TKON (reprise)

...because i needed this today. 

in the spirit of beginning to constructively vent my anger, i have to cite this as one of the main reasons i'm pissed.

because it's destroying hearts and minds.
because it's destroying families.
because it's keeping us from the good love we could be having.

the kingdom must fall.

restricted

(in thought-bursts)

this weekend
it'd be so cool to go up to philly and hang out
get a pedi
take myself out for pancakes with a good book.
grab a couple more good books.
see a movie or two

but i'm worried about having enough for groceries and incidentals.  and the familiar needs shots.  that'll need to be taken care of before i shuttle him off to my folks for a few days...

so i'll likely wind up mostly at home. 
i suppose it's all right. i need to clean anyway. 

it's my first long, totally single weekend in a long time
(not that he was around for many long weekends anyway)
and i have nothing to do.

no prospects on the horizon, although i'm starting to wish there were.

being single AND broke is endlessly frustrating. 
i can't even spoil myself ? what part of the game is that?

something's gotta give...

some notes for white supremacists

in memory of dr. george tiller, the peruvian earth warriors, ken saro-wiwa, the navajo and hopi of black rock mesa, my egun, and all those who have suffered at the hands of the insanity that is the white man's burden, whatever its manifestation.


do not be angry at us because the schemes and plans of your ancestors failed to exterminate those you find "undesirable".

it is not our fault the lies you've cultivated are crashing down around you.

the sooner you realize that those in positions powerful enough to affect the course of the world--who looked like you, not me, and who trumpeted your values, not ours--are the ones who exported us around the globe in an effort to make their lives easier; created the artificial borders; and forced you to die in their wars then abandoned you, the sooner you'll understand our enemy is a common one.

i admit that i am a fan of whitefolks getting their shit together before they come talk to us. thanks to the inordinate privilege built up over the 500 years since columbus sailed the ocean blue, it won't get better until you talk to one another and get the story straight.

because you won't believe us. you never have--well, maybe when we were the only people who could roundly educate you (remember kemet? timbuktu?). but not since. these days, you generally behave like genius-level--but wholly ungrateful--pupils.

please understand: you cannot stop the return to sanity and balance. the universe always rights itself. you could dilute, but not suppress, our bloodlines, languages, spirits and cultures.

the truth is slow, but dependable. it's time for new paradigms.

i apologize for the cognitive dissonance this must cause, but you will, quite simply, have to deal with it.

hating us won't help. globally speaking, there are more folks who look like us, and we're beginning to realize how illusory the world you've built around, over, and through us is.

denial won't help either. technology only continues to upset your deceptions and confirm our truths.

let go.

it's ok.

really.

can't stop, won't stop

i'm not the only one calling out the foolishness.

people, we have got to pool our resources in order to protect our stories, our sacred places and things, and our culture. if we don't, it will be co-opted or erased in the great sea of eurocentric universalism.

don't hate.

i tuned in to nightwolf this evening, and he was talking about the intersections of black folks and native americans in the context of the cherokee freedmen struggle.

i am grateful to him for his truth-telling, including his willingness to acknowledge the pre-colombian contact afrikans had with native americans.

i grew up knowing i had native american ancestry. later, i was able (pushed, really) to connect with it spiritually.

however, i do not know which tribe intersected my family. considering my maternal great-grandmother's ancestry, it was probably the rappahannock.

i also grew up with the implication that even if we could find out about that side of the family, it didn't really matter. they probably wouldn't want to acknowledge us anyway.

the same story over and over again.

interesting how everyone's trying to one-up themselves on the ladder of white supremacy or fight for the scraps from massa's table, forgetting that we all came from africa.

black folks, no matter where we are found, are the most concrete evidence of that.

(i am africa man, original)

it's hurtful that some indians would shun us, considering our shared struggles and history. when we knew who the enemy truly was, we helped each other.

it can be difficult to see how eager folks are to distance themselves from us.

we're not indian enough
we're not spanish enough
we're not white enough
and, now, we're not even african enough.

unbreakable
broken too easily...

the list goes on.

but, in the end?
we survived the whitefolks the best way(s) we knew how. just like you.
we lost many in the struggle. just like you.
and we're still losing them. just like you.

it just so happens that it was that much harder for us to blend in or pass or be accepted as civilized.

for the strength of our genes, we've paid some heavy costs.

regardless, i'm going to hold my head up high, 'cause we don't need any more hate, inferiority complexes, or half assed, fetishistic love.

up, you mighty race...

newsflash

we are all under the SAME sky,
breathing the SAME air,
created by the SAME divinity that is known by innumerable names.

and we are ALL "SAVED".

because we are all breathing that air.
created by that divinity
that we can call by those innumerable names
in innumerable ways.

anything else is a false teaching.

karma chameleon

i finally saw hancock...pretty decent. may not have paid $8 for it, but decent enough for a night in.

the history behind hancock & mary's relationship was a bit of a trigger. i suppose in my situation, though, proximity was strengthening. usually.

the spaces between love and destruction.
the true proximity of humanity to god(hood).
the immortality of love and the spirit.


(SPOILER ALERT)
(scroll past the blockquote if you're planning on seeing the film.)

(seriously.)

Mary explains that Hancock is technically her husband, explaining that they were built in twos, and that they are drawn to each other over time and great distances. When later intervening in a liquor store robbery, Hancock is shot and wounded. Visiting him at the Hospital, Mary explains that when a pair of immortals get close to each other physically, they begin to lose their powers. She also tells him that she and Hancock have been attacked as a couple many times throughout history, most recently being in an alley in Miami 80 years ago. His skull was fractured during the attack, causing amnesia. To save his life at the time, Mary deserted him, allowing him to recover from his injuries. After her explanation, the hospital is raided by the bank robber Red Parker and two other criminals that Hancock had encountered when imprisoned. Mary is shot trying to defend Hancock as he is able to stop the two men, but is further wounded in the process. When Red attempts to finish Hancock off, Ray comes to the rescue and stops the bank robber with a fire axe. With Mary dying, Hancock uses the last of his strength to flee from the hospital so that their parting would allow her to heal with her powers.

we've loved each other
healed each other
loved others
left each other
come back again...

on and on and on and on and...

happy (i guess) holidays...

for the past several years, it seems i've found myself in some state of grief near christmas, filled with spontaneous emotional releases and harsh crying jags.

i'm elated for anyone who adores this season, but all i want to do is hide under my bed til everything's over and the xmas carols stop.

wait. let me rewind a bit.

i had great holidays as a kid, so it's not about that. actually, i almost see christmas as a children's holiday that loses its charm as you get older. the one redeeming event is seeing children so enthralled with the season and its stories. i love seeing my godkids and little cousins open their presents, talk about santa, and all that.

similarly, the religious element never really held any sway. much to my mother's chagrin, a lot of church stuff simply didn't take. (sorry, mom)

but, let's be real. you're supposed to be in the christmas spirit all year 'round...just like giving thanks ain't just for thanksgiving.

so, now, entering winter means going through all sorts of spontaneous, painful releases that thankfully let up with the new year. when a lot of ppl are dealing with mid-january "post holiday blahs", i'm feeling pretty relieved/renewed because all that stuff is behind me. the ancestral energy calms down, and i have spring and a birthday to look forward to.

seems kinda backward, given the cultural "norms", but i can really hate having to be in the holiday spirit! when it just reminds me of all the family members who aren't here anymore, not to mention seeing my parents go through their own blues. my mother because of family losses--particularly missing her mother, who loved the season. she's a fan of retail therapy. apparently my father suffered a recently re-awakened, christmas-related war trauma. suffice it to say it's no wonder he chose to go to work most years.

it's also been almost a year since the miscarriage. and, considering everything that's happened since, i often wonder if that was my first and last chance at having a family of my own. but that's another story for another day.

maybe, on some level, this is the natural way of seeing the solstice and the new year? i've read about how the so-called pagans saw winter as a harbinger of darkness (sleeping sun) and reflection; a sort of hermitage that lifted in spring.

maybe my body and spirit have taken on those natural rhythms and refuse to conform to the shiny, commercialism-filled veneer that's been slathered over it all.

my german-irish blood must still have me standing in the forest with my cauldron, watching the earth go to sleep. all the african parts are confounded by winter, regardless. guess the asian and the indigenous sections are out to lunch.

so, today's lesson: if someone seems somber instead of overflowing with hall-decking joy between thanksgiving and january 1st, be patient and kind. this isn't a joyous time for everyone.

(of course, today would be our office holiday party...)

fussing with my muse (again)

i think i'm coming down with another one of those writing compulsions. but i don't know what to write about. that's when it gets particularly frustrating.

there are all these amorphous forms filling up my head. glimmers of ideas or feelings or word arrangements trying to manifest themselves, but with no clear channel for expression.

i suppose i'm the channel, but i don't know exactly what i'm supposed to do.

i can't always be taken over. i don't always have the time.

then again, i can't always shake off the impulse, either.

physically, i'm fine. i.e., i don't feel like some massive cleansing is in order.

spiritually, i'm in some kind of spin cycle.

emotionally, i'm stronger, but still a little fragile. like cooling caramel.

...and there was more, but i got distracted.

y'all have no clue how thankful i am for this five day weekend...

holy

thank you.

help me.

...the only two prayers i can say right now.

random blog #128390

it's been a weird couple of days.

time is still blurring hopelessly. it's all i can do to keep myself on task at work. i won't even speak on the house. even coworkers have expressed a general difficulty keeping focus this week.

last night i came home to a disturbed house and barely got to sleep.

the squirrels are in the kitchen walls again. i know they can't get in--and even if they did, they'd have the cat to deal with--but the scratching is maddening.

i'm back to thinking about moving, but will the money be there? probably only if i get that second job...

i have a cake to bake.
twists to redo.
a new goddaughter to see.
bills, bills, bills.
i need some water.

the snowflakes were pretty this morning...

i think i need a break. maybe run to the bank and the grocery store. i want to scrub the kitchen floor and do a quick spiritual cleanse of the whole place. burn more incense. i think i'll feel better then.

the boogeyman

ok. another scary movie about the illuminati...

(with a bonus blurb on tupac!)



now, as i've said before, i'm about as much of a conspiracy theorist as any other black person in america. however:

(1) if all this illuminati stuff is not (or only partially) true, it's irresponsible to keep tossing it into the wind and

(2) if it IS true, where's the outrage? was there ever a time when we weren't "sheeple"? and, if we know less now than we used to, what changed? were there people who knew about this stuff? what happened to them? how long ago? what about in the rest of the world? are we all idiots?

and, most importantly, where are the solutions? no one ever talks about that.*

plus, it's painfully obvious that enough people don't know (or don't care) to combat these illuminati people, so aren't we all screwed anyway?

i feel the same way about 2012. if it is, in fact, the end of the world due to some cosmic catastrophe and the only way to avoid it is to get off the planet, three years can't save us. the technology's not there, and if it is, only a select few know about it anyway.**

bottom line is, i suppose i question the motives of shock jock conspiracy theorists as much as i do those of the ruling elite.

so, if you're into this sort of thing, feel free to drop me a line. maybe i'm missing something...



*zeitgeist is a notable exception. i recommend it to anyone who's interested in this kind of stuff as a far less alarmist, even handed treatment of the topic.

**personally, i agree with those who say 2012 is meant to usher in the start of a new age of humanity, i.e. spiritual, social and psychological evolution, not the "end of the world". as far as catastrophes are concerned, i'm more worried about the ones tied to global warming than anything that might happen when the planets line up. not to say a big ass comet couldn't hit the planet, but, again, what can we really do about that?

today

...is one of those days when i feel held together by gossamer fairy wings, radish beams and duct tape.

somehow i wound up leaving the house, basically only because i couldn't think of an excuse good enough to warrant not coming in to work (damned work ethic...), despite feeling like my soul was caving in.

the ancestors said they were gonna get me through the day, so i'll have to trust in that. right now, it's the only thing keeping me upright anyway.

to my rbg, fist-in-the-air, radically black family

i love y'all.
i really do.
but y'all ain't runnin shit.

i understand where you're coming from, but until we have a multiple-party system in this country that reflects the actual diversity of opinion and politics in this country, your message will not be effectively heard.

we've been falling through the cracks too long, and these days counterculture is almost a joke.

don't get me wrong; largely, i agree with you. politically, i'm about as far left as you can get without falling off the continuum. i am a practitioner of traditional african spirituality. i was raised to trust and love my people above all else. i am anti-war, anti-capitalism, and try to remain cognizant of the role of all sentient beings i share the planet with.

but i am also aware that that is not the consciousness that founded, established, and/or runs this nation. and, since it is a nation founded on a european, judeo-christian foundation, it may never be.

i believed the cia put crack into our communities and that 9/11 was a fixed game long before either conspiracy theory became popular (y'all just wait on that 9/11 one...it'll take awhile...). i never supported this mess in iraq. i know my leaders often lie to, cheat, and steal from me--whether i vote for them or not.

but when we have a chance, even if it's a small one, to show the world what more liberal, inclusive, and equitable leadership looks like, we've gotta take it. even if it means taking one for the shitstem.

i know good and hell well obama is not the messiah, and never thought he was. i don't even believe in a messiah--but that's another post.

he doesn't share my history or even my bloodlines, although, presumably, his wife may.

besides, even if he's as different as we're hoping he is--and i'm starting to think he just might be--he's not gonna be able to fix this mess in 4-8 years, 'cause it wasn't made in 4-8 years.

...but neither would mccain.

that said, there are times where you recognize the need to compromise on the macro level in order to make it easier to do what you do on the micro level.

i am not an activist, and don't claim to be. i have love for all of you who feed the community, who raise money and run education campaigns for political prisoners, who tear down this system brick by brick, and who lose life and limb to do so.

but i do see this particular election as a real chance to finally, possibly, have efforts like yours see the light of day. it's already becoming clearer to the mainstream that mobilizing the grassroots is how you truly effect change and get things done.

that's why obama pisses them off--the energy behind his campaign, ideas and platform are reminding us ALL of that fact, and it's imploding reaganomics, the bush administration's lies, and everything in between.

...just like y'all knew it would.

have you noticed that they're finally paying attention? all the misunderstandings, rumor, and innuendo going around about obama that make it painfully obvious that they don't know black folk too well, even after 400-some-odd years?

it's finally sinking in: we're here, we're not going anywhere, and neither are all the other black, brown, yellow and red people they tried to keep under the heels of their boots.

and, horror of horrors, we might even rise up and wind up running their precious, lily white, city-on-a-hill nation.

brothers & sisters, i know you don't "believe" in this thing, but by the will of the universe, we've come to live in it, and most of us are uni-lingual, monocultural products of it, no matter how much marx, fanon, diop, and marimba ani we read.

that doesn't mean it's fair.
doesn't mean it's right.
doesn't mean that our ancestors don't deserve justice.

it just means that change comes in a multitude of manifestations, and sometimes you've gotta look beyond your usual horizon.

so, even if you've never voted before, i hope you vote(d) today.

all power to the people.

with love & in freedom,

~omi~

nothin to it but to do it...

i feel like i'm in the midst of one of those challenging transitions where i need a lot of quiet.

there's a constant sense of work, strategy, maneuvering.

it's imperative that i keep my spaces clean and clear. clutter equals stress, and dirt is especially irritating.

time is precious and needs to be rationed wisely.

my body's changing again. i'm not sure how to feel about it. my mother told me once that my father's sister--whom i resemble pretty closely--suddenly started to slim down around 30, despite having at least one, if not two, of her daughters by then.

on the other hand, there are folks around me with far more pressing issues...hence, i'd feel almost silly complaining.

but...stress is stress. and i'm trying to keep mine from becoming too overwhelming.

chasing amy

ok, so, i got chasing amy from netflix recently, seeing as it's one of those movies that everyone kept telling me i had to see.

my relationship with kevin smith had a rocky start. i was in my late h.s./early college years when he was putting out clerks and mallrats. cosmo tried to get me into his stuff, but...i simply wasn't feeling it. i recall him attempting to indoctrinate me during a lazy saturday afternoon in bed. about 10 minutes into mallrats, i demanded that he "turn this shit off".

now, with a little more life experience and a slightly modified sense of humor, i'm cool with smith. i loved dogma on sight, and he's probably one of the few people who's stuff i'd throw down $8-10 to see, no questions asked.

so, back to chasing amy.

the whole madonna/whore dichotomy has always pissed me off. when holden made his plea to alyssa in the car, my heart melted. i started thinking of how much i miss being in love, those first stirrings of knowing that this person is just wonderfully right for you (at least for now...lol), and building up to the first moment you let them know. the honesty, the passion, all that romantic shit.

and then he finds out--via an infantile, sexually frustrated, hatin ass so-called best friend--that the girl has a "past" and throws it all away.

...only to wise up later.

dumbass.

having been on alyssa's end of this latent male wisdom, i'm sorry i didn't see this sooner. it might have cushioned some of the blows i've gotten since.

i would rant and rave over where hayden got off blasting alyssa for living a little, but i know where he got off.

just like i know where banky got off with his the-man-doth-protest-too-much homophobia.

praise be to my mom & dad, i don't know what it's like to be uptight about just about every bodily function and every position that ain't missionary. but a lot of folks do--and are still living there well into adulthood.

hence hayden's hangups and inability to cope with alyssa--who, to me, embodied the free-wheeling, no holds barred feminine principle.

and we all know what happened to the feminine principle.

the movie touches on the ways in which sons are guided while daughters are either imprisoned or left to fend for themselves (e.g. alyssa's parents never being home). our desires are worthless, fleeting, and/or inconsequential.

boys get to take over the world while girls walk around in a daze wondering why they're here at all--unless it's to get the boys, who are in charge, to like them.

alyssa's what happens when (a) the "good girl" type isn't properly internalized and (b) the boys don't matter so much.

and men wonder why their girlfriends don't tell them shit. 90% of y'all couldn't handle it if we did.

what alyssa (and the proverbial amy) said was true: if we want you, we want you. all the other stuff doesn't matter.

we have to find ourselves just like you do, only there's no "wrong" way for men to do so.

kudos to smith for turning this stuff on its head and bringing it to the light of day as, i suppose, only a good catholic boy could do.

menfolks: i love y'all, i swear i do, but PLEASE find a way to handle the egos. thanks.

on my mind...

grief
hope
getting back to me
impatience
passion
books
growth
pain
movement
confusion
beauty
help
strength
friendship
safety
waiting
love
frustration
wanting
disassociation
vacation
ecstasy

balancing act

sometimes i feel like it's too much work for me to take care of me.

if i focus on the house, my diet suffers.
a bad bout of pms, and my house goes to hell. (eating habits, too)
if i go on a pampering binge, laundry doesn't get done.

etc and so on.

i know i've been emotionally spoiled. i.e., when a tangible, profound exchange of love and loving is not happening in my life, i notice it. blame the comfort and security of my childhood.

i know that there are far worse things to be, know, and long for. i'm not knocking my blessings. my ori wisely chose this path, probably so i would not have to struggle through all sorts of psychological and emotional trauma.

however, for most of my adult life, i've been able to easily replace that familial loving with some very dynamic lovers, suitors, paramours, and the like.

i don't think that will be as easy now.

it takes more to get me open than it did at 18 or 23, and that's as it should be.

but i still miss the love.
what can i do about that?

then again, i also miss my disposable income, energy, and yoga classes.

there's gotta be a happy medium.

a reminder.

if you're half steppin, don't bother steppin at all.
i don't want maybes, buts, excuses or apologies.

if you want me, say so.
if you don't, say that too.

if you want to know, ask, and i'll tell you.
if you hold up a jewel in front of me, it'd better be for me.

yeah, tension's ok and all, but right now? i want satisfaction.

i've done enough waiting.
i've had enough of sometimes, almosts, and coulda/shouldas.

i need firm ground to stand on, promises fulfilled, adoration repaid.

if you've promised me nothing, you owe me nothing.
but don't come knocking and talking big, 'cause that'll get you nowhere.

potential means very little.
i'm sorry, but that ship has sailed.
results, movement, progress, evolution...that's everything.

i'd rather be that woman and keep my soul than watch it wither away and call it a home.

...and i'm going to keep saying it until he shows up.

the he who can do what he says...not just think about it or visualize it.
who isn't afraid.
who doesn't back down--from me or himself.
who will fight for me like i'll fight for him.
who will know that i'm his from my walk, my smile, and my laugh.
who realizes that not being co-dependent doesn't mean i don't need him.


this rant brought to you by a bona fide omo sango moment. kawo kabiyesile!

i want to write...

but every word is a dagger, like the little mermaid's footsteps.

it's all too raw, too unprocessed to let out. at least to the interwebs.

but i want to write it.

as usual, it's probably the only way i'll make sense of the whole mess.