right now, i'm a lot angrier than i'd like to be.
i don't want this space to become one long, bitter black lady rant, but...i am pissed. i need to own that.
do i want to scratch every man's eyes out? no.well, not really. i have good days and bad days.
i can say that i am far more critical and skeptical than i used to be, but maybe i need to be.
when things finally fell apart, i told myself that for as long as this anger was a part of my life, i would keep it as constructive as possible. so i'll write what wants to be written. fuck it.
that said, here are a few things that run through my mind here lately* when i hear folks say they want a relationship with a "real wo/man" or "i'm so ready to meet 'the one'":
1. know your shit. own it. fully. for example, men's daddy issues can bubble up in relationships just as easily as women's. there is nothing that says men are immune from the same need for validation, fear of abandonment, and trust issues that are often heaped on the shoulders of women.
2. if you've got a pretty good handle on #1 (therapy is your friend. remember that.), then think about why your other relationships worked--or didn't. if things were cool as long as they didn't get "too deep" or you've only stuck it out for a year or two, rushing to meet the person you'd like to spend the next 10, 30, or even 5 years with might be a bit of a stretch. slow up.
3. emotionally, you cannot "fake it til you make it". you simply cannot. don't try. it is unfair and unreasonable for you to dig in and hold on once you've realized you are clearly out of your league. yes, i understand that you love him/her, but good feelings and good intentions are not enough. you may need to be an adult about it and let go--and by "let go" i mean have a real conversation with your partner about what's going on. you don't sneak off in the middle of the night. you don't sabotage. you don't throw a tantrum. just be honest, be real, and handle your business.
4. if you're truly in love and determined to hang in there, you're going to have to listen and you're going to have to work--particularly if you know you're dealing with someone who has less baggage than you do. if it takes too long for you to work through all that stuff you've owned and s/he gets tired (keep in mind your author is over 30 and her bullshit tolerance is at an all-time low), you may just have to deal with that. relationships are emotional risks, and no one knows how they're going to turn out. if you are unwilling or unable to take that risk, see #3.
just another $.02 from lil ol me...
*not a typo. i'm southern. sue me.