pissivity (4)

in all this (emotional) working out i've been doing, i have discovered that i'm angrier than i thought i was.

it was hiding in some cracks and crevices, mainly because it's not about individuals but circumstances, incidents; having to be who i am while living in a world ravaged by patriarchy, war, and abuse.  

my idea is to get a bright red or bile green journal and write letters to these things.  whenever i'm done with it, it will be burned.

aside from the obvious catharsis, i think openly ranting will also help me (re)define where i want to focus my energies and craft solutions.

breast ironing

this angers me. for many reasons.

why punish girls for being the victims of rape and sexual assault? 

where is the men's responsibility? their maturity? sense of dignity?

i get that the mothers are doing what they know to try and protect their daughters. i am not passing judgment on them.  

but...have they forgotten their magic?

where are the ancient social structures that would have prevented this? they're pretty standard in original african culture.  has the infiltration christianity and/or islam eroded any sense of the rightful status of women?

obviously, i have a lot of questions.

on: "gay" marriage

this is one of those things i thought about speaking on, but felt like it was being bandied about in so many ways in so many places, why bother?

but, lemme sum it up so it's outta my head.

your state issues your marriage license, not any church.

no license (from the state), and you're not married. plain & simple.

according to the 14th amendment of the u.s. constitution, everyone in the u.s. has equal protection under the law. this had to be added because of the (ahem) problem posed by having a bunch of free black folk around after the civil war.

therefore, if we truly have separation of church and state, as noted by another one of those pesky constitutional amendments--the first one, in fact--the issue of "gay" marriage isn't an issue at all.

any two consenting adults--whatever that means in your state--should be allowed to enter into a state-recognized contract of marriage if they so choose.

period.
end of story.

whether or not your religious/spiritual institution will perform the ceremony that joins you in the eyes of the god of your understanding is for them to decide, and very few people are arguing that.

but to the judge and the irs, it ought to all be the same.

i don't see the problem.*

thank you and good night.


*of course, i didn't even start in on all the moral/social/spiritual stuff. i decided to keep it short & sweet. in any case, i think the only way to stop this mess dead in its tracks is to remind people that we do, in fact, HAVE a constitution. that seems to have gotten lost in the sauce about 5-7 yrs ago. that document IS the law of the land, and unless and until that's changed--let's hope we haven't gone that insane--we're essentially fiddling while rome's burning. angry at gay marriage when you can't buy food or keep a house? get the fk outta here...

in search of a powerful eroticism

i reread audre lorde's (iba t'orun) "the uses of the erotic" on the train the other day, and it made my heart hurt a little.

during a conversation with c., i realized (again) how complacent and sedated i've become; how i have betrayed my wild woman, allowing parts of her to hibernate or suffer from dehydration for far too long.

first, mama audre tells us:

There are many kinds of power, used and unused, acknowledged or otherwise. The erotic is a resource within each of us that lies in a deeply female and spiritual plane, firmly rooted in the power of our unexpressed or unrecognized feeling. In order to perpetuate itself, every oppression must corrupt or distort those various sources of power within the culture of the oppressed that can provide energy for change. For women, this has meant a suppression of the erotic as a considered source of power and information within our lives.

We have been taught to suspect this resource, vilified, abused, and devalued within western society. On the one hand, the superficially erotic has been encouraged as a sign of female inferiority; on the other hand, women have been made to suffer and to feel both contemptible and suspect by virtue of its existence.

furthermore...

As women, we have come to distrust that power which rises from our deepest and nonrational knowledge. We have been warned against it all our lives by the male world, which values this depth of feeling enough to keep women around in order to exercise it in the service of men, but which fears this same depth too much to examine the possibilities of it within themselves. So women are maintained at a distant/inferior position to be psychically milked, much the same way ants maintain colonies of aphids to provide a life-giving substance for their masters.

But the erotic offers a well of replenishing and provocative force to the woman who does not fear its revelation, nor succumb to the belief that sensation is enough.

precisely. sensation is not enough. my hunger goes much deeper than that.

one of the first steps towards my satisfaction was obtaining fulfilling employment. all praise to my ori, egbe and the orisa, i have done that.

but it's only the first movement. in many ways, i'm still starving.

The erotic is a measure between our sense of self and the chaos of our strongest feelings. It is an internal sense of satisfaction to which, once we have experienced it, we know we can aspire. For having experienced the fullness of this depth of feeling and recognizing its power, in honor and self-respect we can require no less of ourselves.

indeed. it has touched me, fully and deeply--and not just in love.

It is never easy to demand the most from ourselves, from our lives, from our work. To encourage excellence is to go beyond the encouraged mediocrity of our
society is to encourage excellence. But giving in to the fear of feeling and working to capacity is a luxury only the unintentional can afford, and the unintentional are those who do not wish to guide their own destinies.

This internal requirement toward excellence which we learn from the erotic must not be misconstrued as demanding the impossible from ourselves nor from others. Such a demand incapacitates everyone in the process. For the erotic is not a question only of what we do; it is a question of how acutely and fully we can feel in the doing. Once we know the extent to which we are capable of feeling that sense of satisfaction and completion, we can then observe which of our various life endeavors bring us closest to that fullness.

hallelujah.

The aim of each thing which we do is to make our lives and the lives of our children richer and more possible. Within the celebration of the erotic in all our endeavors, my work becomes a conscious decision - a longed-for bed which I enter gratefully and from which I rise up empowered.

Of course, women so empowered are dangerous. So we are taught to separate the erotic from most vital areas of our lives other than sex. And the lack of concern for the erotic root and satisfactions of our work is felt in our disaffection from so much of what we do. For instance, how often do we truly love our work even at its most difficult?

i feel like i would be terribly dangerous if i were so empowered. seeing women like dark daughta making the attempt is a blessing. she and others encourage me to find my own way towards freedom, past the fragmentation and the lies i tell myself to fit in and make it through the weeks.

i am learning that it isn't just my creativity that's fallen away from the nucleus of who i am--parts of my sensuality, sexuality, even parts of my spirituality feel incomplete.

i don't just have writing blocks these days, i have prayer ones as well. what can i say to my shrines when i can barely speak to my ori? what once seemed so simple has become a chore.

As women, we need to examine the ways in which our world can be truly different. I am speaking here of the necessity for reassessing the quality of all the aspects of our lives and of our work, and of how we move toward and through them.

The very word erotic comes from the Greek word eros, the personification of love in all its aspects - born of Chaos, and personifying creative power and harmony. When I speak of the erotic, then, I speak of it as an assertion of the lifeforce of women; of that creative energy empowered, the knowledge and use of which we are now reclaiming in our language, our history, our dancing, our loving, our work, our lives.

somehow i have been cut off from the source.

i'm wondering what part the last month has played in this drama, how much i've dealt with and how much i haven't.

...but that'd be another blog altogether.

Beyond the superficial, the considered phrase, "It feels right to me," acknowledges the strength of the erotic into a true knowledge, for what that means is the first and most powerful guiding light toward any understanding. And understanding is a handmaiden which can only wait upon, or clarify, that knowledge, deeply born. The erotic is the nurturer or nursemaid of all our deepest knowledge.

this is going at the bottom of the blog as my newest quote. maybe posted above the goddesspace. a new mantra.

The erotic functions for me in several ways, and the first is in providing the power which comes from sharing deeply any pursuit with another person. The sharing of joy, whether physical, emotional, psychic, or intellectual, forms a bridge between the sharers which can be the basis for understanding much of what is not shared between them, and lessens the threat of their difference.

...and this is why i like DD, despite her insistence that many of us (whoever the "we" happen to be who stumble upon her musings) won't.

i don't need to nitpick with her about the different ways in which we see the world. i respond to her as my heart and mind dictate, and she responds to me in kind. in that, we don't bicker, but find common ground. when we disagree, we don't polarize one another--we teach each other.

that's the way it's supposed to be.

mama audre had so much to contribute in the way of the conscious acknowledgement and acceptance of difference...it breaks my heart that we didn't have her for just a few more years.

Another important way in which the erotic connection functions is the open and fearless underlining of my capacity for joy, in the way my body stretches to music and opens into response, harkening to its deepest rhythms so every level upon which I sense also opens to the erotically satisfying experience whether it is dancing, building a bookcase, writing a poem, or examining an idea.

That self-connection shared is a measure of the joy which I know myself to be capable of feeling, a reminder of my capacity for feeling. And that deep and irreplaceable knowledge of my capacity for joy comes to demand from all of my life that it be lived within the knowledge that such satisfaction is possible, and does not have to be called marriage, nor god, nor an afterlife.

This is one reason why the erotic is so feared, and so often relegated to the bedroom alone, when it is recognized at all. For once we begin to feel deeply all the aspects of our lives, we begin to demand from ourselves and from our life-pursuits that they feel in accordance with that joy which we know ourselves to be capable of. Our erotic knowledge empowers us, becomes a lens through which we scrutinize all aspects of our existence, forcing us to evaluate those aspects honestly in terms of their relative meaning within our lives. And this is a grave responsibility, projected from within each of us, not to settle for the convenient, the shoddy, the conventionally expected, nor the merely safe.

this is why my relationship with him was and still is so important; we lived and breathed this essay before i even knew it existed. we still do.

now that our love is shifting and transforming into another form of being, i'm wondering how it will still be capable of feeding me, how my current situation may need to shape shift.

how fear has factored in to my desires and loves.
the walls are getting thin.

During World War II, we bought sealed plastic packets of white, uncolored margarine, with a tiny, intense pellet of yellow coloring perched like a topaz just inside the clear skin of the bag. We would leave the margarine out for a while to soften, and then we would pinch the little pellet to break it inside the bag, releasing the rich yellowness into the soft pale mass of margarine. Then taking it carefully between our fingers, we would knead it gently back and forth, over and over, until the color had spread throughout the whole pound bag of margarine, thoroughly coloring it.

I find the erotic such a kernel within myself. When released from its intense and constrained pellet, it flows through and colors my life with a kind of energy that heightens and sensitizes and strengthens all my experience.

mmm hmmmm...

We have been raised to fear the yes within ourselves, our deepest cravings. But, once recognized, those which do not enhance our future lose their power and can be altered. The fear of our deepest cravings keeps them suspect and indiscriminately powerful, for to suppress any truth is to give it strength beyond endurance. The fear that we cannot grow beyond whatever distortions we may find within ourselves keeps us docile and loyal and obedient, externally defined, and leads us to accept many facets of our own oppression as women.

...But when we begin to live from within outward, in touch with the power of the erotic within ourselves, and allowing that power to inform and illuminate our actions upon the world around us, then we begin to be responsible to ourselves in the deepest sense. For as we begin to recognize our deepest feelings, we begin to give up, of necessity, being satisfied with suffering, and self-negation, and with the numbness which so often seems like the only alternative in our society. Our acts against oppression become integral with self, motivated and empowered from within.

In touch with the erotic, I become less willing to accept powerlessness, or those other supplied states of being which are not native to me, such as resignation, despair, self-effacement, depression, self-denial.

i believe that this is the message mama gena intended when she, essentially, watered down and commercialized this lesson for her school of womanly arts.

it's definitely a wonderful beginning--if that's the level you need to be reached on--but i hope that the actual classes touch on something deeper and more critically minded than what glitters on the surface.

back to the essay:

And yes, there is a hierarchy. There is a difference between painting a black fence and writing a poem, but only one of quantity. And there is, for me, no difference between writing a good poem and moving into sunlight against the body of a woman I love.

This brings me to the last consideration of the erotic. To share the power of each other's feelings is different from using another's feelings as we would use a Kleenex. When we look the other way from our experience, erotic or otherwise, we use rather than share the feelings of those others who participate in the experience with us. And use without consent of the used is abuse.

In order to be utilized, our erotic feelings must be recognized. The need for sharing deep feeling is a human need. But within the european-american tradition, this need is satisfied by certain proscribed erotic comings-together. These occasions are almost always characterized by a simultaneous looking away, a pretense of calling them something else, whether a religion, a fit, mob violence, or even playing doctor. And this misnaming of the need and the deed give rise to that distortion which results in pornography and obscenity - the abuse of feeling.

deep.

The erotic cannot be felt secondhand. As a Black lesbian feminist, I have a particular feeling, knowledge, and understanding for those sisters with whom I have danced hard, played, or even fought. This deep participation has often been the forerunner for joint concerted actions not possible before.

But this erotic charge is not easily shared by women who continue to operate under an exclusively european-american male tradition. I know it was not available to me when I was trying to adapt my consciousness to this mode of living and sensation.

...and it's still not available, mama audre, not even for a heterosexual black woman--whatever scraps of privilege that offers me.

i am built for this kind of life.
it is always on the tip of my tongue.
the rhythm of it guides my heart...
whether i'm loving someone
writing
designing sacred space...

it's there. it's waiting. it's mine.

but i still have plenty of work to do before the erotic is fully fused to my life.

maybe that should be my new prayer...

what's your god paying you?

going over to rootsblog guarantees an enlightening experience. this piece inspired me to respond as follows:

hm.

i wonder how much of that "better life" is coming from outside africa (e.g., u.s. and arab financed faith-based groups).

i wonder why so many born in the diaspora are discovering, as you put it, "a good life, one full of meaning and significance, one of power over self and adversity" in african spirituality.

it seems to me that christianity/islam works for the continental folks because they need the material comforts, while we're called TO them because we're more in need of the (in my opinion more fully developed and collectively compatible) spiritual edification.

i could go on for days on that notion of "breaking curses" and such, but i think i'll link this post on my blog and do a follow-up there.

i know that yoruba culture has been in existence for at least 10,000 years.

prior to that, the civilizations and spiritual systems of kush and nubia gave way to the rise of kemet, which has influenced the rest of black africa and the world ever since.

it is now scientifically accepted that all life came out of africa, so it makes sense that our collective unconscious was born there as well. while there have always been nominal variations due to region, culture, and language, our ancestral traditions have formed the archetypes found throughout humanity.

i defend orisa and the other african systems not solely because of my personal investment, but because of the flow of history and time.

our way is the original way.

if it weren't for the kemetian mystery schools, we wouldn't have the bible. arabic culture, too, was goddess/god-balanced long before muhammad came on the scene.

despite that, we now have millions of people afraid of anything that doesn't fall between the covers of two largely plagiarized books, despite the long and deep history of humanity preceding these things.

so, as far as "breaking curses and covenants" as dr. ukpai so eloquently put it, let me share a basic fact of physics--in my opinion the most spiritual scientific discipline there is:

energy is never destroyed, it only changes form.

human beings are, in essence, energy, just like everything else. those ancestral artifacts and sacred sites people are destroying have nothing to do with curses and everything to do with respecting what came before, what allowed them be. i shudder to think what will happen to their children, communal self esteem, and spiritual and moral centers in the coming generations.

i'm aware that capitalism, colonization, and global economies have changed everything. hence, christianity and islam become attractive for the same reasons they were attractive during the initial invasions: survival.

people have to eat. i'm sure that the christian/islamic communities around the world will support these people materially, and that's fine, far as it goes. maybe we'll see a shift when traditionalist communities here are capable of providing a comparable level of financial assistance.

it is also unfortunate that traditional beliefs can be coupled with a crippling lack of education and other equally desperate situations, leading to modern day witch hunts and other tragedies.

i pray that there are some who are savvy enough to syncretize and pass along at least a bit of knowledge (props to catholicism for keeping just enough paganism to make it simple...).

despite the disappointment i feel around these issues, i am convinced that the universe does nothing by accident or coincidence.

maybe the americas are meant to become the epicenter for the african deities because of the access to education and the fulfillment of basic needs.

a place where age-old botanical knowledge can be incorporated into doctor's offices.

where african cosmology can be combined with western astronomy and physics, leading to a greater understanding of our world.

where the hoodoo way can be learned in conjunction with the history and culture of our people so that we are not worried about hunting down witches, but focused on casting spells (i.e., social programs, books, media, curricula) that will strengthen and uplift our people and the world.

i hope i'm not too optimistic.

catharsis #1

trying to figure out how to get out of this funk...

part of it has to do with railing against the boredom.

i need to get back on my prayer schedule.

monday's a full moon. time to get some obstacles out of the way.

an extended fast is in order. i've been avoiding any kind of cleansing because i've convinced myself that i don't have the energy/power to keep it up. that's a lie.

the once-a-week fasting went really well for awhile, but stress and annoyance got me off track. i've been sporadic (at best) for weeks.

i've also gotten sloppy about keeping up the other end of the bargain: sticking to vegan/natural foods when i break the daytime fast. now i just go home and pig out. not ideal.

i need to be clear, but i understand that part of me doesn't want to deal with the energy of clarity. i think i've been afraid of what i'll discover, need, want, or realize if i stay on that level too long.

it's something of a misguided protective mechanism; it's extremely difficult for me to resign myself to sitting here day in and day out when i'm functioning optimally. better to sedate myself with cookies and sit here half awake. the illusion of physical hunger keeps me focused on something other than my goals. i've probably always been a little too resistant to change for my own good.

been thinking more about bodywork lately, but that's another sort of heartbreak. i still feel like i'll make a living at it. one day. but that doesn't change the fact that i need money i don't have to get started.

i can't decide if i would rather go into debt to get licensed and hustle from there, or if i should just get my ducks in a row now so i'll be free & clear later.

...well, maybe that's not so difficult. free and clear sounds much better to me. i'm not a good hustler.

i need to move my body. i have to find a way to fit yoga back into my schedule/budget. find a dance class. been saying it for months now, but i really need to make it a priority. i'm certain that my lack of movement is contributing to this feeling of stagnation. moving my body and keeping my energy aligned will whip my mental and spiritual faculties into shape.

there's so much more to this...

i have to become unafraid of opening the floodgates.

repression leads to extremes of implosion and explosion--modes i want to avoid.

i need a way to scream, cry, release. i haven't given myself space to do that. sometimes i don't know if i remember how to.

there has to be a way to vent frustration and progress at the same time.

the magdalene

...and jesus had a wife (c) saul williams

...peter added:
"how is it possible that the teacher talked in this manner with a woman about secrets of which we ourselves are ignorant? must we change our customs, and listen to this woman? did he really choos her, and prefer her to us?"

then mary wept, and answered him:
"my brother peter, what can you be thinking? do you believe that this is just my own imagination, that i invented this vision? or do you believe that i would lie about our teacher?"

at this, levi spoke up:
"peter, you have always been hot-tempered, and now we see you repudiating a woman, just as our adversaries do. yet if the teacher held her worthy, who are you to reject her?

~the gospel of mary magdalene, p.17, v. 14-20; p.18, v.1-12

militant moment

it's afternoons like these when i think about the indignities my ancestors suffered just trying to make a living in this culture...

i reflect on the fact that one of my grandfather's best friends worked for decades at & retired from the post office 'cause he couldn't find work as a chemist...

the thousands of african women whose genius went unnoticed because "women don't do ___________"...and "nigger women DEFINITELY don't do _________."

when i make it--and i will--i'm sure that some here will marvel and think "i didn't know she could do THAT" or "i knew her 'when'"...

no, you didn't know me "when".
i always WAS.

your little brain just couldn't comprehend the vastness sitting at this desk.