes. my nose. the childhood cheeks that never quite faded away.
but there are benefits. shorter shampoos. fist-bearing afro picks! humectants. easier scalp massages. the texture of my own curves and curls. getting to know my face again. an excuse to buy new, superbly fly earrings ('cause she says so. lol).
my head's even shaped better than i thought.
i don't have a choice but to be confident.
so. here goes nothing.
8.11.2007
a bit of news...
i'm trying to figure out how this information matches up with the whole north american union thing. i mean, wouldn't they just not care if they're gonna combine everything anyway? is the "illegal" crackdown just something to get folks off the scent?
this doesn't sound promising, and neither does this.
if i may paraphrase ms. winehouse, i'm not sure what kind of fuckery this is, but if you haven't seen maxed out, please do. if you have netflix, it's available to watch instantly on your computer.
and, lastly, airlines need to work it out.
this doesn't sound promising, and neither does this.
if i may paraphrase ms. winehouse, i'm not sure what kind of fuckery this is, but if you haven't seen maxed out, please do. if you have netflix, it's available to watch instantly on your computer.
and, lastly, airlines need to work it out.
tea with the ancestors
it's a beautiful saturday morning.
i'm up early.
sipping lemon ginger tea with plenty of honey and a hefty pinch of cayenne...a great recipe for getting rid of the dreaded mucus that seems to be trying to make itself a permanent part of my life.
woke up coughing to wake the dead again, but once i start moving around, that seems to take care of itself.
there's myrrh burning.
i'm going to do some yoga, get my energy together.
today feels like one of those days when it will be blessedly easy to see, feel, and know myself as a woman.
ashe
i'm up early.
sipping lemon ginger tea with plenty of honey and a hefty pinch of cayenne...a great recipe for getting rid of the dreaded mucus that seems to be trying to make itself a permanent part of my life.
woke up coughing to wake the dead again, but once i start moving around, that seems to take care of itself.
there's myrrh burning.
i'm going to do some yoga, get my energy together.
today feels like one of those days when it will be blessedly easy to see, feel, and know myself as a woman.
ashe
8.09.2007
yeah, so...
the hair might have to go.
gotta get some "before" pics first...or maybe not.
the idea scares me. my hair's never been as short as it will be if/when i take some scissors to it. even when i first went natural i grew it out so i had a nice sized 'fro first.
i love my hair. it's beautiful. i'd always wanted locs and i was proud of myself for making the commitment and experiencing the journey. i am fairly convinced that i will loc my hair again in the future.
even so, i can't ignore the energy factor here. that whole area of my body feels almost...heavy, loaded. conflicted, in a sense. there's something underneath all this hair and all these memories that's trying to break loose.
there's a deep, nagging need for liberation, freedom--and it's not just related to the job and the writer's block and all of that.
i need to let go.
it's entirely possible that in order to begin the rebirth i've been moving towards, i have to physically take the first step, by my own hand.
mantra: it will grow back.
gotta get some "before" pics first...or maybe not.
the idea scares me. my hair's never been as short as it will be if/when i take some scissors to it. even when i first went natural i grew it out so i had a nice sized 'fro first.
i love my hair. it's beautiful. i'd always wanted locs and i was proud of myself for making the commitment and experiencing the journey. i am fairly convinced that i will loc my hair again in the future.
even so, i can't ignore the energy factor here. that whole area of my body feels almost...heavy, loaded. conflicted, in a sense. there's something underneath all this hair and all these memories that's trying to break loose.
there's a deep, nagging need for liberation, freedom--and it's not just related to the job and the writer's block and all of that.
i need to let go.
it's entirely possible that in order to begin the rebirth i've been moving towards, i have to physically take the first step, by my own hand.
mantra: it will grow back.
8.01.2007
the economics of black love
got another man question on my mind.
a recent conversation had me wondering: why is it that so many of our men don't understand that they can't have it both ways?
you cannot remain a child and shoulder the responsibilities of a man.
you cannot beg and plead for a woman to help you bear a legacy and not understand the importance and necessity or providing for said legacy.
the need for stability, a touch of ambition, and the realization of it being possible to do bad by one's self has been the death knoll for more than one black love affair.
is this an across-the-board thing, or is it just us?
is it just another example of how our mentalities have not quite begun to gel with the current state of the nation/economy/world?
it's not enough to just "get by" anymore. we're standing on quicksand in a lot of respects, and we need to be prepared. there need to be some foundations laid.
land/houses need to be owned.
finances need to be in order.
like it or not, we gotta get in overdrive, yesterday.
finish that degree, or find a trade.
how are you gonna finance the education & networking you'll need to succeed as an entrepreneur?
if you're 30+, that recording contract might not be coming.
where's the money coming from for that community organization you're dreaming of building?
you might have to suck up your revolutionary leanings--in the sense of counting on them to put food on the table--and let go of that under-the-table gig that puts a little cash in your pocket. just for a year or so, you may have to sit in somebody's office and be bored to death with the rest of us.
you think sistas like being "successful"? it grates on us just as much as it does you, grinnin in the face of the man or ms. lucy every day. but we've got babies--your babies--to provide for.
if you and yours have determined that the lifestyle of activism and literal struggle is the one for you, i admire the the hell outta that. but many of us need to know that we're going to be set up with the basics: good food, a decent, independent living space, respectable clothing, and healthcare. and that goes up about one million notches when we have children to think of.
i'm not saying you have to buy into the system completely. i'm not saying you have to chase the so-called american dream or rack up a gazillion dollars in credit card debt to keep up with the johnsons.
but until we can (a) go back to africa & rebuild en masse, (b) buy up a ton of land and create quasi-utopias a la oyotunji, or (c) get the money, power, and prestige to change the game, we're here.
you don't have to play by ALL the rules, but you might wanna start thinking long and hard about which ones are worth breaking and which ones you're gonna have to swallow. keep volunteering, keep dreaming, keep struggling for the people--but make sure you're also getting (legally & regularly) paid.
your life outside the 9-5 can be the balm of gilead. but you gotta put in work.
a recent conversation had me wondering: why is it that so many of our men don't understand that they can't have it both ways?
you cannot remain a child and shoulder the responsibilities of a man.
you cannot beg and plead for a woman to help you bear a legacy and not understand the importance and necessity or providing for said legacy.
the need for stability, a touch of ambition, and the realization of it being possible to do bad by one's self has been the death knoll for more than one black love affair.
is this an across-the-board thing, or is it just us?
is it just another example of how our mentalities have not quite begun to gel with the current state of the nation/economy/world?
it's not enough to just "get by" anymore. we're standing on quicksand in a lot of respects, and we need to be prepared. there need to be some foundations laid.
land/houses need to be owned.
finances need to be in order.
like it or not, we gotta get in overdrive, yesterday.
finish that degree, or find a trade.
how are you gonna finance the education & networking you'll need to succeed as an entrepreneur?
if you're 30+, that recording contract might not be coming.
where's the money coming from for that community organization you're dreaming of building?
you might have to suck up your revolutionary leanings--in the sense of counting on them to put food on the table--and let go of that under-the-table gig that puts a little cash in your pocket. just for a year or so, you may have to sit in somebody's office and be bored to death with the rest of us.
you think sistas like being "successful"? it grates on us just as much as it does you, grinnin in the face of the man or ms. lucy every day. but we've got babies--your babies--to provide for.
if you and yours have determined that the lifestyle of activism and literal struggle is the one for you, i admire the the hell outta that. but many of us need to know that we're going to be set up with the basics: good food, a decent, independent living space, respectable clothing, and healthcare. and that goes up about one million notches when we have children to think of.
i'm not saying you have to buy into the system completely. i'm not saying you have to chase the so-called american dream or rack up a gazillion dollars in credit card debt to keep up with the johnsons.
but until we can (a) go back to africa & rebuild en masse, (b) buy up a ton of land and create quasi-utopias a la oyotunji, or (c) get the money, power, and prestige to change the game, we're here.
you don't have to play by ALL the rules, but you might wanna start thinking long and hard about which ones are worth breaking and which ones you're gonna have to swallow. keep volunteering, keep dreaming, keep struggling for the people--but make sure you're also getting (legally & regularly) paid.
your life outside the 9-5 can be the balm of gilead. but you gotta put in work.
7.30.2007
moving along...
this purge must have been long overdue...i haven't felt this good in weeks. the tingle is back, too.
looks like friday will be the all-water day.
i feel ready to start up my prayers again. i think i'd gotten to a point where i had to remove the "clutter" before i felt comfortable expressing myself to spirit. i've become aware that i need to be on a certain level internally before i'll be able to absorb what i need to understand spiritually.
so maybe i'm progressing after all.
looks like friday will be the all-water day.
i feel ready to start up my prayers again. i think i'd gotten to a point where i had to remove the "clutter" before i felt comfortable expressing myself to spirit. i've become aware that i need to be on a certain level internally before i'll be able to absorb what i need to understand spiritually.
so maybe i'm progressing after all.
7.29.2007
bullshit & then some
i've done practically nothing all weekend. my most productive moment was going out this afternoon to get kitty litter and razors.
i did, in the interest of the cleanse, make myself a yummy blueberry/soy peach yogurt/banana smoothie. that kept the hungries at bay.
i also have chlorophyll now. yay!
i'm sipping a revive vitamin water to keep the post-period blues away (ugh...why did they have to sell to coca cola...now i need to try to find an alternative...guess it's back to the good ol b-complex pills...)
however. i haven't meditated (i'm avoiding my ancestors like i owe 'em money...), and i flaked out on going to yoga. i have no desire to do any postures at home.
i've just been sitting at my desk cruising myspace profiles and talking to honey.
i didn't even look for a job.
then there's the nagging urge to hack off my hair.
yesterday i ran into an old acquaintance who's practically shaved her head--looking quite lovely i might add. earlier today, i came across a sista's blog detailing how shedding her locs was a necessary and deeply spiritual event. an insightful blog comment about possibly being tethered to something that prevents my forward motion has been rolling around in my head.
i don't believe in coincidence. or accidents.
i still want to hold out until the big event...
on the other hand, i know how these urges work. if it persists, i might just walk outta the house one day with a short 'fro and that will be that.
lately, i fear stagnation more than anything, but i also have to be gentle with myself. i could be on the verge of some huge changes, insights, and/or realizations, so i may be feeding a semi-conscious need to ease into the transition. what feels like apathy may just be a form of peaceful preparation.
prayer/mantra: i deserve to be gentle with myself. i own ori. my actions are in alignment with my needs.
i did, in the interest of the cleanse, make myself a yummy blueberry/soy peach yogurt/banana smoothie. that kept the hungries at bay.
i also have chlorophyll now. yay!
i'm sipping a revive vitamin water to keep the post-period blues away (ugh...why did they have to sell to coca cola...now i need to try to find an alternative...guess it's back to the good ol b-complex pills...)
however. i haven't meditated (i'm avoiding my ancestors like i owe 'em money...), and i flaked out on going to yoga. i have no desire to do any postures at home.
i've just been sitting at my desk cruising myspace profiles and talking to honey.
i didn't even look for a job.
then there's the nagging urge to hack off my hair.
yesterday i ran into an old acquaintance who's practically shaved her head--looking quite lovely i might add. earlier today, i came across a sista's blog detailing how shedding her locs was a necessary and deeply spiritual event. an insightful blog comment about possibly being tethered to something that prevents my forward motion has been rolling around in my head.
i don't believe in coincidence. or accidents.
i still want to hold out until the big event...
on the other hand, i know how these urges work. if it persists, i might just walk outta the house one day with a short 'fro and that will be that.
lately, i fear stagnation more than anything, but i also have to be gentle with myself. i could be on the verge of some huge changes, insights, and/or realizations, so i may be feeding a semi-conscious need to ease into the transition. what feels like apathy may just be a form of peaceful preparation.
prayer/mantra: i deserve to be gentle with myself. i own ori. my actions are in alignment with my needs.
7.28.2007
cleansing...
whenever i start to feel heavy and out of place, i know it's time for a fast.
the program that seems to work best for me is goo gobs of fresh fruit, smoothies and/or fresh juice, water, and cleansing supplements and herbs (e.g. ultimate cleanse, psyllium, flaxseed, green pills). i usually end with salads/raw veggies, gradually building back up to my regular diet. i'm also fond of lemon water, yogurt (in the smoothies and before/after using the cleansing pills), and chlorophyll.
given february's ordeal and this entry from march, it's high time for a break. my natural urge to cleanse comes up every 3-4 months or so if i've been bad--which i have.
experiences like this tend to lure me back into unhealthy habits and cycles in the name of grounding myself, but i'm learning that maybe it's better for me to walk around on tiptoe just a little bit.
i've read mixed reviews on fasting/cleansing during one's cycle, but i think i prefer it, especially since i've begun to realign with the strength of the full moon. menstruation is a profound cleansing in and of itself, so i'm taking it as a signal that in this cycle i need to clear obstacles with some physical discipline vs. prayer.
cleansing also means more clarity of mind and spirit, so i'm hoping this will also lead to a breakthrough in the battle with writer's block. i tend to journal more frequently and freely during a fast, and i've been hiding from my thoughts lately. time to stop that.
peace & clarity, y'all
today i am thankful for intuition and understanding.
the program that seems to work best for me is goo gobs of fresh fruit, smoothies and/or fresh juice, water, and cleansing supplements and herbs (e.g. ultimate cleanse, psyllium, flaxseed, green pills). i usually end with salads/raw veggies, gradually building back up to my regular diet. i'm also fond of lemon water, yogurt (in the smoothies and before/after using the cleansing pills), and chlorophyll.
given february's ordeal and this entry from march, it's high time for a break. my natural urge to cleanse comes up every 3-4 months or so if i've been bad--which i have.
experiences like this tend to lure me back into unhealthy habits and cycles in the name of grounding myself, but i'm learning that maybe it's better for me to walk around on tiptoe just a little bit.
i've read mixed reviews on fasting/cleansing during one's cycle, but i think i prefer it, especially since i've begun to realign with the strength of the full moon. menstruation is a profound cleansing in and of itself, so i'm taking it as a signal that in this cycle i need to clear obstacles with some physical discipline vs. prayer.
cleansing also means more clarity of mind and spirit, so i'm hoping this will also lead to a breakthrough in the battle with writer's block. i tend to journal more frequently and freely during a fast, and i've been hiding from my thoughts lately. time to stop that.
peace & clarity, y'all
today i am thankful for intuition and understanding.
7.27.2007
catharsis #1
trying to figure out how to get out of this funk...
part of it has to do with railing against the boredom.
i need to get back on my prayer schedule.
monday's a full moon. time to get some obstacles out of the way.
an extended fast is in order. i've been avoiding any kind of cleansing because i've convinced myself that i don't have the energy/power to keep it up. that's a lie.
the once-a-week fasting went really well for awhile, but stress and annoyance got me off track. i've been sporadic (at best) for weeks.
i've also gotten sloppy about keeping up the other end of the bargain: sticking to vegan/natural foods when i break the daytime fast. now i just go home and pig out. not ideal.
i need to be clear, but i understand that part of me doesn't want to deal with the energy of clarity. i think i've been afraid of what i'll discover, need, want, or realize if i stay on that level too long.
it's something of a misguided protective mechanism; it's extremely difficult for me to resign myself to sitting here day in and day out when i'm functioning optimally. better to sedate myself with cookies and sit here half awake. the illusion of physical hunger keeps me focused on something other than my goals. i've probably always been a little too resistant to change for my own good.
been thinking more about bodywork lately, but that's another sort of heartbreak. i still feel like i'll make a living at it. one day. but that doesn't change the fact that i need money i don't have to get started.
i can't decide if i would rather go into debt to get licensed and hustle from there, or if i should just get my ducks in a row now so i'll be free & clear later.
...well, maybe that's not so difficult. free and clear sounds much better to me. i'm not a good hustler.
i need to move my body. i have to find a way to fit yoga back into my schedule/budget. find a dance class. been saying it for months now, but i really need to make it a priority. i'm certain that my lack of movement is contributing to this feeling of stagnation. moving my body and keeping my energy aligned will whip my mental and spiritual faculties into shape.
there's so much more to this...
i have to become unafraid of opening the floodgates.
repression leads to extremes of implosion and explosion--modes i want to avoid.
i need a way to scream, cry, release. i haven't given myself space to do that. sometimes i don't know if i remember how to.
there has to be a way to vent frustration and progress at the same time.
part of it has to do with railing against the boredom.
i need to get back on my prayer schedule.
monday's a full moon. time to get some obstacles out of the way.
an extended fast is in order. i've been avoiding any kind of cleansing because i've convinced myself that i don't have the energy/power to keep it up. that's a lie.
the once-a-week fasting went really well for awhile, but stress and annoyance got me off track. i've been sporadic (at best) for weeks.
i've also gotten sloppy about keeping up the other end of the bargain: sticking to vegan/natural foods when i break the daytime fast. now i just go home and pig out. not ideal.
i need to be clear, but i understand that part of me doesn't want to deal with the energy of clarity. i think i've been afraid of what i'll discover, need, want, or realize if i stay on that level too long.
it's something of a misguided protective mechanism; it's extremely difficult for me to resign myself to sitting here day in and day out when i'm functioning optimally. better to sedate myself with cookies and sit here half awake. the illusion of physical hunger keeps me focused on something other than my goals. i've probably always been a little too resistant to change for my own good.
been thinking more about bodywork lately, but that's another sort of heartbreak. i still feel like i'll make a living at it. one day. but that doesn't change the fact that i need money i don't have to get started.
i can't decide if i would rather go into debt to get licensed and hustle from there, or if i should just get my ducks in a row now so i'll be free & clear later.
...well, maybe that's not so difficult. free and clear sounds much better to me. i'm not a good hustler.
i need to move my body. i have to find a way to fit yoga back into my schedule/budget. find a dance class. been saying it for months now, but i really need to make it a priority. i'm certain that my lack of movement is contributing to this feeling of stagnation. moving my body and keeping my energy aligned will whip my mental and spiritual faculties into shape.
there's so much more to this...
i have to become unafraid of opening the floodgates.
repression leads to extremes of implosion and explosion--modes i want to avoid.
i need a way to scream, cry, release. i haven't given myself space to do that. sometimes i don't know if i remember how to.
there has to be a way to vent frustration and progress at the same time.
mantras, a.k.a. shit i need to remember i know how to manifest
money comes easily and regularly (thanks, oyin)
open ori, abundant blessings.
peace, purpose, wisdom, clarity (an oldie but goodie)
you have heaven in you (maferefun ifa)
open ori, abundant blessings.
peace, purpose, wisdom, clarity (an oldie but goodie)
you have heaven in you (maferefun ifa)
7.26.2007
attitude adjustment
i suppose i'm trying to balance gratitude for being among the employed with the aggravation of knowing i can do better and the (quasi) guilt of wanting more.
i ain't where i wanna be.
it was lovely having time off, but it's still a little too hard to get up in the morning, everything still annoys me a little too much, and i'm still only really happy when i'm not here.
besides, every place i've worked had a great team when i started and, thanks to managerial "insight", looked pretty fked up by the time i left. that fkupedness has begun to rear its head.
so it's about that time.
i ain't where i wanna be.
it was lovely having time off, but it's still a little too hard to get up in the morning, everything still annoys me a little too much, and i'm still only really happy when i'm not here.
besides, every place i've worked had a great team when i started and, thanks to managerial "insight", looked pretty fked up by the time i left. that fkupedness has begun to rear its head.
so it's about that time.
7.21.2007
housekeeping
i should clean more often.
it's not that i'm a bad housekeeper, but i can get lazy. i was a lot more conscientious when i lived with other people.
i find i have a fairly high tolerance for my own mess. particularly when it involves dusting or laundry.
but there is nothing like the feeling of coming home to a freshly cleaned and straightened house. no random clutter, bed made, laundry put away, dishes-free sink, sparkly bathroom...
no wonder rich folks will go thru so much for a good maid.
it's not that i'm a bad housekeeper, but i can get lazy. i was a lot more conscientious when i lived with other people.
i find i have a fairly high tolerance for my own mess. particularly when it involves dusting or laundry.
but there is nothing like the feeling of coming home to a freshly cleaned and straightened house. no random clutter, bed made, laundry put away, dishes-free sink, sparkly bathroom...
no wonder rich folks will go thru so much for a good maid.
7.19.2007
giving thanks
i've found that this can serve as an immediate cheer-me-up or, at least a getting-thru-the-day.
after being violated, stolen from, getting bad news from several sources, and being exceedingly stressed out--all within the last 2 months--i really need to be grateful for something in order to balance out what i feel i've lost. so.
friends who double as prayer partners
my warriors & their protection which surrounds me and my home
family
geico! (they really are great. lol)
ile mi
fresh fruit...especially sinfully sweet, juicy nectarines
oyin
vacation time
sympathetic cats (thanks, 'dare)
geles in all their manifestations
omi tutu
rental cars & free upgrades
netflix
paper moon diner
the way he always lets me cry on his shoulder
summer
cool breezes
french fries
the understanding that things are just that, and can be replaced
moon cycles & the power they bring
after being violated, stolen from, getting bad news from several sources, and being exceedingly stressed out--all within the last 2 months--i really need to be grateful for something in order to balance out what i feel i've lost. so.
friends who double as prayer partners
my warriors & their protection which surrounds me and my home
family
geico! (they really are great. lol)
ile mi
fresh fruit...especially sinfully sweet, juicy nectarines
oyin
vacation time
sympathetic cats (thanks, 'dare)
geles in all their manifestations
omi tutu
rental cars & free upgrades
netflix
paper moon diner
the way he always lets me cry on his shoulder
summer
cool breezes
french fries
the understanding that things are just that, and can be replaced
moon cycles & the power they bring
lazy blog
aka when i don't write jack, i just give you links i've stumbled upon lately. lol.
bi kidude
damn, is it that deep?
afrobella
my uterus, my business
the beauty of africa
living in sin
bi kidude
damn, is it that deep?
afrobella
my uterus, my business
the beauty of africa
living in sin
7.17.2007
ori tutu
it's still a struggle...
thankfully, as i write this, i'm not financially strapped. but i do need to clean the house. and buy soap...lol.
more than anything, i'm wondering what needs to be done to ensure that these inconveniences and setbacks do not continue.
is something trying to get my attention?
is there something i need to repel?
is it just the usual bullshit that tries to keep you down when you get your foot on the path? the fkupedness of urban living?
whatever it is, i firmly intend to nip it in the bud. posthaste.
p.s.--as long as i have your attention, please rent/buy/somehow see this movie. it was made in the 80s, so the special effects can be laughter-inducing. but if you can get past that, it's an amazing example of our how our ancestors triumphed over the brutality of slavery. maferefun egungun!
thankfully, as i write this, i'm not financially strapped. but i do need to clean the house. and buy soap...lol.
more than anything, i'm wondering what needs to be done to ensure that these inconveniences and setbacks do not continue.
is something trying to get my attention?
is there something i need to repel?
is it just the usual bullshit that tries to keep you down when you get your foot on the path? the fkupedness of urban living?
whatever it is, i firmly intend to nip it in the bud. posthaste.
p.s.--as long as i have your attention, please rent/buy/somehow see this movie. it was made in the 80s, so the special effects can be laughter-inducing. but if you can get past that, it's an amazing example of our how our ancestors triumphed over the brutality of slavery. maferefun egungun!
7.16.2007
today...
i'm tired, but it's a good tired. nothing like a little hard work to help you move past the mental stress.
feeling blessed in general. prayed for. healing in progress. reaching the balance, slowly but surely.
mon-wed this week. that's it. then a long awaited break. housecleaning, friends, fun, sun.
depending on whether or not i have something more interesting to say later, this might be a placeholder. we'll see.
have a good day, darlings.
feeling blessed in general. prayed for. healing in progress. reaching the balance, slowly but surely.
mon-wed this week. that's it. then a long awaited break. housecleaning, friends, fun, sun.
depending on whether or not i have something more interesting to say later, this might be a placeholder. we'll see.
have a good day, darlings.
7.13.2007
mayo
i went to girl scout camp for a couple of years, probably when i was 8-10 years old.
as at most sleep-away camps, many things revolved around the dining hall. we learned how to fold and unfold the flag into a triangle. we put it up in the morning, and retired it at night.
we literally sang for our supper: you sang to get in the hall, you sang to see who would get served first, who got to leave to go to the pool first (loudest group won)...we sang grace, too.
each day, one camp would arrive early to set the tables and serve. that meant one or two people from your camp sat at each table, and you were something of a waitress for everyone else that day. everyone rotated, so everyone had the experience of serving and being served.
one of the folks in the kitchen was a black woman named mayo--at least that's what we called her. not even "miss mayo", which--as a properly raised quasi-southern young girl--would have been her proper title. just mayo.
mayo loved us. she gave us treats for our hikes, smiled at us as we came through the kitchen. she probably called us things like "baby" and "honey", too.
i'm sure she gave everyone those treats and those smiles. but--in the spirit of the best teachers and grandmothers--she had a wonderful way of making you feel like you were the only camp she was giving treats to that day.
i'd never seen anyone like her. i was used to large people; my family is tall on both sides. but mayo was tall and wide.
it was impossible to tell how old she was. she could have been 40, she could have been 80.
and she was dark. up until then, i'd never met anyone who was as literally black as this woman was. she wasn't what we'd call blue-black, but she shone.
she was loud, too, but not crude. her voice had a natural resonance that she either could not or did not want to contain. if she was annoyed, it was rolling thunder. if she was happy, it was an endearing, steady hum. there was something utterly southern about her.
i am certain i had to have had ancestors like her, but she's the closest representation i've seen in the flesh, before or since, of what we must have been like somewhere between africa and the first couple generations who had english as a first language.
obviously, she left an impression.
every so often, i think of her. i have no idea why.
but, it moved me to write, so i went with it.
mama mayo, wherever you are, i pray you are blessed.
ashe.
as at most sleep-away camps, many things revolved around the dining hall. we learned how to fold and unfold the flag into a triangle. we put it up in the morning, and retired it at night.
we literally sang for our supper: you sang to get in the hall, you sang to see who would get served first, who got to leave to go to the pool first (loudest group won)...we sang grace, too.
each day, one camp would arrive early to set the tables and serve. that meant one or two people from your camp sat at each table, and you were something of a waitress for everyone else that day. everyone rotated, so everyone had the experience of serving and being served.
one of the folks in the kitchen was a black woman named mayo--at least that's what we called her. not even "miss mayo", which--as a properly raised quasi-southern young girl--would have been her proper title. just mayo.
mayo loved us. she gave us treats for our hikes, smiled at us as we came through the kitchen. she probably called us things like "baby" and "honey", too.
i'm sure she gave everyone those treats and those smiles. but--in the spirit of the best teachers and grandmothers--she had a wonderful way of making you feel like you were the only camp she was giving treats to that day.
i'd never seen anyone like her. i was used to large people; my family is tall on both sides. but mayo was tall and wide.
it was impossible to tell how old she was. she could have been 40, she could have been 80.
and she was dark. up until then, i'd never met anyone who was as literally black as this woman was. she wasn't what we'd call blue-black, but she shone.
she was loud, too, but not crude. her voice had a natural resonance that she either could not or did not want to contain. if she was annoyed, it was rolling thunder. if she was happy, it was an endearing, steady hum. there was something utterly southern about her.
i am certain i had to have had ancestors like her, but she's the closest representation i've seen in the flesh, before or since, of what we must have been like somewhere between africa and the first couple generations who had english as a first language.
obviously, she left an impression.
every so often, i think of her. i have no idea why.
but, it moved me to write, so i went with it.
mama mayo, wherever you are, i pray you are blessed.
ashe.
7.12.2007
show of strength
some days it's amazing that i find a way to keep from screaming.
i can't believe that i'm not sitting here in tears, babbling like an idiot.
i don't know if this is strength, or stupidity.
probably survival.
i do need a job, after all.
but this is one of those days i have to hold my breath.
on my way to work, i almost got caught up in the breeze and the sunshine and the brilliance of the trees...not to mention cassandra's voice on the stereo...
and i had to stop it.
suck it all in.
hold back the poems trying to bubble up,
hold back the instinct to find a spot to pour libation and pray,
refuse to dance to the drums playing in my head.
because i knew i had to come in here, and i haven't figured out how to balance ecstacy and professionalism just yet.
obatala, keep my head cool.
today i am grateful for sunshine, laughter, jasper, and just the right song at just the right time.
i can't believe that i'm not sitting here in tears, babbling like an idiot.
i don't know if this is strength, or stupidity.
probably survival.
i do need a job, after all.
but this is one of those days i have to hold my breath.
on my way to work, i almost got caught up in the breeze and the sunshine and the brilliance of the trees...not to mention cassandra's voice on the stereo...
and i had to stop it.
suck it all in.
hold back the poems trying to bubble up,
hold back the instinct to find a spot to pour libation and pray,
refuse to dance to the drums playing in my head.
because i knew i had to come in here, and i haven't figured out how to balance ecstacy and professionalism just yet.
obatala, keep my head cool.
today i am grateful for sunshine, laughter, jasper, and just the right song at just the right time.
7.11.2007
why the new name, you ask?
ok.
so i made some sweet tea last night
and sitting here, writing poems and junk, trying to embrace an odd mood of combined
inspiration
boredom
prayer
stress (if i don't remind myself of the stress, i'll attempt to gloss over it)
and a particular sort of loneliness
i drank two glasses of it
and now i have a headache
'cause i used white sugar
(bein bad)
instead of the brown sugar and/or honey i've been using in my teas
*sheepish lil girl voice*
i just wanted it to taste like mommy's...
oooohhhh lordy no (c) olly
so i made some sweet tea last night
and sitting here, writing poems and junk, trying to embrace an odd mood of combined
inspiration
boredom
prayer
stress (if i don't remind myself of the stress, i'll attempt to gloss over it)
and a particular sort of loneliness
i drank two glasses of it
and now i have a headache
'cause i used white sugar
(bein bad)
instead of the brown sugar and/or honey i've been using in my teas
*sheepish lil girl voice*
i just wanted it to taste like mommy's...
oooohhhh lordy no (c) olly
a moment in psychobabble
this morning while i was in a *yawn* meeting, i decided to write out a list of emotions. i thought it would help me feel a little less haywire. strangely enough, it did. so here goes:
i'm not sure what i want to do with this information yet. maybe just bringing it into consciousness is enough for the moment.
what i'm feeling right now
fatigue, love*, restlessness, faith
anger, resilience, frustration, joy*
happiness, shifting/change*, annoyance, boredom
burnout, patience, decisiveness, effects/passage of time
arid, aggression, fractured, spirit
moody, openness*, power*, blockage
fear, bliss*, impatience, softness
blindness, acceptance, pain
what i need to feel
healing, power, hope, joy
health, bliss, relaxation, compassion
peace, connectivity, accomplishment, abundance
stimulation, love, inspiration, passion
openness, movement, eagerness, change/adaptation
release, beauty, progress, inspiration
*where things are matching up
i'm not sure what i want to do with this information yet. maybe just bringing it into consciousness is enough for the moment.
7.10.2007
burnout
i need a break.
i've come to realize that bliss comes in moments when i'm not at work, and don't have to worry about going to work for at least 48 hours. but as soon as i know i need to go back...
he's got a hell of a battle ahead of him.
there are no words i know that can convey how much i love him.
i want him to be ok.
but my ok and god's ok might be very different.
i'm tired of money issues.
i'm tired of working so hard at love that i forget how to play at it.
i feel like i haven't truly relaxed in weeks. the baths and prayers aren't working like they used to.
i don't want to run away from my problems.
i want time and space to regroup so i'll have the strength to face them head on.
i want to feel at peace.
i want to breathe.
i've come to realize that bliss comes in moments when i'm not at work, and don't have to worry about going to work for at least 48 hours. but as soon as i know i need to go back...
he's got a hell of a battle ahead of him.
there are no words i know that can convey how much i love him.
i want him to be ok.
but my ok and god's ok might be very different.
i'm tired of money issues.
i'm tired of working so hard at love that i forget how to play at it.
i feel like i haven't truly relaxed in weeks. the baths and prayers aren't working like they used to.
i don't want to run away from my problems.
i want time and space to regroup so i'll have the strength to face them head on.
i want to feel at peace.
i want to breathe.
7.09.2007
to all the girls...
courtesy of group hug:
to all the girls who think they can't have orgasms: you can, you will. just know that the entire issue is mental. there is most likely nothing wrong with you physically. pleasure and pain all exsist in your mind. you have to be turned on. you have to turn yourself on. you cannot allow yourself any guilt over your pleasure. you have to push yourself beyond being uncomfortable with pleasure. expirement [sic] with yourself. and don't be afraid. there is nothing wrong with you. and anyone who tells you that pleasure of that kind is immoral has no grasp on morality. you are normal. you are healthy. and you are allowed to feel good. it's alright.
7.08.2007
ecstatic
i'm feelin a way (c) myra
it's like the slightest breeze/touch/bit of perfectly applied pressure will set me off into waves of bliss.
even cooking has given me a slight buzz. the feeling of the food in my hands and the scents of the spices are exhilarating.
there's a feeling of
ripeness
wholeness
warm ripples of honey
fresh water
(i can't even imagine what it would be like to swim right now...good god)
i'm very aware of me. fully in my body.
i think it's been a long time since i've allowed myself that. for a lot of reasons. but it feels fantastic.
i'm gonna have to ride this til the wheels fall off. gotdamn.
today i am thankful for oshun's blessings.
it's like the slightest breeze/touch/bit of perfectly applied pressure will set me off into waves of bliss.
even cooking has given me a slight buzz. the feeling of the food in my hands and the scents of the spices are exhilarating.
there's a feeling of
ripeness
wholeness
warm ripples of honey
fresh water
(i can't even imagine what it would be like to swim right now...good god)
i'm very aware of me. fully in my body.
i think it's been a long time since i've allowed myself that. for a lot of reasons. but it feels fantastic.
i'm gonna have to ride this til the wheels fall off. gotdamn.
today i am thankful for oshun's blessings.
7.07.2007
goddess be praised...
i always love being a woman, but there are days when i am simply in awe of it.
understanding the power and beauty inherent in my bliss is simply...thrilling.
i've found a groove, and i'm grateful for it.
up earlier than i wanted to be, but that's all right. i have more of the day to play in. and it will be a beautiful one: plenty of heat and sunshine, low humidity...ahhhhh.
gonna do a few sun salutations before i get in the shower...
i'll make a heavenly shea butter concoction to rub into my scalp after my shampoo. treat my ori to some deliciousness.
still planning on getting some writing done...
this is gonna be a good weekend. finances be damned.
adupe egungun mi
adupe ori mi
adupe osun! ori yeye o!
adupe sango...kawo kabiyesile! baba aladufe!
peace & sunshine, y'all.
understanding the power and beauty inherent in my bliss is simply...thrilling.
i've found a groove, and i'm grateful for it.
up earlier than i wanted to be, but that's all right. i have more of the day to play in. and it will be a beautiful one: plenty of heat and sunshine, low humidity...ahhhhh.
gonna do a few sun salutations before i get in the shower...
i'll make a heavenly shea butter concoction to rub into my scalp after my shampoo. treat my ori to some deliciousness.
still planning on getting some writing done...
this is gonna be a good weekend. finances be damned.
adupe egungun mi
adupe ori mi
adupe osun! ori yeye o!
adupe sango...kawo kabiyesile! baba aladufe!
peace & sunshine, y'all.
the magdalene
...and jesus had a wife (c) saul williams
...peter added:
"how is it possible that the teacher talked in this manner with a woman about secrets of which we ourselves are ignorant? must we change our customs, and listen to this woman? did he really choos her, and prefer her to us?"
then mary wept, and answered him:
"my brother peter, what can you be thinking? do you believe that this is just my own imagination, that i invented this vision? or do you believe that i would lie about our teacher?"
at this, levi spoke up:
"peter, you have always been hot-tempered, and now we see you repudiating a woman, just as our adversaries do. yet if the teacher held her worthy, who are you to reject her?
~the gospel of mary magdalene, p.17, v. 14-20; p.18, v.1-12
7.06.2007
feelin like...
feelin like
brown sugar bubblin up into
sweet sticky caramel
full of
sweet things and
fire
illuminated
golden
me.
brown sugar bubblin up into
sweet sticky caramel
full of
sweet things and
fire
illuminated
golden
me.
7.05.2007
feed me...
i've been feeling hungry again.
so, naturally, now i want to know what i'm hungry for.
it doesn't feel so much like a need for travel like last time. could be related to the baby issue. maybe a reminder to get crackin on the job hunt? i don't know.
last night i did some offerings, but i couldn't really bring myself to pray--at least not aloud. i rested in my sacred space, trying to focus and make an effort to be present. there wasn't much else i could bring myself to do aside from listening to the thunder.
i've been working with my energy a lot lately...noting ups and downs, channeling it into experiments with card reading, prayer, sometimes writing. it's been a challenge, trying to keep from falling into old patterns of inaction and apathy, but i think i've done a good job.
but the hunger is a sign that i need more.
the journey continues...
so, naturally, now i want to know what i'm hungry for.
it doesn't feel so much like a need for travel like last time. could be related to the baby issue. maybe a reminder to get crackin on the job hunt? i don't know.
last night i did some offerings, but i couldn't really bring myself to pray--at least not aloud. i rested in my sacred space, trying to focus and make an effort to be present. there wasn't much else i could bring myself to do aside from listening to the thunder.
i've been working with my energy a lot lately...noting ups and downs, channeling it into experiments with card reading, prayer, sometimes writing. it's been a challenge, trying to keep from falling into old patterns of inaction and apathy, but i think i've done a good job.
but the hunger is a sign that i need more.
the journey continues...
7.04.2007
today i am thankful for...
mothers
shea butter
prayer
old navy
candles
breakfast. at 2pm. with him.
thunder
love
sunshine
comfortable beds
cats
clean kitchens
possessing a gspot
books and the time to read them
peace
orgasms
music
cool summers
forgiveness
tank tops
shea butter
prayer
old navy
candles
breakfast. at 2pm. with him.
thunder
love
sunshine
comfortable beds
cats
clean kitchens
possessing a gspot
books and the time to read them
peace
orgasms
music
cool summers
forgiveness
tank tops
7.02.2007
possibilities
i've had several conversations lately about children...how someone's babies were doing, how they're growing, and when i'm going to have some of my own.
most of my life i've been pretty ambiguous about the prospect of being a mother. my mother's family is not what anyone would call prolific. it's never been impressed upon me that i must have children. it's a choice that i've been taught to treat with the utmost care, esteem, and respect. you don't just have babies just to have them, and you don't have them young if you can help it.
that said, something in me fully awakened today.
i want a baby.
i want to experience gestation, creation.
facilitate the entry of a new/old soul.
it's like...there's a room in the center of my body that wasn't there before. i want to decorate it with flowers and beautiful colors, soft light and sweet words.
i want to be full of life and love and possibilities--not that i'm lacking that, but to share those things with the universe in the process of developing a human being...
wow.
most of my life i've been pretty ambiguous about the prospect of being a mother. my mother's family is not what anyone would call prolific. it's never been impressed upon me that i must have children. it's a choice that i've been taught to treat with the utmost care, esteem, and respect. you don't just have babies just to have them, and you don't have them young if you can help it.
that said, something in me fully awakened today.
i want a baby.
i want to experience gestation, creation.
facilitate the entry of a new/old soul.
it's like...there's a room in the center of my body that wasn't there before. i want to decorate it with flowers and beautiful colors, soft light and sweet words.
i want to be full of life and love and possibilities--not that i'm lacking that, but to share those things with the universe in the process of developing a human being...
wow.
flying jewels
i went to feed my meter this afternoon, and there was the most beautiful black and gold dragonfly resting on my radio antenna. it looked like a golden brooch with onyx accents.
i didn't even think we had pretty dragonflies here...i've only seen the dull gray-blue ones. i love when nature gives me pretty little surprises.
i didn't even think we had pretty dragonflies here...i've only seen the dull gray-blue ones. i love when nature gives me pretty little surprises.
7.01.2007
caged bird seeks opportunities for flight...
i'm beginning to soften a bit about honey.
i don't feel as angry. but i'm still distrustful. he's being very gentle, loving. but i'm more closed to it than i'd like to be.
i miss him, i love him, but i still need time.
time is something i've taken more than a few liberties with when it comes to my heart. i have this way of using stepping stone relationships to fill the spaces between more in-depth encounters. very interesting people tend to fall across my path. i think "why not?".
there also tend to be consequences--at least for the poor fellow(s) who happen to wander my way.
i admit that i enjoy being liked. i like being fawned over. i enjoy flexing my empathic muscles during the game of getting to know someone.
i've done all my self examination and checked in with my feelings and this and that...
i understand the need for grounding. but i also want to spread my wings. it's becoming very difficult to think of this relationship as something other than a weight on my ankles.
i know it can be more than that, however, a lot of that potential rests on his development.
can i wait for that?
and if i can, what do i need to do for myself in the meantime?
i don't feel as angry. but i'm still distrustful. he's being very gentle, loving. but i'm more closed to it than i'd like to be.
i miss him, i love him, but i still need time.
time is something i've taken more than a few liberties with when it comes to my heart. i have this way of using stepping stone relationships to fill the spaces between more in-depth encounters. very interesting people tend to fall across my path. i think "why not?".
there also tend to be consequences--at least for the poor fellow(s) who happen to wander my way.
i admit that i enjoy being liked. i like being fawned over. i enjoy flexing my empathic muscles during the game of getting to know someone.
i've done all my self examination and checked in with my feelings and this and that...
i understand the need for grounding. but i also want to spread my wings. it's becoming very difficult to think of this relationship as something other than a weight on my ankles.
i know it can be more than that, however, a lot of that potential rests on his development.
can i wait for that?
and if i can, what do i need to do for myself in the meantime?
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