it ain't over til it's over...


hm. ok then.
bring it on.
i'm ready to fight.

i suppose i should explain.

you might think it's romantic to be "fought over".
but it's really not all it's cracked up to be.

i have been fortunate enough to love very deeply and have that love returned.

right now, that love involves two very different, highly determined, and very much in-love-with-me men.

now, not surprisingly, i've come to a point where i have to choose.

i could go into detail about why both of them are important, why i love both of them, etc.

but the longer i did that, the crazier it would sound....well, maybe not if it were a book or a movie.

but this is my life.
and theirs.

there was nothing purposeful about this.
it didn't start off as a game gone wrong.
nor some sort of "i wonder what would happen if..."

still, as i sit here, i hold the hearts of two beautiful people in my hands.

and i have to make a choice.






that's about all.


happy solstice

all thanks & praise to the Universe for guiding me through another change of seasons...i gratefully celebrate the return of the sun. ashe.

i just wanted to wish y'all (i.e. anybody who reads this) joyous holidays & what not. i don't really do xmas, but i always enjoy acknowledging and celebrating new beginnings.

so, whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you celebrate
celebrate well
and long
and safely
surrounded by blood family
new family
or adopted family
and anyone and anything else you love.

may the new year bring you all continued peace and blessings.
trust in the Universe. It knows what It's doing.


love & light,



goings on

ok, so even if katrina was "weaker" than they thought, does it matter?

does this mean that people are going to have to fight harder to get what they need?

i mean, seriously...i can just see the excuses formulating in mofo's heads...

new york's on lockdown...interesting how people take things for granted...and how much power the "little people" can truly have when they exercise it.

more on tookie...

shit meets fan...

and, on a lighter note, some humorous reading.


dreaming of a white christmas?

so are they.

more on the women for aryan unity.

you might also want to investigate the roots of aryan history as pertains to india. and the origins of the swastika symbol.

off schedule

well, due to my sojourn to philly this weekend, i was thrown off task. so the fast will have to start this evening...first full day will be tomorrow.

i had hoped to be a couple of days into it by the solstice, but oh well. everything for a reason.

this post isn't gonna have a whole lot of cohesiveness to it, so...

there is housecleaning to be done. i didn't get a chance to do it like i should have before i left, so it's just there, staring me in the face. if i don't get to it any other time this week, thursday evening or friday are probably my best bets.

aside from making the cookies, i am still at a loss to figure out what the hell to get anyone for xmas. this isn't really a problem from an emotional standpoint, as i really don't officially celebrate anyway, but it is as good a time as any to give a little something to the ppl i love. so i take advantage. we'll see how my time and pockets hold up.

i am realizing that i am very much loved and in love. and i'm enjoying every minute of it. even the scary parts.

i miss being able to listen to music at an appropriate volume (at work, that is).

confession: i just bought de la soul's stakes is high sunday afternoon (why the fuck don't they have an official site? huh?). yes, i'm a bad b-girl. i know.

actually, there are a lot of hip hop "classics" that i don't yet own. although i am of the appropriate generation, i came into the love of hip hop pretty damn late. i was raised on r&b. shoot me. if you have any suggestions for other hip hop albums i should own or be disowned, please leave them in the comments section.

i think that's it for now...i feel a little more poetry coming on, so maybe i'll share. maybe.



i'm angry again.

after everything that was said to me yesterday (the Divine speaks thru those closest to you...if you need a prayer answered, get into a deep convo with a friend. i'm not kidding.)...i dunno. i'm chafing at the bit again.

i know i can't afford to get too numb or too comfortable. but how do i survive and remain aware?

it's amazing the skin i have to stuff myself in just to keep from sitting at my desk and screaming uncontrollably. or shooting someone every time they tell me to order, copy, fix, coordinate, or explain something.

whenever i have enough time to think, i remember this.

i'm realizing now that i've been burying little pieces of myself, waiting for the appropriate moment or time to reveal them again.

i hid them away for safekeeping

because it wasn't going to get me a "real" job.
because i had to make some money.
so my intuition couldn't take over.
because i had to eat.
because i had to starve.
so i wouldn't drive him away.
so i wouldn't bring him closer.
because there was no money to travel.
because i don't think i'm worth it.
because they said it wasn't worth it.
someone else could always do it better.
because i don't trust my visions.
because i wanted to be "normal".
i was stuck in traffic.
because my inspiration is often pain.
i hated all my notebooks and everything in them.
because she thought i couldn't.
because no one's going to send me back to therapy.

i didn't even realize it was happening. but by the time i identified the sickness for what it was, i was on something close to a deathbed.

it's not really safekeeping when the possibility of each little thing creeping back out of the soil terrifies you.

i'm tired now.
something's dying and i want to save it.

i am closed.
i want to open.
i can't afford to stay as drunk/high as i feel i'd need to be to survive more self-imposed repression. self-mutilation and suicide aren't options.

i'm afraid of what will happen to me if i don't have a breakthrough.
and i'm equally afraid of what will happen if i do.

i believe that this, ladies & gents, is what is commonly known as a crisis.



real talk

from a convo with a friend who enjoys kicking my ass when i need it...(thank heaven). it's been edited for typos and some clarity, but nothing else.

i'm posting this for everyone who may be in the same boat i am. if you don't have a friend of similar persuasion, print it out. put it somewhere. tack it to your forehead.

hell, i know it's not easy. if it were that easy, i wouldn't have to have read-heard this speech right along with you. i'm trying to convince myself, too.

but if you can sense your impending implosion like i can, which one is worse? seriously.

this is what i've learned and i've tried to get this in the heads of as many people as possible: once u get paid to do what you do, it makes you really figure out if u want to keep doing it. not because money means a lot, but because you can see the value that others give to what u write. it makes it more than a hobby or therapy. it gives it another dimension and you can sometimes gauge whether or not you like that other aspect of it. u see it in a different light.

i mean i've told a few people this, and i hate to rehash this speech for you, but...here goes.

some people use drugs and stuff to enhance this experience. THIS IS IT. nothing is going to give you a better trip then living. honestly. u have 5 senses that are bringing you information.

your eyes are giving you imax, hd, trillions of colors, dozens of different spectrums.

your ears are giving you dolby 17.2 sound, in stereo with surround...no sound system invented will ever deliver that kind of quality.

you get to wake up to a new trip everyday.

no low from smoking or shooting up or whatever will ever compare to what life offers, but the flip side is no high will ever touch life's either.

this is it. you have the ability to shape, alter and create every experience you have. it's the ultimate rush. get comfortable in your skin: it's yours for the entire trip.

the last thing you want to do is be much older with the "should have", "could have", "wished i would have"...this is it. you are creating your memories every day. every sec for when you are sitting still thinking about what the next phase has to offer. that's the point.

you are damn talented--DAMN TALENTED--you don't have to deny that. you don't have to try to conform or just fit in. you shouldn't. you have that gift for a reason. you can touch people in ways just by what you write. that is power. power to bend this reality. it sounds like some sci-fi shit, but it's true.

what i'm saying you already know...you have writers who are immortal because of what they wrote. people whose [descendants] never have to lift a finger because of what they wrote before they were born..that's the truth. u know i'm not wrong. u have the tool to reshape your world.

i mean, u may not aspire to riches or whatever, but you have the ability to find a place in this world where you can be creative and where this world will reward you for that. the rewards could be never being stressed about paying a bill, not being stressed about getting up to get to a job that you dislike if you don't wanna. i mean, that's what i see your talent as.

people learn by what they read and what they see. tv and movies educate so many people on relating to each other, but those 2 forms are only possible because of writers. u r a writer. do you really get that power? not to mention when people hear a story or get an idea from a writer that shows them a new idea or way of seeing the world around them. that's power.

if u give up on that i will kick your ass.

one of the reasons y i h8 rap right now is because these people have the entire world's attenton and they are only feeding them more garbage instead of helping them.

can u imagine if 50cent said something positive?

could you imagine if you had the ability to get your views heard by a million people? that's what u have to fight for. to be heard. u have something to say.

no one feels the pain and the joy in the way that u do, but they can relate if u tell them what u went though. that helps people. that's all im sayin...i mean u do a book and one person reads it that thought they were all alone...it's comforting to feel like you are not the only one going through some of life's experiences. no one is on earth alone, but everyone is on their own. that's the reality of a lot of people. yaknow...what u do helps to bridge that gap.

do u really think human exsistence would last without the written word? we can't communicate with pictures alone. you are a WRITER, a scribe...shit...im getting frustrated over here.


why i love my honey

last night he made me laugh
tummy hurtin
cantcatchbreath laughter
...this was
just before he offered
to oil my skin
simply because i said
the winter air was making me uncomfortable.

and here i was
supposedly caring for him
('cause he's the one with the cold)

i don't think i've ever felt so beautiful.

i guess i'd better marry him someday. 'cause i ain't finna have some other broad reapin' my benefits.


spirit notes

you know how sometimes you need a little Spirit in your life? i picked up my book of rumi poems last week, and i've been reading ever since...

a favorite from this morning:

...i am apart from all that.
ways of worshiping are not to be ranked as better
or worse than one another...
it's not me that's glorified in acts of worship.
it's the worshipers! i don't hear the words
they say. i look inside at the humility.
that broken-open lowliness is the reality, not the language! forget phraseology.

i adore the concept of closeness to God...the notion that god is a mystery and/or can never be understood has never been logical or feasible to me.

i think the Universe craves understanding and knowledge. attempting to understand the Divine in relevant & personal ways brings us closer to understanding ourselves.

whatever medium you use to achieve that understanding, as long as it is done in the spirit of love, devotion, and humility, becomes Divine in the process. if you see God in everything, you begin to create your paradise.


on: tookie

of course, people are talking...

whether he was guilty or innocent (that is, of the crimes that landed him on death row...no one can deny the damage gangs have done all over urban areas in this nation and around the world...), i do agree that an important opportunity was missed.

how anyone expected the terminator to catch on to that is beyond me. but i digress.

the bottom line here is the lack of a learning curve. mainstream america refuses to see that men like tookie are some of the few who can reach these troubled kids. they're the "heroes", the hood legends. the men and women 90% of rappers wish they were.

to some of our youth, these ppl aren't just the baddest motherfuckers on the block. they're also fathers. cousins. sons. lovers. brothers. and, whether we want to accept it or not, the only role models they have.

tookie's story could have been used as an example of the possibility of life after (social/spiritual) death. redemption. salvation.

instead, he's now just one more pillar of the "no matter what i do, i'm worthless to them anyway....so fuck it" school of social justice.

way to go, america.



i've heard this brother speak on a few occasions...we need more out there like him.

i truly believe that many of the young men we're losing will only listen to someone who's been there and back.

it's gotta stop.


down there

so i watched the vagina monologues for the first time last night (dvd, not the show itself), so i was thinking about some of the questions she asked the women in the documentary segments...

if your vagina could talk, what would it say?
i'm good

what would your vagina wear?
um...probably a lot of silk, cashmere, and satin.

when was the first time someone hurt your vagina?
i'm not quite sure...but i do remember when i learned that i could physically rebel against someone who wasn't good for me, even when i tried to ignore that fact.

interestingly enough, i'm finding that a lot of my openness with my body has to do with not being told things. i was never told not to touch it. i was never told it was bad or ugly or whatever. it just...was.

conversely, i wasn't beat over the head with the beauty of it all, either.

i was allowed to discover and explore a lot of things without condemnation or shame...for myself, not thru the eyes of someone else.

no, it wasn't because my parents were ultra-liberal hippies or back-to-nature fanatics. there were just more important things. like...school. or (for my father) keeping the doors locked at night.

when it came time to talk about sex, it was a perfectly natural thing. a thing that could have consequences, but nothing to be particularly hung up or ashamed about.

i'm glad for that.


well, i found a few more things...

guess these folks don't realize that christmas was never about christ. i was amped to see a pentagram among someone's holiday lights last night. at least they know the real reason for the season. right on.

just to get you started:

One of the generals on the pro-Christmas side is Tim Wildmon, president of the American Family Association in Tupelo, Miss. "Sometimes it's hard to tell whether this is sinister -- it's the purging of Christ from Christmas -- or whether it's just political correctness run amok," he said. "I think in the case of the White House, it's just political correctness."

Retail boycotts
Wildmon does not give retailers the same benefit of the doubt. This year, he has called for a consumer boycott of Target stores because the chain issued a holiday advertising circular that did not mention Christmas. Last year, he aimed a similar boycott at Macy's Inc., which averted a repeat this December by proclaiming "Merry Christmas" in its advertising and in-store displays.

"It bothers me that the White House card leaves off any reference to Jesus, while we've got Ramadan celebrations in the White House," Wildmon said. "What's going on there?"

yeah. basically.

(and before you get freaked out about pentagrams read on...)

more strife for baltimore's schools...

katrina's winds are still blowing...

etc etc.

sperm doesn't like soy?

i was shown this article today...

i--and so do many holistic practitioners--maintain that a veggie/vegan diet is ideal for most colored folk around the planet. centuries of evolution has a little bit of a say in some things, ya know.

eh. whatever. i'm not interested in (having any) babies at the moment anyway.


i'm back...

but i don't have a whole lot to say...yet.

stay tuned.


just a little update

ok so i'm off work this week (yay!), and since i am still without technology at home, you won't see me much until next week.

but i've got some cool shit in the works...

i would say more, but i wanna finish up my panang (w/ tofu, of course. and i can't really taste any fish sauce either...but it's so damn good that if it's there, i don't care. if you're in the md/va/dc area, check out cafe asia if you get a chance) before i have to run off to yoga class, plus i have to get home and change clothes first and...

you get the idea.

but let me just say that while i'm happy for a sista's success & all, tyra gets on my damn nerves. probably just my personal problem. but i'm interested in tomorrow's show...

see y'all sometime after 12/5.

love & peace

(p.s....if this tour is coming to a city near you, GO, DAMMIT, GO)


so the restaurant we were gonna hit is closed....

dude's checking on another option....

we may wind up just holed up in the kitchen together...which wouldn't be such a bad thing.

no thanks to thanksgiving

One indication of moral progress in the United States would be the replacement of Thanksgiving Day and its self-indulgent family feasting with a National Day of Atonement accompanied by a self-reflective collective fasting.

In fact, indigenous people have offered such a model; since 1970 they have marked the fourth Thursday of November as a Day of Mourning in a spiritual/political ceremony on Coles Hill overlooking Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts, one of the early sites of the European invasion of the Americas.

Not only is the thought of such a change in this white-supremacist holiday impossible to imagine, but the very mention of the idea sends most Americans into apoplectic fits -- which speaks volumes about our historical hypocrisy and its relation to the contemporary politics of empire in the United States.

That the world's great powers achieved "greatness" through criminal brutality on a grand scale is not news, of course. That those same societies are reluctant to highlight this history of barbarism also is predictable.

But in the United States, this reluctance to acknowledge our original sin -- the genocide of indigenous people -- is of special importance today. It's now routine -- even among conservative commentators -- to describe the United States as an empire, so long as everyone understands we are an inherently benevolent one. Because all our history contradicts that claim, history must be twisted and tortured to serve the purposes of the powerful.

you can read the entire article here.


antiques roadshow and thanks(for nothing)giving

i like antiques roadshow. it's rather neat to see people come in with something they paid $2 for that winds up being worth over $10,000. every thrift store shopper and garage sale-addict's dream, right?

but sometimes i'm a little disturbed by the finds and heirlooms folks bring in.

last night they were in oklahoma city, and various references came up regarding indian territory. according to wikipedia:

The Indian Territory served as the destination for the policy of Indian Removal, a policy pursued intermittently by American presidents early in the nineteenth century, but aggressively pursued by President Andrew Jackson after the passage of the Indian Removal Act of 1830. The Five Civilized Tribes in the south were the most prominent tribes displaced by the policy, a relocation that came to be known as the Trail of Tears. The trail ended in what is now Arkansas and Oklahoma, where there were already many American Indians living in the territory, as well as whites and escaped slaves. Other tribes, such as the Delaware, Cheyenne, and Apache were also forced to relocate to the Indian territory.

The Five Civilized Tribes set up towns such as Tulsa, Ardmore, Tahlequah, Muskogee and others, which often became some of the larger towns in the state. They also brought their African slaves to Oklahoma, which added to the African-American population in the state.

In time the Indian Territory was gradually reduced to what is now Oklahoma and, with the organization of Oklahoma Territory, the eastern half of the state. The citizens of Indian Territory tried in 1905 to gain admission to the union as the State of Sequoyah but were rebuffed by Washington. With statehood in November 1907, Indian Territory was extinguished. Many American Indians continue to live in Oklahoma, especially in the eastern part.

my mother recently saw an episode where a pair of native american moccasins was appraised at something like $25,000. apparently it's rare to find artifacts from these people, and they had never been worn.

she said that she would put the shoes up for auction and give the money back to the nation who made them.

it would be nice if you heard that more often, wouldn't it?

it's easy for some to forget how this country was built and whose homes were trampled upon to expand this nation from the atlantic to the pacific. this history has left us with a salad bowl--not a melting pot, imo--of peoples and tensions that have never been properly explored, examined, healed, or even revealed. there are too many who do not understand their stake in this land from a holistic perspective.

everyone resting on this land has a story to tell.

which leads me, naturally, to the upcoming holiday season.

please consider the spirit, if not the practice, of buy nothing day. i touched on the idea of a sustainable future yesterday. at the rate we're going, we don't have a great chance at said future.

there are some of us who are able to downshift and simply won't hear of the idea of giving up the pretty baubles we enjoy from day to day.

be thankful for the real things in life...the things that don't cost a dime, and that you'd still have even if you were dirt broke and living in a crappy studio apartment like the one you had in college.

and if none of those things have a presence in your life, reevaluate.

that said, i hope everyone reading this winds up with a full belly and good memories by thursday evening. do everything you can to skip the drama (whatever that may mean for you & yours) this holiday season.



and on another note....

why do they always have to have these massive layoffs just before the holidays? are you telling me they couldn't have waited a month and a half?? not that anything would truly soften the blow...

i suppose it has something to do with clearing things up by the end of the fiscal year, but nobody wants to hear that bullshit.

america is determined to shoot herself in the foot. we are not keeping up with the times, and it's beginning to show.

unless we wanna wind up in paris' shoes, it's time to wake up, folks.

two americas

what the hell is up with fresno?

This city at the heart of the richest farmland in the world has been poor for so long, no one can remember it otherwise. Last month, when the Brookings Institution issued a report that said a higher proportion of poor people in Fresno lived in areas of concentrated poverty than in any other major city in the country - pre-Katrina New Orleans was number two - no one here was surprised...

...[Fresno mayor Alan] Autry said that although officials have no idea how many illegal immigrants live in Fresno (the city is about 45 percent Latino, mostly Mexican, with a rising number of Hmong refugees), 20 percent of the people in the county jails are illegal immigrants. About one quarter of emergency room visits are from illegal immigrants and the vast majority of the tenants in the worst housing in the worst neighborhoods are immigrants, presumably including illegal immigrants.

"If we don't have a policy that allows an immigrant to come across with their dignity and their respect as well as their work ethic, we're going to pay an awful price," Autry said. "We already are."...

But illegal immigration...cannot be blamed for all of Fresno's woes. As those fleeing the skyrocketing housing prices in Southern California and the San Francisco Bay area have converged here in the past three years, land and housing prices have increased by nearly 60 percent... Meanwhile, rents have increased by nearly 15 percent.

i'm still amazed at the fact that i can go to a store full of food on any given day and buy just about anything i want, and there may be someone in the apartment next to mine half starved.

ppl are still jumping over the border (well, the border that jumped them anyway) to get to this country because they want something better for their children. but i'm sure it hurts more when their babies turn against them in favor of the ruthless and sometimes soulless "american way".

what's the win-win solution for these immigrants?

how can they stake out a living for themselves without having to succumb to the vices and pitfalls of american culture?

is a hovel in america really better than a shack at home?

is there some way to improve their quality of life at home so that they don't have to go thru heartache here?

where does the sustainable future for us all lie?

obviously, i can't speak to what would make these people risk life & limb to get here. still, when i hear that ppl in other lands are still telling their children about our gold-paved streets, all i can think--as the descendent of kidnapped and bound "immigrants"--is that slavery due to socioeconomic factors is really not a whole lot different from chattel slavery.

granted, at least they willingly came, but the freedom of poverty is even less than the freedom of being human property.

i don't know. just rambling.



have you ever had a moment where your happiness depended on the pain of another?

it is not an easy thing to endure.
particularly when you love that person deeply.


pensées aléatoires

~i'm finding out what a gift it was to have parents devoted to making me feel loved, safe, and secure. not only that...they valued my personhood enough to allow me to become myself. and all this was done without turning me into an insufferable braggart, stuck-up shrew, or spoiled brat.

~i don't have nearly enough sex. my winter solstice present to myself will most likely be a new toy. or two.

~my current job bores me to tears. speaking of jobs, i've only really had "jobs". i have not embarked on any particular career path in my life. i think i'm getting to a point where i need that to change.

~cable knit sweaters = heaven. i also want more heavy shawls/wraps. and a new winter coat which i will probably get from a thrift store to avoid the cookie cutter effect.

~i said i was going to do some work in 5 minutes about an hour ago...

~my camera needs to become a part of my body. part of my tax return may go towards a decent analog cam and plenty of black & white film. i also have digital shots that need to be printed up.

~seen on the train: blk man with huge green rasta crown and silver studio-sized headphones. khaki burlap bag. jeans. earth-brown skin. boots. looked more new york than baltimore. i had an overwhelming desire to know who he was & where he came from.

~i'm fasting for the next solstice.

~i want the poems to come back. and the stories. i need to organize and consolidate my work. i want to stop fighting my creativity and use it instead.

~investment in more tams/crowns soon come...i'm still feeling the need to cover. i feel naked without a headwrap these days.

~i am caught between two worlds.

~my new laptop needs to be easily portable. i wanna do more work outside or at least in places like restaurants and coffeehouses. that's the energy that will keep me going. photoshop will be a must.

~i plan on getting fairly drunk friday night...probably because it'll be the last time i do so for awhile. but i still plan on cutting out most alcohol by age 30.


all i wanna do tonight

is sit with him, maybe watch a movie...listen to some music...
fall asleep in his arms...
wake up to his smile in the morning...

but instead i'm gonna wind up cleaning the apartment and playing with the cat.

*sigh* oh well.
i could always hop out for a drink later, tho...

have a blessed weekend, y'all.


say what?

as seen on alternet...i haven't read this in its entirety, so i'll leave those with a stake in the discussion to speak amongst themselves.

Catholic Church no longer swears by truth of the Bible

By Ruth Gledhill, Religion Correspondent

THE hierarchy of the Roman Catholic Church has published a teaching document instructing the faithful that some parts of the Bible are not actually true.

The Catholic bishops of England, Wales and Scotland are warning their five million worshippers, as well as any others drawn to the study of scripture, that they should not expect “total accuracy” from the Bible.

“We should not expect to find in Scripture full scientific accuracy or complete historical precision,” they say in The Gift of Scripture.

The document is timely, coming as it does amid the rise of the religious Right, in particular in the US.

Some Christians want a literal interpretation of the story of creation, as told in Genesis, taught alongside Darwin’s theory of evolution in schools, believing “intelligent design” to be an equally plausible theory of how the world began.

But the first 11 chapters of Genesis, in which two different and at times conflicting stories of creation are told, are among those that this country’s Catholic bishops insist cannot be “historical”. At most, they say, they may contain “historical traces”.

The document shows how far the Catholic Church has come since the 17th century, when Galileo was condemned as a heretic for flouting a near-universal belief in the divine inspiration of the Bible by advocating the Copernican view of the solar system. Only a century ago, Pope Pius X condemned Modernist Catholic scholars who adapted historical-critical methods of analysing ancient literature to the Bible.

In the document, the bishops acknowledge their debt to biblical scholars. They say the Bible must be approached in the knowledge that it is “God’s word expressed in human language” and that proper acknowledgement should be given both to the word of God and its human dimensions.

They say the Church must offer the gospel in ways “appropriate to changing times, intelligible and attractive to our contemporaries”.

The Bible is true in passages relating to human salvation, they say, but continue: “We should not expect total accuracy from the Bible in other, secular matters.”

They go on to condemn fundamentalism for its “intransigent intolerance” and to warn of “significant dangers” involved in a fundamentalist approach.

“Such an approach is dangerous, for example, when people of one nation or group see in the Bible a mandate for their own superiority, and even consider themselves permitted by the Bible to use violence against others.”

Of the notorious anti-Jewish curse in Matthew 27:25, “His blood be on us and on our children”, a passage used to justify centuries of anti-Semitism, the bishops say these and other words must never be used again as a pretext to treat Jewish people with contempt. Describing this passage as an example of dramatic exaggeration, the bishops say they have had “tragic consequences” in encouraging hatred and persecution. “The attitudes and language of first-century quarrels between Jews and Jewish Christians should never again be emulated in relations between Jews and Christians.”

As examples of passages not to be taken literally, the bishops cite the early chapters of Genesis, comparing them with early creation legends from other cultures, especially from the ancient East. The bishops say it is clear that the primary purpose of these chapters was to provide religious teaching and that they could not be described as historical writing.

Similarly, they refute the apocalyptic prophecies of Revelation, the last book of the Christian Bible, in which the writer describes the work of the risen Jesus, the death of the Beast and the wedding feast of Christ the Lamb.

The bishops say: “Such symbolic language must be respected for what it is, and is not to be interpreted literally. We should not expect to discover in this book details about the end of the world, about how many will be saved and about when the end will come.”

In their foreword to the teaching document, the two most senior Catholics of the land, Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O’Connor, Archbishop of Westminster, and Cardinal Keith O’Brien, Archbishop of St Andrew’s and Edinburgh, explain its context.

They say people today are searching for what is worthwhile, what has real value, what can be trusted and what is really true.

The new teaching has been issued as part of the 40th anniversary celebrations of Dei Verbum, the Second Vatican Council document explaining the place of Scripture in revelation. In the past 40 years, Catholics have learnt more than ever before to cherish the Bible. “We have rediscovered the Bible as a precious treasure, both ancient and ever new.”

A Christian charity is sending a film about the Christmas story to every primary school in Britain after hearing of a young boy who asked his teacher why Mary and Joseph had named their baby after a swear word. The Breakout Trust raised £200,000 to make the 30-minute animated film, It’s a Boy. Steve Legg, head of the charity, said: “There are over 12 million children in the UK and only 756,000 of them go to church regularly.

That leaves a staggering number who are probably not receiving basic Christian teaching.”



Genesis ii, 21-22

So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept he took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh; and the rib which the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man

Genesis iii, 16

God said to the woman [after she was beguiled by the serpent]: “I will greatly multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children, yet your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.”

Matthew xxvii, 25

The words of the crowd: “His blood be on us and on our children.”

Revelation xix,20

And the beast was captured, and with it the false prophet who in its presence had worked the signs by which he deceived those who had received the mark of the beast and those who worshipped its image. These two were thrown alive into the lake of fire that burns with brimstone.”


Exodus iii, 14

God reveals himself to Moses as: “I am who I am.”

Leviticus xxvi,12

“I will be your God, and you shall be my people.”

Exodus xx,1-17

The Ten Commandments

Matthew v,7

The Sermon on the Mount

Mark viii,29

Peter declares Jesus to be the Christ

Luke i

The Virgin Birth

John xx,28

Proof of bodily resurrection



i had a dream that i was gazing into a man's eyes...they were indigo-blue and flecked with black....

it was like i could see the entire universe in them.

i felt connected to him somehow...i didn't know/recognize him, but he seemed to have feelings for me. i wanted to look at him forever.

he started to tell me about how he was somewhere doing something that was important to him, and he looked out into the crowd and i wasn't there.

and he cried.

i held him. i could sense how comforted he was by that. his calm seeped over to me.

but in a nice way.

santa, my baby, and me

i've had a friend--as the old folks say--for the past several years.

we love each other and all...but it hasn't been easy.

...not that i expect it to be easy. i've had my share of relationships and probably more than my share of soulmate-worthy experiences, yet even at my most hopeful and naive, i've never expected easy.

but this experience has been...unique. to put it mildly.

e.g., for the last 2 new years of our relationship, by dec. 31st we've either been barely speaking or not together at all.

i'm beginning to realize how things that have happened over the course of those years have--from my point of view--stunted our growth. not to mention made me more shell-shocked (vs. increasingly comfortable) as time goes by.

i mean...first of all, i'm not an off/on kinda woman. either you're in or your out. the fact that we've broken up twice (three times? who's counting...) and bounced back for more has been distressing enough. i've always said that i was NEVER going to be that woman...

but i digress.

the holidays have been our special kind of hell.

as the season approaches once again, i can't help but get a little nervous--even if we did spit our annual quota of venom out over the last part of the summer.

most of you reading can probably tell by now that i don't put a lot of stock into the holiday season, at least not from any religious/material point of view. but it is a time when i get to see family i don't always see, maybe eat some good food, exchange some gifts, and have some fun.

i'm also very used to my significant other factoring into said time period in one way or another. it's just a part of being part of my life. adult commitment. or so i thought.

suffice it to say that i've walked into some land mines with this man.

one thing leads to another and before you know it, a whole year's worth of issues have snowballed into "why can't you just come to..." or "why can't i go with you when..."

as i said: it hasn't been easy.

still, with all that, we have grown.
and i still love him.
and he still loves me.

so here's to hoping that we can make it to dec. 31, 2005 intact, in love, and in friendship.




if you can get your hands on this book, do so.

(note: used bookstores and libraries are probably your best bet...if you find it on amazon or ebay, you're going to probably pay $40+ for it. $30something if you're lucky)

i'm less of a 1/3 of the way through this, but it's an astounding study. if you weren't satisfied with, say, the isis papers, i highly suggest this instead.

ani's ideas--so far, anyway--are not so much controversial as they are a means of de-programming and stepping outside of the usual boundaries of what blk people are exposed to regarding themselves, their worldview, and their culture. we desperately need more scholarship like this.

if you and those around you just can't seem to "fit in", yurugu may hold some answers.



i'm learning something about myself...

i don't hold grudges.
forgiveness comes easily

but i don't forget.
not for a second.

if my first impression of you is less than stellar, i'm always going to have that in the back of my mind.

...that doesn't mean i hold anything against you.
but i won't put anything past you, either.

hence, i am rarely surprised.

when ppl tell you who they are, listen.


the tao of hip hop

i'm realizing that i haven't really listened to a lot of my hip hop cds.
i mean, truly listened.

being in love with a man who's in love with hip hop has made me rethink my associations with it.

largely i think my affiliation with hip hop is circumstance. born in the right place at the right time.

i know hip hop because i'm a child of the late 70s.
i love it because i was old enough to go to parties by the mid-late 90s.

but it was all by default. i didn't work for it.

i'm a work now, listening to a roots cd at some barely audible level--god knows why, it's not like there's anyone in the office with me at the moment.

this is definitely music made for headphones.
urban meditations.

back in college when i had my discman on at all times is when i think i truly took the time to really hear my music...

now, unless i'm at home, it just seems like a way to keep my brain from bleeding from my ears during the workday.




mother/guiding light,

i know i am in the wrong place at the right time.

i realize that i am not living my potential, nor am i truly utilizing or embracing my talents as i should. there is somewhere i need to be...

the path is cloudy and my world tenuous.

help me reveal my best self to mySelf.

i am confident that i have all i need to "make it". it is my birthright--all i need to do is reclaim it. return to my child-mind.

i am listening to my dreams, but the manifestation is slow.

assist me in shoving myself out of my own Way.

i am thankful for the opportunity to meet like-minded sisters despite distance. a fellowship beyond words.

i am grateful for those who support me, even when they do not understand me. please open the way for more understanding. constant teaching and explanation is beginning to wear on me.

allow me to find more ways to make time for expansion and refute the walls imposed around me.

enable my blossoming.


it's become my practice/habit to pray in my journals...there are a few where you'd find pages-long entreaties to God or whoever else might be listening.

since i've had my altar, i'm in the habit of writing them down and placing them there before bed, generally with a white candle burning and a request for illuminating dreams.

this didn't "flow" nearly as well as i would have liked it to (damn always having to blog at work...), but i think i got the appropriate sentiment across.

She Lives

as seen on her site...

Goddess Mantra
(by Sister Goddess Michelle)

I am a Goddess.
I am responsible for my own happiness and pleasure.
I will let go of regret. I will let go of regret.
This is my life and I chose it.
I am in full command of my destiny.
I will not force memories upon myself that set me back.
I will look forward and anticipate my happiness.

I will live without regret.
I will embrace my gorgeousness, my magnetism, my
magnificence, my effervescence.
I will surround myself with people who appreciate me
and inspire me to go higher.
I will listen to great music and I will sing.
I will continue to learn.
I will practice yoga.
I will spread joy.
I will have frequent orgasms.
I will put my pleasure first.
I will be captivating.
I am fabulous and I know it and I will be it.
I am unafraid and I am not a victim.
I will make things happen, I will shake things up.
I will make a difference.
I will follow through.
I will dance often and decorate myself.
I will let myself be happy.
I will have faith in the order or the world and
I will stake my place in it.

Because no one can do this for me.
I must do this for me.
I am for me...others will follow.

re-posted from...mama gena's school of womanly arts


on: hair

today my locs are 4 years old.

like most black women, my hair has never been "just hair".

my mother fought with it for half-the-day-long grooming sessions....

straightening comb (i never could blowdry my hair "straight")

my hair has always grown very long very quickly. up until i was about 11 years old, it reached about halfway down my back....something like midway between my shoulder and my elbow. although people tend to think of it as thick, it's not especially so. i just have a lot of it.

people have always praised my hair, even though it was never what you'd call "good"...sometimes because it was so healthy, other times it was the length or the unusual natural highlights.

i loved it too, but somewhere deep down, i always wanted it just left alone.

i hated the hours spent in a hair salon, and perms always burned the hell out of my scalp. i did, however, enjoy the specialness of the ritual. i really bonded with my stylist (who also did my mother's hair), and eventually she found a relaxer (funny how i never found them relaxing...) that didn't burn...

and things were ok.
for awhile.

sometime between high school and college, i wondered what MY hair looked like.

i started noticing more and more women with locs and other natural styles. i wondered what my hair would do if given the chance. i got tired of the wash/blowdry/flatiron routine and the tons of stuff it took just to do my hair every other week.

of course, my mother swore that my natural hair was a "mess" and that it wasn't worth trying. and what would i do with it anyway?

but i let it roll around in the back of my mind...

by the time i graduated college in 2000, i was equipped with a ton of knowledge about my heritage and my culture. i'd met vegetarians...and people who were simply vehemenly anti-pork. hindus with taboos against beef. people who knew a little something about herbal cures and magic.

it was a time where i came into an understanding of things that, until that point, i only thought of as my speculations and dreams.

meanwhile, i'd become close friends with a man with hair halfway down his back who gave me a good amount of personal insight into the locing process--both literal and figurative.

once, he asked me once to twist his dreads for him when he couldn't get home for his sister to do it. before that, although i'd always been drawn to them, i'd never come within 10 feet of a head full of locs, let alone seen a tub of beeswax with the honeycomb still in it.

once i got back to baltimore i decided once and for all: no more perms. and i never looked back.

after doing some research--and despite my mother's very loud objections--i felt ready to consider growing my own "antennae". i decided i'd start my locs at 30...an age i'd picked for a few other commitments.

but i hadn't counted on how fast my hair would grow.

so, 4 years ago today, after about a year of natural growth and 2 sets of individual braids, i walked into dreadz n headz and said, "i'd like to start my locs today, please."

i remember the stylist who started them, and how she had the most beautiful hair i'd ever seen. the smell of beeswax, natural hair oils, and the adrinka symbols all over the walls.

i knew then as i know now: this is it. these locs will never leave me.

i am not a rasta, but i have always understood--at times only instinctively--the connections between my temple and my Self.

i came to a point in my womanhood where i needed the outer to reflect the inner, and i knew that my experiences and attraction to the "style" were not just a passing phase.

(sorry, mom.)

i have never regretted my choice.

they are far more than just "hair". they are my statement to myself and the world of my dedication to a natural way of living, my heritage, and truly being ok with who i am.

i encourage ALL my sisters to try going natural at least once. even if it's just for a few months.

get to know your true Self as evidenced through your (literal) roots. don't feed in to all the bullshit as far as who and what ppl will think you are just because you sport a 'fro for a minute--do it because you want to reconnect with something beyond you. it is a process that leads you into full womanhood.

not all of us will go thru it thru our hair, but, regardless of your method, be sure to remain conscious of it. cry with it, sit with it, laugh thru it.

my path isn't necessarily your path, but the destination is the same.



really enjoyed this article

i've posted some excerpts below, but you can click here to read in its entirety

Interviewer: And yet the people in Nickel and Dimed, who were closer to real poverty than the people in Bait and Switch, seemed to have more rebelliousness, more defiance.

Barbara Ehrenreich: That was my experience. It's of course not necessarily statistically true, just in the settings I was in. But I did find that the blue-collar workers were more willing to express defiance, even if only in small ways: making faces at the boss behind her back or making sarcastic remarks. In blue-collar work, there is a larger gap between the worker and the manager. You aren't required to be as socialized, just to obey.

In blue-collar jobs, they mostly just want to know if you are taking drugs or are a convicted felon. But in the white-collar world, there's much more probing of your personality and they want one specific personality: someone cheerful, upbeat and very social. You are required to be a team player...

You end Bait and Switch with some ideas for organizing unemployed white-collar workers. Has there been any response to that?

I put out some ideas, such as national health care and increased unemployment benefits. But one thing that struck me doing the research for the book was that there was no way for unemployed or underemployed people to come together that wasn't an evangelical recruiting session or a money scam.

As I go around talking to people on this book tour, I've been helping set up networks of local underemployed and unemployed white-collar workers. People have really been excited about the simple thing of being able to sit around and share stories with other people. People feel like their job loss is their fault and just having conversations with others is breaking through the isolation and getting them to think about change. White-collar organizing has been pretty limited to health professionals, teachers, some professors. It would be great if these meetings could change that.

the shitstem has plenty of tricks up her sleeves, huh?


you have got to be kidding me

a boycott of american girl
because they support girls, inc.?


one parent noted:

I don't want my daughter to be introduced to questioning her identity, abortion issues, and an obvious political agenda namely lobbying against abstinence programs. This offends me and my family's religious convictions.

I believe it would also offend many of your other customers as well. I am organizing a boycott of your company and it's upcoming movie if this "I can" bracelet is not removed from your website and magazine.

"introduced to questioning her identity"???



yeah. ok.

i never put too much stock into this sort of vehemence until i've seen what mom decides when little suzy (heaven forfend) gets pregnant just a smidge too early for the fam's tastes...mainly 'cause she didn't know enough about her body to protect herself accordingly.

i think the message of the "i can" bracelets is what more women need to be teaching their daughters, fuck whatcha heard.

but folks wanna stay stuck in their boxes. no prob.

a friend actually drew my attention to this issue, saying, "jesus is the great pacifier for a lot of ppl...it seems more and more like ppl are coming up w/ excuses not to fight the sht around them based on their religions."


i'm glad i know about girls, inc. now. i hope they're around for another 100+ years so that i can direct my daughter to their website when she's old enough.

i would rather be in the business of raising goddesses in the full light than trying to cultivate shrinking violets in twilight.

give thanks!


i don't know what was goin on with me, but that psyllium was (part of) a miracle. it never ceases to amaze me how many forms "congestion" can take.

my energy's back, headaches gone...feeling light and free again.

can't complain about that.

honey & i have made some major strides...seems that it's not quite time to trade him in for a new model, as he likes to say.

i never really thought that anything we were going thru was un-workable, but for a moment it seemed like we weren't going to be able to find a way to understand one another. or even agree to disagree.

there's still work to be done--within and with-out--but i'm hopeful and grateful that our love will see us through.

i feel renewed. dipped in the water.

thanks & praise....


bang bang

(just 'cause i love this song)

I was five and he was six
We rode on horses made of sticks
He wore black and I wore white
He would always win the fight

Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down.

Seasons came and changed the time
When I grew up, I called him mine
He would always laugh and say
"Remember when we used to play?"

Bang bang, I shot you down
Bang bang, you hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, I used to shoot you down.

Music played, and people sang
Just for me, the church bells rang.

Now he's gone, I don't know why
And till this day, sometimes I cry
He didn't even say goodbye
He didn't take the time to lie.

Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down...

mental clarity begins with physical clarity

i think i've shocked myself into a mini-detox.

yesterday and today i've had green juice in the morning. sunday or monday evening, i took a recommended dose of psyllium.

result: chills, headaches, and all kinds of weird stuff.

there's been a real need to do something, but i couldn't see myself preparing for a full-fledged fast right now (i will, however, probably do at least a 3-day one on/around the winter solstice). yesterday i was low on energy, but today i feel much better. headaches are gone, too.

i will take some more psyllium before bed tonight, see how that works out for me. i made a pot of soup with all kinds of good veggies in it, not to mention a pot of greens (collards and kale). for dinner i think i'll have a sandwich, some soup, and whatever pills i feel like dealing with.

i've been really hard on myself lately, and it's beginning to show.


it's raining again

i'm really happy for him...
but i can see his success being our death warrant.
i don't know how to feel about that.

baby shower @ work today...i keep wondering if that will ever be my life.
i don't need the kid(s), but the husband would be nice.

my cycle was last week.
why do i feel hormonal in reverse?

my hand is beginning to ache. which means the writer's block is taking its toll.
funny how your body expresses your emotions when you can't.

i feel...defeated on some level.
i'd like to go home, crawl under some form of cover, and hide/cry/die.

but you never know...
i might have a little fight left in me.


...and then

the server @ work was down for like 1.5 hrs???!!??

i damn near slit my wrists.

i need a reading, like, asap. i need to know what i'm supposed to be doing with myself, 'cause it damn sure ain't this. not only that, but the first time i had one done i had to "clear the air" so to speak. hence, i got very little information on my life's purpose.

it seemed that at that time, my main concern was protection.

there are many different ways to "burn out". seems that my way tends towards slow and torturous.

i'm praying going to yoga tonight will help me out.





that's all.



seems like i wanna wrap my hair all the time now and

i found 2 locs trying to join in matrimony yesterday and i had to separate 'em

...but i know one day i'll wind up not twisting them anymore just for the sake of having them appear a certain way 'cause i won't have a job where that's necessary and

i need to write some poetry but i really don't know what to say or how to say it and

i kinda like what she said about katrina

...but the beating is what's really getting to me right now and

i hate that i don't have time to write 'cause i'm here all stinkin' day and

i know i need a vacation but

i don't have any money to go where i wanna go and he offered to pay but i don't know about all that, plus

that goddamned staff meeting totally fucked with my flow....

just tryin to get free. once again.



there are poems on the tip of my tongue...

stories lying just behind my eyes...

it feels like my mind is covered in some sort of fog that prevents me from putting the words together.


i need some really good food
really good sex
and some sort of mind-altering substance(s)
...not necessarily in that order.

it's gonna be a "brokeass weekend", but maybe i can find something fun to do anyway. there's the chocolate festival...god knows i could use that rush the good stuff gives you...

you know it's bad when food doesn't taste good to you anymore.

(random note: i'm always on the lookout for interesting myspace pages. i came across this one yesterday after making a comment on her blog re:

dammit i said i was going to be creative here.

i'm trying...

hold up hold up HOLD UP

sinead o'connor has a gotdamned roots reggae cd out?


(and it doesn't sound half bad...)


all i really want

is for everything to be ok with us.

that's all.

every time i'm ready to throw up my hands and walk away, it's like the universe goes, "hold on! we're not done with him yet! just hang...in...there..."

and i do.

that new lina song "smooth"? heard it on the radio the other day...

that was the first time in a long time i heard a song on the radio that felt like it'd been written just for me.

"baby you're the sun that chases all the rain away/baby you're the gray clouds that darken a perfect day/what i wouldn't do/to make this thing go smooth...."


and they wonder why i don't give them any money.

the only places on that campus that will ever get anything from me are the african american institute or the latino student bldg. the rest of 'em, well...

sign the petition

A dialogue for women of color took place at Northeastern University in Boston on September 24, 2005. Initiated by the Women's Studies Program, the dialogue was designed to create a safe space for women of color (both on campus and in the wider community) to gather to share thoughts, feelings and ideas. In order to create that safe space, it was asked that only women of color attend the morning session, however, a second component to the program was put in place for the afternoon, to which all people were invited to participate. The event was attended by over 70 women of color from high school students to elders, representing a wide variety of cultures and countries such as Bangladesh, China, Ghana, and Mexico.

There was a good deal of controversy surrounding this event, as white students on campus organized (primarily through the Student Government Association) to force the morning session of the event to no longer be open solely to women of color. In the planning of this event, there was lengthy dialogue as to whether or not the morning session should be open to all. Faculty and students of all racial and cultural backgrounds agreed that the morning session should be for women of color only, in order to provide a safe space for women of color to openly share and build with one another. This was NOT the decision of any one individual, or even of a select racial or cultural group, nor was it designed to be discriminatory or exclusionary, which is why the afternoon session was opened to all who wished to attend.

Currently, the Director of the Women's Studies Program at Northeastern, is being harassed, blamed and threatened for her part in hosting this event. Essentially, the University is saying that not acceptable in the year 2005 for women of color to gather as has happened in several other institutions for higher learning across the country, or a woman of color to assert that racism and white privilege are alive and well and affecting us all. Rather than being championed as a leader in the fight to eliminate racism and to promote world unity, the Director of Women's Studies at Northeastern University is being harassed and threatened and her comments discredited by University administration.

Please take ACTION on this issue. Please write to Northeastern University to support the actions of the Women's Studies Program. Please ask others to contact the University as well. Contact information below.

Please sign the petition to state that:


Thank you in advance for your support. Together we can transform the world one peace at a time!

Important Northeastern Contacts:

President Richard Freeland
Office of the President
Northeastern University
110 Churchill Hall
Boston, MA 02115
Tel: 617.373.2101
Fax: 617.373.5015
Email: r.freeland@neu.edu

Ahmed Abdelal, Provost
Office of the Provost and Academic Affairs
Northeastern University
112 Hayden Hall
Boston, MA 02115
Tel: 617.373.2170
Fax: 617.373.8589
E-mail: provost@neu.edu

Donnie Perkins, Dean and Director
Office of Affirmative Action and Diversity
Northeastern University
Room 424 Columbus Place
360 Huntington Ave.
Boston, MA 02115
Tel: 617.373.2133
E-mail: d.perkins@neu.edu

Dean James Stellar
College of Arts and Sciences
100 Meserve Hall
Northeastern University
360 Huntington Ave.
Boston, MA 02115
(617) 373-3980
Email: j.stellar@neu.edu

Student Government Association
332 Curry Student Center
Northeastern University
360 Huntington Ave.
Boston, MA 02115
Phone: (617) 373-2651
E-mail: sga@neu.edu

looks like i have a pretty slow workday ahead. i think i'll start writing my letter now...


mixed blessings

you ever feel really good and really bad about something simultaneously?

it's a very surreal thing.

maybe i'll elaborate later...right now i'm just sitting at my desk fighting the temptation to close my door and cry.


Do Right Woman, Do Right Man

Take me to heart and I'll always love you
And nobody can make me do wrong
Take me for granted leaving love unsure
Makes willpower weak and temptation strong

A woman's only human
You should understand
She's not just a play thing
She's flesh and blood just like her man

If ya wanna do right (do right - do right)
(do right - do right) woman (woman)
You've gotta be a do right (do-right - do-right)
All night man (do right - do right) (man)

Yeah-yeah they say that it's a man's world
But you can't prove that by me
And as long as we're together baby
Show some respect for me

If you wanna do right (do right - do right)
(do right - do right) woman (woman)
You gotta be a do right (do right - do right)
All night man (man)

A woman's only human
This you should understand
She's not just a plaything
She's flesh and blood
Just like her man

If you wanna do right (do right - do right)
(do right - do right) woman (woman)
You gotta be a do (why don't cha) right (why don't cha)
All night (why don't cha - why don't cha)
You gotta be a do right
All night man...

if you've never heard this song, it's like a more down-to-earth, grown-ass-woman-talkin' version of r.e.s.p.e.c.t.

if you want a little, you've got to give a little. simple as that.

it's easy to get used to being comfortable and safe. we all do it in one way or another. whether it be materially, spiritually, or otherwise.

however, sometimes you have to ask yourself some tough questions. what did i do to deserve this safety? how did i get so comfortable in the first place? what am i willing to do to maintain it? if it was just handed to me, should i see it as a gift or a birthright? is this safety worth my sanity/soul/livelihood/fillintheblank?

one relationship where this comfort/safety should never need to be questioned is that of a parent and child.

when parents provide a safe haven for their babies, they have a positive model for later love. of course, we all know that--for a multitude of reasons--many parents cannot provide that sort of home.

it seems that for some who developed in that situation, being faced with a certain level of love later in life can make one scared, resentful, greedy, or simply apathetic.

still, no matter what, no (functional) mate is ever going to replace a parent. or be your 24/7 therapist.

so...if you want a doright (wo)man, you gotta be prepared to return the favor.

it's that simple.


i should probably stay at work a little longer

get something done

or whatever

and i was a little late this morning....

but screw it. i've got a yoga class to look forward to. plus i'll have all the livelong day tomorrow to do whatever crap needs doing around here.

i took myself out to dinner last night. this weekend i think i'm gonna do a movie.

might even have my car back by saturday. we'll see.

no answer to my dream-question yet. still listening though...


no time for poetry

creativity's kind of taken a back seat due to the lack of a home computer.

writing in general hasn't come easy these days.

i'm trying to keep up with my dreams in my dreambook. that's about all i can ask of myself right now.

fuckin' credit cards

so i get an email from netflix this morning....

i forgot that my account is linked to a now-maxed-out credit card. :-
said card is most likely overlimit due to finance charges; i haven't actually used it since i got a notice that i was approaching the limit. i didn't even know the damn thing was over the top til i looked at my most recent statement.


this clinches the fact that i need to do something about my money situation. fast. i suppose the best route would be to switch the balance over and then have just one bill...

well, two with the other maxed out card.

that's another story altogether.

let's just say that two years of underemployment can really screw you over.

the craziest thing is that, overwhelmingly, the only things i've put on my credit cards lately have been food, gas, and groceries. and even then, it was only between paychecks when things got tight. but i always manage to spend just a bit more than i pay. bad news.

well. i'm gonna have to just give that a rest for now, tighten the purse strings, and press ahead.

i made it thru college with decent credit. i really don't need it all fucked up now. and all this really has to be over & done by the time i move next year.

at least my rent's never been late...

too bad it just went up.


had another rape dream last night

i was in a house....it looked like my mother's, but larger.

there was this man trying to get in, and i held the door long enough that he gave up...but as i went back upstairs to call the police, he started trying to knock it down again.

i knew he was going to get in if i wasn't at the door, but i had to call for help. so i'm screaming into the phone, begging someone to get there...

just as i hang up, he makes it in and up the stairs.

he knocked me down, but his face was kindly--sometimes when i have these dreams the man looks distorted or angry....sometimes a sort of kabuki-mask looking thing (see pic)

anyway, his face wasn't distorted or angry...i could sense that he was trying to get to me, but (as usual), i didn't feel anything...just that he was aroused and trying to get inside me.

i think i woke up soon after. and i had a couple of other dreams....

in women who run with wolves, dr. estes points out that these "predator" dreams can have a lot to do with a woman trying to break free of something or make a new way while a part of her attempts to still her progress or bind her to old, outdated ideas.

given how restless i've been feeling lately, that could be part of it.

the benevolence of the face got to me, though....perhaps it was symbolic of the possibility of this raise? i.e., getting more money = trap.

i'm focused, though. i refuse to deviate from my plan. a little more loot will just make it a little easier to get my goals met while i bide my time, that's all.

i pay a lot more attention to my dreams in my premenstrual cycle 'cause that's when they tend to inform my life and my decisions most.

i just wish i didn't feel like i'm walking thru mud and trying to think thru a fog all the time....


short on patience

why do people want to monopolize my time?

i do one massage for someone, and now it's back to taking up whole weekends. i'm really not in the mood.

homegirl just doesn't understand that (1) i don't need/want a client base 30-45min away from me and (2) i'm glad she's doing her thing with her new business opportunity, but i really am not in a place where that's a factor or a goal for me.

one thing at a time.

i'm just trying to keep it together right now, and i don't need anything else on my plate that's not directly benefiting me & mine. maybe i'm nuts, but right now? making a few extra dollars here & there just isn't worth the time sacrifice for me.

the urge to say "no" to just about everyone becomes stronger by the day.

i can't tell if that's good or bad.

between the inconveniences of this car situation and problems w/ honey, i would really rather just get the hell out of dodge for awhile so i can simply think for a moment or three.

brightspot: despite everything that's happened between us lately, honey offered to give me the money for my massage exam....i was going to just bite the bullet and sign up at the end of the month, but now--as always--there are some bills i can't put off, and i need the money for those. so he stepped up.

that really opened a door. maybe, finally, we can begin to talk about these things and meet each other halfway. i think he's finally beginning to understand what i need from him.

i know he can't always give me this kind of money--and i wouldn't ask. but the fact that he can do this means that maybe he can hand out emotional "cash" as well.

things are still going to be fragile for awhile, but i'm grateful that he would be so generous.

with the financial worry out of the way, that still means i'm going to need a lot of my free time to get this studying done. and it's not going to be easy. essentially, i'll be giving myself a crash course of 13 months worth of material in about 3 months' time.

not my idea of fun. but i need this to be a one-shot deal.

brightspot #2: i may be getting a raise. i could definitely use it...especially since i'll need to start saving for next year's move.

so if i can stay sane long enough to reap all the benefits, the next few months might actually turn out ok.

but right now i'm just feeling short-tempered, frustrated, and muddied. i just want some time to myself to work it all out.

new challenge: getting a new computer so i can write/work at home again. fleshing out ideas at work really cannot be done much anymore, and i need space to create. but i don't need another monthly bill right now, either.

decisions, decisions.


guess i'm an official baltimorean.

i was present for an armed robbery in high school....

last night, my car was broken into.

ignition torn out.

apparently no one told dude you can't hotwire cars in 2005. but at least he knew enough of what he was doing not to have to break my window.

took all the cds out of my car door pockets--most of them were empty, but he damn sure got me for my esthero. ugh.

didn't get the case of cds under my driver's seat. ashe!

there also wasn't much change in the car. didn't go in the trunk. registration & tags still intact. not a scratch on it except for the fucked up ignition/steering column and the mess he made of my glove compartment. ashe-o.

and if any of you reading remember, i just got this car in april.


did i mention the rental looks almost exactly like my old car?

i feel like i'm in groundhog day....


there is so much i wish i could get off my chest right now, it's ridiculous.

i've been in the middle of a lot of conflict, a lot of emotions, and a lot of upheaval. and i'm still waiting to see where the chips will fall.

i'm back to that donnie hathaway entry...i don't want to walk away. but i don't know how to work things out, either. i think we should just chill out for a minute, come back with a fresh perspective. but as usual, i can't get any flexibility or understanding.

sometimes i think he may feel the same way about me.

the difference is that when i bend over backwards, it's seen/felt/heard.
when he does it, he winds up a legend in his own mind. and i'm none the wiser.

i'm tired of repeating myself, beating dead horses, spinning my wheels.

something's gotta give.
is it us?
something else?

why do we keep hitting this wall?
is this really meant to be?
what's the lesson we're missing?

we can't even come to an agreement on the best route to take to resolve this thing. seems like he's got something to prove--possibly to himself--but i don't. i just want my needs met, or to be left alone if that can't happen.

i need some "me" time. breathing room.

lately it seems the only thing we have in common is the fact that we love one another. but that--in the long run--is never enough. not by itself.

just found out that i might be up for a raise. so send some positive energy on that one. i sure could use it.

...but i'm still on that good 2 yr plan.

i'm overwhelmed.


goodbye, summer

the impending equinox is really messing with me. ugh.

either way, i get the feeling i need to be really careful what i say/do over the next couple of days, 'cause i could get myself into trouble if i'm not.

i can see that the next year or so is going to be one filled with decisions, crossroads, and choices....

well. might as well bring it on.

nothing to it but to do it, right?


the 9-5 blues (revisited. again.)

i went to anoint my 3rd eye this morning...

ok. before i sound like a total dweeb...whenever i put fragrance oil, i touch a bit to my 3rd eye area. i've found that it lessens the likelihood of tension headaches and other mostly-energetic physical problems.

anyway, when i touched the oil there, there was an intense burning sensation....like someone set my forehead on fire.

that's never happened before. i'm thinking that maybe it has something to do with the yoga practice freeing up some energy and/or moving it to the appropriate places. i feel straighter, lighter, more energetic...and a full moon's due on sunday.

part of this, too, is the sensitivity that comes with a change in seasons. i always feel much more in tune with the rhythms of the planet in those times.

at least i feel comfortable in my clothes today. i wish i could have kept my hair covered. i wore a tam on the way in, and i'll be wearing it when i leave. i feel the need to construct a layer around me....not that i feel threatened; just something about the energy around me today. i feel the need to contain or use it somehow.

i even put my cowries on around my ankle.
i wish i could have meditated this morning.

at least i got up early enough--thanks to the damn cat--to make a decent breakfast. scrambled tofu, toast w/ grape jam, and veggie sausage.

(maybe later i'll get into how he's tearing up the carpet outside my bedroom door trying to get in every morning...sigh)

i want to write
even bodywork.
something free or representative of freedom.

but i'm stuck here for quite awhile.

on another note: i snatched my brother's gamecube and now am totally engrossed in resident evil 4. this is why i refuse to buy a gaming system of my own...


i love this man

dearest tim,

thank you.



sex & spirit

i got thru about 1/2 of this book last night.

it's a sin & a shame that women in this country--especially those who are not descended from western traditions--have been relegated to silence & pity when it comes to their bodies and their sexuality.

if you're anything like i've been my entire life, you probably hear Goddess calling to you.

She has many faces and many forms. only you can know which one is speaking to and through you. the imbalance has been accepted for too long, and She's making Herself known. ashe!

answer Her, despite what you've been told. fuck all the dogma. throw out your preconceived notions.

She is real, and She has a rightful place among the Original spirits of the earth. hell, She IS the Earth.

She has wonderful things to teach you. let Her in.

other books i've found helpful when in need of some spiritual reclamation:

women who run with the wolves by clarissa pinkola estes

sacred woman by queen afua...you can buy it thru her website

opening to spirit by caroline shola arewa

daughters of africa anthology

peace & Goddess' blessings



katrina has me reeling

when the shocking and awing started on my 25th birthday, i laid in bed next to my love and cried.

i don't have cnn. i hadn't watched the news coverage, but something in my soul shifted. the air changed. and i could feel myself becoming one of those iraqis...i could hear/see/feel the world fall apart underneath them.

i knew then that every test we'd been given since 9/11, we'd failed.

and we're still failing.

we don't have time for the bullshit. we've got to get it together. hold our politicians accountable. be real with ourselves.

the ancestors are screaming for understanding and god is not pleased.

this country's got some fucked up karma to deal with, and what's happening in new orleans is just the beginning.

you can relate it to biblical prophecy (i don't, per se) or anything else you want. i don't believe we're in the "last days" as human beings, but america's place in the world is most certainly destined to erode. like rome, great britain, japan....all the great imperialists humbled either by nature or their "subjects".

rome wasn't built in a day, but what they don't remember (or like) to tell you is that it didn't fall in a day, either.

if you do believe in the biblical progression of things, well, there are many historical events/eras that also fit the bill. pick one. there were many who felt they lived in the "last days", yet, here we are.

we should know by now that if the future's laid out for us, it can be changed. look deeper. read between the lines.

let's get on determining our destiny instead of humming our action away in the pews on sunday morning.

gotta figure out where you stand.

when the ship starts to sink, are you going to be with your people (the women, the poor, the children, the non-white, the non-straight, the powerless, the meek), or with "your" country?

there are many questioning their security tonight.

may those we've lost rest in peace.
may those who remain be unashamed to tell the story.
modupe ogun...the warrior lives in ray nagin.
and may we all learn our lessons and keep them close. especially at election time.




couldn't say it any better than donnie....

Giving up is hard to do
When you really love someone
Giving up .... so hard to do
When you still depend upon
Her warm and tender touch
Her kiss and her hug..........her caress
Oooooh that used to mean so much
And bring you happiness
Woooo ooooooooh

Giving up, so hard to do
I've tried
But it just ain't no use
Giving up, so hard to do
I said I've tried
But it just ain't no use
But my light of hope is burning dim
But in my heart I pray
That my love and faith in the girl
My love...will bring her back someday

I'm talking 'bout when you really love someone

Whether she knows or not
She really needs me too
The little girl is all I got
Yes she is
And giving, giving up is hard to do
Giving up
So hard to do
Heey...giving up
So very hard to do
I said I've tried
Hey, but I just can't get loose
Giving up
So hard for me to do
I don't want to lose you
Cause you mean so much to me

i haven't given up the fight yet.

but damned if i ain't tired.


if you don't quite "get it" at work

this guy might have the answer.

i was so moved, i cut out this part and put it in my wallet/calendar where i stow away inspirational tidbits from time to time:

In the end, it’s a question of how you accommodate to the horror that is office life. The communists and leftists can’t save you. You’re stuck with this system, its grinding gears inescapable.

If, like me, you go to work each morning and sit in front of a desk, you belong in the professional lineage of Sisyphus, the mythical figure damned to roll a massive boulder up a mountain, only to do it all over again when the rock rolls back down. After all, do you really make any substantial difference from your cubicle? Even if you carry a lot of weight in your office, does it matter, in the big picture, if you move 10 percent more units this quarter than the last? For anyone living a conscious life, office culture inevitably brings the onset of a mild sort of existential despair. Call it the blahs if you’d like: What am I doing? Am I just flushing 40 hours a week down the toilet? And unless you’re a heart surgeon or something, the answer is generally a resounding “yes.”

But you need that paycheck. You need those benefits. Your only hope, then, is to live in the moment, keep at it as an animal might, with consciousness tethered securely to the present. Don’t think about pushing that rock back up the mountain, about the brown-nosing yes-men eclipsing you, about the dehumanizing nonsense that presses in on every side, the petty tyrants in upper management using you as a salve for their shabby, wounded egos. Shut all that out. Just keep at it, left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, moving cell by cell across that endless spreadsheet.

while i'm not nearly as resigned as the author is by the end of the article (i'd be more likely to tell the reader, "bide your time. save your money. then get out (c) the amityville horror") i totally see where he's coming from.

not all of us are made for this. and that's ok.

but i think we should cause a rebellion vs. lying down and taking it.

see srini for a more serious take on the issue (...and buy some stickers!!! or make your own!!!).


...oh and, um

somebody needs to slap the taste out of pat robertson's mouth.

he is the worst possible face of christianity. too bad his comments are worthy of news articles and not just the ramblings of a backwoods county preacher.

talkin' loud...

i have to get focused. now's the time to really start thinking about what i'm going to be doing for the next 5 years or so. i have to get some shit together. organize my thoughts. regroup.

i've been saying this for the past, oh, 2 years or so. blah.

i have some kind of creative stall going...things will start, sputter out, then stop...engine won't start like it should...it's just a mess. examples:

who's watching the city?*

want to prevent crime?
try raising children in something
other than a system...

blue lights
mask starlight
make ppl already in cages
see their fate more clearly

tangible evidence
they're out to get

is a two way street.

(*someone came up with the bright idea to install "smart" cameras on various corners in the city. you know, instead of re-opening the rec centers or getting rid of abandoned houses. more lockdown. let's not talk about the multi-million dollar hotel going up on the taxpayer dime...)

alice walker wrote of
africans with waist-length hair...

today a blog revealed
only crazy alcoholic africans
carry locs now

what a brilliant job colonialism has done
to make ppl despise
their very skin
the hair that grows from their heads...

even without the rape of resources
the battle is won;
too many minds taken
after the bodies fell.

...yeah. stuff like that. i scribbled out another fragment in my dream journal last night. it was the only paper around. i didn't want to go out and grab my usual notebook 'cause i was afraid the cat would creep back in. he's still a little too energetic to sleep in the room with me, and i didn't wanna have to fight him to get him back out.

to his credit, he will let me sleep for a few hours at a time. but that's about all.

well. i suppose i should do something resembling work. although that will be difficult when i can't seem to clear my mind....