damage control

in tracing my pattern of self censorship and self denial, this script emerges, courtesy of my inner child:  
i want everyone to be ok. people feel bad things...things they won't tell me about. i want to ask, but i think that will upset them.  i'll figure it out on my own. i usually do, somehow. i want to be good so everyone can be ok. upsetting them isn't good.  why can't everyone be happy? 
my parents were not abusive or even obtuse; no one would have smacked me upside the head if i asked a question--even a difficult one.  but, apparently, feeling their discomfort would have been just as bad.

fortunately or unfortunately, empathy killed my curiosity like the threat of corporeal punishment did my peers'; i had the blessing-curse of being smart and sensitive enough to see things, but not brash enough to ask about them.  instead, i developed the maddening predisposition of remaining on (self-imposed) call, trying to keep the next "disaster" from striking.*  

almost 5 years ago, i wrote this to baby girl:
just because you can see it and feel it doesn't mean you have to fix it. your vision and empathy are gifts, but they aren't always going to serve you well in love--unless it's to show you which ones to steer clear of. and you can't necessarily pass on every gift you have to others, no matter how noble your intention.  
there is no time or energy to waste on folks who don't wanna be healed--whether it's because they're not ready, they're immobilized by their own pain, they feel that they don't deserve love...whatever. it doesn't matter. not even if they're facing death. you can't change their destiny or snap their ori into shape.

as far as relationships went, i did not repeat myself.  still, there's a need to remove this programming in a deeper, more indelible fashion.  as i've said before, i have a hard time forgiving myself, and this is one of those times i could chop my own head off.  stupid, stupid girl...look what you did to yourself... 

taking a deep breath, i put things in perspective:

i was a child, and i made myself the center of things, as children are wont to do. although i didn't think i was the "problem," i made everyone else's problems mine, looked out for everyone--even when i didn't know what was wrong--because i wanted everything to be all right.    

the lesson?

i incarnated with my own life to lead, and my own destiny to fulfill.  i choose to use my gifts in ways that benefit me and others, and part of benefiting myself is taking care of myself.  my parents did their job, and never asked for anything above my ability. as a little girl, i did what i thought was right, but now it's time to let go of that "responsibility," because it is a false, exhausting one.  whatever their--or anyone else's--struggles, God/dess has it under control.   

all will be well.    

* abuse notwithstanding, i now realize much of this was a result of an osmotic connection to my father's PTSD.  as i've gotten older, the blanks have slowly filled in, and i can pinpoint my anxieties as a child to various reactions my father would have (and sometimes still has) and, maybe, my mother's coping mechanisms.  my early experiences of loss probably didn't help.




the year of perfect nothingness.
the year of perfect emptiness.

this year, i choose to be nothing but my true, divinely connected Self.
this year, i empty myself of any over-active ego and open to Spirit.

i choose freedom.  i am free.
i choose joy. i am joyous.
i choose expansion. i am expansive.

i have everything i need to fulfill my destiny.


lost & found


i can't say what this song was about for her, but for me it recalls the ongoing challenge to integrate my ego... the protective part(s) of myself i've constructed around my true Self/soul.

sometimes protection becomes obstruction...


gateway women

tonight i discovered gateway women, a blog geared towards childless women.  i think i'll be a frequent visitor.

the author is in her late 40s and from the UK, but i'd recommend it for anyone well into their 30s that isn't quite sure if things are gonna "work out" in the marriage/relationship/kids department.

she's definitely spoken to many of the things i've felt and thought over the last few years, but haven't seen written anywhere else.  in my head, i've started referring to them as single people problems.

from the "founder" page: 
Right now, there’s a whole generation of women who aren’t in the right relationship and can’t afford to have a baby ‘by themselves’ (even if they could face it).  Professional, educated, intelligent, capable, loving, emotionally-intelligent hard-working women. Women who’d be fantastic mothers. But it’s not looking like it’s going to happen. Where the hell are they supposed to take their bewilderment, their grief, their rage at how things have worked out?  They’ve followed the script our culture set out: worked hard at school, gone to university, built a career, tried to build relationships with men based on mutual respect and decency.  And where has it got them?
Gateway Women supports those women in the tunnel: those women still hoping that they’ll ‘manage’ to have a family. They’re just not sure how. Or with who. Or when. Or who’s going to pay for it…
Gateway Women sets out to challenge the ideas around identity and motherhood that are often at the heart of much unhappiness when the ‘baby story’ doesn’t work out, and to help women find their nomo mojo...  It is liberating, empowering, exciting and transformational work.

in speaking with a couple of friends tonight about feeling invisible, they mentioned the possibility of me being some kind of pioneer, similar to Jody referring to us as a group of women that (statistically speaking) hasn't existed before.

i can't say it's an exciting "first", but it's good to know i'm not alone.