fix him or move him (c) oyin

a lot's been revealed in the last few days.

between last night and this morning, i think the new moon and my ori gave me the strength to finally say enough is enough.

i love my man. i really do. i've given up a lot for him. more than he knows.

he has grown since i've known him. i've tried to not dwell on the fact that that growth occurred largely through my tears and my conviction. because i was willing to leave rather than put up with his nonsense. because i spent lonely nights not knowing where he was. because i endured holidays, birthdays, and all other kinds of days solo 'cause he "wasn't ready" or "didn't know".

i have been depleted far more than i've been filled up.

i'm tired of the emotional blackmail. the blatant immaturity. the inability to deal with the least bit of uncomforatble or novel emotion. introspection not fueled by an insulated sense of self worth. i'm sick of his lack of communication, his lack of understanding.

i can be his
best friend
wife
business partner
lover
mother of his children
keeper of secrets
supporter of his healing

i cannot and will not be his
therapist
mother
whipping post
experiment in adult living/relationships

i am NOT in the business of re-raising men and never have been.

if you're crazy, say you're crazy and know it. own it. we can work from there.
don't present yourself as this bastion of...whatever and then fall all apart when you have a feeling. fuck that.

i don't want to live in a big pretty house by myself. i don't want to wait until i'm 40 or 50 to have the relationship i want with a man. but i will. because i am happy enough with me to be with me and find new pathways to my bliss.

so he needs to decide whether he's part of the solution or part of the problem.

maybe instinctively the woman that's emerging--the one i'm reverting back to-- threatens him.

he doesn't really know the me in full control of herself.

the me who will only let you make her cry three or four times, tops.

the me who will look straight through you, wake up to the reality of your bullshit, and leave you in the dust, holding incense-scented memories
...and not look back.

he's gotten glimpses of her, but when i met him and for a long time thereafter, i was too weakened to be her. and our relationship never quite closed those gaps. with some exceptions, i did that work on my own. i bled in the process, and usually dressed my own wounds.

i've spent a lot of time in this relationship by myself.

he damn well better get all those pretty intentions and thoughts of his out in the open. stop living in the fantasies he creates in his notebooks, and get down to the business of manifestation. yesterday.

my time has come. i don't know about his.

frankly? i'm not gonna worry about it anymore.

today i am grateful for the power to speak my truth.