embracing ambiguity

to elaborate a bit on my last baby post...

ok. so it'd be fantastic to have a baby, right? because, for me, that would mean that i'm in a stable, loving relationship that's reached a point of consciousness, maturity, and connectedness where a physical and spiritual example of that love has come into existence.

all good.

on the other hand, most days i'm glad that i was not born with a consciousness that made motherhood central to my sense of full womanhood.

let me be clear: i am not anti-reproduction. i love children. i have friends who are brilliant mothers. i adore my godchildren. i believe motherhood is a calling--just like nursing, teaching or the priest(ess)hood--therefore, (a) women who are not called to it are not traitors to their reproductive organs and (b) forcing a non-mother into motherhood is the fastest way to drive a woman insane.

...but because so many of us ARE raised to feel like traitors if we are unsure about babies--in ways subtle and overt--it can be frightening what some women are willing to do, say and put up with just to fit the cultural norm of a good, acceptable woman. in the black community, i fear that it may be part of what's killing us.

i really don't understand how people are raising daughters to be good, quiet, prolifically reproducing helpmeets in the 21st century.

i'm not saying we don't need intimate relationships. we do. i just think that we're a generation (or more) behind in redefining heterosexual relationships and gender roles so that they work for us and not against us.

because of all the patriarchal, capitalist bullshit we're fed--by the stuff around us if not in our homes--the subconscious and not-so-subconscious message is still that the man has to be in charge and whoever brings home the cash has the power. sigh.

y'all, there's a reason for that poster saying capitalism isn't healthy for children and other living things. and there are all kinds of gifts and power that money will never buy.

all this makes me wonder what family structures were really like before colonization, industrialism, capitalism, and international superpowers, particularly in communities of color. with all being in divine order, sometimes i wonder if we're experiencing a return to something the history books never told us. that this isn't a "breakdown" in some respects, but a transition.

however, it's a transition that the powers that be are afraid, unwilling, and/or ill prepared to support.

in any case, i'm thankful each and every day that my parents raised me to be independent, self-directed, and forward thinking. that my mother could be an opinionated, intelligent woman and my father loved and respected her for it. that they worked together to illustrate how their individual strengths combined to make a stronger unit, independent of genitalia.

even if i never have a baby or get married, at least i have an excellent notion of the way it should be done.

and if not buying the bullshit kicks me out of the running, so be it.