pissivity (4)

in all this (emotional) working out i've been doing, i have discovered that i'm angrier than i thought i was.

it was hiding in some cracks and crevices, mainly because it's not about individuals but circumstances, incidents; having to be who i am while living in a world ravaged by patriarchy, war, and abuse.  

my idea is to get a bright red or bile green journal and write letters to these things.  whenever i'm done with it, it will be burned.

aside from the obvious catharsis, i think openly ranting will also help me (re)define where i want to focus my energies and craft solutions.

lost & found

lyrics

i can't say what this song was about for her, but for me it recalls the ongoing challenge to integrate my ego... the protective part(s) of myself i've constructed around my true Self/soul.

sometimes protection becomes obstruction...

this blog: version 3.1*

peace & blessings, beloveds!

obviously there have been some changes around here--with more coming.  including video blogs!

i'm kinda trying to hype myself up there.  i'm not really into the idea of slapping my mug up here, for a variety of reasons.  but...when Spirit speaks, i listen.  and the truth is, it's time to combat some of the wack interesting things floating around in the name of knowledge and understanding.

plus, i'm a bit slicker than i've let on.  time to own that and put in some work.

but that's enough tooting my own horn.  if you want a taste of some of the things i'll be touching on, check out Queen Mother Imakhu's podcasts or her youtube channel.    

i'm also in the process of starting my reiki practice, so there will be some cross-posting re: healing energy work.  if you'd like more information on that, feel free to comment here or get in touch directly.

so there you have it: the long version of my vague little update from two weeks ago.  and...there's more coming.  god/dess ain't finished with me yet.

as always, whether you comment often or never, i sincerely appreciate you reading and following along with me. let's go! (c) casamena

m khut n mer**,

Nuit Menhit (Omi)



*i think. i can't keep up. lol.

**m khut n mer is a kemetic salutation that essentially translates to "in light and love".

awesome stuff

i read this.

then i watched this.

i'm so glad that the conversations are finally finding better frames and language, and expressing the intersections that so desperately need to be acknowledged. well done.

kevin powell's open letter to chris brown

yes, it's long.

but it's on point.

i'm only about 1/3 through it, but knew i had to share.

i've known so many men who could have written this...some are still in the process of writing it.

either way, it's worth a look.

thank you, kevin, for saying what so many brothas need to hear. even if chris doesn't take it to heart, someone will.

woman, unapologetically

it is my hope that, one day, my sistas will stop spitting out "feminism" as if it's a dirty word.

first and foremost: the mainstream feminist movement was never "ours" anyway.  black folks seem to have developed a gross misconception of what the feminist movement entailed both during its inception, in the mid to late 20th century, and now.*

the labels womanist/womanism do better to explain the struggle of women of color for dignity, life and freedom within the kryarchic oppression imposed by their respective men--but even that might not be enough.  and that's ok.  wikipedia attempts to sum up some of the complexities:

Black feminism argues that sexism, class oppression, and racism are inextricably bound together.  Chicana feminism focuses on Mexican American, Chicana, and Hispanic women in the United States. Multiracial or "women of colour" feminism is related. Standpoint feminists argue that feminism should examine how women's experience of inequality relates to that of racism, homophobia, classism, and colonization.  Postcolonial feminists argue that colonial oppression and Western feminism marginalized postcolonial women but did not turn them passive or voiceless. Third-world feminism is closely related. These discourses are related to African feminism, motherism, Stiwanism, negofeminism, femalism, transnational feminism, and Africana womanism.

that's a lot, right?

for me, the bottom line is this:

i deserve to be able to stand up for myself and my humanity--from my seat as a woman and in solidarity with other women. if that somehow screws with the worst manifestations of the black man's ego, i don't see that as my problem.  or, more sweetly said, that is an opportunity for healing amongst the community of brothas, just as we have healing to do amongst ourselves.

being down for some of "our men" at the expense of ourselves is killing us, not to mention forcing us to shoulder the blame for systemic problems that harm us all.  somehow, our collective consciousness around those systemic issues has been reduced--in many circles--to a perceived inability to have "respectable" heterosexual relationships.**  in my humble opinion, that loss of consciousness is both unfortunate and dangerous. 

expanding that thought: if "feminism" is the root of the black man/woman problem, then maybe it got that way when black men achieved a measure of male privilege in the general society.

yes, you heard me.

in that historical window between the end of segregation and the beginning of urban decay--including the rise of the prison industrial complex--it seems that black men learned a lot and forgot a lot.  then, when sistas got wise and started looking out for ourselves, the response from the brothas wasn't, "whoa...maybe we should check ourselves."  black women were simply wrong, acting counter to our original culture, trying to be "white" and all that. or lesbians.

the forgetting was deep and complex.

black women have always worked.
black women have always been spiritual leaders.
black women have always made, kept, and used their own money.
black women have always been strong.

it'd be lovely if we could recall the concept of ubuntu, coming to understand that all our oppressions under white supremacy are linked. i can't get free without you, you can't get free without me, and the basis of all that is that we also have to let ourselves be ourselves--man, woman, human.

it is my belief that when you are following your purpose--the things you agreed to do before you incarnated--then you are assisting the community. but so many sistas are being taken off their square so they can fit in, be down, please a brotha or at least remain "attractive" to one...

warrior goddesses pushed into to being handmaids for the consciousness movement du jour. mama goddesses forced to settle for mediocre mates as they fulfill their calling to raise the beautiful babies that will someday move us all forward. love goddesses pushed into the ever changing vortex of the madonna/whore complex when they could be transforming the energy of whole communities--while enjoying deeper, higher love in more powerfully intimate spaces.***

we are so much more than the boxes we've been given. if we're going to decide to embrace afrika, we need to look at her fully, and that includes understanding the true depth and complexity of the afrikan woman.

"feminism" doesn't have a whole lot to do with that.  being truthful with ourselves does.


*anybody remember that little rift between elizabeth cady stanton and susan b. anthony around whether or not to give black women their due? remember mama audre's constant calling out of white feminists? no? see what i mean?

**despite who might be left out of that equation--not to mention the centering of the gender binary.  and who defines respectable? but that's another blog...

***and please note just how white that madonna/whore thing is. 

underworld

as i stated my solstice prayers a few nights ago, i was reminded of the underworld journey...how necessary it can be to disappear from the world and dig deep for strength, knowledge, and power.

After several intense and painful experiences, Inanna is finally freed, thanks to the intervention of the God of Wisdom. On the path returning to the upper world, Inanna rediscovers, one by one, the things she discarded at each of the 7 gates. Each time she pauses to decide whether to keep the skill, belief or symbol of success, or leave it behind, in the process she discovers that even the few she chooses to bring back with her now have different meanings and functions. But, most important, when she re-emerges into her sunny courtyard, Inanna realizes that she is not only Inanna, she now is also her sister Ereshkigal. She has actually reclaimed a part of herself, and in doing so has become whole, wise, powerful and empathetic in a way impossible before she made the journey. [link & emphasis mine.  source]

i am here.
i am encouraged.
i am ready.

the integration continues...

{for more on this, check out anything tagged the list}

my current focus is integration and synthesis. i'm still discovering neglected bits and pieces of self that, once found, start outlining their needs and demanding space of their own.

mostly it feels daunting, but i should be excited. i mean, it is exciting, right?  i get to learn new things and move through the world with these wonderfully novel self-bits.  ultimately, that leads to more confidence and strength.

so why am i being so weird about it?

because it'll just make me weirder and set me apart, again.
because it might seem contradictory to some.
because TKON is ever busy and creeping in uninvited.


i'm far better than i used to be, but i still struggle with all of the above, determined to "fit in" to a bunch of bullshit that's not worth my attention. however, what's becoming increasingly obvious is that i fit in where i need to--with other brilliant, unique folks. and i'm meeting more of those people all the time.

i am immensely grateful for that.

maybe that's the key lesson in my last tarot reading: evolution is taking time, but it also comes naturally and continually to me.  my goals are taking shape, and separating from the dead weight was a priority. soon, i may even start "shedding" the 9-5 in favor of my lifework.

snakes shed their skin in order to grow.  they cannot become taller, and i don't think i've ever seen an overweight one. the only way to mark progress is to wiggle out of the old, dull shell and emerge anew.

all animals do that in some fashion, but snakes leave evidence. a snakeskin is a repository of information and power.  of course, the snake itself is elusive, but at least you can reconstruct its story.

my snakeskins are pages.

i suppose that's why i don't look back too much, especially when i'm journaling in longhand.

if i ever get interesting enough to warrant a memoir, someone else would have to write it.

Transgender Children - Out Of The Shadows

i am continually reminded of why we need to question what we *think* we know/understand about being human.

think of how old humanity is.

think of all the knowledge & understanding that has been suppressed and lost.

think of how new the notion of "normal" truly is.

keep in mind that it is very likely we're actually RE-learning and remembering...not falling off some sin-filled, hell bound cliff.

we were made for these times...

a love letter from one of my favorite authors...

lesson learned

i'm really feeling jo nubian on this one...

it's a good reminder that the straight-up abusers and liars are not the only men to watch out for. although those men do a good bit of damage on the social/macro level, the signs of that behavior are far more obvious.

on the personal/micro scale, it can be the ones who think they have it all together; the ones who have been able to mask insecurities with a variety of talents and levels of conversation. "good" guys capable of stagnating or ruining relationships through a lack of emotional intelligence, self awareness, and triggered behavior.

that's the situation i've had to break away from, and the one i'm terrified of encountering again.

i'm worried about the boys running around with man-masks on...who've never been challenged, called out, or touched deeply enough to know what's lurking under their facades.

from here on out, i can love them in the abstract--as my brothers in the struggle.

but that's as far as i'm willing to go.

the split

self #1...ferociously protective of my space, time and energy, she is the warrior with the perpetually present blade. it is also perpetually sheathed, because she knows the one insolent enough to warrant seeing it will almost surely face elimination. this blade can take many forms...

she knows precisely when enough is enough. her eyes gleam with a razor sharp wit, and curses roll off her tongue like pillow talk--sometimes in anger, sometimes just because she likes the feel of them in her mouth.

she always knows exactly who and what is worth her time, and isn't shy about letting folks know when they've overstayed their welcome. but to those who respect her boundaries and her power, she is the most loyal friend/lover/supporter you could ever hope to have.

...i've come to think of her as my wild woman, my leo moon made flesh. she is the ever-purifying fire of change, evolution. the queen on her throne whose pleasure comes before all else.


self #2...sweetest thing this side of honeycombs and sugar cane. patient. it would be unfair to call her long-suffering, but her pain threshold is high enough to make her appear as though she is.

unwavering in love, her mantra is 1 corinthians, 13:1-10. she devotes herself fully to her beloved, willing to do anything to please him once she knows her feelings are returned.

she will endure long nights alone with a smile, strengthened by the hope that it will pay off in the end. love songs and gossamer dreams are more than enough to feed her when he's away.

time, her dreams, her sorrows...love makes them all irrelevant. her beloved is all she needs.

...this is my piscean sun, the source of my compassion and kindness. the self-sacrificial, spirit-loving priestess, focused on love and light.

the mediator: my overworked libra ascendant.

currently on the table (again): my relationship.

wild woman is ready to kick him to the curb. she's muttering that he's energy-draining dead weight, too neglectful, too much to learn. sure, he's fundamentally a good guy, but there are dreams languishing on the back burner. she's itching to start in on a complete life overhaul. if he can fit himself in the scheme of things, fine, but out of sight means out of mind, and she's starting to forget how she wound up in this mess in the first place.

of course, the mermaid isn't ready to let go. she's tied her coral heartstrings to him, so she's compelled to wait by the seashore, devoted as ever. she sees the roots of his flaws and wants to see him triumph over a painful past, no matter how long it takes. of course his ignorance and missteps pain her. she misses him when he's gone. but familiarity and comfort override all that--besides, if she cries a few tears, who'll notice? she's already sitting in the ocean...

the argument is draining all of me dry...

back to birthing

had visions of butterflies this morning...

i'm also thinking of this entry and how it still holds true.

i'm in the midst of another birthing process, both internally and externally.

i feel good.
and i'm grateful.

iba yeye mi
iba baba mi
iba olodumare olojo oni
iba orisa
iba egungun idile mi
iba egbe mi
iba elders, teachers, mentors, spirit guides

ase o

movement

revelations seem to come by the hour.

i need to do some work around money. there's something off about how that energy is working in my life.

probably said this a million times, but i really do need to commit to finding a way to move my body.

i need to revision my space.

this may be an example to follow.

smudging, bathing, cleansing...all very necessary. i have to shake off the last bit of this old skin and protect the new one.

i have blinded myself to something i desperately need to see. i am opening, but the mental blocks i put up to protect need to fall away now, even though i fear what will happen when they do.

i need more rest than i usually do. more quiet. my tolerance for nonsense, time-wasting, and other unnecessary things is waning.

my desert cravings are returning. i should probably research the symbolism of that.

this list will probably continue to grow...

decisions

it occurred to me to use this quote when i realized that i had been shut down right in that moment when i had that house of cards in my hands.

i had just made a conscious decision to return to the table when that wind came calling.

years of striving, searching, shut downs and revivals--culminating in a glorious moment, then a shout that rang in my ears for days.

there were no hard feelings, but the wheels started turning and never stopped.

so now i know what i've gotta do.

“more tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones.”
~st. teresa of avila

battle weary sexes

question: am i the only one who's starting to feel like our healing as men and womyn may need to happen (at least in part) within safe, small, same-sex spaces? that it might be awhile before we truly come together again?

it occurred to me that, in communities of color, we've stuck together under stress and duress for generations. things had to look good to "the man", regardless of whatever personal hells we lived in. we became determined to show everyone that we were ok, that our families were intact--even when that was a lie.

however, when many of those stressors eased or went away, a vacuum was created--sometimes overnight--and the spaces were filled with dysfunction.

we have survived, and we are loving and flourishing "in spite of..." every single day. there are many cycles that have been broken, abuse stopped, and ways remembered. that deserves gratitude and praise.

however, being in survival mode for generations has led to a collective trauma that is, in some ways, just coming to the surface. we forgot how to truly live and breathe in our own skin. languages broken or lost, cultural rites covered and coded beyond comprehension, we kept coming together and sticking together, only stripped of the tools, communities, and spiritual/social safety nets that could facilitate our healing.

the houses full of womyn, the prison system...these phenomenon are starting to feel like a collective return to the adolescence rites of the ancestors; a separation deemed necessary in order to grow in the knowledge that will spark full fledged adulthood.

the problem is that it's happening long after adolescence, replete with bitterness, fatigue and insanity, ensconced in a culture that only truly pays attention when you fk up. and we're still uniting to create children--whether we're staying together to raise them or not.

it's wonderful when a brotha comes to a spiritual awakening while incarcerated, 'cause we certainly know that's not the system's goal. but, presuming he wasn't wrongfully convicted, what did he have to do to get there? if he becomes a changed man but is forever locked behind the walls (or, worse, killed by the state), what does the community lose?

similarly, a house full of grannies, aunties, mamas and babies can be a haven of wisdom, beauty and strength. but it can also be a stifling prison full of ghosts, secrets and bad memories. i've seen both, and the latter is not pretty.

now, i don't say this to infer or perpetuate any gender-bias stuff or compulsory heterosexuality. we must also remember that, for many african and indigenous cultures, homophobia and erosphobia came with the european and even then was ridiculously hypocritical*. my point is, how do we become more fully, vibrantly human as individuals while collectively learning and practicing how others should be treated, particularly in love/loving?

i don't know the answer to that, although i know what's worked for me. but, if we must endure this "separation", i hope we can still be filled with love, encouragement, life and bliss in the meantime. may our children and their children know better, do better and understand better because they have been raised to avoid our missteps.

maybe the next generation will truly model reconciliation.


*aside from "god said it", i wonder if the acceptance and/or nonchalant attitudes towards same-gender relationships made the colonizers fearful that reproduction could cease, thereby drying up their labor force. keep in mind that true missionaries often became disgusted and dismayed by the officials who sent them. they quickly learned it wasn't about saving souls, it was about money. some of the more sincere ones would even "go native" and fight the power (even if they did keep trying to convert folk...).

as for the hypocrisy, i'll be here all day if i start in on the hard-wired misogyny of western european culture. women and their needs were generally ignored, so i don't really know what was thought about lesbians and other queer women. but the infallibility of the old boy network--not to mention worship of the masculine mind/ethos--made love for one's fellow man just fine as long as the proper appearances were kept up. and if you were rich and talented enough, all sorts of "eccentricities" were ignored.

goddesspace III

long-time readers will be familiar with the evolution and incarnations of the goddesspace. it started out as a sort of eclectic, crystal-centric space devoted to the divine feminine.

phase two was lovely, but short lived. i never really took to the space, and the end of summer ushered in a strange, difficult phase.

so i started again. the initial idea was great, the execution mediocre.

just as i started to birth the space, money got tight and inspiration waned. but as i've been able to give name and form to the shifts i've been experiencing over the last few weeks, the fog lifted and i could finally give the space the time and attention it deserved (i'm sure the new moon energy didn't hurt, either)...

plenty of light, color, and quartz. triangles enhance energy.

feathers...beauty, expansion, warmth; a reminder to keep the spirit light and prepared for flight.

i'm hoping that this one will last at least as long as the first, if not longer.

blossoming

i feel like i'm having more interesting conversations with more interesting people.

the world feels more open and full of promise than it has in some time.

it's almost wintertime, but the feeling of fertility makes it seem like spring. i can't even imagine how glorious that actual season will be.

it appears that obama served as a medium for the chant of change...but the energy generated from it is very real. see how spirit works?

we have opened a portal where true, lasting change really is possible.

the work has started.
the mantra has manifested.

2009 is going to be a very compelling year.

shakti

i've realized that my creativity has not abandoned me, it's been invested in recreating my reality.

my list of needs and wants is a mile long, but i'm also accomplishing goals and setting new ones in record time.

i find myself praying, manifesting, and readjusting almost constantly. my dreams are overflowing with guidance and support.

still, it's been awkward adjusting to the feeling of "missing" my writing; i'm used to leaning on a pen and pad for support.

yes, blogging is writing--but different. i miss the poems, stories, the choreographed wordplay that used to dance effortlessly across my mind.

blogging is more of a release of nervous energy or filing system--a tool that helps me track my progress, tuck away distracting thoughts, converse with folks and spark discussion.

on the other hand, i am grateful that my creative energy understands the necessity of metamorphosis depending on my needs.

right now i don't need to write as much as i need to move, visualize, and mold.

today i am grateful for the gifts granted by evolution.