i'm learning something about myself...

i don't hold grudges.
forgiveness comes easily

but i don't forget.
not for a second.

if my first impression of you is less than stellar, i'm always going to have that in the back of my mind.

...that doesn't mean i hold anything against you.
but i won't put anything past you, either.

hence, i am rarely surprised.

when ppl tell you who they are, listen.


the tao of hip hop

i'm realizing that i haven't really listened to a lot of my hip hop cds.
i mean, truly listened.

being in love with a man who's in love with hip hop has made me rethink my associations with it.

largely i think my affiliation with hip hop is circumstance. born in the right place at the right time.

i know hip hop because i'm a child of the late 70s.
i love it because i was old enough to go to parties by the mid-late 90s.

but it was all by default. i didn't work for it.

i'm a work now, listening to a roots cd at some barely audible level--god knows why, it's not like there's anyone in the office with me at the moment.

this is definitely music made for headphones.
urban meditations.

back in college when i had my discman on at all times is when i think i truly took the time to really hear my music...

now, unless i'm at home, it just seems like a way to keep my brain from bleeding from my ears during the workday.




mother/guiding light,

i know i am in the wrong place at the right time.

i realize that i am not living my potential, nor am i truly utilizing or embracing my talents as i should. there is somewhere i need to be...

the path is cloudy and my world tenuous.

help me reveal my best self to mySelf.

i am confident that i have all i need to "make it". it is my birthright--all i need to do is reclaim it. return to my child-mind.

i am listening to my dreams, but the manifestation is slow.

assist me in shoving myself out of my own Way.

i am thankful for the opportunity to meet like-minded sisters despite distance. a fellowship beyond words.

i am grateful for those who support me, even when they do not understand me. please open the way for more understanding. constant teaching and explanation is beginning to wear on me.

allow me to find more ways to make time for expansion and refute the walls imposed around me.

enable my blossoming.


it's become my practice/habit to pray in my journals...there are a few where you'd find pages-long entreaties to God or whoever else might be listening.

since i've had my altar, i'm in the habit of writing them down and placing them there before bed, generally with a white candle burning and a request for illuminating dreams.

this didn't "flow" nearly as well as i would have liked it to (damn always having to blog at work...), but i think i got the appropriate sentiment across.

She Lives

as seen on her site...

Goddess Mantra
(by Sister Goddess Michelle)

I am a Goddess.
I am responsible for my own happiness and pleasure.
I will let go of regret. I will let go of regret.
This is my life and I chose it.
I am in full command of my destiny.
I will not force memories upon myself that set me back.
I will look forward and anticipate my happiness.

I will live without regret.
I will embrace my gorgeousness, my magnetism, my
magnificence, my effervescence.
I will surround myself with people who appreciate me
and inspire me to go higher.
I will listen to great music and I will sing.
I will continue to learn.
I will practice yoga.
I will spread joy.
I will have frequent orgasms.
I will put my pleasure first.
I will be captivating.
I am fabulous and I know it and I will be it.
I am unafraid and I am not a victim.
I will make things happen, I will shake things up.
I will make a difference.
I will follow through.
I will dance often and decorate myself.
I will let myself be happy.
I will have faith in the order or the world and
I will stake my place in it.

Because no one can do this for me.
I must do this for me.
I am for me...others will follow.

re-posted from...mama gena's school of womanly arts


on: hair

today my locs are 4 years old.

like most black women, my hair has never been "just hair".

my mother fought with it for half-the-day-long grooming sessions....

straightening comb (i never could blowdry my hair "straight")

my hair has always grown very long very quickly. up until i was about 11 years old, it reached about halfway down my back....something like midway between my shoulder and my elbow. although people tend to think of it as thick, it's not especially so. i just have a lot of it.

people have always praised my hair, even though it was never what you'd call "good"...sometimes because it was so healthy, other times it was the length or the unusual natural highlights.

i loved it too, but somewhere deep down, i always wanted it just left alone.

i hated the hours spent in a hair salon, and perms always burned the hell out of my scalp. i did, however, enjoy the specialness of the ritual. i really bonded with my stylist (who also did my mother's hair), and eventually she found a relaxer (funny how i never found them relaxing...) that didn't burn...

and things were ok.
for awhile.

sometime between high school and college, i wondered what MY hair looked like.

i started noticing more and more women with locs and other natural styles. i wondered what my hair would do if given the chance. i got tired of the wash/blowdry/flatiron routine and the tons of stuff it took just to do my hair every other week.

of course, my mother swore that my natural hair was a "mess" and that it wasn't worth trying. and what would i do with it anyway?

but i let it roll around in the back of my mind...

by the time i graduated college in 2000, i was equipped with a ton of knowledge about my heritage and my culture. i'd met vegetarians...and people who were simply vehemenly anti-pork. hindus with taboos against beef. people who knew a little something about herbal cures and magic.

it was a time where i came into an understanding of things that, until that point, i only thought of as my speculations and dreams.

meanwhile, i'd become close friends with a man with hair halfway down his back who gave me a good amount of personal insight into the locing process--both literal and figurative.

once, he asked me once to twist his dreads for him when he couldn't get home for his sister to do it. before that, although i'd always been drawn to them, i'd never come within 10 feet of a head full of locs, let alone seen a tub of beeswax with the honeycomb still in it.

once i got back to baltimore i decided once and for all: no more perms. and i never looked back.

after doing some research--and despite my mother's very loud objections--i felt ready to consider growing my own "antennae". i decided i'd start my locs at 30...an age i'd picked for a few other commitments.

but i hadn't counted on how fast my hair would grow.

so, 4 years ago today, after about a year of natural growth and 2 sets of individual braids, i walked into dreadz n headz and said, "i'd like to start my locs today, please."

i remember the stylist who started them, and how she had the most beautiful hair i'd ever seen. the smell of beeswax, natural hair oils, and the adrinka symbols all over the walls.

i knew then as i know now: this is it. these locs will never leave me.

i am not a rasta, but i have always understood--at times only instinctively--the connections between my temple and my Self.

i came to a point in my womanhood where i needed the outer to reflect the inner, and i knew that my experiences and attraction to the "style" were not just a passing phase.

(sorry, mom.)

i have never regretted my choice.

they are far more than just "hair". they are my statement to myself and the world of my dedication to a natural way of living, my heritage, and truly being ok with who i am.

i encourage ALL my sisters to try going natural at least once. even if it's just for a few months.

get to know your true Self as evidenced through your (literal) roots. don't feed in to all the bullshit as far as who and what ppl will think you are just because you sport a 'fro for a minute--do it because you want to reconnect with something beyond you. it is a process that leads you into full womanhood.

not all of us will go thru it thru our hair, but, regardless of your method, be sure to remain conscious of it. cry with it, sit with it, laugh thru it.

my path isn't necessarily your path, but the destination is the same.



really enjoyed this article

i've posted some excerpts below, but you can click here to read in its entirety

Interviewer: And yet the people in Nickel and Dimed, who were closer to real poverty than the people in Bait and Switch, seemed to have more rebelliousness, more defiance.

Barbara Ehrenreich: That was my experience. It's of course not necessarily statistically true, just in the settings I was in. But I did find that the blue-collar workers were more willing to express defiance, even if only in small ways: making faces at the boss behind her back or making sarcastic remarks. In blue-collar work, there is a larger gap between the worker and the manager. You aren't required to be as socialized, just to obey.

In blue-collar jobs, they mostly just want to know if you are taking drugs or are a convicted felon. But in the white-collar world, there's much more probing of your personality and they want one specific personality: someone cheerful, upbeat and very social. You are required to be a team player...

You end Bait and Switch with some ideas for organizing unemployed white-collar workers. Has there been any response to that?

I put out some ideas, such as national health care and increased unemployment benefits. But one thing that struck me doing the research for the book was that there was no way for unemployed or underemployed people to come together that wasn't an evangelical recruiting session or a money scam.

As I go around talking to people on this book tour, I've been helping set up networks of local underemployed and unemployed white-collar workers. People have really been excited about the simple thing of being able to sit around and share stories with other people. People feel like their job loss is their fault and just having conversations with others is breaking through the isolation and getting them to think about change. White-collar organizing has been pretty limited to health professionals, teachers, some professors. It would be great if these meetings could change that.

the shitstem has plenty of tricks up her sleeves, huh?


you have got to be kidding me

a boycott of american girl
because they support girls, inc.?


one parent noted:

I don't want my daughter to be introduced to questioning her identity, abortion issues, and an obvious political agenda namely lobbying against abstinence programs. This offends me and my family's religious convictions.

I believe it would also offend many of your other customers as well. I am organizing a boycott of your company and it's upcoming movie if this "I can" bracelet is not removed from your website and magazine.

"introduced to questioning her identity"???



yeah. ok.

i never put too much stock into this sort of vehemence until i've seen what mom decides when little suzy (heaven forfend) gets pregnant just a smidge too early for the fam's tastes...mainly 'cause she didn't know enough about her body to protect herself accordingly.

i think the message of the "i can" bracelets is what more women need to be teaching their daughters, fuck whatcha heard.

but folks wanna stay stuck in their boxes. no prob.

a friend actually drew my attention to this issue, saying, "jesus is the great pacifier for a lot of ppl...it seems more and more like ppl are coming up w/ excuses not to fight the sht around them based on their religions."


i'm glad i know about girls, inc. now. i hope they're around for another 100+ years so that i can direct my daughter to their website when she's old enough.

i would rather be in the business of raising goddesses in the full light than trying to cultivate shrinking violets in twilight.

give thanks!


i don't know what was goin on with me, but that psyllium was (part of) a miracle. it never ceases to amaze me how many forms "congestion" can take.

my energy's back, headaches gone...feeling light and free again.

can't complain about that.

honey & i have made some major strides...seems that it's not quite time to trade him in for a new model, as he likes to say.

i never really thought that anything we were going thru was un-workable, but for a moment it seemed like we weren't going to be able to find a way to understand one another. or even agree to disagree.

there's still work to be done--within and with-out--but i'm hopeful and grateful that our love will see us through.

i feel renewed. dipped in the water.

thanks & praise....


bang bang

(just 'cause i love this song)

I was five and he was six
We rode on horses made of sticks
He wore black and I wore white
He would always win the fight

Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down.

Seasons came and changed the time
When I grew up, I called him mine
He would always laugh and say
"Remember when we used to play?"

Bang bang, I shot you down
Bang bang, you hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, I used to shoot you down.

Music played, and people sang
Just for me, the church bells rang.

Now he's gone, I don't know why
And till this day, sometimes I cry
He didn't even say goodbye
He didn't take the time to lie.

Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down...

mental clarity begins with physical clarity

i think i've shocked myself into a mini-detox.

yesterday and today i've had green juice in the morning. sunday or monday evening, i took a recommended dose of psyllium.

result: chills, headaches, and all kinds of weird stuff.

there's been a real need to do something, but i couldn't see myself preparing for a full-fledged fast right now (i will, however, probably do at least a 3-day one on/around the winter solstice). yesterday i was low on energy, but today i feel much better. headaches are gone, too.

i will take some more psyllium before bed tonight, see how that works out for me. i made a pot of soup with all kinds of good veggies in it, not to mention a pot of greens (collards and kale). for dinner i think i'll have a sandwich, some soup, and whatever pills i feel like dealing with.

i've been really hard on myself lately, and it's beginning to show.


it's raining again

i'm really happy for him...
but i can see his success being our death warrant.
i don't know how to feel about that.

baby shower @ work today...i keep wondering if that will ever be my life.
i don't need the kid(s), but the husband would be nice.

my cycle was last week.
why do i feel hormonal in reverse?

my hand is beginning to ache. which means the writer's block is taking its toll.
funny how your body expresses your emotions when you can't.

i feel...defeated on some level.
i'd like to go home, crawl under some form of cover, and hide/cry/die.

but you never know...
i might have a little fight left in me.


...and then

the server @ work was down for like 1.5 hrs???!!??

i damn near slit my wrists.

i need a reading, like, asap. i need to know what i'm supposed to be doing with myself, 'cause it damn sure ain't this. not only that, but the first time i had one done i had to "clear the air" so to speak. hence, i got very little information on my life's purpose.

it seemed that at that time, my main concern was protection.

there are many different ways to "burn out". seems that my way tends towards slow and torturous.

i'm praying going to yoga tonight will help me out.





that's all.



seems like i wanna wrap my hair all the time now and

i found 2 locs trying to join in matrimony yesterday and i had to separate 'em

...but i know one day i'll wind up not twisting them anymore just for the sake of having them appear a certain way 'cause i won't have a job where that's necessary and

i need to write some poetry but i really don't know what to say or how to say it and

i kinda like what she said about katrina

...but the beating is what's really getting to me right now and

i hate that i don't have time to write 'cause i'm here all stinkin' day and

i know i need a vacation but

i don't have any money to go where i wanna go and he offered to pay but i don't know about all that, plus

that goddamned staff meeting totally fucked with my flow....

just tryin to get free. once again.



there are poems on the tip of my tongue...

stories lying just behind my eyes...

it feels like my mind is covered in some sort of fog that prevents me from putting the words together.


i need some really good food
really good sex
and some sort of mind-altering substance(s)
...not necessarily in that order.

it's gonna be a "brokeass weekend", but maybe i can find something fun to do anyway. there's the chocolate festival...god knows i could use that rush the good stuff gives you...

you know it's bad when food doesn't taste good to you anymore.

(random note: i'm always on the lookout for interesting myspace pages. i came across this one yesterday after making a comment on her blog re:

dammit i said i was going to be creative here.

i'm trying...

hold up hold up HOLD UP

sinead o'connor has a gotdamned roots reggae cd out?


(and it doesn't sound half bad...)


all i really want

is for everything to be ok with us.

that's all.

every time i'm ready to throw up my hands and walk away, it's like the universe goes, "hold on! we're not done with him yet! just hang...in...there..."

and i do.

that new lina song "smooth"? heard it on the radio the other day...

that was the first time in a long time i heard a song on the radio that felt like it'd been written just for me.

"baby you're the sun that chases all the rain away/baby you're the gray clouds that darken a perfect day/what i wouldn't do/to make this thing go smooth...."


and they wonder why i don't give them any money.

the only places on that campus that will ever get anything from me are the african american institute or the latino student bldg. the rest of 'em, well...

sign the petition

A dialogue for women of color took place at Northeastern University in Boston on September 24, 2005. Initiated by the Women's Studies Program, the dialogue was designed to create a safe space for women of color (both on campus and in the wider community) to gather to share thoughts, feelings and ideas. In order to create that safe space, it was asked that only women of color attend the morning session, however, a second component to the program was put in place for the afternoon, to which all people were invited to participate. The event was attended by over 70 women of color from high school students to elders, representing a wide variety of cultures and countries such as Bangladesh, China, Ghana, and Mexico.

There was a good deal of controversy surrounding this event, as white students on campus organized (primarily through the Student Government Association) to force the morning session of the event to no longer be open solely to women of color. In the planning of this event, there was lengthy dialogue as to whether or not the morning session should be open to all. Faculty and students of all racial and cultural backgrounds agreed that the morning session should be for women of color only, in order to provide a safe space for women of color to openly share and build with one another. This was NOT the decision of any one individual, or even of a select racial or cultural group, nor was it designed to be discriminatory or exclusionary, which is why the afternoon session was opened to all who wished to attend.

Currently, the Director of the Women's Studies Program at Northeastern, is being harassed, blamed and threatened for her part in hosting this event. Essentially, the University is saying that not acceptable in the year 2005 for women of color to gather as has happened in several other institutions for higher learning across the country, or a woman of color to assert that racism and white privilege are alive and well and affecting us all. Rather than being championed as a leader in the fight to eliminate racism and to promote world unity, the Director of Women's Studies at Northeastern University is being harassed and threatened and her comments discredited by University administration.

Please take ACTION on this issue. Please write to Northeastern University to support the actions of the Women's Studies Program. Please ask others to contact the University as well. Contact information below.

Please sign the petition to state that:


Thank you in advance for your support. Together we can transform the world one peace at a time!

Important Northeastern Contacts:

President Richard Freeland
Office of the President
Northeastern University
110 Churchill Hall
Boston, MA 02115
Tel: 617.373.2101
Fax: 617.373.5015
Email: r.freeland@neu.edu

Ahmed Abdelal, Provost
Office of the Provost and Academic Affairs
Northeastern University
112 Hayden Hall
Boston, MA 02115
Tel: 617.373.2170
Fax: 617.373.8589
E-mail: provost@neu.edu

Donnie Perkins, Dean and Director
Office of Affirmative Action and Diversity
Northeastern University
Room 424 Columbus Place
360 Huntington Ave.
Boston, MA 02115
Tel: 617.373.2133
E-mail: d.perkins@neu.edu

Dean James Stellar
College of Arts and Sciences
100 Meserve Hall
Northeastern University
360 Huntington Ave.
Boston, MA 02115
(617) 373-3980
Email: j.stellar@neu.edu

Student Government Association
332 Curry Student Center
Northeastern University
360 Huntington Ave.
Boston, MA 02115
Phone: (617) 373-2651
E-mail: sga@neu.edu

looks like i have a pretty slow workday ahead. i think i'll start writing my letter now...


mixed blessings

you ever feel really good and really bad about something simultaneously?

it's a very surreal thing.

maybe i'll elaborate later...right now i'm just sitting at my desk fighting the temptation to close my door and cry.