this summer's venus retrograde sparked a few revelations...and thanks to a rare astrological event destined to hit pisceans especially hard, my saturn return has lasted well into my 30s.
about 3 or 3.5 years ago, someone pushed the reset button on my life. i left my spiritual family, my relationship finally, fully died...much of what i'd been working towards for the better part of a decade slipped away.
i don't regret any of it; it all had to happen. but it was still a lot to deal with. i spent the first year sleepwalking, getting by as best i could between the pain and the anger.
in the last 18 months or so, things finally started to bear fruit. i achieved my dream of becoming a Reiki master, and my spiritual life blossomed in wonderfully unexpected ways. i am grateful for my new spiritual family, and honored that i'm still welcomed by the one i left.
perhaps most improbable: i can speak to my ex again. that one snuck up on me.
so i should be ecstatic, right?
well, part of me is.
there's more, though.
i need to create space to breathe, live, love, laugh. i need to feel, deeply. revel in corporeal joy...eating well, spending time in nature...
and, often, i need it to happen in a way that is not driven only by me.
i know i needed to learn how to do it "alone", but i never thought it would go on this long. gradually, people i knew got busier, kids were born, marriages and relationships happened and un-happened...and i've just been plugging away at...me.
if i needed to talk something out, it was difficult to express "single people problems" in a way that didn't seem selfish, navel-gazing, or unimportant compared with the concerns of folk who are married and/or partnered, particularly with children.
soon i realized the comparison was the problem. why give myself problems i don't have? of course my challenges are different--i'm simply in a different situation.
i suppose some would see a kind of paradox in declaring i desire a partnership without making the pursuit of one my alpha and omega. frankly, i'd rather devote my energy to creating the life i long for.
you know that whole thing about shooting for the moon, so that even if you miss, you're still among the stars? well, if i take the best care of myself now, my love will be a welcome complement and support to a content, whole, confident and blissed-out woman.
and if "the one" doesn't show, that's still a damn good space to be in.
Showing posts with label self-love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-love. Show all posts
8.19.2012
the singlehood chronicles #10: 2 years later
i fit "the demographic": never married, over-30 Black woman.
the kicker: no kids.
trust me, i am not about to delve into the sickening, desperate/despondent, wedded-to-an-endangered-species trope which, in my opinion, is a distorted, hastily drawn conclusion about a complex issue.
still, my reality puts me in a distinct position even in my closest circles. i am slowly becoming The Only One, especially when it comes to motherhood.
for now, i don't have the cold hard cash to ball my way through my blues. the velvet glove on that iron fist would be much thicker if i did. and although i'm still rather ambivalent about mothering and do not long for a child, several dynamics shift when the worlds of others revolve around babies and yours still revolves around...well, you.
what's frightening is that love and loving has never felt as difficult or elusive as it does now. i cannot remember a time when i've been this deeply, absolutely single. for most of my life i've been involved in some kind of love relationship--not because someone told me i "had" to, or even because i sought them out. they felt right for their time and were easy to find. i took breaks at will, and it was easy to pick it back up.
true, i've been focused on several other things over the last 3-4 years, and i definitely consider myself blessed. i'm enormously proud of what i've achieved, and i love my friends and the people in my life. i'm grateful to have the support of my birth and chosen families.
but the clouds creep in more often now, and they're a little more articulate than usual.
i'm human.
i'm a woman.
a woman who has loved and been loved deeply and well.
i can't unlearn that love, or forget it. no matter how many days i "wish" i could, i know i wouldn't trade those experiences for the world.
but for now, it makes sense to commit to living for myself, and living well. my hope is to create a life that will allow me to care for myself and realize my dreams--whether there's someone to share it with or not.
i remain open to love, family and the rest, but i've gotten beyond mourning the lack of it.
clearly i'm meant for something outside the "usual" configuration.
time to go out and discover what that something is.
{for the other "singlehood" posts, click here.}
the kicker: no kids.
trust me, i am not about to delve into the sickening, desperate/despondent, wedded-to-an-endangered-species trope which, in my opinion, is a distorted, hastily drawn conclusion about a complex issue.
still, my reality puts me in a distinct position even in my closest circles. i am slowly becoming The Only One, especially when it comes to motherhood.
for now, i don't have the cold hard cash to ball my way through my blues. the velvet glove on that iron fist would be much thicker if i did. and although i'm still rather ambivalent about mothering and do not long for a child, several dynamics shift when the worlds of others revolve around babies and yours still revolves around...well, you.
what's frightening is that love and loving has never felt as difficult or elusive as it does now. i cannot remember a time when i've been this deeply, absolutely single. for most of my life i've been involved in some kind of love relationship--not because someone told me i "had" to, or even because i sought them out. they felt right for their time and were easy to find. i took breaks at will, and it was easy to pick it back up.
true, i've been focused on several other things over the last 3-4 years, and i definitely consider myself blessed. i'm enormously proud of what i've achieved, and i love my friends and the people in my life. i'm grateful to have the support of my birth and chosen families.
but the clouds creep in more often now, and they're a little more articulate than usual.
i'm human.
i'm a woman.
a woman who has loved and been loved deeply and well.
i can't unlearn that love, or forget it. no matter how many days i "wish" i could, i know i wouldn't trade those experiences for the world.
but for now, it makes sense to commit to living for myself, and living well. my hope is to create a life that will allow me to care for myself and realize my dreams--whether there's someone to share it with or not.
i remain open to love, family and the rest, but i've gotten beyond mourning the lack of it.
clearly i'm meant for something outside the "usual" configuration.
time to go out and discover what that something is.
{for the other "singlehood" posts, click here.}
1.06.2012
energetic self care
one of the things i've learned over the years is that once you're involved in spiritual community--any community, really--you wind up praying for folks quite a bit. there's always a situation or three brewing that require a little extra oomph to push them along.
in the midst of this, it can be easy to forget to pray for yourself--in the same ways that being overworked or over-committed in the wider world can cause you to forget to eat.
yes, moving energy for the benefit of others holds innumerable rewards. i firmly believe that all the blessings you send come right back to you. still, it's vitally important for all of us who carry the asé of healers, priests, spiritual vessels, etc, to maintain rituals of self care so we can continue to work effectively for others.
many of us can relate to stories of elders and mentors who have literally given until it hurt. there can be a fine line between selfless devotion and full-on burnout, and several of us walk it.
while i was in massage school, we were frequently told about bodyworkers who only worked for five years or so because poor body mechanics can lead to carpal tunnel, broken bones, or worse.
both bodywork and psychology taught me about the issues surrounding transference, outlining the need to balance deep compassion and healing with the realities of power dynamics and human emotion.
for me, the message was clear: if you're devoted to assisting others in some way, you must also become intimately familiar with your own level of and issues around self care.
the depletion can be very subtle at first, and is often missed. sometimes it's a twinge of fatigue, or a sense that things are slipping through your hands instead of gathering to you. you might become forgetful, unfocused, clumsy.
if you can't pin down a specific reason for these changes, find a moment to stop and be still. take a few deep breaths.
as you're breathing, what do you feel? is the fatigue or sense of being "dull" concentrated anywhere in your body? if you're an energy worker, scan your physical and energetic bodies. what energy centers need attention?
once you've identified the "holes", use your intuition to "plug" them. there are many ways to do this; choose the method(s) that speak to you:
may you be well and stay well...and may the care you give to others always be an extension of the love you offer yourself. asé.
in the midst of this, it can be easy to forget to pray for yourself--in the same ways that being overworked or over-committed in the wider world can cause you to forget to eat.
yes, moving energy for the benefit of others holds innumerable rewards. i firmly believe that all the blessings you send come right back to you. still, it's vitally important for all of us who carry the asé of healers, priests, spiritual vessels, etc, to maintain rituals of self care so we can continue to work effectively for others.
many of us can relate to stories of elders and mentors who have literally given until it hurt. there can be a fine line between selfless devotion and full-on burnout, and several of us walk it.
while i was in massage school, we were frequently told about bodyworkers who only worked for five years or so because poor body mechanics can lead to carpal tunnel, broken bones, or worse.
both bodywork and psychology taught me about the issues surrounding transference, outlining the need to balance deep compassion and healing with the realities of power dynamics and human emotion.
for me, the message was clear: if you're devoted to assisting others in some way, you must also become intimately familiar with your own level of and issues around self care.
the depletion can be very subtle at first, and is often missed. sometimes it's a twinge of fatigue, or a sense that things are slipping through your hands instead of gathering to you. you might become forgetful, unfocused, clumsy.
if you can't pin down a specific reason for these changes, find a moment to stop and be still. take a few deep breaths.
as you're breathing, what do you feel? is the fatigue or sense of being "dull" concentrated anywhere in your body? if you're an energy worker, scan your physical and energetic bodies. what energy centers need attention?
once you've identified the "holes", use your intuition to "plug" them. there are many ways to do this; choose the method(s) that speak to you:
- anoint yourself with a protective or cleansing oil/perfume. a frankincense & myrrh blend is good for just about anything.
- carry protective gemstones - either as jewelry or loose stones (e.g., tiger's eye, hematite, tibetan quartz, rose quartz).
- cleanse, re-empower or bless consecrated jewelry/talismans and wear them.
- pray. many scriptures speak of protection and the Divine's role as a shield.
you could also say something like: i ask that any personal energy that is NOT being used to fulfill my highest destiny or serve my greatest good be purified and returned to me, so i may use it to... [state your goals/intent or the healing you need. close your prayer in your usual fashion.] - meditate. focus on the places that feel compromised. affirm and strengthen those centers with the appropriate sounds, colors, or mantras/chants.
may you be well and stay well...and may the care you give to others always be an extension of the love you offer yourself. asé.
12.27.2011
boundaries!
my first video blog: a little something on good boundaries and how they keep us on track.
4.11.2011
nonsense & tomfoolery
this is bullshit.
and so is this.
sigh.
where to begin...
first and foremost, who decided that men were mindlessly lustful, emotionally childish creatures who never get out from under their mamas and can't think beyond the next piece of ass? some of you brothas need to be just as insulted by this as many of us are.
the only thing i could agree with was around 1:30 when shantel mentioned knowing yourself before you try to get involved with someone else. apparently she knows that she's willing to tolerate that kind of thing--or at least excuse it's happening to others--and that's her right.
however, (to truncate my earlier twitter rant) in my world, commitments come down to character. plain and simple. if you don't want a commitment, don't make one. and if someone breaks a commitment they make to you? you have every right to be hurt, angry, and walk the hell on out. period.
and the random "we got monogamy from whitefolks" argument? no. i am all for poly relationships based on a spirit of mutual trust, understanding and respect. if you want to bring other folks in, and everybody's informed and consenting, more power.
but, please, let's stop making excuses for bad behavior.
and, tyrese. you're gonna tell your daughter not to "own the cheat" (agreed), but at the same time, dude can't help but to run out on her? mixed messages, darlin. really mixed. then he almost recovers by bringing up the madonna-whore double standard, but jacks it right back up by basically saying madonnas should get used to being shitted on.*
these excuses, mixed messages, and generalized poppycock is part of what continues to disempower sistas, keeping them depressed, abused, dying of broken hearts and all manner of other maladies. these are the scripts that make it that much easier to cave to a partner unwilling to use protection; to stay in situations where we are not loved as we love, nor cherished as we cherish. this is what happens when you "love your sons and raise your daughters".
we need to deal with our denial--around our general mental and spiritual health, and the ways dysfunctional standards, upbringings, and ways of being have been normalized.**
i implore you, yet again, to educate yourselves in the machinations of TKON.
want more. be more.
choose to love fully, with eyes, ears, hearts, and spirits open....with the highest and best parts of yourself.
we can let this shit go. more than that, we need to let it go.
in my humble opinion, it's beyond time for a new paradigm.
*also note that this clip is about the only time in life i've ever wanted to hug wendy williams. it's unlikely to happen again, so i wanted to mark this historic moment.
**for more eloquent statements on these issues, i highly recommend browsing the crunk feminist collective and/or quirky black girls.
and so is this.
sigh.
where to begin...
first and foremost, who decided that men were mindlessly lustful, emotionally childish creatures who never get out from under their mamas and can't think beyond the next piece of ass? some of you brothas need to be just as insulted by this as many of us are.
the only thing i could agree with was around 1:30 when shantel mentioned knowing yourself before you try to get involved with someone else. apparently she knows that she's willing to tolerate that kind of thing--or at least excuse it's happening to others--and that's her right.
however, (to truncate my earlier twitter rant) in my world, commitments come down to character. plain and simple. if you don't want a commitment, don't make one. and if someone breaks a commitment they make to you? you have every right to be hurt, angry, and walk the hell on out. period.
and the random "we got monogamy from whitefolks" argument? no. i am all for poly relationships based on a spirit of mutual trust, understanding and respect. if you want to bring other folks in, and everybody's informed and consenting, more power.
but, please, let's stop making excuses for bad behavior.
and, tyrese. you're gonna tell your daughter not to "own the cheat" (agreed), but at the same time, dude can't help but to run out on her? mixed messages, darlin. really mixed. then he almost recovers by bringing up the madonna-whore double standard, but jacks it right back up by basically saying madonnas should get used to being shitted on.*
these excuses, mixed messages, and generalized poppycock is part of what continues to disempower sistas, keeping them depressed, abused, dying of broken hearts and all manner of other maladies. these are the scripts that make it that much easier to cave to a partner unwilling to use protection; to stay in situations where we are not loved as we love, nor cherished as we cherish. this is what happens when you "love your sons and raise your daughters".
we need to deal with our denial--around our general mental and spiritual health, and the ways dysfunctional standards, upbringings, and ways of being have been normalized.**
i implore you, yet again, to educate yourselves in the machinations of TKON.
want more. be more.
choose to love fully, with eyes, ears, hearts, and spirits open....with the highest and best parts of yourself.
we can let this shit go. more than that, we need to let it go.
in my humble opinion, it's beyond time for a new paradigm.
*also note that this clip is about the only time in life i've ever wanted to hug wendy williams. it's unlikely to happen again, so i wanted to mark this historic moment.
**for more eloquent statements on these issues, i highly recommend browsing the crunk feminist collective and/or quirky black girls.
1.23.2011
shadows, part 2
the queen of swords is another part of my darkness.*
although i don't like that this description harps on the negative, this is very true:
but i keep a shining, well-sharpened machete handy...and always will.
*in my light, i am the empress and the high priestess.
although i don't like that this description harps on the negative, this is very true:
Personality is cautious and clever. Can be cunning, destructive and manipulative. She is often aloof and distant. She keeps her distance and puts up barriers around herself. She displays an air of unemotional responses... Beneath her facade she hides much previous emotional pain and/or hardship. She has learnt how to survive. She is a woman alone. She is either a widow, divorced, a spinster or without a loving partner. She may have spent a long time on her own and keeps up her defences and her sword drawn to protect her at all times. She has a fondness for red roses...i am grateful that i've learned more about her higher aspects than her lower ones. when i've been hurt, my empathy is the water to my initial fiery flare. i've been blessed with a foundation of love...and that keeps me balanced, too.
She feels more in control if she can avoid having too deep feelings for anyone, lest they puncture her heart and give her reason to despair. She can become big hearted if in the right company and circumstances and when she feels safe and secure. There is hope for her and she is wise enough to know it. She is symbolic of the rose, seductive and potentially dangerous, capable of cutting the skin and making it bleed, yet the soft velvety petals can blossom into the most beautiful arrangement and captivate your heart. She is wistful and reflective, serious yet sensuous, yet always alert. She is capable of being the Goddess or the crucifier.
but i keep a shining, well-sharpened machete handy...and always will.
*in my light, i am the empress and the high priestess.
2.15.2010
i tried...
i tried
so many days
so many nights
through so many tears
to say just this...
but when my patience meets self preservation, it's hard to hold on.
so many days
so many nights
through so many tears
to say just this...
but when my patience meets self preservation, it's hard to hold on.
4.02.2009
depletion
i felt that i should list sorely missed things that i have ceased or nearly ceased to do for myself, whether the cessation was due to money, time, stress or plain forgetfulness.
hopefully this will help to hold me accountable and snap me back into compliance. within reason, anyway.
- yoga
- full self-rubdowns with shea butter
- exfoliating showers (all you need is cornmeal, honey and a little water. make a paste with the cornmeal and honey. add water until it's spreadable. use as a scrub. you're welcome)*
- self-induced g-spot 'gasms
- splurges on jewelry/music/clothing/shoes
- lingerie for no particular reason
- more to come...
*forgot to shout out my girl dopegirlfresh for the ill homemade scrub formula.
3.19.2009
back to birthing
had visions of butterflies this morning...
i'm also thinking of this entry and how it still holds true.
i'm in the midst of another birthing process, both internally and externally.
i feel good.
and i'm grateful.
iba yeye mi
iba baba mi
iba olodumare olojo oni
iba orisa
iba egungun idile mi
iba egbe mi
iba elders, teachers, mentors, spirit guides
ase o
i'm also thinking of this entry and how it still holds true.
i'm in the midst of another birthing process, both internally and externally.
i feel good.
and i'm grateful.
iba yeye mi
iba baba mi
iba olodumare olojo oni
iba orisa
iba egungun idile mi
iba egbe mi
iba elders, teachers, mentors, spirit guides
ase o
1.23.2009
self love #6
dark goddess
i liked the way i looked in a particular light, plus my hair was a little wild, so i took some shots without the flash...interestingly enough, they came out with all this red tint.
i liked the way i looked in a particular light, plus my hair was a little wild, so i took some shots without the flash...interestingly enough, they came out with all this red tint.
12.24.2008
today...
i am at home.
my home.
with my chosen scents and colors, my books and my familiar.
enjoying my kitchen.
eating my food.
savoring my appetite.
i have had the day to myself.
i have slept, awakened, bathed, and prayed in ways pleasing to myself.
i am full of myself
and life
and love.
and i am happy.
my home.
with my chosen scents and colors, my books and my familiar.
enjoying my kitchen.
eating my food.
savoring my appetite.
i have had the day to myself.
i have slept, awakened, bathed, and prayed in ways pleasing to myself.
i am full of myself
and life
and love.
and i am happy.
11.30.2008
self love #5
typically the "self love" posts are more about imagery than words, but inspiration led me to take some good but "too hot for blogger" shots, so i won't be going there.
but i can say that i gained a new appreciation for the ridges and ripples my lovers enjoy.
i got a view of my tummy that made me want to kiss it.
i learned that maybe i shouldn't be so critical of the slope of my breasts; they look very different from outside angles.
my thighs aren't as fat as i think they are.
twisted and turned a certain way, i am full of mountains, valleys, hills and waterfalls.
one shot put me in mind of a melting golden candle.
so, yeah. it's good to be me.
but i can say that i gained a new appreciation for the ridges and ripples my lovers enjoy.
i got a view of my tummy that made me want to kiss it.
i learned that maybe i shouldn't be so critical of the slope of my breasts; they look very different from outside angles.
my thighs aren't as fat as i think they are.
twisted and turned a certain way, i am full of mountains, valleys, hills and waterfalls.
one shot put me in mind of a melting golden candle.
so, yeah. it's good to be me.
8.27.2008
womb wonder
ladies, ladies, ladies.
can we talk?
if you have never allowed your sweet spot to do your thinking for you*, i invite you to try.
since i performed the anger ritual, renewed my bathing practices**, and listened for Her whispers, i've been feeling lighter and freer each day.
this morning, i woke up feeling delicious.
i worked most of my day barefoot and listening to great music.
i had fun singing at the top of my lungs in bumper to bumper traffic.
i came home, greedily ate my fill and topped it off with a candy bar because i felt like it.
i'm glowy and loving and free spirited today...
all because i remembered that i am a microcosm of the goddess.
i have a lovely, healthy, radiant kitty (i'm SO not talking about my cat...) that adores me.
i am honored by the visions and dreams that come when i listen to her.
all hail the gateway to life...
*if you are out of touch with your womb/clitoris/sexual energy, try connecting to some online information like this, books like the clitoral truth, or a gynocentric sex shop like babeland. and, if necessary, don't be afraid of support groups and individual therapy.
**iba yemonja. so often, my healing comes from water. i could never have felt this wonderful without her healing waters. adupe o for washing my feet and accepting my offerings. olugbe-rere ko, olugbe-rere ko, olugbe-rere ko. gbe rere ko ni olu-gbe-rere. ase.
maferefun oshun, latojoku awede we mo. my mother, my heart, the source of all my bliss. i give thanks and i honor you, always. ore yeye o! ase.
can we talk?
if you have never allowed your sweet spot to do your thinking for you*, i invite you to try.
since i performed the anger ritual, renewed my bathing practices**, and listened for Her whispers, i've been feeling lighter and freer each day.
this morning, i woke up feeling delicious.
i worked most of my day barefoot and listening to great music.
i had fun singing at the top of my lungs in bumper to bumper traffic.
i came home, greedily ate my fill and topped it off with a candy bar because i felt like it.
i'm glowy and loving and free spirited today...
all because i remembered that i am a microcosm of the goddess.
i have a lovely, healthy, radiant kitty (i'm SO not talking about my cat...) that adores me.
i am honored by the visions and dreams that come when i listen to her.
all hail the gateway to life...
*if you are out of touch with your womb/clitoris/sexual energy, try connecting to some online information like this, books like the clitoral truth, or a gynocentric sex shop like babeland. and, if necessary, don't be afraid of support groups and individual therapy.
**iba yemonja. so often, my healing comes from water. i could never have felt this wonderful without her healing waters. adupe o for washing my feet and accepting my offerings. olugbe-rere ko, olugbe-rere ko, olugbe-rere ko. gbe rere ko ni olu-gbe-rere. ase.
maferefun oshun, latojoku awede we mo. my mother, my heart, the source of all my bliss. i give thanks and i honor you, always. ore yeye o! ase.
5.03.2008
mirror, mirror
last night i decided to appreciate myself a bit. i took a warm bath, did a full shea butter moisturizing routine, and took a look at myself.
it's one thing to have lovers tell you what makes you lovely...it's another to take in those aspects of you for yourself and see if you agree...
honey used mention that i was heart-shaped. i realized i am. my hips and pelvic mound form a sort of double heart.
the bottom i've lamented losing doesn't look bad when i'm on my hands and knees, even if it's not as bootylicious as it once was.
my breasts aren't as full as they were, but still pretty in their teardrop way. i've always thought they were shaped a little strangely, but i'm appreciative of them just the same.
i enjoy the color of my skin
my body art
the shape of my thighs
the elegance of my hands...
i suppose i can understand why i've caused one or two folk to fall for me over the years.
giggle
4.06.2008
seeds for the new moon...
as i was writing a wishlist for some collective new moon work, i started thinking about love.
i know that my loving has always been bound to energy; it's a kind of psychic play. spiritual gymnastics.
i don't worry over being alone, i just want someone to bounce some energy off of. the dance of getting to know a partner, navigate needs and desires, enjoying one another physically and emotionally--it all utilizes spiritual skills that i have learned to curb or suppress in other aspects of life.
when i was younger, this served me well. it introduced me to men who were markedly different from me, and i learned a lot about myself and about life.
i learned long ago that most people aren't as agile as i am. when real life sets in, my tumbling routine can end abruptly, knocking someone on their ass. now that i'm transitioning out of my last relationship, i can see just how my love logic has overstayed its welcome.
i need my lover/mate to truly and deeply enhance my life and compliment the self i'm cultivating. there are plenty of easy access karmic and psychic playmates running around out there--some of whom i could love profoundly and for years at a time--but i need to uncover my deep, authentic self. until i can see and celebrate her, my true partner will remain elusive.
i've often felt like i can only love myself so much before i run out of ideas. but if i'm going to love and be loved in a way that will truly fulfill me and who i'm becoming, i'll have to get creative.
my spiritual skills need and deserve outlets that involve my full self, not just socially acceptable scraps and remnants.
i do not have to diffuse my love externally, however plentiful it may be, to experience balance.
i know that my loving has always been bound to energy; it's a kind of psychic play. spiritual gymnastics.
i don't worry over being alone, i just want someone to bounce some energy off of. the dance of getting to know a partner, navigate needs and desires, enjoying one another physically and emotionally--it all utilizes spiritual skills that i have learned to curb or suppress in other aspects of life.
when i was younger, this served me well. it introduced me to men who were markedly different from me, and i learned a lot about myself and about life.
i learned long ago that most people aren't as agile as i am. when real life sets in, my tumbling routine can end abruptly, knocking someone on their ass. now that i'm transitioning out of my last relationship, i can see just how my love logic has overstayed its welcome.
i need my lover/mate to truly and deeply enhance my life and compliment the self i'm cultivating. there are plenty of easy access karmic and psychic playmates running around out there--some of whom i could love profoundly and for years at a time--but i need to uncover my deep, authentic self. until i can see and celebrate her, my true partner will remain elusive.
i've often felt like i can only love myself so much before i run out of ideas. but if i'm going to love and be loved in a way that will truly fulfill me and who i'm becoming, i'll have to get creative.
my spiritual skills need and deserve outlets that involve my full self, not just socially acceptable scraps and remnants.
i do not have to diffuse my love externally, however plentiful it may be, to experience balance.
3.29.2008
longing, part 2
i was in a peculiar place when i spit out last night's blog, but i wanted to document it. i'm into my contradictions right now.
however, i'd like to set the record straight: despite my bitching and moaning, i know how to do all of those things, and have accomplished most of them several times over.
for instance, this morning i was reminded that i do know i'm beautiful.
not that i'll be on anyone's magazine cover any time soon--you have no idea how difficult it is for me to take a picture i like--and i'd probably fail a screen test.
but i can turn heads when i want to.
i use what i've got. well.
part of my recovery seems to involve consciously falling back in love with myself.
it's a good feeling. i turn myself on. i lovingly acknowledge my curves and delightfully imperfect perfections whenever i pass my mirror(s) naked. i dig that about myself. it's a key element in my ability to attract adoring, attentive lovers.
still, when i'm in relationship, the glow gets reserved for very specific moments and situations. otherwise, the vibes i emit from sharing my ecstasy and joy pull all kinds of extraneous folk into my orbit. it becomes too much to think about at once; i fall in love with one and want to be in love with all.
i wrap myself in insulation when i'm playing monogamist. conversely, my aura fairly hums when i'm freely sampling the dessert tray.
ultimately it will be interesting to experiment with polishing my shine while acknowledging how it's changed. i'm older, wiser, and have a harder shell to crack.
what kinds of delights will come knocking on my door?
however, i'd like to set the record straight: despite my bitching and moaning, i know how to do all of those things, and have accomplished most of them several times over.
for instance, this morning i was reminded that i do know i'm beautiful.
not that i'll be on anyone's magazine cover any time soon--you have no idea how difficult it is for me to take a picture i like--and i'd probably fail a screen test.
but i can turn heads when i want to.
i use what i've got. well.
part of my recovery seems to involve consciously falling back in love with myself.
it's a good feeling. i turn myself on. i lovingly acknowledge my curves and delightfully imperfect perfections whenever i pass my mirror(s) naked. i dig that about myself. it's a key element in my ability to attract adoring, attentive lovers.
still, when i'm in relationship, the glow gets reserved for very specific moments and situations. otherwise, the vibes i emit from sharing my ecstasy and joy pull all kinds of extraneous folk into my orbit. it becomes too much to think about at once; i fall in love with one and want to be in love with all.
i wrap myself in insulation when i'm playing monogamist. conversely, my aura fairly hums when i'm freely sampling the dessert tray.
ultimately it will be interesting to experiment with polishing my shine while acknowledging how it's changed. i'm older, wiser, and have a harder shell to crack.
what kinds of delights will come knocking on my door?
2.17.2008
fish out of water
preparing to fast forces introspection.
now that i've done it a few times, no matter how long it's been, the very intent to purge and renew--particularly when i'm long overdue for it--pushes me to focus in surprising ways.
case in point: the house has been a mess for weeks. work had me in and out of town all through january, and i simply had neither the will nor the way to get myself or my space together--some shrine maintenancce notwithstanding. i'm sure that the miscarriage (which still feels unreal...) had something to do with that as well.
in any case, i finally picked up my bedroom last night, changed the linens, etc. i still need to remove the random books from the side of the bed.
but once the space was clear, i felt the need to do a few things.
a full moon will arrive towards the end of my cleansing. my intention is to renew the practice of burning obstacles on the full moon and giving thanks/filling space on the new moon. this serves to fine tune and clear my ori, putting me in a better position to work with my traditional shrines and maintain an overall sense of well-being.
in preparation, i wrote out my stumbling blocks and put a couple of prayers on the back of the paper. i left the list on the goddesspace with guadalupe, covered in stones (quartz, moonstone, aquamarine).
working with the goddess cards was another enriching exercise. some ancestor must have been a card reader, because i have fallen in love with them and my tarot deck...i am so glad my intuition led me to begin that learning. but i digress.
the response to my first question, what do i need to know about my womb?, wasn't surprising. selfhood--personified by artemis--is the ultimate goal. i need to renew and rediscover myself. find out who i really am now, and what she wants.
duuuuhhh....
consequently, i've also been feeling very protective/insular about sex. rarely am i so protective when i'm functioning in relationship...or maybe i'm more removed from that than i realize? skimming through sacred woman, queen afua's words resonated: "if the womb has been damaged in any way, a woman's level of creativity and inspiration, stability, success in relationships and fertility levels is potentially impaired."
i am wounded. i require healing. i'm owning that.
responsibility also showed up. i wrote:
now that i've done it a few times, no matter how long it's been, the very intent to purge and renew--particularly when i'm long overdue for it--pushes me to focus in surprising ways.
case in point: the house has been a mess for weeks. work had me in and out of town all through january, and i simply had neither the will nor the way to get myself or my space together--some shrine maintenancce notwithstanding. i'm sure that the miscarriage (which still feels unreal...) had something to do with that as well.
in any case, i finally picked up my bedroom last night, changed the linens, etc. i still need to remove the random books from the side of the bed.
but once the space was clear, i felt the need to do a few things.
a full moon will arrive towards the end of my cleansing. my intention is to renew the practice of burning obstacles on the full moon and giving thanks/filling space on the new moon. this serves to fine tune and clear my ori, putting me in a better position to work with my traditional shrines and maintain an overall sense of well-being.
in preparation, i wrote out my stumbling blocks and put a couple of prayers on the back of the paper. i left the list on the goddesspace with guadalupe, covered in stones (quartz, moonstone, aquamarine).
working with the goddess cards was another enriching exercise. some ancestor must have been a card reader, because i have fallen in love with them and my tarot deck...i am so glad my intuition led me to begin that learning. but i digress.
the response to my first question, what do i need to know about my womb?, wasn't surprising. selfhood--personified by artemis--is the ultimate goal. i need to renew and rediscover myself. find out who i really am now, and what she wants.
duuuuhhh....
consequently, i've also been feeling very protective/insular about sex. rarely am i so protective when i'm functioning in relationship...or maybe i'm more removed from that than i realize? skimming through sacred woman, queen afua's words resonated: "if the womb has been damaged in any way, a woman's level of creativity and inspiration, stability, success in relationships and fertility levels is potentially impaired."
i am wounded. i require healing. i'm owning that.
responsibility also showed up. i wrote:
i do accept responsibility. i have lingered on distractions too long, dealt with some of the wrong foods, etc. i have not given my body [or spirit, for that matter...] the appropriate breaks. i have not honored the wild, free parts of me. i have lost my way.
next, i asked, what are the signs of healing? the answer: justice (ma'at) for my wild/wise woman, creativity, and assertion and fullfillment of my sexual/sensual needs. i need to feel, be surrounded in sensation; i need to be inspired--things i've been saying for months.
i need to have a temper tantrum, then examine what gets tossed around. figure out what's broken for good and what can stay.
i know my relationship with honey isn't going to give me that in the megadoses i need. i don't know how honey will hold up through all of this, but i'm trying not to worry over that. i will never be satisfied if i keep falling into the trap of trying to scour his depths and mine simultaneously--at least when i'm not well.
my usual partner in these matters, cosmo, is too wrapped up in his own healing/reorientation and unavailable to me. and if he were available, i'm not sure i would want to deal with the fallout of wrapping myself around him.
this journey is a solitary one. i can deal with that, but it's not what i'm used to, particularly when i'm already feeling like i've lost community in so many ways.
to be continued. as always.
...keep reading the list...
2.07.2008
the list
(in no particular order)
1. find outlets for expression.
2. balance.
3. physical/emotional/spiritual health, comfort, and strength.
4. joy, peace and serenity despite circumstances.
5. clarity in relationships.
6. formulate life purpose and dreams.
7. creativity --what do i need to flourish? make time? focus? find community?
8. stop compartmentalizing. find ways to be whole and express wholeness.
9. discover deep eroticism.
10. cry when i need to for as long and as hard as i need to. let go. don't suppress discomfort or pain. be vulnerable with yourself if no one else.
11. if prayer seems ineffective or difficult, go within. meditate.
12. exercise. dance. move your body.
13. rest fully and deeply.
14. create, manifest, foster and expect bliss.
1. find outlets for expression.
2. balance.
3. physical/emotional/spiritual health, comfort, and strength.
4. joy, peace and serenity despite circumstances.
5. clarity in relationships.
6. formulate life purpose and dreams.
7. creativity --what do i need to flourish? make time? focus? find community?
8. stop compartmentalizing. find ways to be whole and express wholeness.
9. discover deep eroticism.
10. cry when i need to for as long and as hard as i need to. let go. don't suppress discomfort or pain. be vulnerable with yourself if no one else.
11. if prayer seems ineffective or difficult, go within. meditate.
12. exercise. dance. move your body.
13. rest fully and deeply.
14. create, manifest, foster and expect bliss.
1.26.2008
psyched out
originally written/posted on jan. 4
i'm always walking a tightrope between two selves.
this fragmentation is what causes stops and starts in my rhythms.
it silences my prayers and my words.
one self operates from 9-5.
the other works in my real life. 6pm and beyond.
the one that wanders through dreams.
centuries ago i probably would have known many more women--surrogate mothers, sisters, friends. servant of the goddess, insulated by the temples, praised and protected for my sensitivities and ability to cross between worlds.
these days, those same proclivities are generally considered to be somewhere between insanity and naivete; modes and methods once essential to serving the divine and comprehending life reduced to vague dreamscapes or fleeting memories.
not many folks remember how to cultivate or harness them. myself included.
i am trying to--destined to, even--relearn.
still.
i'd be a basket case if i allowed myself to be myself 24/7.
my too-small house would stay full of stray animals and humans in varying states of homelessness. anyone who came to my door would be, at a minimum, fed.
against everyone's advice, i'd probably adopt a dozen foster children and teach them all how to read, sing, and dance as if their lives depended on it.
i'd kiss the sunlight back into any decent-looking man with sad eyes and hardened hands who crossed my path.
my heart would break. daily. maybe hourly.
i'd weep at the state of the world on cue.
(to the point of buying stock in kleenex...)
feel the pain of a thousand children in a breeze. and run to hold them.
the full power of my sensuality would be equally attractive and repulsive. i'd probably be a woman with many more lovers, but infinitely lonely as well.
i might bear several more children than i "ought" to--husband or no--unable to fathom why i should cease participating in the cycle of life as frequently and abundantly as god(dess) allowed, convinced the earth under my feet would provide everything we needed.
i sometimes wonder if i'll ever be strong enough to live that way. even figuratively.
for now, i'm grateful that i've learned how to survive. i do not live in fear of losing my mind like so many of my brothers and sisters on the street.
no one told them it was ok to be that way, that it was more natural than what they'd been taught was "normal".
some were berated and abused for being themselves. others were ignored, left with no mirror to reflect their lights back to them.
still others simply could not bear the weight of this world: the restless, forgotten, havoc-wreaking spirits; the lack of order and symmetry; the faces of those who have forgotten what love looks like.
it ain't easy.
i'm always walking a tightrope between two selves.
this fragmentation is what causes stops and starts in my rhythms.
it silences my prayers and my words.
one self operates from 9-5.
the other works in my real life. 6pm and beyond.
the one that wanders through dreams.
centuries ago i probably would have known many more women--surrogate mothers, sisters, friends. servant of the goddess, insulated by the temples, praised and protected for my sensitivities and ability to cross between worlds.
these days, those same proclivities are generally considered to be somewhere between insanity and naivete; modes and methods once essential to serving the divine and comprehending life reduced to vague dreamscapes or fleeting memories.
not many folks remember how to cultivate or harness them. myself included.
i am trying to--destined to, even--relearn.
still.
i'd be a basket case if i allowed myself to be myself 24/7.
my too-small house would stay full of stray animals and humans in varying states of homelessness. anyone who came to my door would be, at a minimum, fed.
against everyone's advice, i'd probably adopt a dozen foster children and teach them all how to read, sing, and dance as if their lives depended on it.
i'd kiss the sunlight back into any decent-looking man with sad eyes and hardened hands who crossed my path.
my heart would break. daily. maybe hourly.
i'd weep at the state of the world on cue.
(to the point of buying stock in kleenex...)
feel the pain of a thousand children in a breeze. and run to hold them.
the full power of my sensuality would be equally attractive and repulsive. i'd probably be a woman with many more lovers, but infinitely lonely as well.
i might bear several more children than i "ought" to--husband or no--unable to fathom why i should cease participating in the cycle of life as frequently and abundantly as god(dess) allowed, convinced the earth under my feet would provide everything we needed.
i sometimes wonder if i'll ever be strong enough to live that way. even figuratively.
for now, i'm grateful that i've learned how to survive. i do not live in fear of losing my mind like so many of my brothers and sisters on the street.
no one told them it was ok to be that way, that it was more natural than what they'd been taught was "normal".
some were berated and abused for being themselves. others were ignored, left with no mirror to reflect their lights back to them.
still others simply could not bear the weight of this world: the restless, forgotten, havoc-wreaking spirits; the lack of order and symmetry; the faces of those who have forgotten what love looks like.
it ain't easy.
9.06.2007
loving gratitude
i highly recommend falling in love with yourself. often.
i'd forgotten the power inherent in committing to the pursuance of one's own bliss. seems like mama gena's teachings are settling in and catching up with me.
making a conscious, prayerful decision to release any and all thoughts/actions/situations that are impeding my progress is one of the best things i've ever done for myself.
i don't pretend to be finished--it's a process full of maintenance sessions, backslides, and conscientious review. even so, i've gained a tremendous amount of momentum, and i can see and feel it working in my life.
in that spirit, today i am grateful for...
the lessons of the universe
love
prayers & the surety that they will be answered
clarity
ikea!
womanhood
wonder
mindfulness
car warranties
strength
incense, candles, essential oils, and crystals & the work they help us do
abundance
the entire color spectrum
peace
good food
understanding
i'd forgotten the power inherent in committing to the pursuance of one's own bliss. seems like mama gena's teachings are settling in and catching up with me.
making a conscious, prayerful decision to release any and all thoughts/actions/situations that are impeding my progress is one of the best things i've ever done for myself.
i don't pretend to be finished--it's a process full of maintenance sessions, backslides, and conscientious review. even so, i've gained a tremendous amount of momentum, and i can see and feel it working in my life.
in that spirit, today i am grateful for...
the lessons of the universe
love
prayers & the surety that they will be answered
clarity
ikea!
womanhood
wonder
mindfulness
car warranties
strength
incense, candles, essential oils, and crystals & the work they help us do
abundance
the entire color spectrum
peace
good food
understanding
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