counseling vs. ministry

i think there's a difference between "ministers" and "counselors."  most, if not all, ministers are counselors, but not all counselors are ministers.

depending on your point of view, yes, counseling IS a ministry, i.e., all uses of your gifts ultimately acting in service to God/dess.  but i feel more grounded in the concept of someone finding me when they're ready to begin a process, guiding them through, then letting them fly...wash, rinse, repeat.

i do not have a passion for "gathering a flock" and seeing them through the various stages of their lives.  my communal needs revolve more around friends, family and like-minded acquaintances.  it feeds my spirit to be able to draw those people from a variety of sources.

full throttle community-based work requires a different level and type of energy than one-on-one healing, conducting classes/workshops, and writing books.  as much as i respect those that do the former, i'm realizing that my strengths rest in the latter.  

this is not new...more like the reemergence of an old calling empowered by new information.

when i had to think about a "day job," counseling was the only non-creative field that interested me.  the bad news was i majored in psychology instead of social work; i didn't know that a MSW would have given me the foundation for the kind of work i really wanted to do.  my vision of a "social worker" was a paper pushing government employee infringing upon the lives of poor folks. not my cup of tea.

psychology didn't hit the spot, either.  i was not thrilled by statistics, research or the workings of the brain--although that stuff had its moments.  i've always had academic talent, but an academic career would have driven me insane.  i didn't want to write papers, think thoughts (exclusively), or have an alphabet behind my name--i wanted to help people.  

now that i've met several awesome MSWs doing great things, i'm more open to the possibilities.  considering my other training, i could even do my thing with a counseling certification.

this is the vision i want to hold on to.

one step closer to figuring out this thing called my life.

give thanks.

faith-leaping

it's a strange thing...i've never felt this discouraged and encouraged at the same time.

while the state of my personal economy is less than optimal--way less. in part because they keep playing games with people's utilities--i do feel like i'm on the right path.

there's evidence that what i'm dreaming up and producing has merit and worth, and i should keep at it.

attending my brother's graduation was equal parts inspiration and anxiety-producing. while i'm really not sure if i have the stomach for school, i know getting that paper is the only way i can really be taken seriously doing the work i seem to need to do.

i'm also wondering about different spiritual systems and paths and how they may need to factor into this journey. while i have no intention of abandoning the path of my ancestors, i'm also being led down several other roads--ones i haven't walked for centuries and may have difficulty retreading.

i suppose it doesn't matter; i've started anyway. the next step is to state my intention. after that, what i need will find its way to me.

catharsis #1

trying to figure out how to get out of this funk...

part of it has to do with railing against the boredom.

i need to get back on my prayer schedule.

monday's a full moon. time to get some obstacles out of the way.

an extended fast is in order. i've been avoiding any kind of cleansing because i've convinced myself that i don't have the energy/power to keep it up. that's a lie.

the once-a-week fasting went really well for awhile, but stress and annoyance got me off track. i've been sporadic (at best) for weeks.

i've also gotten sloppy about keeping up the other end of the bargain: sticking to vegan/natural foods when i break the daytime fast. now i just go home and pig out. not ideal.

i need to be clear, but i understand that part of me doesn't want to deal with the energy of clarity. i think i've been afraid of what i'll discover, need, want, or realize if i stay on that level too long.

it's something of a misguided protective mechanism; it's extremely difficult for me to resign myself to sitting here day in and day out when i'm functioning optimally. better to sedate myself with cookies and sit here half awake. the illusion of physical hunger keeps me focused on something other than my goals. i've probably always been a little too resistant to change for my own good.

been thinking more about bodywork lately, but that's another sort of heartbreak. i still feel like i'll make a living at it. one day. but that doesn't change the fact that i need money i don't have to get started.

i can't decide if i would rather go into debt to get licensed and hustle from there, or if i should just get my ducks in a row now so i'll be free & clear later.

...well, maybe that's not so difficult. free and clear sounds much better to me. i'm not a good hustler.

i need to move my body. i have to find a way to fit yoga back into my schedule/budget. find a dance class. been saying it for months now, but i really need to make it a priority. i'm certain that my lack of movement is contributing to this feeling of stagnation. moving my body and keeping my energy aligned will whip my mental and spiritual faculties into shape.

there's so much more to this...

i have to become unafraid of opening the floodgates.

repression leads to extremes of implosion and explosion--modes i want to avoid.

i need a way to scream, cry, release. i haven't given myself space to do that. sometimes i don't know if i remember how to.

there has to be a way to vent frustration and progress at the same time.

attitude adjustment

i suppose i'm trying to balance gratitude for being among the employed with the aggravation of knowing i can do better and the (quasi) guilt of wanting more.

i ain't where i wanna be.

it was lovely having time off, but it's still a little too hard to get up in the morning, everything still annoys me a little too much, and i'm still only really happy when i'm not here.

besides, every place i've worked had a great team when i started and, thanks to managerial "insight", looked pretty fked up by the time i left. that fkupedness has begun to rear its head.

so it's about that time.

tonight, i pray

i have my obstacles all lined up and ready for burning. ashe!

i'm going to clean my house and wash my hair.

i get to see the babies tomorrow. that always makes me happy.

i'm feeling better today than i have in awhile. i can't tell if it was being able to treat myself to a yummy dinner, or just having a little money in my pocket. sometimes i forget that as a child of oshun, having a little change to jingle around can make all the difference.

the moon's probably helping as well. having a full moon to work with in the midst of my cycle can be a very rejuvenating combination, even if i have to walk through some flames to get there.

i wrote a little last night. the project is still evolving. maybe that's the embryo i was trying to name yesterday. i just have to keep twirling it between my fingers, shaping and molding until i start to see a shape i like.

it is a fantastic moment when all the hormonal fog clears and i start feeling and thinking like a rational being again. yes, there is order in the chaos, but yikes.

today i am grateful for clarity, owo (money), moon magic, and words.

"hurray, hormones!" pt. 2

i'm feeling weepy today.

admin day blows. i try to be grateful, but...eh. i'll say thank you 'cause that's what mommy taught me to do...but as ms. mcafee said,

Some bosses feel compelled to take their secretary, assistant, or whoever out to lunch on Secretaries Day. It's a nice gesture, but who wants to sit through that awkward meal? Anyone who has seen the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode in which Larry David takes his maid on a squirm-worthy lunch date at his country club knows the potential disaster of forced boss-employee conviviality. Instead of Secretaries Day, why not just chip in for a big cake on the Friday before Labor Day and toast everyone in the office—wouldn't that be kinder, not to mention easier? I'd much prefer that to a holiday that's a catch-all for "attagirl," "I'm sorry for being an insufferable employer," and "we should talk about that raise."

here, here.

speaking of raises, i didn't get the money i wanted. i did get a decent boost (we'll see how cruel uncle sam is shortly, i'm sure), but it's still barely what my starting salary would be elsewhere for the same work. so...i will be moving on.

i'm not mad, per se. my prayers were answered. it's a little frustrating, because even though i'm not fond of the job, i do like the people. and i know they appreciate me in their...way. but i need more money. period.

i really, really, really want to move, but i don't know how that's gonna work out. if i can get a moment to breathe, maybe i'll try looking online again today.

every time i think about the fact that i have not bought myself a new outfit/pair of shoes/even really cute underwear in godknowshowlong i want to scream. just about everything i own is practically worn out, hopelessly faded, or just plain old. it's like, i actually need shit at this point. it's not even about just buying stuff to have it.

food is about the only decadence i'm allowed, but i'm trying not to re-gain the weight i lost in february. and the farmer's market in all its cheapy goodness doesn't open until later next month.

honey's job is still working him half to death, and i miss him terribly. he's as supportive as he can be (he was angrier about the raise than i was...ha), and he says he's doing all this so that we can go somewhere this summer, but...i don't know. sometimes i'd just rather have him around for dinner and a movie instead. even so, getting to a beach this summer would greatly improve my mood. i just hope he's not so worn down he can't enjoy it, too.

maybe i need a few days off to get my head together.

or maybe i just need my period to start so i can just stop worrying over all this shit already.

sigh.

hunger

lately i've been feeling like i need to eat, constantly. but i'm not really hungry.

it's a hunger...something deep and strong. it's not negative...it's not compulsive or obsessive. there's no greed in it.

but it's present.

i think it's a wanderlust. i wanna go somewhere, do something. i want to expand, live, breathe in a space bigger than the one i'm allowed right now.

it's all coming...i know it is. maybe that's what's causing the longing. i know it's all just around the corner. i can do everything but touch/taste it...it's not quite close enough for that...

but it will be.

i'm very rarely impatient, but right now i feel like a horse just behind the starting gate. i wanna go, NOW.

my senses are coming back to me. all of them. it's an adjustment, but also an answer to a prayer. i'm feeling more alive than i have in years, probably. so that means having to take a look around me and wonder, "is this really enough?" and in some very important ways, i'm saying, "no. it isn't."

so i'm hungry.
not starving.
not desperate.

but it's just enough to drive me to hunt.

last night i dreamt that my boss decided to drop all kinds of personal crap in my lap. like, endless letters full of her problems and issues, expecting me to solve them. i promptly let her know that that was not my burden to bear, and i refused to bear it...plus i was gonna keep the letters as proof just in case she tried to punish me for not being her therapist on top of everything else.

not to mention my officemate had a dream i quit...

i've done some reflection. the energy loosed by the cleaning/purging has settled quite a bit.

now it's time to start jumping into action.

adupe ori mi
ashe-o

i want that house.

the one i stare at every time i ride by...

the one i now know has 4 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, has been renovated and the basement finished.

it's supposed to be outta my range.
but i want it anyway.

*cracks knuckles*

let's see if i can get to conjurin'....

is this what birthing feels like?

ok, y'all.

i feel weird.
like, outta my damn mind weird.

i'm all over the place...i blame hormones for any weirdness last week, but now that i'm leveling off on that tip, i still feel...uprooted. i'm guessing it's just all the clearing/moving/shifting of energy, but...it's a very strange thing.

maybe it's the season. i tend to be very inert in the winter. sometimes bordering on depression. thankfully i don't feel that way this year...probably because i took some intiative and got on the ball early this time around. still, it just doesn't seem worth doing much of anything.

maybe it's not quite time yet. maybe i have to let things incubate for a few weeks, start thinking about manifestation closer to spring. should i keep things in a state of germination and reflection for now? maybe i'm moving too fast?

on the other hand, i'm afraid of active procrastination.

i started my desire book, per mama gena. that's been really fun...and it's definitely helping me conceptualize what i want for my new home/wardrobe/life.

i've cleaned out my closets..given away some things and thrown out others. shoes included. i'm making space. and i'm happy about that.

but you know how it is when you start kickin up dust...suppose i just have to check for dust bunnies & such before i move up a level.

i can sense the movement. maybe that's good enough for now.