over two years ago, i listened to this blogtalk radio segment and wrote a sort of running commentary. it's been sitting in my "drafts section" all this time, but since the conversation continues in ATR circles, i figured i'd post it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
point of order: can we stop with the "males" and "females" thing? ugh. especially since i typically hear "men" followed by something about "females". men and women sounds so much more...civilized {no binary-o}. thanks.
1. polygamy - this was probably the most balanced discussion on polygamy i've heard in a very long time. i was glad the hostess and panel had personal experience with polygamy and were able to give a FULL breakdown of it.
is it for me? no. i joke a lot about how i'd much rather have two husbands (polyandry). in all seriousness, i see the question of polygamy as one better considered by sistas who have children and/or may directly benefit from a polygamous situation in some way. if i'm making the commitment of marriage, i would only do so with the understanding that our situation would be monogamous--at least starting out.
as a woman not necessarily committed to childbearing--and not planning on having a large family even if i do--being one of several wives holds no interest for me. i'd rather stay single and/or be the primary partner in a polyamorous situation.
2. some of the traditional ways i dig. others i don't--probably because i'm just "too far gone". i trust and love my parents and my family, but damned if i wanna get with someone i haven't even looked in the eye good yet. direct courting/dating works well for me.
i've heard that some elders take on a "chaperone" role with (adult) godchildren. others will say, "leave me out of it 'til you're really serious/ready to go to the mat."
i honor the opinions and advice of my elders, but when it comes to marriage, i'm the one who'll have to live with him, not anyone else. i've been raised to hold that responsibility as an adult woman with {hopefully} good sense, guided by my heart and mind. if that's wrong or "nontraditional", so be it.
3. no comment on the brotha with the bembe hook-up problem...
4. i wonder if, in our modern context, it's best to assist people in becoming the best they can be and go from there. as one of the panel members said, many are "struggling with the basics"--for a multitude of reasons. the need for healing is pervasive and real--the sooner
we see that, the sooner we can heal ourselves, our families,
communities, and our world. that needs to be taken into account both personally and in the context of relationships.
even so, i think we can all agree that if you love, honor, respect, and uplift yourself, you will seek the same in a mate.
5. we have to be careful about these conversations being too heterocentric/heterosexist. it's probably time to have some "alternative" discussions, particularly since queer folks are quite present in our traditions. i'm sure--or would hope--that elders will deal with these matters as they come to understand their godchildren and their destinies.
6. glad to hear them asking what men can do instead of the usual, "oh...how can we improve ourselves/make ourselves more attractive" from sistas. also glad they mentioned the importance of personal observation, intuition, and good, old fashioned common sense in choosing a mate.
Showing posts with label media. Show all posts
Showing posts with label media. Show all posts
9.13.2012
8.25.2012
Rihanna.
back in february, there was the letter...now the Oprah interview.
i'm going to try to keep this under 10-page-term-paper length.
first, i think many folks are forgetting how young these two were and still are. i'm about 10 years older than Rihanna, which means she's younger than my baby brother.
i also wonder how many folks are looking at the situation far removed from the dubious relationships of their 20s. 'cause you know what they say about hindsight. and many of those lessons--horrifically painful or just a little heartbreaking--are necessary for us to grow into our full selves at 30something and beyond. i want to save them from that as much as anyone. but the reality is that sometimes you just can't.
secondly, i'll repeat what i always say when we hear about the latest celebrity divorce, infidelity scandal or whatever: no one knows what's gone on behind closed doors. intimate relationships are complex, nuanced, messy things. in love, we forgive what we'd kill someone else for thinking. we don't know what conversations they've had, who went to what therapist, what late night conversations were had--on the phone or otherwise.
we also don't know--with the exception of Chris' admission to growing up seeing the "too much" too many black boys do--what they come from. who their examples were.
yes, kids always look up to the "cool". i loved my teen idols as much as anyone else. but you know who kept me from imitating every move, hairstyle, and wardrobe choice? my parents.
i'm aware of and sensitive to the fact that not everyone has the same guidance. but that doesn't make Rihanna an automatic role model any more than Madonna was in her day, or Etta James in hers. we could debate the pros and cons of that...but i think too many folks forget to ask why familial and community-based relationships are so lacking.
kids who have to create fantasies to escape their realities are indicative of much bigger fish that need frying. girls who don't have someone to protect them from dating an around-the-way-Chris are not going to stop dating men who beat them because Rihanna takes a stand. they'll continue to blame her (and other victims), ask what she did to provoke it, and keep trying to be perfect to avoid their own assault...until they heal. Rihanna talks about this sort of revelation in her time with Oprah.
on the flip side, every girl with a daddy worth the name knows that if they come home with a face looking like Rih-Rih's did, somebody's gonna die. full stop.
we also seem to forget that because we have more access to celebrities than ever before, we're seeing more unfiltered versions of their lives. the machines that surrounded many of our old school artists now only work for the biggest of the big (see: Beyonce).
and even then: we know what happened when Marvin met Janis. Ray Charles' heroin issues were all over the news. and the Beatles damn near shot themselves out of the sky for being arrogant enough to proclaim themselves bigger than Jesus.
celebrity is celebrity.
life is life.
before judging someone in Rihanna's shoes, we'd do well to remember that.
i'm going to try to keep this under 10-page-term-paper length.
first, i think many folks are forgetting how young these two were and still are. i'm about 10 years older than Rihanna, which means she's younger than my baby brother.
i also wonder how many folks are looking at the situation far removed from the dubious relationships of their 20s. 'cause you know what they say about hindsight. and many of those lessons--horrifically painful or just a little heartbreaking--are necessary for us to grow into our full selves at 30something and beyond. i want to save them from that as much as anyone. but the reality is that sometimes you just can't.
secondly, i'll repeat what i always say when we hear about the latest celebrity divorce, infidelity scandal or whatever: no one knows what's gone on behind closed doors. intimate relationships are complex, nuanced, messy things. in love, we forgive what we'd kill someone else for thinking. we don't know what conversations they've had, who went to what therapist, what late night conversations were had--on the phone or otherwise.
we also don't know--with the exception of Chris' admission to growing up seeing the "too much" too many black boys do--what they come from. who their examples were.
yes, kids always look up to the "cool". i loved my teen idols as much as anyone else. but you know who kept me from imitating every move, hairstyle, and wardrobe choice? my parents.
i'm aware of and sensitive to the fact that not everyone has the same guidance. but that doesn't make Rihanna an automatic role model any more than Madonna was in her day, or Etta James in hers. we could debate the pros and cons of that...but i think too many folks forget to ask why familial and community-based relationships are so lacking.
kids who have to create fantasies to escape their realities are indicative of much bigger fish that need frying. girls who don't have someone to protect them from dating an around-the-way-Chris are not going to stop dating men who beat them because Rihanna takes a stand. they'll continue to blame her (and other victims), ask what she did to provoke it, and keep trying to be perfect to avoid their own assault...until they heal. Rihanna talks about this sort of revelation in her time with Oprah.
on the flip side, every girl with a daddy worth the name knows that if they come home with a face looking like Rih-Rih's did, somebody's gonna die. full stop.
we also seem to forget that because we have more access to celebrities than ever before, we're seeing more unfiltered versions of their lives. the machines that surrounded many of our old school artists now only work for the biggest of the big (see: Beyonce).
and even then: we know what happened when Marvin met Janis. Ray Charles' heroin issues were all over the news. and the Beatles damn near shot themselves out of the sky for being arrogant enough to proclaim themselves bigger than Jesus.
celebrity is celebrity.
life is life.
before judging someone in Rihanna's shoes, we'd do well to remember that.
6.02.2011
3.24.2011
kevin powell's open letter to chris brown
yes, it's long.
but it's on point.
i'm only about 1/3 through it, but knew i had to share.
i've known so many men who could have written this...some are still in the process of writing it.
either way, it's worth a look.
thank you, kevin, for saying what so many brothas need to hear. even if chris doesn't take it to heart, someone will.
but it's on point.
i'm only about 1/3 through it, but knew i had to share.
i've known so many men who could have written this...some are still in the process of writing it.
either way, it's worth a look.
thank you, kevin, for saying what so many brothas need to hear. even if chris doesn't take it to heart, someone will.
10.19.2010
caring can make you sick
heard a story this morning about folks caring for aging/ill parents, which detailed how care giving can be "bad for your health".
but what wasn't talked about--and i automatically wondered--was how much of that has to with people's feelings of isolation in the absence of the communal/societal support necessary to care for elders and children (see: sandwich generation).
obviously, if you're worried about losing your job while trying to take care of a sick parent and raise your own babies--and this is in no way your professional training or spiritual calling--that's going to cause skyrocketing stress levels.
i also supposed that this is what happens when a culture that centers extreme individualism, independence, and youth worship finds itself having to care for vulnerable elders.
hell, why this is a problem at all, considering the constant posturing around heteronormative, patriarchal "family values"? folks trying to keep the good ol' nuclear family together ought to be getting a bonus check in the mail, right?
problem is, we fight to keep people alive or force them into being born without truly understanding or respecting the cycles of life, death, and rebirth--both personally and spiritually. then we refuse to talk about universal health care while clicking our teeth and sighing at "those poor people" we see profiled in these stories.
when are we going to learn we can't have our cakes and eat them too?
losing your job around caring for a loved one should never be a concern. family medical leave is a start, but obviously it's not enough.
we should be identifying people who want to be caregivers, nurses, personal aides, and home care professionals, and uplifting those careers as viable options over a variety of educational levels. these workers deserve to be able to unionize and earn fair wages. they should also be trained as models of healthy self-care practices.
i don't know how to change societal attitudes around life/death/rebirth except to say that many non-western european and pre-christian spiritual systems appear to do a much better job of dealing with it. i encourage folks to research the practices of their ancestors to see what wisdom you can gain there. take the science as far as it goes, then allow the spirit to do its work.
finally, we need universal health care. period. the piecemeal laws and "protections" aren't cutting it. without full access to care from womb to tomb and a legion of skilled medical professionals, we're shooting ourselves in the proverbial foot. we cannot compete with the rest of the world's productivity, creativity, intelligence and innovation in our current state. our omnipresent stressors and distractions around our general well being are major parts of the problem. that said, we must include "alternative", holistic health professionals in this vision, not just allopathic doctors.
i don't understand why this is so hard.
no. wait. of course i do.
what i'm not sure about is how to dismantle the system in ways that protect the people it hurts the most.
but what wasn't talked about--and i automatically wondered--was how much of that has to with people's feelings of isolation in the absence of the communal/societal support necessary to care for elders and children (see: sandwich generation).
obviously, if you're worried about losing your job while trying to take care of a sick parent and raise your own babies--and this is in no way your professional training or spiritual calling--that's going to cause skyrocketing stress levels.
i also supposed that this is what happens when a culture that centers extreme individualism, independence, and youth worship finds itself having to care for vulnerable elders.
hell, why this is a problem at all, considering the constant posturing around heteronormative, patriarchal "family values"? folks trying to keep the good ol' nuclear family together ought to be getting a bonus check in the mail, right?
problem is, we fight to keep people alive or force them into being born without truly understanding or respecting the cycles of life, death, and rebirth--both personally and spiritually. then we refuse to talk about universal health care while clicking our teeth and sighing at "those poor people" we see profiled in these stories.
when are we going to learn we can't have our cakes and eat them too?
losing your job around caring for a loved one should never be a concern. family medical leave is a start, but obviously it's not enough.
we should be identifying people who want to be caregivers, nurses, personal aides, and home care professionals, and uplifting those careers as viable options over a variety of educational levels. these workers deserve to be able to unionize and earn fair wages. they should also be trained as models of healthy self-care practices.
i don't know how to change societal attitudes around life/death/rebirth except to say that many non-western european and pre-christian spiritual systems appear to do a much better job of dealing with it. i encourage folks to research the practices of their ancestors to see what wisdom you can gain there. take the science as far as it goes, then allow the spirit to do its work.
finally, we need universal health care. period. the piecemeal laws and "protections" aren't cutting it. without full access to care from womb to tomb and a legion of skilled medical professionals, we're shooting ourselves in the proverbial foot. we cannot compete with the rest of the world's productivity, creativity, intelligence and innovation in our current state. our omnipresent stressors and distractions around our general well being are major parts of the problem. that said, we must include "alternative", holistic health professionals in this vision, not just allopathic doctors.
i don't understand why this is so hard.
no. wait. of course i do.
what i'm not sure about is how to dismantle the system in ways that protect the people it hurts the most.
8.18.2010
false media
{title track}
tonight i had a bit of an epiphany about competition-based reality shows. i'm sure i'm not the only one, but here goes:
now, i understand that there are prizes, career advancement opportunities and various other carrots at stake. i also don't mean to imply that there's anything wrong with honing your craft and being the best at what you do. that's a great thing.
but, beyond that...
it should be quite obvious that there is no dearth of beautiful women in the world, so why do we need a "top" model?
if you can cook, and you enjoy cooking, why subject yourself to an insufferable prick of a man (or, at best, someone who enjoys playing that role), all manner of stress, and the scrutiny of millions of strangers just to "prove" how good you are?
see my point?
talent isn't rare. giftedness isn't rare.*
there are many of us on this planet. each of us is born in a particular corner of said planet, with these gifts, talents, and abilities.
please understand: expansion and exploration is a wondrous thing. i'm not saying spend your life in a one horse town if that's not what you want to do. sometimes you're not born at home. go out, see the world, have a great time.
but, in that world-seeing, if you find a niche that contains family, friends, joy and abundance, what does all the stress and the scrutiny matter? what are the real reasons we get caught up in all this competition and hierarchical thinking?**
what's wrong with being an awesome force in your community, shining so brightly that you bring the world to you instead of forcing yourself on the world?
how many bloggers who make livings from the breakthroughs and breakdowns are living vicariously instead of using their talents to the fullest? conversely, what does it say when the only viable outlet for gifted satirists and social commentators is a sort of vicious voyeurism?
there is no need to create false hierarchies and artificially unattainable goals. we have what we need.
who has the audacity to tell us that we don't? m.a.c.? nike? walmart?
please. those things should be icing on the cake, not the alpha and omega of our lives.
let's get real. for real.
*dr. estes makes this point beautifully, often and well.
**i highly recommend reading yurugu. one caveat: i do not see euro-descended folks in the 21st century as a monolith; i firmly understand that there are whitefolks who "get" it. that said, "getting it" almost invariably involves an immersion in either an african culture or one (e.g. native american/indigenous, asian, etc) that is fewer degrees removed from humanity's ancient african ancestry. also keep in mind that much of what we think of as "european culture" is western, anglo-saxon and/or northern european. eastern europe and the moorish-influenced nations have some marked differences.
tonight i had a bit of an epiphany about competition-based reality shows. i'm sure i'm not the only one, but here goes:
if there are enough top models/top chefs/brilliant designers/gifted decorators (and the list goes on) to perpetuate several years worth of these shows, why does it matter who's the "top"?
now, i understand that there are prizes, career advancement opportunities and various other carrots at stake. i also don't mean to imply that there's anything wrong with honing your craft and being the best at what you do. that's a great thing.
but, beyond that...
it should be quite obvious that there is no dearth of beautiful women in the world, so why do we need a "top" model?
if you can cook, and you enjoy cooking, why subject yourself to an insufferable prick of a man (or, at best, someone who enjoys playing that role), all manner of stress, and the scrutiny of millions of strangers just to "prove" how good you are?
see my point?
talent isn't rare. giftedness isn't rare.*
there are many of us on this planet. each of us is born in a particular corner of said planet, with these gifts, talents, and abilities.
please understand: expansion and exploration is a wondrous thing. i'm not saying spend your life in a one horse town if that's not what you want to do. sometimes you're not born at home. go out, see the world, have a great time.
but, in that world-seeing, if you find a niche that contains family, friends, joy and abundance, what does all the stress and the scrutiny matter? what are the real reasons we get caught up in all this competition and hierarchical thinking?**
what's wrong with being an awesome force in your community, shining so brightly that you bring the world to you instead of forcing yourself on the world?
how many bloggers who make livings from the breakthroughs and breakdowns are living vicariously instead of using their talents to the fullest? conversely, what does it say when the only viable outlet for gifted satirists and social commentators is a sort of vicious voyeurism?
there is no need to create false hierarchies and artificially unattainable goals. we have what we need.
who has the audacity to tell us that we don't? m.a.c.? nike? walmart?
please. those things should be icing on the cake, not the alpha and omega of our lives.
let's get real. for real.
*dr. estes makes this point beautifully, often and well.
**i highly recommend reading yurugu. one caveat: i do not see euro-descended folks in the 21st century as a monolith; i firmly understand that there are whitefolks who "get" it. that said, "getting it" almost invariably involves an immersion in either an african culture or one (e.g. native american/indigenous, asian, etc) that is fewer degrees removed from humanity's ancient african ancestry. also keep in mind that much of what we think of as "european culture" is western, anglo-saxon and/or northern european. eastern europe and the moorish-influenced nations have some marked differences.
7.21.2010
above ground railroad
i'm really sick of this.
and the fact that rachel maddow has to waste her time with this--although i'm glad she does, 'cause if she didn't, we'd be just that much more ignorant.
shirley sherrod and van jones are prime examples of why i'd never want a {serious} government job. i don't wanna do anything that would rescind my right to speak openly and truthfully--particularly to my own folks.
obviously my vision will have to manifest outside "the system".
and the fact that rachel maddow has to waste her time with this--although i'm glad she does, 'cause if she didn't, we'd be just that much more ignorant.
shirley sherrod and van jones are prime examples of why i'd never want a {serious} government job. i don't wanna do anything that would rescind my right to speak openly and truthfully--particularly to my own folks.
obviously my vision will have to manifest outside "the system".
7.17.2009
obama's naacp speech
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i agree with you, mr. president.
but i would love for you to say more about the kids who don't have that mother, grandmother, or anyone to push them, because that's really what makes the difference--and why many of these kids fall through the cracks. even you didn't avoid all the trouble out there (bless you for refusing the "holier than thou" angle).
poverty and lack of opportunity can be overcome, most definitely. ultimately, children growing up in families with appropriate priorites who just happen to be poor are the ones most likely to have stories like yours & judge sotomayor's.
but the larger the cracks in the foundation, the bleaker the prospects become. that's not an excuse, it is simply a reality.
all sorts of abuse, drug addiction, familial dysfunction and a pervasive gutting of human dignity also contribute to our children's demise.
what of those whose poverty has been ground into their bones? what about how the psychology of poverty manifests in a capitalist society?
what of those who messed up and got caught? will we begin to reconsider the treatment of addicts and our drug policy? have you considered true prison reform so that those who have served their time can move on with their lives?
...i'm hoping those are the questions behind the "institutional" problems you noted, and things your administration plans to evaluate, at least on some level.
i appreciate the naacp as much as the next sista, but i am also keenly aware that their concerns, battles, and mentality have focused on the middle class and talented tenth segments of our community than those entrenched in the 'hood.*
to put it another way, i have no problem with this speech, but it feels like preaching to the choir.
now, the father's day bbq felt a little different. can we get more of that? thanks.
*i realize that dubois let go of some of that stuff in his later years, but--as is typical in western, either/or discourse--the damage was done as soon as the catchphrase had caught on. you were in or you were out, period. bourgie black folks reveled while the masses shrugged. more reason to remain separate, to stunt collaboration.
**also see racewire's commentary on the naacp's 100th birthday.
6.30.2009
5.04.2009
interesting stuff...
flu satire
there are comets older than the sun.
this is why i always think that stories like lord of the rings have a bit of truth to them. theoretically, all kinds of people, societies and animals could have existed that we can only understand as "fantasy"...
there are comets older than the sun.
this is why i always think that stories like lord of the rings have a bit of truth to them. theoretically, all kinds of people, societies and animals could have existed that we can only understand as "fantasy"...
3.16.2009
here we go again...
more fear-based conspiracy programming.*
i support(ed) obama and still do, within reason. whatever the consequence of his presidency, a mccain/palin one would have only sped things up (can you even comprehend the world if he kicked and that woman was in the chair??!?)
that said, obama could still fk up. it wouldn't break my heart if he did.
i'm also unnerved by the shot of the black boys drilling when they're not doing anything that you wouldn't see at a black frat step show. i'm a lot more worried about the jesus camp kids. white privilege still goes a long way.
even if this film is absolute truth, obama could still have a wake up call. he has time--whatever the consequences--to say "fk the system" and encourage others to do the same.
hell, if i remember correctly, kennedy towed the line for awhile, too. he made a decision to go the way he went; he didn't go in with guns blazing.
i am with the idea that all these financial ups and downs are orchestrated and that a handful of old white dudes are running the show. the military is dangerously overblown, and our economy is a joke mainly because a few people with a lot of money said "screw the public".
but guess what?
there are more of us than them.
people are coming to consciousness.
not everyone forgot history.
and the military ain't what it used to be--at least not in people power.
i'm not saying alex jones is completely wrong--just that information can be disseminated without a bunch of fear-mongering and with far more than a brief nod to constructive, solution-oriented thought.
*full disclosure: i watched about 40 min straight, then skipped to the end. will watch the full film later and come back, if necessary.
i support(ed) obama and still do, within reason. whatever the consequence of his presidency, a mccain/palin one would have only sped things up (can you even comprehend the world if he kicked and that woman was in the chair??!?)
that said, obama could still fk up. it wouldn't break my heart if he did.
i'm also unnerved by the shot of the black boys drilling when they're not doing anything that you wouldn't see at a black frat step show. i'm a lot more worried about the jesus camp kids. white privilege still goes a long way.
even if this film is absolute truth, obama could still have a wake up call. he has time--whatever the consequences--to say "fk the system" and encourage others to do the same.
hell, if i remember correctly, kennedy towed the line for awhile, too. he made a decision to go the way he went; he didn't go in with guns blazing.
i am with the idea that all these financial ups and downs are orchestrated and that a handful of old white dudes are running the show. the military is dangerously overblown, and our economy is a joke mainly because a few people with a lot of money said "screw the public".
but guess what?
there are more of us than them.
people are coming to consciousness.
not everyone forgot history.
and the military ain't what it used to be--at least not in people power.
i'm not saying alex jones is completely wrong--just that information can be disseminated without a bunch of fear-mongering and with far more than a brief nod to constructive, solution-oriented thought.
*full disclosure: i watched about 40 min straight, then skipped to the end. will watch the full film later and come back, if necessary.
2.26.2009
victim blaming, patriarchal pitfalls, hit dogs, and other foolishness (part 2)
they actually did post my comment, so here it is (forgive any clarity issues...i was pissed):
i should also note that some more measured responses made their way to the fore later in the day, some blasting earlier comments better than i could.
unfortunately--on fire as i was--i ran out of time and, later, out of steam. so instead of a long, drawn out rant, i'll just do some quick notes:
sample 1
yes, she's sick. because her uncle--whoever the hell he is--has been pimping her out for over half her life. note that it would be a miracle if this woman has a formal education beyond high school.
i don't even have time to deal with the fool who suggested making the "uncle" pay for college.
and how the hell are you going to make blanket judgments about what's "useless" to discuss? this is one of the things i can't stand about the "holier than thou" crew: all that "we're in good w/ jesus!" stuff makes "us vs. them" far too easy--part of the reason christianity was taught to the masses the way it was. how are we supposed to work together for the good of all if we're all too caught up playing scripture jeopardy and rushing to die and collect our "reward"?
sample 2
i saw a lot of "why didn't she just tell someone..."
because rapists threaten to kill you if you tell. it takes years to tell. i understand that it can be difficult for some folks to comprehend the lengths abusers will go to to isolate the target of their abuse.
maybe she was adopted and/or raised in the foster system herself, making her vulnerable to this sort of manipulation. this "uncle" may not have been a biological relative, and we have no idea how much sway he holds over this woman and her family, or how long he's had this power. jumping to jacked up conclusions like she has "no one to blame but herself" are silly at best and dangerous at worst.
sample 3
if you just up and quit your job, would you have a legal, legitimate means to support yourself, or are you leaning on the everlasting arms of the man, pushing paper like most of the rest of us?
if you could support yourself, you're fortunate.
if not, you have no right to judge her.
self pitying? really? no thought to what she and her children need to heal, just "man up."
pardon, your self righteousness is showing...
sample 4
again, this is her job. like it or not. it's reality.
i was grateful for a later comment stating that when someone comes from this sort of lifestyle, many churches can feel more like inquisitions than sanctuaries. they also are not always set up to help people facing real life shit.
initially, she's probably far better off finding the nearest battered women's shelter, rape support group, or community therapy clinic than walking in anybody's church. they'll take care of her spiritually after/while tending to the basics (food, shelter, clothing).
she doesn't need to testify or to be forced through a litany of her "sins"; she needs a way out. now.
sample 5
god/dess helps those who help themselves. there needs to be an understanding of the psychological and physical ramifications of this, first and foremost. this kind of response, on its own, comes off as naive, immature, and out of touch.
all this just goes to show how much work really needs to be done around sexism, patriarchy and other oppressive paradigms, power dynamics and the psychology of abuse.
some of the comments here are frightening. is it fear of seeing your story in hers? if you haven't been in her shoes, you don't know WHAT you would do or WHO you would be. it's obvious that this woman knows no other life and has been severely abused--probably long before the age of 16.
more women than you know have been raped, abused, and molested. please believe it. even if this letter isn't true, this is the voice of thousands.
she needs professional therapy for her AND her daughters, and a ticket to the other side of the country (wherever she's from), away from this "uncle", whoever he is.
i mean no disrespect, but if jesus/the bible keeps y'all from seeing the obvious in this woman's story, then i hope she runs from THAT understanding of god as far & fast as she runs from the "uncle". peace.
i should also note that some more measured responses made their way to the fore later in the day, some blasting earlier comments better than i could.
unfortunately--on fire as i was--i ran out of time and, later, out of steam. so instead of a long, drawn out rant, i'll just do some quick notes:
sample 1
yes, she's sick. because her uncle--whoever the hell he is--has been pimping her out for over half her life. note that it would be a miracle if this woman has a formal education beyond high school.
i don't even have time to deal with the fool who suggested making the "uncle" pay for college.
and how the hell are you going to make blanket judgments about what's "useless" to discuss? this is one of the things i can't stand about the "holier than thou" crew: all that "we're in good w/ jesus!" stuff makes "us vs. them" far too easy--part of the reason christianity was taught to the masses the way it was. how are we supposed to work together for the good of all if we're all too caught up playing scripture jeopardy and rushing to die and collect our "reward"?
sample 2
i saw a lot of "why didn't she just tell someone..."
because rapists threaten to kill you if you tell. it takes years to tell. i understand that it can be difficult for some folks to comprehend the lengths abusers will go to to isolate the target of their abuse.
maybe she was adopted and/or raised in the foster system herself, making her vulnerable to this sort of manipulation. this "uncle" may not have been a biological relative, and we have no idea how much sway he holds over this woman and her family, or how long he's had this power. jumping to jacked up conclusions like she has "no one to blame but herself" are silly at best and dangerous at worst.
sample 3
if you just up and quit your job, would you have a legal, legitimate means to support yourself, or are you leaning on the everlasting arms of the man, pushing paper like most of the rest of us?
if you could support yourself, you're fortunate.
if not, you have no right to judge her.
self pitying? really? no thought to what she and her children need to heal, just "man up."
pardon, your self righteousness is showing...
sample 4
again, this is her job. like it or not. it's reality.
i was grateful for a later comment stating that when someone comes from this sort of lifestyle, many churches can feel more like inquisitions than sanctuaries. they also are not always set up to help people facing real life shit.
initially, she's probably far better off finding the nearest battered women's shelter, rape support group, or community therapy clinic than walking in anybody's church. they'll take care of her spiritually after/while tending to the basics (food, shelter, clothing).
she doesn't need to testify or to be forced through a litany of her "sins"; she needs a way out. now.
sample 5
god/dess helps those who help themselves. there needs to be an understanding of the psychological and physical ramifications of this, first and foremost. this kind of response, on its own, comes off as naive, immature, and out of touch.
all this just goes to show how much work really needs to be done around sexism, patriarchy and other oppressive paradigms, power dynamics and the psychology of abuse.
2.24.2009
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