solstice

2013

the year of perfect nothingness.
the year of perfect emptiness.

this year, i choose to be nothing but my true, divinely connected Self.
this year, i empty myself of any over-active ego and open to Spirit.

i choose freedom.  i am free.
i choose joy. i am joyous.
i choose expansion. i am expansive.

i have everything i need to fulfill my destiny.

the singlehood chronicles #11: a progressive retrospective

this summer's venus retrograde sparked a few revelations...and thanks to a rare astrological event destined to hit pisceans especially hard, my saturn return has lasted well into my 30s.

about 3 or 3.5 years ago, someone pushed the reset button on my life.  i left my spiritual family, my relationship finally, fully died...much of what i'd been working towards for the better part of a decade slipped away.

i don't regret any of it; it all had to happen. but it was still a lot to deal with.  i spent the first year sleepwalking, getting by as best i could between the pain and the anger.

in the last 18 months or so, things finally started to bear fruit.  i achieved my dream of becoming a Reiki master, and my spiritual life blossomed in wonderfully unexpected ways.  i am grateful for my new spiritual family, and honored that i'm still welcomed by the one i left.

perhaps most improbable: i can speak to my ex again. that one snuck up on me.

so i should be ecstatic, right?

well, part of me is. 

there's more, though.

i need to create space to breathe, live, love, laugh. i need to feel, deeply.  revel in corporeal joy...eating well, spending time in nature...

and, often, i need it to happen in a way that is not driven only by me.

i know i needed to learn how to do it "alone", but i never thought it would go on this long.  gradually, people i knew got busier, kids were born, marriages and relationships happened and un-happened...and i've just been plugging away at...me.

if i needed to talk something out, it was difficult to express "single people problems" in a way that didn't seem selfish, navel-gazing, or unimportant compared with the concerns of folk who are married and/or partnered, particularly with children.  

soon i realized the comparison was the problem. why give myself problems i don't have?  of course my challenges are different--i'm simply in a different situation.  

i suppose some would see a kind of paradox in declaring i desire a partnership without making the pursuit of one my alpha and omega.  frankly, i'd rather devote my energy to creating the life i long for.

you know that whole thing about shooting for the moon, so that even if you miss, you're still among the stars?  well, if i take the best care of myself now, my love will be a welcome complement and support to a content, whole, confident and blissed-out woman.

and if "the one" doesn't show, that's still a damn good space to be in.

the radiant night queen

in recent divination, i've pulled this card more than i can remember.  Inanna's mantra in the deck is "embracing the shadow".

when i first seriously began exploring this aspect of myself, i mentioned how i gravitated to Pomba Gira, a spirit revered in brasil's umbanda tradition.

it was a sudden introduction--similar to the forceful wind that blew Ezili Danto into my life--and followed closely by a compulsion to wear some combination of red and black whenever possible. 

by now you'd think i'd be used to the endless curves in Spirit's roads. but, they can still take me by surprise.

stay with me, now...

Pomba Gira is often depicted as a roma (gypsy) woman. word has it that the roma came to europe from india.

india--particularly the south--has deep, often obscured connections to africa, as evidenced through the indus kush civilization and the cultures of the various adivasi groups. many of these people are african in appearance, and they are considered to be the indigenous people of that nation.

so when i retrace my steps, coming to understand my shadow-spirit as a devadasi* warrior queen with a river of onyx hair doesn't seem so unusual.  she is still, at her core, an afrikan woman.

she speaks:

deeply brown skinned child of an indigo-black mother, i am devoted to the temple and my people.  i know the power of the sword and of the heart. 

my aura precedes me.  i stand fully in my sensuality, empowered by my priesthood--a child of the Love Goddesses.  i carry all the mysteries of womanhood deep in my garnet womb.      

upon my throne, i am an entity beyond the control, reach, or comprehension of any man, even as i haunt their dreams.  i am dazzling in fine fabrics, jewels and radiant flesh. equally full of bawdy, ribald humor, i can blend into the seediest tavern without detection or molestation. 

i am always, fully myself.  i speak my truth. 

i respect all who approach me confident in an understanding of their full selves.  

i remain appropriately humble, but i never cower.  

the spirit of balance and reciprocity is my breath.  i fearlessly face and resolve my karma.

fear, hesitation, and unwarranted self deprecation have no place in my house. Royalty Knows Itself. 

...and she is me. 
  

*i've only skimmed (with intent to read) it so far, but this work purports to trace the historical/cultural evolution of the devadasis from their status in ancient times to the implications of their lives and work--such as it is--today. i wanted to post it for the sake of perspective.

i am speaking of all this from a spiritual perspective and, as such, i am considering the higher aspects of the tradition, the work, and its intent--as i recall them in my spirit and through Divinity. i am aware of many of the ways in which the culture and traditions of india are being exploited and warped to disenfranchise adivasi people--sometimes known as dalits, tribals, etc.--and the issues surrounding sex work there. however, that is probably all the more reason we are called to remember the older, more original truths, so that we can reclaim the ancient wisdom, heal, and renew ourselves.

evolving...

finally got the ori altar up and running, just in time for the solstice.  i still feel like it's missing something, but i'm not quite sure what.  i'm sure it will come to me.

iyalosa olaomi suggests getting up at sunrise for 8 days after constructing the space.  thankfully, sunrise at this time of year is when i'm supposed to be getting my lazy self outta bed anyway.

in any case, i got up on time and said my prayers...wrote down dreams.  i'm hoping to keep this going, despite the pre-moon ebbs and flows. 

i also have some healing tea i need to brew...

i'm gonna get clear.  by any means.

truce

i wound up speaking with him...i probably shouldn't be surprised, considering mercury's retrograde.

although it began awkwardly, the timing was actually perfect in its own way. and the ancestors held my hand through the whole thing.

it's nice to see that chapter coming to a close in such an unexpectedly peaceful way. especially when there's so much in front of me.

pushing forward...

i forgive you.

i realized this morning that i've reached the point of forgiveness.

this is big.

i wasn't specifically aiming for it, but i felt it when it happened.

at first, i just needed keep breathing. that was difficult enough some days.

then there was processing the seething anger.  i was afraid that alone would consume me.

although it doesn't excuse shit, or change what happened, or erase the boundary lines, it is so liberating to know that...i forgive.

give thanks...

manifesta

(intended as an extrapolation of the list)

hereby rejected are the notions of love and being that sponsor brokenness.

honesty and loving are supported. lovers need to be healing balms, full and whole in their personhood.

know that--immediately and sans compromise--women like us will not be depleted for the sake of misguided notions of healing.

let the broken be cared for in the appropriate spaces. they must do their work as we have done ours. we cannot stand in place of the mothers they mourn, nor can we replace the shoulders of long lost fathers.

we can only be and love as ourselves.

conversely, we do not expect whole men to nurse broken lovers. we acknowledge that they, too, are human and have limits, and that they are not the only drain on time, resources and energy in intimate adult relationships.

if we are to come together, we must come together whole. or, at minimum, be honest about our brokenness so that informed decisions can be made.

anything less causes pain, destruction, drama and heartache.

it is in this spirit that we resolve to preserve heart, mind, body and spirit, and to love fully only in spaces that are reverent and respectful of the same.

ase.

it's almost 2009...

about 5 hours left in the year...

new year's is one of my favorite nights. full of fun and skin-shedding.

new year's day almost always feels completely fresh and clean...like a new baby or pristine sheets on a new bed.

2008 has been rough in some ways and wonderful in others. overall, though, the bliss outweighs the burdens. i've learned a lot about myself, committed to my bliss, loved, traveled, and grown.

i'm gonna ring in the year pretty quietly...home cooked dinner, some champagne. maybe a little tequila. hoping for mimosas in the morning.

if you read this this evening, i hope you're happy where you are. if you're going out, hopefully you won't see it until tomorrow afternoon 'cause you had such a good time. hell, i might be out partying tomorrow or saturday night myself. never know.

see y'all next year.

peace

i greet the sun and celebrate his return...

for the first time in a looong time, i started the day with surya namaskar--the sun salutation.

i spent well over a year as a regular yogini, and i miss it. it's very, very interesting how, once attuned to it, your body doesn't forget it and will even call for it.

i have to admit: today is special. even without buying in to all the christmas gifts and "holiday cheer", there's something lovely about the vibe of the day. i suppose that all those thoughts about sweet baby jesus can't help but change the air...

whatever you do to mark the solstice and the new year, may you be blessed, enlightened, held and nurtured, and may you give those blessings freely in return.

peace, light and love,

o.

today...

i am at home.
my home.
with my chosen scents and colors, my books and my familiar.

enjoying my kitchen.
eating my food.
savoring my appetite.

i have had the day to myself.
i have slept, awakened, bathed, and prayed in ways pleasing to myself.

i am full of myself
and life
and love.

and i am happy.

goddesspace III

long-time readers will be familiar with the evolution and incarnations of the goddesspace. it started out as a sort of eclectic, crystal-centric space devoted to the divine feminine.

phase two was lovely, but short lived. i never really took to the space, and the end of summer ushered in a strange, difficult phase.

so i started again. the initial idea was great, the execution mediocre.

just as i started to birth the space, money got tight and inspiration waned. but as i've been able to give name and form to the shifts i've been experiencing over the last few weeks, the fog lifted and i could finally give the space the time and attention it deserved (i'm sure the new moon energy didn't hurt, either)...

plenty of light, color, and quartz. triangles enhance energy.

feathers...beauty, expansion, warmth; a reminder to keep the spirit light and prepared for flight.

i'm hoping that this one will last at least as long as the first, if not longer.

the power of ritual

i started in on another pity party today, and decided enough was enough.

i started looking online for techniques for releasing anger, and found this.

it's a brief, but very effective ritual. i modified it a little according to my intuition (e.g., i found it necessary to cool/clear the energy after the release), but i'm glad that i found it now that the moon is waning. it's an excellent time to remove and lift things that are no longer serving, so that i can start fresh with the new moon at the end of the month.

i feel lighter already. and i'm thankful.

...in the spirit of rebuilding

it's time to re-imagine the goddesspace.

the energy's shifted significantly. even the pothos cutting has wilted quite a bit.

this isn't unusual or distressing--it often happens when i create this sort of space. eventually i have to dismantle and clear it, then start with something new.

it's been almost a year, so it's a good sign that the prayers and intentions i've put in have done their work, and it's time to move to the next phase.

this incarnation will probably focus on clarity and vision, which means more white/clear things. completely new candles. particular arrangements of crystals. i may skip the earth elements (stones, plants) in favor of more air and ether.

maybe...

3 tealights (body, mind, spirit, triple goddess, etc.)
goddess card spreads
plenty of quartz, aquamarine, and amethyst

it's tempting to start building it now, but better to wait for the new moon.

...i can still make a trip to ikea, though!

and i still really, really want my love room...

one day.

singlehood chronicles #1

i noticed that i've avoided writing too much about myself lately--even slacking on my journaling. instead, i've been doing a lot of internal processing, trying to figure out the best way to articulate what i've been feeling...

things are good. i've been having fun, meeting interesting people. i'm also learning just how much the last few years have changed me.

i am much less wlling to give up space, time, and, most of all, myself.

i realize that i'm still able to share myself physically while not allowing many inroads to my mental state. i've heard that's one of the many pisces paradoxes that make us equally irresistible and infuriating.

it's also interesting how long i existed without the level of physical attention and affection i prefer. this has caused me to develop an almost ruthless analysis around kiss, touch, etc. exposure to an openly affectionate man--other than a family member or friend--has been both enlightening and an adjustment.

sometimes i find myself forgetting that, at my core, i am very physically affectionate. i've simply suppressed many of those tendencies since (a) my ex wasn't around much to benefit from them and (b) it takes time to figure out how other people will interpret it, so i remain reserved until i'm assured some measure of safety.

my boundaries are firm:

i am determined not to just give myself away because "he seems nice" or "we get along, so why not?" the "i do not have to diffuse my love..." mantra really worked on me.

exclusivity will be my choice in my own time and not determined by my empathy. thankfully it's become easier to not allow others' emotions to blend into my own.

falling in like/lust is fine, but loving has become something much deeper and wider for me than "falling" into it. i can't fully explain it, but when it comes around again, it will be a completely different ride.

so, that's where i am. i'll sit back and see where it takes me.

burying my savior complex

after journaling for awhile, i tried to write a letter to a dear friend of mine who happens to be very ill.

i wrote it longhand--he loves it when i write him actual letters. it was about four pages long--eight if you count the fact that i used both sides of the paper.

i looked it over.
added some things.
signed it.

reread it again.

then i ripped it up.

this sounds too much like a !@#$&*^ guilt trip with some desperate pleas thrown in, i thought. i'm begging this fool to talk to me.

it felt a little too much like what i'd tried to do with honey: make it all better. put myself up on some altar to be sacrificed for someone else's healing just because i have a little extra energy to spare.

and it's never because it makes me feel "better than" or special or anything like that. it's just because...well, that's what love is, right?

no. that's what trauma burned into my consciousness, but no, that's not really what love is.

after i ripped up the letter, i went back to journaling and asked myself, why did something i intended as a statement of love and support turn out sounding like a plea for validation?

i decided that my inner child tends towards internalizing everyone's pain; she falls into the trap of thinking it's her fault that everyone's bleeding, and she has to make it right.

*sidebar*

honeychild, just because you can see it and feel it doesn't mean you have to fix it. your vision and empathy are gifts, but they aren't always going to serve you well in love--unless it's to show you which ones to steer clear of. and you can't necessarily pass on every gift you have to others, no matter how noble your intention.

there is no time or energy to waste on folks who don't wanna be healed--whether it's because they're not ready, they're immobilzed by their own pain, they feel that they don't deserve love...whatever. it doesn't matter. not even if they're facing death. you can't change their destiny or snap their ori into shape.

*end sidebar*

it's past time to seek and find love through a woman's eyes, fully, and that means rejecting broken trinkets and embracing true partners, mates, and kindred spirits.

i recalled my latest mantra: i do not have to diffuse my love externally, however plentiful it may be, to experience balance.

that doesn't mean i wouldn't be there if he needed me, if he actually asked me to be there. i would. in a heartbeat.

it doesn't mean that i have to stop loving him. it's silly to think i could.

whatever he's decided to do, for whatever reason(s) he's decided to do it, there's nothing i can do.

he knows who i am, where i am, and how to reach me.

until then, i'll keep him in prayer...

#4: joy, peace and serenity despite circumstances

(see: the list)

well, i'm back from beautiful california.

i hardly know what day it is, and daylight savings isn't helping my jet lag at all, but i am full of gratitude and peace.

i was on a business trip at a retreat center just outside san francisco, so there was definitely work involved, but i also had time to be quiet and open myself to healing.

just before leaving, i was distraught. after the white water rapids ride my life's been the last couple of months, the last thing i wanted was to have to pack up and go to the west coast.

but when we landed and i stepped off the plane, it was green and warm with flowers everywhere...i was immediately enchanted.

the center's gardens were filled with all kinds of surprises:

a celtic cross with a mossy, impossibly green grass planted in front of it that i just had to stand on barefoot;

st. francis standing in the hollows of trees;

a buddha holding blessed blades of grass in his arms;

the perfume of hundreds of flowers--always different depending on where you were sitting or standing, sometimes dependent on the direction of the wind;

a beautiful labyrinth.

there were even sequoias--i real treat for a (rather literal) tree-hugger. i never thought i'd see one.

i attended a transcendent taize service and reconnected with a spirit guide i haven't seen since i was a child.

...and it would take forever to tell you about all the wonderful people i had the opportunity to meet. my last day there, i realized that i had learned quite a bit about how i want to operate as a priest and a woman on a spiritual path just by being in the presence of this group of deeply human, deeply committed individuals.

i knew i needed renewal, but i wasn't sure how i would get it without an expensive plane ticket and a whole lot of time (that i didn't have) off work.

god/dess is so good to me. this job has already repaid me several times over for the extra early mornings and commuting hassles. may it continue to do so.

my ori is securely aligned with my heart, hands and feet.

i can begin to breathe deeply and pray again, secure in the knowledge that i have the power to manifest the bliss i want.

my dreams are back.
my egbe is with me.
i am well on my way to happiness.

ase.

reconsiderations.

i'm at one of those points (again) where i'm realizing that i've built the last four years or so around a future i don't know that i'm going to have.

my relationship is part of that. it's to the point where i'm either going to be a free (read: erotically unattached) woman, or i'm going to have some babies and settle down. there's not much room for a compromise. i have no desire for single motherhood, nor do i want a long distance or arm's length long term relationship/marriage.

another part is the failure of massage training to come to fruition. yet another, my lack of desire and inspiration to write. this blog is a place to analyze and purge, connect and discuss with others...but i am largely stagnant creatively. there are glimmers, but not much else.

so i'm readjusting.

i don't even know what makes me happy any more.

what kind of people do i want around? what kinds of friends do i want to make?

there are so many age-appropriate demographics i don't fit into:

• i'm not married, nor is getting married the central driving force of my life. if it were, i'd probably be bending over backwards to make this thing i'm in "work" instead of wondering how to wiggle out of it every three months...
• i don't have kids and, again, it is not a central, driving force (see above).
• not interested in clubbing, particularly not as a scavenger hunt for love (see above).
• can't go back to the poetry scene--zero desire for that, and i never got over my stage fright anyway.
• i'm not an activist, and i don't know that i could be. i don't wed myself to ideas as readily as i do to people.

i suppose i didn't think about this much until my spiritual community essentially went on hiatus. we are still intact, but a domestic situation kept us away from one another, and we're just getting back into our regular routine.

in the interim, i realized how much i need different sorts and levels of community, and how much certain aspects of my life have removed me from that.

honey has never really understood that need. he's more of the activist type--he'll work with folks who share his ideas and ideals and get things done, but at the end of the day, he has no problem coming home alone. he might even prefer it.

i, on the other hand, need other people to connect to, bounce off of. i always envisioned my home as a gathering place, somewhere to enjoy good music, food, fun and friendship. and i've thrown one party in, what? six years?

my home no longer even feels amenable to groups or individual friends. it's become a "fortress of solitude", a cocoon i hide in. honey hasn't even left enough things there for me to feel like it's our fortress. what's the use in that?

this is still rolling around in my brain...a painful little nugget.

i'll revisit as i figure things out...

i know i ain't ready, but...

i wanna be in love again.

like, seriously in love with someone.
who can be there, fully
and love me
and adore me
and who i wanna adore back.

my feelings in that area are somewhat misdirected at the moment.
i'd like them to get back on track.

but how?
when?
who would i actually let in?

should i just start over with honey for what feels like the 1273840th time?

sigh

reasonable silence...

i've been more concerned with experience than words. i'm ruled by my senses...the touch, feel, taste of things.

when i'm thrust into something new, i have to feel my way through. my capabilities for speech are diminished during the adjustment period. i have only been able to write enough to achieve understanding of the reasons that i am not writing.

if that makse sense.

my exposure to him* is probably a factor as well. our experience of each other is largely one of pure sensory overload. his presence is catalytic.

among other things.

anyway, y'all have a blissful weekend.

the moon is waxing. seeds are growing.
hope you've got a bountiful harvest to celebrate once she's full.


*note to self: he needs a blog-alias...some of y'all know the full story. any suggestions?

i've got a lot to think about.

and some changes to go through. so forgive me if i don't write often...

the new job came through, so i've been giving thanks for that.

but now, all of a sudden, the current gig's got the money i should have had six months ago.

however....

i need a challenge.
i need to stretch my wings away from what i like to call the evil empire.
i need a change of scenery--even if it does come with a commute.
i need...fresh air. new faces.
i need opportunities that are gonna help me in the long run.

this deal i've been offered feels like a retrograde special--do it, and you'll regret it.

esu's already spoken, and so has my ori.

i know where i need to be, and i'm pretty certain that it ain't where i'm at.

but a little meditation & some cowrie tossin never hurt.

y'all stay beautiful.
peace.