mysterious ways

my head is (almost literally) spinning...

when i feel like this, it's almost like witnessing the formation of a storm.

the clouds begin to speak to one another and line up in formation...
the sun takes a backseat...
humidity rises...
then, maybe a drop or two of rain, an ache in the bones of some elders...
then the downpour.
soon the thunder and the lightning...

but i'm not that far gone yet.

there's just the smallest beginnings of a hurricane.

in the meantime, i've gone back to traveling blind in my sleep. long walks and journeys i can't see or remember. when it's time to start my day, i'm exhausted and entranced. i don't wake up so much as i emerge from the bottom of the ocean.

i want to know where i'm going, what i'm seeing, who i'm meeting.
what am i learning?

maybe it's one of those mysteries i'm not ready to fully understand yet.



things got rough yesterday.
my stomach still hasn't settled down. but the mint tea helped.

this morning i was up early enough to take a bath.
i still smell like sandlewood. yum.

i had to sit with the ancestors for a moment and breathe.

thank god for yoga.

i'm sure they won't be the only deep breaths i take today.

i want things to be ok between us.
but i have to see him take some responsibility for his own healing.
there's no other way for us to move forward.

i'm committed to staying positive and looking forward to the long weekend...food, friends, family, food...

hopefully i can drag him around with me from house to house i've always wanted to. or he can drag me...

i don't know.
we'll see.

today i am grateful for breath, warm bathwater, and clarity.


fix him or move him (c) oyin

a lot's been revealed in the last few days.

between last night and this morning, i think the new moon and my ori gave me the strength to finally say enough is enough.

i love my man. i really do. i've given up a lot for him. more than he knows.

he has grown since i've known him. i've tried to not dwell on the fact that that growth occurred largely through my tears and my conviction. because i was willing to leave rather than put up with his nonsense. because i spent lonely nights not knowing where he was. because i endured holidays, birthdays, and all other kinds of days solo 'cause he "wasn't ready" or "didn't know".

i have been depleted far more than i've been filled up.

i'm tired of the emotional blackmail. the blatant immaturity. the inability to deal with the least bit of uncomforatble or novel emotion. introspection not fueled by an insulated sense of self worth. i'm sick of his lack of communication, his lack of understanding.

i can be his
best friend
business partner
mother of his children
keeper of secrets
supporter of his healing

i cannot and will not be his
whipping post
experiment in adult living/relationships

i am NOT in the business of re-raising men and never have been.

if you're crazy, say you're crazy and know it. own it. we can work from there.
don't present yourself as this bastion of...whatever and then fall all apart when you have a feeling. fuck that.

i don't want to live in a big pretty house by myself. i don't want to wait until i'm 40 or 50 to have the relationship i want with a man. but i will. because i am happy enough with me to be with me and find new pathways to my bliss.

so he needs to decide whether he's part of the solution or part of the problem.

maybe instinctively the woman that's emerging--the one i'm reverting back to-- threatens him.

he doesn't really know the me in full control of herself.

the me who will only let you make her cry three or four times, tops.

the me who will look straight through you, wake up to the reality of your bullshit, and leave you in the dust, holding incense-scented memories
...and not look back.

he's gotten glimpses of her, but when i met him and for a long time thereafter, i was too weakened to be her. and our relationship never quite closed those gaps. with some exceptions, i did that work on my own. i bled in the process, and usually dressed my own wounds.

i've spent a lot of time in this relationship by myself.

he damn well better get all those pretty intentions and thoughts of his out in the open. stop living in the fantasies he creates in his notebooks, and get down to the business of manifestation. yesterday.

my time has come. i don't know about his.

frankly? i'm not gonna worry about it anymore.

today i am grateful for the power to speak my truth.


crickets & tumbleweeds

where is everybody?

i've gotten emails from one email buddy today. having no email buddies makes the day go by sooooooooo much slower. *sigh*.

i gotta send everybody a stupid reminder about that stupid report...
make a supply order...


in other news, the process of receiving my elekes & warriors went splendidly. the beads are beautiful, and i feel more myself than i have in months--maybe years. i am finally coming out of hibernation.

and it feels good.

i was a little annoyed at having to try and find a white outfit in november (even with relaxed fashion rules, it's a challenge), but as i'm thinking about it, i see the wisdom in it. i have a whole season of reflection and introspection ahead of me. and i can plan on emerging next spring/summer in a very butterfly-ish manner.

next steps:
new tattoo
getting in shape...including not slacking off on my yoga
getting to know the new godkid
committing to more meditation/prayer
educating myself about vodou

it's a new moon tonight, people. pray for the manifestation of your dreams. if you haven't stated your dreams yet, then organize them. allow them to gestate until the next full moon.

today i am grateful for a clear head, clear water, & the presence of spirit


more toothpaste for dinner

...don't say i never gave you anything

how i feel my coworkers see me @ times...

something woke up my sacral chakra...

the poetry's starting to flow a little.
and i'm mindbendingly aroused.

this can't be good for business (the arousal part...not the writing part).

i think my root has gotten itself together...ever since i let go of him, i've gotten a lot of what i left with him back.

i'm cool with that.

it's probably all those old, old pains beginning to heal...i hold a lot of memories in my stomach/womb area. it's where my pain goes.

i keep feeling movement there...things shifting, rearranging. making room.

i'm glad.
soon, there will only be space for joy.


a few things i've realized lately...

the longest part of my hair is only a few inches from my waist.

as i get older, people seem to find new ways to try what my mother always called my "seemingly infinite" patience. i've been gifted with some, but i ain't got nothin on god if the most high sees fit to love us thru some of the nonsense i encounter daily.

i do not bounce back quickly from honey's absences. i wish i could, but i just don't. i'm always afraid i'll turn around and he'll be gone again. even when i know he won't.

being both deep as the ocean and goofy as a 2-year old is not a contradiction.

i know a lot, but i understand now that everything i know is just a foundation for the wealth of knowledge that's coming.

sometimes i have to have my back against a wall before i realize how strong/resilient/resourceful i am.

i don't write enough.

this city might be too small for me. but i might have to stay anyway.

i don't read as much as i need to to keep my brain awake.

i talk a lot of shit, but the idea of me being a mother isn't nearly as frightening or daunting as i try to make it out to be.

words have power.

learning to accept my blessings and use them to my advantage is not something i should feel guilty about. if i don't learn how to use my gifts to their fullest capacity, then i am also cheating myself of the opportunity to contribute to the elevation of my community--be it my family, my neighborhood, or my planet.

...i'm sure i'll do another one of these posts in the future. it's sort of a gratitude & goal list all tied up into one.


he's comin home...

You're my world...My water
My wind...
And my sweet honey
And you know this

*gasp & swoon*

lawd, i've missed that man.


downside: that this is "news"

upside: there's one less reason to doubt the greatness of mama africa

Libraries in the Sand Reveal Africa's Academic Past

By Nick Tattersall, Reuters

TIMBUKTU, Mali (Nov. 10) - Researchers in Timbuktu are fighting to preserve tens of thousands of ancient texts which they say prove Africa had a written history at least as old as the European Renaissance.

Private and public libraries in the fabled Saharan town in Mali have already collected 150,000 brittle manuscripts, some of them from the 13th century, and local historians believe many more lie buried under the sand.

The texts were stashed under mud homes and in desert caves by proud Malian families whose successive generations feared they would be stolen by Moroccan invaders, European explorers and then French colonialists.

Written in ornate calligraphy, some were used to teach astrology or mathematics, while others tell tales of social and business life in Timbuktu during its "Golden Age," when it was a seat of learning in the 16th century.

"These manuscripts are about all the fields of human knowledge: law, the sciences, medicine," said Galla Dicko, director of the Ahmed Baba Institute, a library housing 25,000 of the texts.

"Here is a political tract," he said, pointing to a script in a glass cabinet, somewhat dog-eared and chewed by termites. "A letter on good governance, a warning to intellectuals not to be corrupted by the power of politicians."

Bookshelves on the wall behind him contain a volume on maths and a guide to Andalusian music as well as love stories and correspondence between traders plying the trans-Saharan caravan routes.

Timbuktu's leading families have only recently started to give up what they see as ancestral heirlooms. They are being persuaded by local officials that the manuscripts should be part of the community's shared culture.

"It is through these writings that we can really know our place in history," said Abdramane Ben Essayouti, Imam of Timbuktu's oldest mosque, Djingarei-ber, built from mud bricks and wood in 1325.


Experts believe the 150,000 texts collected so far are just a fraction of what lies hidden under centuries of dust behind the ornate wooden doors of Timbuktu's mud-brick homes.

"This is just 10 percent of what we have. We think we have more than a million buried here," said Ali Ould Sidi, a government official responsible for managing the town's World Heritage Sites.

Some academics say the texts will force the West to accept Africa has an intellectual history as old as its own. Others draw comparisons with the discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls.

But as the fame of the manuscripts spreads, conservationists fear those that have survived centuries of termites and extreme heat will be sold to tourists at extortionate prices or illegally trafficked out of the country.

South Africa is spearheading "Operation Timbuktu" to protect the texts, funding a new library for the Ahmed Baba Institute, named after a Timbuktu-born contemporary of William Shakespeare.

The United States and Norway are helping with the preservation of the manuscripts, which South African President Thabo Mbeki has said will "restore the self respect, the pride, honor and dignity of the people of Africa."

The people of Timbuktu, whose universities were attended by 25,000 scholars in the 16th century but whose languid pace of life has been left behind by modernity, have similar hopes.

"The nations formed a single line and Timbuktu was at the head. But one day, God did an about-turn and Timbuktu found itself at the back," a local proverb goes.

"Perhaps one day God will do another about-turn so that Timbuktu can retake its rightful place," it adds.


there's stupidity

and then there's just utter and complete bullshit.

i'm gonna need all the pastors/preachers/reverends/bishops/elders and others who are truly about the liberation of black/brown/oppressed peoples to stand up and refute nonsense like this.

thanks to yemaya for the blog entry.

The Black preacher is nothing but the H.N.I.C (Head N*gga In Charge). Blacks have gone from the plantation to the Black Church.

This comes from Crefflo Dollar's site:

When a nation is on the brink of war, the worst thing its citizens can do is allow themselves to become divided. The Bible says that there is a time for war and a time for peace (Ecclesiastes 3:8). In fact, Jesus said that in the last days there would be wars and rumors of wars (Matthew 24:6). When this country was attacked on September 11, 2001, there was a fierce public outcry. America wanted her enemies to pay. Now, two years later, those same Americans are protesting the war against terrorism.

President Bush is worthy of your prayers and support. He is a man who rises early every morning to seek God and His wisdom through prayer and the study of the Word. This is not the time for Christians to picket, carry protest signs or throw their opinions around. The election is over, and the man in the Oval Office is the one we, as Americans, voted in. Numbers 32:7-13 makes it clear how God feels about a nation divided during a time of war.

This country needs unity, and it begins with the church. It is your responsibility as a believer to pray for the president, others in leadership, this nation, the men and women serving in the Armed Forces and our enemies--whoever they may be. Forget about your political affiliation or preference. You are first and foremost a Christian.

Begin by making these confessions:

In the name of Jesus, I declare that I will not allow any corrupt communication to proceed out of my mouth concerning President Bush or others in leadership (Ephesians 4:29).

I declare that he is a man of wisdom, and he is strengthened and guided by the Holy Spirit. I wholeheartedly support the decisions he makes for this country (1 Timothy 2:1-2).

I lift up every man and woman serving in the Armed Forces. I declare that they walk in favor, wisdom and safety and that their lives are redeemed from destruction (Psalm 91:7; Psalm 103:1-6).

If you have taken part in any protests or have allowed any corrupt communication to flow out of your mouth concerning the president, repent and begin to show your support for him by calling his name out before God. Pray for wisdom and wise counsel regarding the decisions he must make for this nation. Obey what the Word says in 1 Timothy 1-2 and 1 Peter 2:13 and: 1) continue to pray for those in authority over you; and 2) submit to that established authority. In doing so, you honor God, our president and thousands of service members. When the temptation comes to murmur or complain, rejoice that there is a man in the White House who walks and talks with God daily. Remember, united we stand, divided we fall (Matthew 12:25)!

can't believe your eyes? check it for yourself.


i feel like...

it's all coming together and falling apart at the same time.

ain't that always the way?