love, lust, and the in-between: thoughts on street harassment

{trigger warning: discussion of street harassment, sexual coercion}

in the spirit of some of my other musings (see: the slutty posts and the "what's natural" piece), i'd like to share something that's been on my mind, even though it might get me yelled at.

well...maybe not.  every time i've thought that was going to happen, it hasn't.  instead i get yelled at for things i think are pretty straightforward.  go figure.

each year as spring and summer take their sweet time getting here approach, sistas in my internet circles start speaking out about what's commonly known as street harassment.

i understand the concerns, particularly when there is actual physical intrusion involved.  and, as always, age, class, sexuality and certain physical characteristics can serve as buffers and offer privilege.  

i know the game has changed.  case in point: my ex was stabbed 'cause a woman wouldn't give a dude her number, and he intervened when the dude got outta hand. 

i know there are intersections with domestic violence, rape, coercion and other forms of sexual violence. i stand with women who feel uncomfortable being approached in an overt and/or crude manner--for whatever reason(s)--and i defend their right to defend themselves, if necessary. 

i also agree that some men are too quick to presume all women are comfortable with the same level(s) of approach, touch, and closeness.  i am not better, more special, nicer or "easier" than my friend because i'll let you hug me or rub my shoulders after knowing you for an hour (if you're cute.  maybe. ask me tomorrow.) and she won't.

we are not all the same woman in different skin.  stop that.


no, we should not be called outta our names.
no, a stranger should never fondle his genitals at the sight of you.
no, men shouldn't hiss, click, whistle or snap when they can otherwise speak.

our anger at those things is justified, a righteous, powerful tool that propels us towards gaining our just due.

yes, men should know better.
yes, male egos shouldn't be so fragile.


but...i also see complexity in this. 

as a daddy's girl and a woman who deeply loves men, i sometimes regret the ways we have this conversation.  it's a shame we've come to a reality where a woman has to consider all this when receiving an appreciative--albeit lusty--glance* or a good-intentioned request for a smile.**

i wonder what's been lost because many women have difficult, non existent, or deeply damaged relationships with their fathers and other men in their lives.  how does it hurt us when we've never lived with a man who was genuinely invested in our unique gifts and general awesomeness?

what would happen if we could hear a brotha say, "wow...you're beautiful" and genuinely reply, "thank you"--whether we wanted to exchange information or not?

i ask because i have a tendency to dig until i get to the root.  and in this situation, the root doesn't always feel like sexism or street harassment. it feels like broken hearts and shattered trusts.

as we fight against patriarchy, kyriarchy, and an encyclopedia's worth of -isms, it's important to understand the layers of interpersonal healing woven into these structures.

intellectualizing and analysis is very necessary, but we must avoid using it as a heart-shield.  remember to fight the real enemies, heal the real wounds, mourn the real losses. 

it is essential that we find time to love, to enjoy one another, fall into bliss.

i believe there are moments when we can afford that.

let's not lose that in the struggle.



*which they ALL do. even the sweet, artsy, wonderfully enlightened ones. hell, especially them. often, it's what they do AFTER the glance that matters.

**which might actually be genuine, if corny or ill-timed.  

Transgender Children - Out Of The Shadows

i am continually reminded of why we need to question what we *think* we know/understand about being human.

think of how old humanity is.

think of all the knowledge & understanding that has been suppressed and lost.

think of how new the notion of "normal" truly is.

keep in mind that it is very likely we're actually RE-learning and remembering...not falling off some sin-filled, hell bound cliff.

battle weary sexes

question: am i the only one who's starting to feel like our healing as men and womyn may need to happen (at least in part) within safe, small, same-sex spaces? that it might be awhile before we truly come together again?

it occurred to me that, in communities of color, we've stuck together under stress and duress for generations. things had to look good to "the man", regardless of whatever personal hells we lived in. we became determined to show everyone that we were ok, that our families were intact--even when that was a lie.

however, when many of those stressors eased or went away, a vacuum was created--sometimes overnight--and the spaces were filled with dysfunction.

we have survived, and we are loving and flourishing "in spite of..." every single day. there are many cycles that have been broken, abuse stopped, and ways remembered. that deserves gratitude and praise.

however, being in survival mode for generations has led to a collective trauma that is, in some ways, just coming to the surface. we forgot how to truly live and breathe in our own skin. languages broken or lost, cultural rites covered and coded beyond comprehension, we kept coming together and sticking together, only stripped of the tools, communities, and spiritual/social safety nets that could facilitate our healing.

the houses full of womyn, the prison system...these phenomenon are starting to feel like a collective return to the adolescence rites of the ancestors; a separation deemed necessary in order to grow in the knowledge that will spark full fledged adulthood.

the problem is that it's happening long after adolescence, replete with bitterness, fatigue and insanity, ensconced in a culture that only truly pays attention when you fk up. and we're still uniting to create children--whether we're staying together to raise them or not.

it's wonderful when a brotha comes to a spiritual awakening while incarcerated, 'cause we certainly know that's not the system's goal. but, presuming he wasn't wrongfully convicted, what did he have to do to get there? if he becomes a changed man but is forever locked behind the walls (or, worse, killed by the state), what does the community lose?

similarly, a house full of grannies, aunties, mamas and babies can be a haven of wisdom, beauty and strength. but it can also be a stifling prison full of ghosts, secrets and bad memories. i've seen both, and the latter is not pretty.

now, i don't say this to infer or perpetuate any gender-bias stuff or compulsory heterosexuality. we must also remember that, for many african and indigenous cultures, homophobia and erosphobia came with the european and even then was ridiculously hypocritical*. my point is, how do we become more fully, vibrantly human as individuals while collectively learning and practicing how others should be treated, particularly in love/loving?

i don't know the answer to that, although i know what's worked for me. but, if we must endure this "separation", i hope we can still be filled with love, encouragement, life and bliss in the meantime. may our children and their children know better, do better and understand better because they have been raised to avoid our missteps.

maybe the next generation will truly model reconciliation.


*aside from "god said it", i wonder if the acceptance and/or nonchalant attitudes towards same-gender relationships made the colonizers fearful that reproduction could cease, thereby drying up their labor force. keep in mind that true missionaries often became disgusted and dismayed by the officials who sent them. they quickly learned it wasn't about saving souls, it was about money. some of the more sincere ones would even "go native" and fight the power (even if they did keep trying to convert folk...).

as for the hypocrisy, i'll be here all day if i start in on the hard-wired misogyny of western european culture. women and their needs were generally ignored, so i don't really know what was thought about lesbians and other queer women. but the infallibility of the old boy network--not to mention worship of the masculine mind/ethos--made love for one's fellow man just fine as long as the proper appearances were kept up. and if you were rich and talented enough, all sorts of "eccentricities" were ignored.

mandela's children

baltimore sun three part series

close encounters of the ex-gay kind

sigh...
and people really don't realize that this is part of the reason glbt youth are killing themselves, huh?

full story by matt hill comer

Not long ago, I opened my email inbox to find a promotional invitation from a group called Ignite Student Outreach. The promotional invite was advertising a series of summer camps, entitled “Close Encounters,” taking place in four states across the South, including North Carolina. Looking at the invite, my eyes almost immediately focused on the list of the camps’ guest speakers.

Ignite Student Outreach will be welcoming Alan Chambers of Exodus International and Scott Davis of Exodus Youth to speak to teens and Christian youth leaders. Exodus International is the “ex-gay” group which promotes the message of “Freedom from homosexuality through the power of Jesus Christ.” Exodus Youth is its youth-outreach program.

Both groups believe that “reorientation of same-sex attraction is possible” and that reconciliation with Christ will enable “growth toward Godly heterosexuality.” The groups teach that homosexuality is “outside of God’s will” and describes the “homosexual lifestyle” as sinful, destructive, distorted and disordered...

Of course, there is no evidence whatsoever that “reorientation” and “reparative therapy” is effective. Every leading medical, social and psychological association in America has said that conversion and reparative therapies offer no evidence of efficacy, are based on no valid scientific theory and are psychologically dangerous and harmful to patients, especially adolescents.

According to the American Psychiatric Association, the potential risks of reparative therapies include “depression, anxiety and self-destructive behavior, since therapist alignment with societal prejudices against homosexuality may reinforce self-hatred already experienced by the patient.”