healing is possible.

in speaking of/dealing with this anger, i realize is that some of it really isn't anger at all.

it's pain. and sadness.

i get so tired of living in a space where so many seem to be unwilling / unable to see or are simply numb to the reality that there IS another way, that healing IS possible, and all the "craziness" doesn't have to be.  in a space where there are so few shared rituals and ways to facilitate healing, as Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes always says so well. 

it's not even about "one way" to do it.

i'm getting to a point where i don't even *care* how it's done...afro-centric, nobody-centric...  it just needs to BE DONE.

people are so busy acting out the hurt that they're perpetuating one horrid cycle after the next.  our elders and ancestors have written the words, drawn up the blueprints. but we're still on the same hamster wheels.

i cannot be the only one seeing this.

i also can't be the only one that understands that it CAN stop.

you don't have to do it my way, their way, or your mama's way.

you've just gotta begin somewhere.

do the work. seek whatever help you need.  heal. please.  so we can finally get back to the business of truly loving one another. 

(and make life just a little bit easier for us empathic folk)

the universe has got your back.

pissivity (4)

in all this (emotional) working out i've been doing, i have discovered that i'm angrier than i thought i was.

it was hiding in some cracks and crevices, mainly because it's not about individuals but circumstances, incidents; having to be who i am while living in a world ravaged by patriarchy, war, and abuse.  

my idea is to get a bright red or bile green journal and write letters to these things.  whenever i'm done with it, it will be burned.

aside from the obvious catharsis, i think openly ranting will also help me (re)define where i want to focus my energies and craft solutions.

screaming to the sky

you can't tell me mary didn't have a powerful healing filming this.

that kind of release would feel really good right about now...

damage control

in tracing my pattern of self censorship and self denial, this script emerges, courtesy of my inner child:  

i want everyone to be ok. people feel bad things...things they won't tell me about. i want to ask, but i think that will upset them.  i'll figure it out on my own. i usually do, somehow. i want to be good so everyone can be ok. upsetting them isn't good.  why can't everyone be happy? 

my parents were not abusive or even obtuse; no one would have smacked me upside the head if i asked a question--even a difficult one.  but, apparently, feeling their discomfort would have been just as bad.

fortunately or unfortunately, empathy killed my curiosity like the threat of corporeal punishment did my peers'; i had the blessing-curse of being smart and sensitive enough to see things, but not brash enough to ask about them.  instead, i developed the maddening predisposition of remaining on (self-imposed) call, trying to keep the next "disaster" from striking.*  

almost 5 years ago, i wrote this to baby girl:

honeychild,

just because you can see it and feel it doesn't mean you have to fix it. your vision and empathy are gifts, but they aren't always going to serve you well in love--unless it's to show you which ones to steer clear of. and you can't necessarily pass on every gift you have to others, no matter how noble your intention.  

there is no time or energy to waste on folks who don't wanna be healed--whether it's because they're not ready, they're immobilized by their own pain, they feel that they don't deserve love...whatever. it doesn't matter. not even if they're facing death. you can't change their destiny or snap their ori into shape.

as far as relationships went, i did not repeat myself.  still, there's a need to remove this programming in a deeper, more indelible fashion.  as i've said before, i have a hard time forgiving myself, and this is one of those times i could chop my own head off.  stupid, stupid girl...look what you did to yourself... 

taking a deep breath, i put things in perspective:

i was a child, and i made myself the center of things, as children are wont to do. although i didn't think i was the "problem," i made everyone else's problems mine, looked out for everyone--even when i didn't know what was wrong--because i wanted everything to be all right.    

the lesson?

i incarnated with my own life to lead, and my own destiny to fulfill.  i choose to use my gifts in ways that benefit me and others, and part of benefiting myself is taking care of myself.  my parents did their job, and never asked for anything above my ability. as a little girl, i did what i thought was right, but now it's time to let go of that "responsibility," because it is a false, exhausting one.  whatever their--or anyone else's--struggles, God/dess has it under control.   

all will be well.    



* abuse notwithstanding, i now realize much of this was a result of an osmotic connection to my father's PTSD.  as i've gotten older, the blanks have slowly filled in, and i can pinpoint my anxieties as a child to various reactions my father would have (and sometimes still has) and, maybe, my mother's coping mechanisms.  my early experiences of loss probably didn't help.
 

solstice

2013

the year of perfect nothingness.
the year of perfect emptiness.

this year, i choose to be nothing but my true, divinely connected Self.
this year, i empty myself of any over-active ego and open to Spirit.

i choose freedom.  i am free.
i choose joy. i am joyous.
i choose expansion. i am expansive.

i have everything i need to fulfill my destiny.

lost & found

lyrics

i can't say what this song was about for her, but for me it recalls the ongoing challenge to integrate my ego... the protective part(s) of myself i've constructed around my true Self/soul.

sometimes protection becomes obstruction...

gateway women

tonight i discovered gateway women, a blog geared towards childless women.  i think i'll be a frequent visitor.

the author is in her late 40s and from the UK, but i'd recommend it for anyone well into their 30s that isn't quite sure if things are gonna "work out" in the marriage/relationship/kids department.

she's definitely spoken to many of the things i've felt and thought over the last few years, but haven't seen written anywhere else.  in my head, i've started referring to them as single people problems.

from the "founder" page: 

Right now, there’s a whole generation of women who aren’t in the right relationship and can’t afford to have a baby ‘by themselves’ (even if they could face it).  Professional, educated, intelligent, capable, loving, emotionally-intelligent hard-working women. Women who’d be fantastic mothers. But it’s not looking like it’s going to happen. Where the hell are they supposed to take their bewilderment, their grief, their rage at how things have worked out?  They’ve followed the script our culture set out: worked hard at school, gone to university, built a career, tried to build relationships with men based on mutual respect and decency.  And where has it got them?

Gateway Women supports those women in the tunnel: those women still hoping that they’ll ‘manage’ to have a family. They’re just not sure how. Or with who. Or when. Or who’s going to pay for it…

Gateway Women sets out to challenge the ideas around identity and motherhood that are often at the heart of much unhappiness when the ‘baby story’ doesn’t work out, and to help women find their nomo mojo...  It is liberating, empowering, exciting and transformational work.

in speaking with a couple of friends tonight about feeling invisible, they mentioned the possibility of me being some kind of pioneer, similar to Jody referring to us as a group of women that (statistically speaking) hasn't existed before.

i can't say it's an exciting "first", but it's good to know i'm not alone.

love, lust, and the in-between: thoughts on street harassment

{trigger warning: discussion of street harassment, sexual coercion}

in the spirit of some of my other musings (see: the slutty posts and the "what's natural" piece), i'd like to share something that's been on my mind, even though it might get me yelled at.

well...maybe not.  every time i've thought that was going to happen, it hasn't.  instead i get yelled at for things i think are pretty straightforward.  go figure.

each year as spring and summer take their sweet time getting here approach, sistas in my internet circles start speaking out about what's commonly known as street harassment.

i understand the concerns, particularly when there is actual physical intrusion involved.  and, as always, age, class, sexuality and certain physical characteristics can serve as buffers and offer privilege.  

i know the game has changed.  case in point: my ex was stabbed 'cause a woman wouldn't give a dude her number, and he intervened when the dude got outta hand. 

i know there are intersections with domestic violence, rape, coercion and other forms of sexual violence. i stand with women who feel uncomfortable being approached in an overt and/or crude manner--for whatever reason(s)--and i defend their right to defend themselves, if necessary. 

i also agree that some men are too quick to presume all women are comfortable with the same level(s) of approach, touch, and closeness.  i am not better, more special, nicer or "easier" than my friend because i'll let you hug me or rub my shoulders after knowing you for an hour (if you're cute.  maybe. ask me tomorrow.) and she won't.

we are not all the same woman in different skin.  stop that.


no, we should not be called outta our names.
no, a stranger should never fondle his genitals at the sight of you.
no, men shouldn't hiss, click, whistle or snap when they can otherwise speak.

our anger at those things is justified, a righteous, powerful tool that propels us towards gaining our just due.

yes, men should know better.
yes, male egos shouldn't be so fragile.


but...i also see complexity in this. 

as a daddy's girl and a woman who deeply loves men, i sometimes regret the ways we have this conversation.  it's a shame we've come to a reality where a woman has to consider all this when receiving an appreciative--albeit lusty--glance* or a good-intentioned request for a smile.**

i wonder what's been lost because many women have difficult, non existent, or deeply damaged relationships with their fathers and other men in their lives.  how does it hurt us when we've never lived with a man who was genuinely invested in our unique gifts and general awesomeness?

what would happen if we could hear a brotha say, "wow...you're beautiful" and genuinely reply, "thank you"--whether we wanted to exchange information or not?

i ask because i have a tendency to dig until i get to the root.  and in this situation, the root doesn't always feel like sexism or street harassment. it feels like broken hearts and shattered trusts.

as we fight against patriarchy, kyriarchy, and an encyclopedia's worth of -isms, it's important to understand the layers of interpersonal healing woven into these structures.

intellectualizing and analysis is very necessary, but we must avoid using it as a heart-shield.  remember to fight the real enemies, heal the real wounds, mourn the real losses. 

it is essential that we find time to love, to enjoy one another, fall into bliss.

i believe there are moments when we can afford that.

let's not lose that in the struggle.



*which they ALL do. even the sweet, artsy, wonderfully enlightened ones. hell, especially them. often, it's what they do AFTER the glance that matters.

**which might actually be genuine, if corny or ill-timed.  

a soul ajar

i am opening.
and being opened.

this terrifies me.

i realize that, outwardly, i am not what anyone would call "closed". i am quick to smile, laugh, connect with people.

this, however, is an opening to the whole of myself, to seeing and manifesting all that i have within to make my life what i need and want it to be, finally.

exciting as that sounds, the closures have been a lifetime in the making--catalyzed by fear of being misunderstood, the pain of ridicule and separation, the desire to be "like everyone else".

it's true that i no longer fear myself, but this next step almost feels more daunting than releasing that anxiety.

i realized that releasing the fear would make me more comfortable.  i don't know what this opening is going to look like.  i do know it's going to require a lot of trust and faith. 

it's also one more thing i have to face "alone", which is enough to make me want to hide under the covers until it goes away.*

in the end, though, the process will be the same: eventually my ego takes over and refuses to let this--or any other bump in my emotional road--"beat" me, and i commit to making myself feel better.

so i suppose i should just get started.    



*lately i've been almost hyperaware of what's lacking in my intimate life. whooooole other blog. which i probably won't write here.

accepting your blessing

the universe conspires to give us what we want!*

*assuming: pure intention, a light heart, and alignment with our lifework and highest selves.  warning: in the absence of those qualities, the lessons that pave the way to blessing will continue.

if your lessons tend to dishearten or discourage you, look deeper.  consider what the frustrations and disappointments are teaching you.  the Yoruba say that unless your ori--the part of your consciousness connecting you to the Divine within--is open and willing, God Itself cannot bless you.

again: unless you have prepared yourself to accept and internalize blessing, it can and will roll off you like water off a duck.

if you feel you're in or approaching this space, it's a good time to breathe and be still.  write/pray it out. seek counsel, if necessary.

you deserve to have your dreams come true, and be blessed beyond measure.  knowing that, the least you can do is put out a welcome mat for all the good things waiting to show up at your door.

more ways to welcome the energy of blessing:

• stand in gratitude for what you have.
• observe. {this requires a certain stillness.}
• clear your space--mental, physical, emotional, spiritual--as needed and necessary.
• listen. listen. listen. make time for meditation, not just prayer.
• be aware, but don't worry.
• be prudent, but not fearful.

may all that stands in the way of your success be removed. may you be filled with the knowing that Divine Love and Support exist for you. may you rush in the direction of that which will bless you. asé.

energetic self care

one of the things i've learned over the years is that once you're involved in spiritual community--any community, really--you wind up praying for folks quite a bit.  there's always a situation or three brewing that require a little extra oomph to push them along.

in the midst of this, it can be easy to forget to pray for yourself--in the same ways that being overworked or over-committed in the wider world can cause you to forget to eat.

yes, moving energy for the benefit of others holds innumerable rewards.  i firmly believe that all the blessings you send come right back to you. still, it's vitally important for all of us who carry the asé of healers, priests, spiritual vessels, etc, to maintain rituals of self care so we can continue to work effectively for others. 

many of us can relate to stories of elders and mentors who have literally given until it hurt. there can be a fine line between selfless devotion and full-on burnout, and several of us walk it.

while i was in massage school, we were frequently told about bodyworkers who only worked for five years or so because poor body mechanics can lead to carpal tunnel, broken bones, or worse.

both bodywork and psychology taught me about the issues surrounding transference, outlining the need to balance deep compassion and healing with the realities of power dynamics and human emotion.

for me, the message was clear: if you're devoted to assisting others in some way, you must also become intimately familiar with your own level of and issues around self care.

the depletion can be very subtle at first, and is often missed.  sometimes it's a twinge of fatigue, or a sense that things are slipping through your hands instead of gathering to you. you might become forgetful, unfocused, clumsy.

if you can't pin down a specific reason for these changes, find a moment to stop and be still. take a few deep breaths. 

as you're breathing, what do you feel?  is the fatigue or sense of being "dull" concentrated anywhere in your body?  if you're an energy worker, scan your physical and energetic bodies. what energy centers need attention? 

once you've identified the "holes", use your intuition to "plug" them. there are many ways to do this; choose the method(s) that speak to you:

• anoint yourself with a protective or cleansing oil/perfume. a frankincense & myrrh blend is good for just about anything.
• carry protective gemstones - either as jewelry or loose stones (e.g., tiger's eye, hematite, tibetan quartz, rose quartz).
• cleanse, re-empower or bless consecrated jewelry/talismans and wear them. 
• pray.  many scriptures speak of protection and the Divine's role as a shield. 
  you could also say something like: i ask that any personal energy that is NOT being used to fulfill my highest destiny or serve my greatest good be purified and returned to me, so i may use it to... [state your goals/intent or the healing you need. close your prayer in your usual fashion.]
• meditate. focus on the places that feel compromised.  affirm and strengthen those centers with the appropriate sounds, colors, or mantras/chants.

may you be well and stay well...and may the care you give to others always be an extension of the love you offer yourself. asé.

an (un)likely story: from abuse to healing

TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of sexual abuse, molestation, sexual coercion, self-mutilation. the triggering text is noted by border lines.

if you need immediate help or resources for these issues, skip the text, and scroll down to the bottom border.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

{note: i encourage you to share this as you deem necessary. i only ask that you please do so in full--including the trigger warning--and with proper credit. thank you in advance.}

power to the people

i love dancing flash mobs, but this is one i could totally get with.

awesome stuff

i read this.

then i watched this.

i'm so glad that the conversations are finally finding better frames and language, and expressing the intersections that so desperately need to be acknowledged. well done.

workinonit (c) dilla

i'm in the midst of reading peace from broken pieces, and there are some interesting insights coming from reading iya iyanla's work...

last night i journaled about my "personal lie". i'm aware of it, and i've been working on dispelling it for awhile. however, i'm also aware of the near-constant breakthroughs i'm having around it.

and i know i'll need to stand in those understandings to get some work done.

that's humbling, terrifying, and empowering all at the same time.

but i can do it. i am doing it.

all will be well.

reconciliation

a recent conversation with a sistafriend has led to reexamine my relationship with ogun...

it has been true for me that the african spirits have settled into familial spaces.  i have fathers, mothers, aunties, cousins...ogun is like that distant, elder uncle who doesn't always come to the family functions, but when you really need him, he's there with that extra money, the "spontaneous" pep talk, the warm, tight hug--the perfect thing to make it better.

you may not know him all that well--maybe he lives far away, or just happened to be around a lot when you were a baby--but, almost inexplicably, he knows you.  well. 

the first time i saw an ogun shrine, i thought, whoever that is, i don't think i want anything to do with him.  little did i know how closely he was walking with me, and the ways he'd eventually manifest in my life.

over time, i came to love ogun.  i learned more about him, and, suddenly, he was all around me: in urban wooded areas and not-so-urban ones, on the railroad tracks scattered through the city.  i even came to recognize his influence on my (paternal) family.  it dawned on me that he's always loved and watched over me.

almost two years ago, i endured some drastic changes--including suffering a deep wound left by one of his sons.  i still praised ogun in my libations and other prayers, but, admittedly, we became estranged as i leaned heavily on other "family members" to get through the transitions.

more likely, i estranged myself as he sat in the forest and waited...  

this morning, i listened to yolanda adams sing "step aside" and immediately thought of ogun.  tears flowed, and i remembered the way he's always embraced me, held me up, pushed me to acknowledge and embody my strength.  more than once, he has wiped my tears and assuaged my heartache.  when my pain turned me away from him, he understood and let me go.  even then, i know he always made sure someone was looking out for me.  maybe he even kept an eye on me through esu.

today, i thank you, baba. from the bottom of my heart.  modupe for all your blessings--seen and unseen. modupe for taking care of me--even as fear and hurt kept me from you. i truly do love you. 

ase o.

the radiant night queen

in recent divination, i've pulled this card more than i can remember.  Inanna's mantra in the deck is "embracing the shadow".

when i first seriously began exploring this aspect of myself, i mentioned how i gravitated to Pomba Gira, a spirit revered in brasil's umbanda tradition.

it was a sudden introduction--similar to the forceful wind that blew Ezili Danto into my life--and followed closely by a compulsion to wear some combination of red and black whenever possible. 

by now you'd think i'd be used to the endless curves in Spirit's roads. but, they can still take me by surprise.

stay with me, now...

Pomba Gira is often depicted as a roma (gypsy) woman. word has it that the roma came to europe from india.

india--particularly the south--has deep, often obscured connections to africa, as evidenced through the indus kush civilization and the cultures of the various adivasi groups. many of these people are african in appearance, and they are considered to be the indigenous people of that nation.

so when i retrace my steps, coming to understand my shadow-spirit as a devadasi* warrior queen with a river of onyx hair doesn't seem so unusual.  she is still, at her core, an afrikan woman.

she speaks:

deeply brown skinned child of an indigo-black mother, i am devoted to the temple and my people.  i know the power of the sword and of the heart. 

my aura precedes me.  i stand fully in my sensuality, empowered by my priesthood--a child of the Love Goddesses.  i carry all the mysteries of womanhood deep in my garnet womb.      

upon my throne, i am an entity beyond the control, reach, or comprehension of any man, even as i haunt their dreams.  i am dazzling in fine fabrics, jewels and radiant flesh. equally full of bawdy, ribald humor, i can blend into the seediest tavern without detection or molestation. 

i am always, fully myself.  i speak my truth. 

i respect all who approach me confident in an understanding of their full selves.  

i remain appropriately humble, but i never cower.  

the spirit of balance and reciprocity is my breath.  i fearlessly face and resolve my karma.

fear, hesitation, and unwarranted self deprecation have no place in my house. Royalty Knows Itself. 

...and she is me. 
  

*i've only skimmed (with intent to read) it so far, but this work purports to trace the historical/cultural evolution of the devadasis from their status in ancient times to the implications of their lives and work--such as it is--today. i wanted to post it for the sake of perspective.

i am speaking of all this from a spiritual perspective and, as such, i am considering the higher aspects of the tradition, the work, and its intent--as i recall them in my spirit and through Divinity. i am aware of many of the ways in which the culture and traditions of india are being exploited and warped to disenfranchise adivasi people--sometimes known as dalits, tribals, etc.--and the issues surrounding sex work there. however, that is probably all the more reason we are called to remember the older, more original truths, so that we can reclaim the ancient wisdom, heal, and renew ourselves.

an unconventional love letter

hi,

as i was emailing a friend this morning, the idea of writing you a letter came.  i suppose it's time for me to consolidate some thoughts and say some things "aloud".

i have this thing about marking psychic milestones, and writing allows me to release and move forward.

so here i am. 

i've been through quite a bit in the last 16 months or so, and part of that journey has involved learning exactly how being with you changed me.

at first, it seemed like just about everything that happened was for the worst. deep down, i always relied on the understanding that rewards accompany all challenges; if i held out long enough, it would all bear fruit. i knew i could eventually turn the negatives into new strength, new opportunities. even as i berated you and myself for the time i'd "lost" with you, i knew patience was my best defense.

but initially, i was just angry. horribly, horribly angry. i wanted my life back. i wanted my heart back. i couldn't believe i loved you, stood by you, defended you. how could i ever think you were the man i was going to spend the rest of my life with?

that anger popped up in various spaces and places. i even thought i was going to have to disappear from the internet for awhile.  honestly, i'm sure i could still be triggered, but those moments are few and far between.  i use any residual anger and hurt as a reminder to never put myself in an emotionally lopsided position again.

i forgave you some time ago, but i will never, ever forget. i'm sure that's part of the reason a friendship isn't in the cards for us.

my boundaries are probably firmer than they've been in decades. only in my childhood journals have i expressed such a surety of self.  i suppose i've come full circle. 

i know it is not "cruel" that i am unwilling to love potential, that i demand actualities before handing over my heart.

i know love, on its own, is not enough. it is beautiful, it feels good, and it's always a blessed gift.  but love is only the mortar--it doesn't excuse you from making the bricks. 

similarly, i know i can feel, express, and receive love without over-giving, over-sacrificing, or over-committing.

i have always had a peaceful nature. now i understand the true depth of that peace, that it IS me, and no one can disturb it or take it away as long as i am centered in my true selfhood.

i live with my eyes open, using my gift for empathy to protect myself instead of constantly attempting to save or heal someone else (exceptions made for the deserving/reciprocal).  i stay aware of where people are in their various processes, and i listen to my intuition on how to deal with them. the unaware, the ill-attuned, the deniers and psychological procrastinators are easily recognized. the unworthy and ill-prepared are quickly removed from my life, and i let them go with gratitude.

i try to remain mindful that, if you cross my mind or someone else mentions you, i should think good thoughts. sometimes i succeed, sometimes i don't. still, if i come up short the result is more a detached indifference vs. "i can't stand that fool."  i continue to work on it.

i know my healing will continue for the foreseeable future. i look forward to the day when i can say i am running on my new legs with renewed confidence. i know i'm almost there.

i don't know who i would have been if i'd never loved you, but i can definitely say that i love the woman i am now.  pain can shape us with the same power and precision as love does. the heartache, heartbreak, tears, lonely nights and everything else i endured during our relationship molded me.

all that said, i can finally take a deep breath and, in a certain shade of love, say, "thank you for the lesson. thank you for the challenge. it made me better."

in that same breath--or the next--i also know i will never again submit to that same suffering in the name of loving.  

i'm looking forward to receiving the love that will complement, support, nurture, and care for me in all the ways i need and want.  until that day, i am crystal clear in the knowledge that i am enough, that i contain universes and worlds within me, that i know whose i am.  i can take care of myself--all my selves.  i have new trust in myself.

for those things, i remain continually and immensely grateful.

may you be led to the love, healing, and peace you desire. although i cannot walk that road with you--and no longer desire to--my highest self still wishes you the best.

in peace,

o.

deja vu all over again

i don't think this season is going to be an easy one.

last year was a nice respite. i think i was ecstatic to not have to be worried about the annual fight/breakup. guess that high's worn off.

considering some of the breakthroughs i've been having, it's no wonder i'm sensitive all over again.  

i've gotta remember to keep my oyin ori handy.   

remember sweetness. remember sweetness. it wasn't always bitter...remember...

marching on

still trudging through the "muck"...i'll be REALLY glad when i start bleeding. and that's not something i say often.

some clouds have cleared, though...gaining insight into my next steps. maybe by the end of the week, i'll feel more encouraged about this work.

there are some not-so-useful thoughts and feelings surfacing.  one of the more disturbing ones is that a fully loving, enriching relationship is out of my grasp. of course it isn't. but "crap" can rear its ugly head in all sorts of ways.

i'm reminding myself that the moon is waning--a great time to get the lies out and push them away.