12.31.2008

it's almost 2009...

about 5 hours left in the year...

new year's is one of my favorite nights. full of fun and skin-shedding.

new year's day almost always feels completely fresh and clean...like a new baby or pristine sheets on a new bed.

2008 has been rough in some ways and wonderful in others. overall, though, the bliss outweighs the burdens. i've learned a lot about myself, committed to my bliss, loved, traveled, and grown.

i'm gonna ring in the year pretty quietly...home cooked dinner, some champagne. maybe a little tequila. hoping for mimosas in the morning.

if you read this this evening, i hope you're happy where you are. if you're going out, hopefully you won't see it until tomorrow afternoon 'cause you had such a good time. hell, i might be out partying tomorrow or saturday night myself. never know.

see y'all next year.

peace

12.29.2008

go get you a white boy...yeah. that'll show 'em!

found two interesting videos today...

video 1
from this sista





video 2

from this sista {no audio}




obviously, there's a lot that could be said about either of these. this is a multi-layered topic within the black community, and there's no one way to discuss, handle, or delineate the issue. not to mention that the other extreme has to be put on blast as well.

my main questions are: what are the age groups involved and where are these women from? video 1 obviously featured an urban setting, but were the sistas featured raised in the suburbs and shocked by urban culture later on? not apologizing for bad behavior, just wondering.

i came of age in the 90s in what i like to call the "upper south". yes, there were always thuggish boys around, and the "mob mentality" could indeed take over, as one of the sistas on video 1 mentions. i've most certainly been catcalled, eye-fked, etc. i've gone through the baggy clothes phase.

however, we were not hearing about our peers getting beaten and killed because of a refusal to give a phone number. most boys, when you got them one on one, knew how to act.

this phenomenon speaks to a myriad of issues, not just black men* being inherently "bad" or "less than".

if you can't take that level of basic rejection, you have a problem with self esteem.

there is a problem understanding appropriate emotional response, which suggests that your emotional world is in turmoil--often the case with teenagers, but grown ass men who are still disrespectful on this level are, indeed, pretty low.

there is a problem with love. namely, a young man who would act this way has probably never really seen or experienced it in any healthy, real way.

i'm going to guess that the sistas who posted these videos are no longer teens. beatmewithanapple's reactions seem to be almost pure knee-jerk, with no real examination of what's going on behind the violence and misogyny.

i would venture to say that black american/white american dating for anyone over the age of 25 (maybe even as far as 20)** requires a level of conscious thought, awareness of historical and present socioeconomic and psychological conditions and self-awareness that a whole lot of folk do not possess. if we did, we wouldn't still be handling things like government and policy the way we do. one only needs to revisit the venom stirred up by the mccain/palin campaign to see that.

so...yes, we should protect ourselves. violence against women is a serious problem and should be stopped. immediately. everywhere.

the real men in all communities need to stand up and get in their brothers' asses. seriously.

but, honestly? we all need to go in with eyes open. heal within, then seek love. loving the "other" 'cause you're pissed at your own isn't going to get you the results you want, either.



*boys, really. anyone walking around looking like the "examples" in video 2 are probably under the age of 30 or devoted to a life of crime...which would be undesirable in any man, regardless.

**i realize that anyone younger than that has probably grown up with a different worldview and has parents from a different generation. their perspective on those matters is probably far removed from my own, so i can't really speak to it.

12.25.2008

i greet the sun and celebrate his return...

for the first time in a looong time, i started the day with surya namaskar--the sun salutation.

i spent well over a year as a regular yogini, and i miss it. it's very, very interesting how, once attuned to it, your body doesn't forget it and will even call for it.

i have to admit: today is special. even without buying in to all the christmas gifts and "holiday cheer", there's something lovely about the vibe of the day. i suppose that all those thoughts about sweet baby jesus can't help but change the air...

whatever you do to mark the solstice and the new year, may you be blessed, enlightened, held and nurtured, and may you give those blessings freely in return.

peace, light and love,

o.

12.24.2008

today...

i am at home.
my home.
with my chosen scents and colors, my books and my familiar.

enjoying my kitchen.
eating my food.
savoring my appetite.

i have had the day to myself.
i have slept, awakened, bathed, and prayed in ways pleasing to myself.

i am full of myself
and life
and love.

and i am happy.

12.23.2008

the jeffersons

no, not weezy and george.

tom and sally.

did they love each other? really?

i think ms. gordon-reed does a good job of breaking it down so it can forever be broke.

get over it, whitefolk. jefferson was a product of his times.

unitarian or not, brilliant framer or not, he was still a rich white man who owned folks, and didn't think all that highly of 'em, either.

and sally, well, i suppose she did the best she could with what she had. as the last paragraphs note:

Judging Hemings’s feelings about Jefferson proves more difficult, because she exercised no legal power over him. While she did abandon her plan to stay in France and then came home to live and have children with him, Hemings may well have had second thoughts about leaving her large and intensely connected family back home. Several of their great-grandchildren explain that Hemings returned to America because Jefferson “loved her dearly,” as if that meant something to her. Upon their return, Hemings’s relatives, both enslaved and free, behaved as if Jefferson was an in-law of sorts. After he died in 1826, Hemings left Monticello with several of Jefferson’s personal items, including pairs of his glasses, an inkwell, and shoe buckles, which she gave to her children as mementos.

While marriage is generally taken as a proof of love between a given man and woman, the quality of the relationship between couples who are not married, or cannot marry because of legal restrictions, may be better than that of men and women whose unions are recognized by law.

The most that can be said is that Hemings and Jefferson lived together over many years and had seven children, four of whom lived to adulthood. Jefferson kept his promises to Hemings, and their offspring got a four-decade head start on emancipation, making the most of it by leading prosperous and stable lives. That, I think, is about as much as one can expect from love in the context of life during American slavery.

12.20.2008

randomly found blog...

not nearly as pagan or queer-friendly as i'd like, but definitely a step in the right direction.

i do, however, love the comment on how christians need to do more work towards envisioning mother/father divinity.

i may elaborate on this later...

faith-leaping

it's a strange thing...i've never felt this discouraged and encouraged at the same time.

while the state of my personal economy is less than optimal--way less. in part because they keep playing games with people's utilities--i do feel like i'm on the right path.

there's evidence that what i'm dreaming up and producing has merit and worth, and i should keep at it.

attending my brother's graduation was equal parts inspiration and anxiety-producing. while i'm really not sure if i have the stomach for school, i know getting that paper is the only way i can really be taken seriously doing the work i seem to need to do.

i'm also wondering about different spiritual systems and paths and how they may need to factor into this journey. while i have no intention of abandoning the path of my ancestors, i'm also being led down several other roads--ones i haven't walked for centuries and may have difficulty retreading.

i suppose it doesn't matter; i've started anyway. the next step is to state my intention. after that, what i need will find its way to me.

12.17.2008

happy (i guess) holidays...

for the past several years, it seems i've found myself in some state of grief near christmas, filled with spontaneous emotional releases and harsh crying jags.

i'm elated for anyone who adores this season, but all i want to do is hide under my bed til everything's over and the xmas carols stop.

wait. let me rewind a bit.

i had great holidays as a kid, so it's not about that. actually, i almost see christmas as a children's holiday that loses its charm as you get older. the one redeeming event is seeing children so enthralled with the season and its stories. i love seeing my godkids and little cousins open their presents, talk about santa, and all that.

similarly, the religious element never really held any sway. much to my mother's chagrin, a lot of church stuff simply didn't take. (sorry, mom)

but, let's be real. you're supposed to be in the christmas spirit all year 'round...just like giving thanks ain't just for thanksgiving.

so, now, entering winter means going through all sorts of spontaneous, painful releases that thankfully let up with the new year. when a lot of ppl are dealing with mid-january "post holiday blahs", i'm feeling pretty relieved/renewed because all that stuff is behind me. the ancestral energy calms down, and i have spring and a birthday to look forward to.

seems kinda backward, given the cultural "norms", but i can really hate having to be in the holiday spirit! when it just reminds me of all the family members who aren't here anymore, not to mention seeing my parents go through their own blues. my mother because of family losses--particularly missing her mother, who loved the season. she's a fan of retail therapy. apparently my father suffered a recently re-awakened, christmas-related war trauma. suffice it to say it's no wonder he chose to go to work most years.

it's also been almost a year since the miscarriage. and, considering everything that's happened since, i often wonder if that was my first and last chance at having a family of my own. but that's another story for another day.

maybe, on some level, this is the natural way of seeing the solstice and the new year? i've read about how the so-called pagans saw winter as a harbinger of darkness (sleeping sun) and reflection; a sort of hermitage that lifted in spring.

maybe my body and spirit have taken on those natural rhythms and refuse to conform to the shiny, commercialism-filled veneer that's been slathered over it all.

my german-irish blood must still have me standing in the forest with my cauldron, watching the earth go to sleep. all the african parts are confounded by winter, regardless. guess the asian and the indigenous sections are out to lunch.

so, today's lesson: if someone seems somber instead of overflowing with hall-decking joy between thanksgiving and january 1st, be patient and kind. this isn't a joyous time for everyone.

(of course, today would be our office holiday party...)

12.16.2008

wading through the muck...

[temper tantrum]

here's that feeling again. life is just a bunch of work and drudgery. spinning my wheels.

no extra anything. scraping for every bit of joy.

friends broke, busy or far away. lots of reminders of what my life "should" look like by now. not that i care...more so that it puts me outside the circles of a lot of folks i know.

i haven't danced in years. i wouldn't even know where to go.

can't afford yoga. when i can, i don't have the time. or i'm too exhausted.

i can't remember the last time i bought a nice piece of jewelry or even some earrings. let's not even get into clothes and shoes.

can i take myself out to dinner? no. i have to make it myself. which can be fun. but a lot of times it's just a fking hassle.

movies? forget it.

i wasn't even supposed to be living alone at this point. i was supposed to have some help. i don't trust the idea of room/housemates beyond long term partners and possibly family.

i need a term for this feeling. "princess gene" came to mind, but i abhor the kind of spoiled brat connotation that word has at this point.

luxury node?

i dunno.

whatever it is, it's acting up, and i can really hate this season i'm in when it does. i should be living in the lap of damn luxury (or at least adequacy) by any means necessary.

i can really understand why some very intelligent, educated, savvy women turn to sex work. why not take the easy money and run? do what you want with your hours instead of slaving away for practically nothing.

if i can't have my dream house, can i at least get the means to make the place i have look like something? i feel like it's impossible to create the space i want.

why couldn't i have been blessed with craftier gifts people actually pay for? my mother could sew/crochet well. guess it skipped a generation. these words have gotten me nowhere...

i'd like to be able to treat myself to the salon every so often. is that too much to ask? that i not have to eek out 90 minutes i barely have to go through the stages of tackling it myself? or not have to worry about keeping it up if i just hack it all off?

to have clothes that actually fit this spontaneously shape shifting body of mine?

i'm not where i wanna be. and every time i get a glimpse of where i think i should be--and i feel like i know now more than ever--i feel like it's gonna take more money than i can manage. e.g., if i go for it, i'll only dig a deeper hole for myself and owe some other jerks a bunch of money i can barely afford to pay them now for all those failed attempts at trying to get to this elusive destination.

ugh.

guess i'll get to work...

*cries inside*

[/temper tantrum]

i'm grateful, y'all. i really, truly am. i'm just tired of the rat race.

on days like this i can get really close to feeling like my flame's gonna go out before i even have a chance to really see what it can do.

i need to reach out to folks who have made it out and ask them how.

i realize i can be bad at networking. partially because i wanna do stuff on my own. partially because i either make friends or i don't; acquaintances, forced mentorships and what have you can feel unnatural and opportunistic. i suppose that's why i never really took full advantage of the student-professor relationship in college.

...or it could have been the trauma from the culture shock. christ. that's a whole other story.

i'll just shut up now.

12.13.2008

on: "gay" marriage

this is one of those things i thought about speaking on, but felt like it was being bandied about in so many ways in so many places, why bother?

but, lemme sum it up so it's outta my head.

your state issues your marriage license, not any church.

no license (from the state), and you're not married. plain & simple.

according to the 14th amendment of the u.s. constitution, everyone in the u.s. has equal protection under the law. this had to be added because of the (ahem) problem posed by having a bunch of free black folk around after the civil war.

therefore, if we truly have separation of church and state, as noted by another one of those pesky constitutional amendments--the first one, in fact--the issue of "gay" marriage isn't an issue at all.

any two consenting adults--whatever that means in your state--should be allowed to enter into a state-recognized contract of marriage if they so choose.

period.
end of story.

whether or not your religious/spiritual institution will perform the ceremony that joins you in the eyes of the god of your understanding is for them to decide, and very few people are arguing that.

but to the judge and the irs, it ought to all be the same.

i don't see the problem.*

thank you and good night.


*of course, i didn't even start in on all the moral/social/spiritual stuff. i decided to keep it short & sweet. in any case, i think the only way to stop this mess dead in its tracks is to remind people that we do, in fact, HAVE a constitution. that seems to have gotten lost in the sauce about 5-7 yrs ago. that document IS the law of the land, and unless and until that's changed--let's hope we haven't gone that insane--we're essentially fiddling while rome's burning. angry at gay marriage when you can't buy food or keep a house? get the fk outta here...

aids burger? word?

some folk STILL don't understand.

there are some "fags" that will break you down...



thanks to crunk & disorderly for the post.

12.08.2008

awakening

everything seems to be clearer. it's coming together. quickly. in totally unexpected ways.

sometimes you forget you've asked, and when the answer comes, it can be disorienting.

other times, you're working in the dark. you grope, putting things together, testing them. occasionally you get a sliver of light to work by, then darkness again. but then the dawn comes and you see that you've birthed a masterpiece.

that's how this feels.

i had to see the answer to remember the question.
i've been working, but by less than candlelight. powered by faith.

but now, finally, the sun's on the horizon.
in the new light, i'm amazed by what i've put together.

maybe i can do anything after all.

i'm not abandoning this space, but as i navigate my shadow project, i'm growing into some new and different spaces and may show up less often. inspiration's taken hold.

stay tuned...

12.04.2008

thank you for...

breakfast!
mornings @ work that feel like mornings @ home
green tea
body awareness
candles
cheap(er) gas
water
ori mi
incense
friends i can talk to on the drive home
pretty journals
love dreams

11.30.2008

goddesspace III

long-time readers will be familiar with the evolution and incarnations of the goddesspace. it started out as a sort of eclectic, crystal-centric space devoted to the divine feminine.

phase two was lovely, but short lived. i never really took to the space, and the end of summer ushered in a strange, difficult phase.

so i started again. the initial idea was great, the execution mediocre.

just as i started to birth the space, money got tight and inspiration waned. but as i've been able to give name and form to the shifts i've been experiencing over the last few weeks, the fog lifted and i could finally give the space the time and attention it deserved (i'm sure the new moon energy didn't hurt, either)...

plenty of light, color, and quartz. triangles enhance energy.


feathers...beauty, expansion, warmth; a reminder to keep the spirit light and prepared for flight.


i'm hoping that this one will last at least as long as the first, if not longer.

self love #5

typically the "self love" posts are more about imagery than words, but inspiration led me to take some good but "too hot for blogger" shots, so i won't be going there.

but i can say that i gained a new appreciation for the ridges and ripples my lovers enjoy.

i got a view of my tummy that made me want to kiss it.

i learned that maybe i shouldn't be so critical of the slope of my breasts; they look very different from outside angles.

my thighs aren't as fat as i think they are.

twisted and turned a certain way, i am full of mountains, valleys, hills and waterfalls.

one shot put me in mind of a melting golden candle.

so, yeah. it's good to be me.

11.26.2008

one minute

Today's Writing Prompt: Transportation
Describe your primary mode of transportation. Do you wish it was different?


these days i'm always on the commuter rail, so yeah, i wish it were different. i enjoy driving more, but...the environment. i wish i could fly or glide or sometimes i think i'd even prefer a bike. i mean, what's better than the wind in your hair? but then... the cars and the exhaust. blah. but yeah. flying would be really, really dope. definitely.

(one minute writer)



little things

getting out of bed at 11:30

pandora.com

dancing around the living room

kitchens

rose quartz salt baths

inspiration

honeyed french toast

raven's nests

hot tea

apple-cherry cider

fafinettes

river dreams

...i'm beginning to think i just needed a day all to myself. time to sleep and to dream. time to reconnect, revision, reset.

11.25.2008

fussing with my muse (again)

i think i'm coming down with another one of those writing compulsions. but i don't know what to write about. that's when it gets particularly frustrating.

there are all these amorphous forms filling up my head. glimmers of ideas or feelings or word arrangements trying to manifest themselves, but with no clear channel for expression.

i suppose i'm the channel, but i don't know exactly what i'm supposed to do.

i can't always be taken over. i don't always have the time.

then again, i can't always shake off the impulse, either.

physically, i'm fine. i.e., i don't feel like some massive cleansing is in order.

spiritually, i'm in some kind of spin cycle.

emotionally, i'm stronger, but still a little fragile. like cooling caramel.

...and there was more, but i got distracted.

y'all have no clue how thankful i am for this five day weekend...

11.22.2008

holy

thank you.

help me.

...the only two prayers i can say right now.

11.21.2008

random blog #128390

it's been a weird couple of days.

time is still blurring hopelessly. it's all i can do to keep myself on task at work. i won't even speak on the house. even coworkers have expressed a general difficulty keeping focus this week.

last night i came home to a disturbed house and barely got to sleep.

the squirrels are in the kitchen walls again. i know they can't get in--and even if they did, they'd have the cat to deal with--but the scratching is maddening.

i'm back to thinking about moving, but will the money be there? probably only if i get that second job...

i have a cake to bake.
twists to redo.
a new goddaughter to see.
bills, bills, bills.
i need some water.

the snowflakes were pretty this morning...

i think i need a break. maybe run to the bank and the grocery store. i want to scrub the kitchen floor and do a quick spiritual cleanse of the whole place. burn more incense. i think i'll feel better then.

11.15.2008

blossoming

i feel like i'm having more interesting conversations with more interesting people.

the world feels more open and full of promise than it has in some time.

it's almost wintertime, but the feeling of fertility makes it seem like spring. i can't even imagine how glorious that actual season will be.

it appears that obama served as a medium for the chant of change...but the energy generated from it is very real. see how spirit works?

we have opened a portal where true, lasting change really is possible.

the work has started.
the mantra has manifested.

2009 is going to be a very compelling year.

11.10.2008

the boogeyman

ok. another scary movie about the illuminati...

(with a bonus blurb on tupac!)



now, as i've said before, i'm about as much of a conspiracy theorist as any other black person in america. however:

(1) if all this illuminati stuff is not (or only partially) true, it's irresponsible to keep tossing it into the wind and

(2) if it IS true, where's the outrage? was there ever a time when we weren't "sheeple"? and, if we know less now than we used to, what changed? were there people who knew about this stuff? what happened to them? how long ago? what about in the rest of the world? are we all idiots?

and, most importantly, where are the solutions? no one ever talks about that.*

plus, it's painfully obvious that enough people don't know (or don't care) to combat these illuminati people, so aren't we all screwed anyway?

i feel the same way about 2012. if it is, in fact, the end of the world due to some cosmic catastrophe and the only way to avoid it is to get off the planet, three years can't save us. the technology's not there, and if it is, only a select few know about it anyway.**

bottom line is, i suppose i question the motives of shock jock conspiracy theorists as much as i do those of the ruling elite.

so, if you're into this sort of thing, feel free to drop me a line. maybe i'm missing something...



*zeitgeist is a notable exception. i recommend it to anyone who's interested in this kind of stuff as a far less alarmist, even handed treatment of the topic.

**personally, i agree with those who say 2012 is meant to usher in the start of a new age of humanity, i.e. spiritual, social and psychological evolution, not the "end of the world". as far as catastrophes are concerned, i'm more worried about the ones tied to global warming than anything that might happen when the planets line up. not to say a big ass comet couldn't hit the planet, but, again, what can we really do about that?

11.06.2008

giving thanks...

no collectors calling me
self awareness
knowing when to buy a cookie for sanity's sake
rose quartz
culinary skills
fresh sheets
resourcefulness
sometimes just not giving a fk

11.05.2008

wow...

i never thought i'd see it. i know my parents and grandparents didn't think so.

but here we are.

america got one right.

dope.

today

...is one of those days when i feel held together by gossamer fairy wings, radish beams and duct tape.

somehow i wound up leaving the house, basically only because i couldn't think of an excuse good enough to warrant not coming in to work (damned work ethic...), despite feeling like my soul was caving in.

the ancestors said they were gonna get me through the day, so i'll have to trust in that. right now, it's the only thing keeping me upright anyway.

11.04.2008

to my rbg, fist-in-the-air, radically black family

i love y'all.
i really do.
but y'all ain't runnin shit.

i understand where you're coming from, but until we have a multiple-party system in this country that reflects the actual diversity of opinion and politics in this country, your message will not be effectively heard.

we've been falling through the cracks too long, and these days counterculture is almost a joke.

don't get me wrong; largely, i agree with you. politically, i'm about as far left as you can get without falling off the continuum. i am a practitioner of traditional african spirituality. i was raised to trust and love my people above all else. i am anti-war, anti-capitalism, and try to remain cognizant of the role of all sentient beings i share the planet with.

but i am also aware that that is not the consciousness that founded, established, and/or runs this nation. and, since it is a nation founded on a european, judeo-christian foundation, it may never be.

i believed the cia put crack into our communities and that 9/11 was a fixed game long before either conspiracy theory became popular (y'all just wait on that 9/11 one...it'll take awhile...). i never supported this mess in iraq. i know my leaders often lie to, cheat, and steal from me--whether i vote for them or not.

but when we have a chance, even if it's a small one, to show the world what more liberal, inclusive, and equitable leadership looks like, we've gotta take it. even if it means taking one for the shitstem.

i know good and hell well obama is not the messiah, and never thought he was. i don't even believe in a messiah--but that's another post.

he doesn't share my history or even my bloodlines, although, presumably, his wife may.

besides, even if he's as different as we're hoping he is--and i'm starting to think he just might be--he's not gonna be able to fix this mess in 4-8 years, 'cause it wasn't made in 4-8 years.

...but neither would mccain.

that said, there are times where you recognize the need to compromise on the macro level in order to make it easier to do what you do on the micro level.

i am not an activist, and don't claim to be. i have love for all of you who feed the community, who raise money and run education campaigns for political prisoners, who tear down this system brick by brick, and who lose life and limb to do so.

but i do see this particular election as a real chance to finally, possibly, have efforts like yours see the light of day. it's already becoming clearer to the mainstream that mobilizing the grassroots is how you truly effect change and get things done.

that's why obama pisses them off--the energy behind his campaign, ideas and platform are reminding us ALL of that fact, and it's imploding reaganomics, the bush administration's lies, and everything in between.

...just like y'all knew it would.

have you noticed that they're finally paying attention? all the misunderstandings, rumor, and innuendo going around about obama that make it painfully obvious that they don't know black folk too well, even after 400-some-odd years?

it's finally sinking in: we're here, we're not going anywhere, and neither are all the other black, brown, yellow and red people they tried to keep under the heels of their boots.

and, horror of horrors, we might even rise up and wind up running their precious, lily white, city-on-a-hill nation.

brothers & sisters, i know you don't "believe" in this thing, but by the will of the universe, we've come to live in it, and most of us are uni-lingual, monocultural products of it, no matter how much marx, fanon, diop, and marimba ani we read.

that doesn't mean it's fair.
doesn't mean it's right.
doesn't mean that our ancestors don't deserve justice.

it just means that change comes in a multitude of manifestations, and sometimes you've gotta look beyond your usual horizon.

so, even if you've never voted before, i hope you vote(d) today.

all power to the people.

with love & in freedom,

~omi~

10.25.2008

nothin to it but to do it...

i feel like i'm in the midst of one of those challenging transitions where i need a lot of quiet.

there's a constant sense of work, strategy, maneuvering.

it's imperative that i keep my spaces clean and clear. clutter equals stress, and dirt is especially irritating.

time is precious and needs to be rationed wisely.

my body's changing again. i'm not sure how to feel about it. my mother told me once that my father's sister--whom i resemble pretty closely--suddenly started to slim down around 30, despite having at least one, if not two, of her daughters by then.

on the other hand, there are folks around me with far more pressing issues...hence, i'd feel almost silly complaining.

but...stress is stress. and i'm trying to keep mine from becoming too overwhelming.

10.18.2008

singlehood chronicles #6

fk it.
seriously.



...and, good night.

10.16.2008

begging for ownership? hell no. / take a negro to task? right on!



ok. so i got blasted with this song not too long ago during a random encounter with an urban radio station...

if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it?

the feminist in me cringed immediately. why does a sensual relationship between two consenting adults have to involve undertones of ownership, constant power struggles, and a tax break in order to be deemed acceptable?*

my enjoyment of and/or emotional connection to a man has no bearing on whether or not he finds me desirable enough to "put a ring on it".

when i want to be monogamous, i am. when i don't, i'm not. and i'm not gonna beg a commitment from anyone who obviously is not content with lil ol' me.

so. fast forward to earlier this week when someone sent a link to this video, giving me the opportunity to listen to the song beginning to end.

it still made my feminist bones ache, but i was forced to make a confession.

she had a point.

as someone who's been in the position of feeling like a man is wasting your time and your precious divine energy by failing to make a commitment beyond sexual fidelity, it does ring true.

you don't want to see me with anyone else? don't bore the hell outta me. you want to avoid a shattered ego? make a move.

while i don't think it's a good idea to go flaunting new dude in front of old dude when his numbers are barely deleted from your SIM card, there is definitely something to be said for losing your place in line.

brothas, please note: we will not wait for you forever--despite what we might say to you when we're deeply in love--and the farther we are from, say, 18 or 21, the more we mean that.

we all know the man who's been on some, "yeah...i cheated once or twice, and i don't never call when i'm gonna be out late with the fellas and i banged up her car that one time, BUT SHE AIN'T HAVE TO LEAVE ME!!" this song is for you.

[sidenote: a recent conversation with the ex noted that brothas are, slowly but surely, stepping up 'cause, "we sense y'all are gonna take our sweet honey away." to which i replied, "GOOD."]

and, to be fair, there are the usual dangers of the wrong women making this their anthem. specifically, ones who wanna use songs like this to avoid looking in the mirror and facing their own knee-high bullshit. or the ones who just want to perpetuate unnecessary forms of drama. sistagirl, that ain't cool.

so, ms. carter, if this is truly intended to be a call for the (fully grown) sistas who've done the work and put in the time to tell their mates to step up or step off, i'm with you.

...feelin' the choreography, too. word to bob fosse.




*to be clear, i am not anti-marriage. i believe that a deep, spiritually and temporally committed union supported by family, friends and loved ones is totally possible and wondrous. i am, at heart, a serial monogamist. it is the judeo-christian institution full of "submission", "helpmeets", and other disparate notions of gender inequality, authority, and further perpetuation of the nuclear family myth/pod--in situations where that family structure is inherently dismissive of community--that pisses me off.

10.15.2008

thoughts on the debate?

grow up, america.

honestly? i am pissed that we are even bandying about these elementary ass issues that every other industrialized, western nation has done something about or acted like fking GROWN UPS on...on paper at the very least.

we need to get on the ball, and fast. this is really not helping anybody. we're so far behind, it's not even funny.

one of the most pointed things that obama did was speak about looking 10 years down the line.

that's the energy we need, not a symbol of the breed that's dying in state and parliment houses all over the world.

thinking only about the next 4-8 years and then expecting that to garner some kind of change is ridiculous, at best.

get a grip.

vote for whoever you want to--we're not gonna get outta this mess in less than a decade (or more) anyway. may even take a generation. and i'm sure you can already guess where i'm leaning.

but we need to take a good, long look at what we're doing and what we're turning into. and if we wanna make it better, we need to start thinking like big boys and girls, not infantile automatons fueled on xenophobic fear, soundbites, and walmart goods.

playtime's over, y'all.

blessed serendipity

it's been a rough few weeks, and the sudden onset of pms isn't helping.

i was feeling kinda blah this morning when i boarded the bus. but then i looked up and saw the full moon still high in the sky. the sunrise was at my back.

i briefly acknowledged and gave thanks for the sun's rainbow sherbert display, but turned back to the moon to ask for strength.

something in the cloud pattern took me back to august when i sat on the beach with yemonja. that morning, i could also see the moon and sun together.

almost immediately, i felt blessed beyond measure. my trials are simply an ebo, and it's temporary.

i will see the other side & be just fine.

10.10.2008

emergency gratitude list

i've been stating my needs a lot lately...probably a good time to count my blessings...

unexpected encounters
good friends
mint tea
love
my cooking skills
a body that's pretty healthy even when it's sick-ish
a cat that kills nasty, icky bugs
cheap(er) grocery stores
a working car
sick time
a comfortable bed w/ lots of pillows
being able to do laundry @ mom's house

9.27.2008

singlehood chronicles #5

this realization is still holding strong and true...

i'm finding that i'm surrounded by love, but in a strange-bedfellow sort of way.

i am not in love. but i do have several of my needs met.

i feel adored, cherished, and loved. still, i can admit that i only have about 1/2 (good day), 1/3 (not so good day), or none (bad day) of what i really want.

as the days get shorter and colder, i know that summer exuberance will give way to my cold-weather cocoon. meeting people will be much lower on my totem pole when staying warm, soup, and new year's conjuring become priorities.

do i want to cast one more love spell before the leaves turn?
should i pack it up until spring?

eh.

i've got a lot on my mind, but i should probably lie down awhile...

earth song

yeah, i know. it's mike. and everybody's got an opinion about mike.

but still.

this is still one of the most powerful songs i've ever heard.

the video is equally stunning...the image of people trying to massage life back into the earth can still bring tears to my eyes.

9.26.2008

lights, camera, action (breakdown pt. 2)

i've been thinking along these lines again...

all last week, before the cold grabbed me, i'd been feeling like i really needed to cry, let loose. but it's extremely difficult for me to release without a catalyst. crying often requires a logical progression of carefully controlled environmental factors.

i tricked myself into all this a long time ago. as a good little girl who didn't want to get anyone into trouble, i got exceptionally good at hiding my pain.

i had rules:
  • if you must cry, only cry when you know you're utterly alone.
  • if you're caught, say it's about something else.
  • talk to the dolls, your angels, and god.
  • breathe deeply. inhale the tears.
  • in a pinch, push it all down into your stomach (note: remember not to eat for a few hours after this trick)
all that sort of thing.

not only did i get good at hiding my feelings from other people, i became proficient at hiding them from myself. i learned that it could be hard to hide the tears when i couldn't stop the ugly thoughts rushing through my mind. sometimes i had to get up early. or stay up late. i didn't have time.

mostly, i just put my fingers in my ears and refused to listen. and more of that stomach-pushing.

occasionally i took it out on a boyfriend or lover, or cloaked it in a dream like haze to take the edge off. the most benign option: find a way to fictionalize it and write it out.

these were my survival tactics and, as such, have been difficult to relinquish.

the very idea of letting go, showing weakness--even when i'm alone--can terrify me.

some part of me is stuck in time, holding back that huge dam of black water that threatens to overtake and kill me if i let it out.

but i know better.
the water's been drained, purified, redirected, released.
the pain is not what it was.
i am not who i was.

lately, these kinds of revelations are coming in waves. i know it's part of a push to revert me back to my true(st) self, but even that's laced with fear. it's a self i don't quite remember.

i cannot begin to explain how difficult it is to consciously remember what i was "before". i used to think my cloudy memories were simply a manifestation of how i process information. now i wonder if it's really a symptom of the neutralization of so many powerful, life-altering feelings.

hm.

apparently, when i was younger, i used to say i wanted to grow up to be an actress.

it'd be interesting to see what i could do on a stage with all this real-life training...

9.25.2008

love the lord, but keep your common sense

i've been having some really interesting conversations lately...

one thing that came up today was the notion of calling folks on the jeezus train** "stupid".

while i saw his point, i hesitate to call anyone "stupid" for their faith. i could easily be called a lot of things for killing a chicken.

but...i'd definitely call it "misinformed".

it's my firm opinion that any time your god has you suffering on the planet s/he supposedly put you on, something's wrong. something's also wrong when just about any and everything that feels good/right is arbitrarily forbidden. for everyone. (e.g., premarital sex is WRONG, even if you're not a sex addict, even if you're in love and monogamous, even if it's a mutual source of comfort and connection, etc.)

bottom line: i could care less if you pray by standing on your head and shouting "shabadoo!" 10 times a day...but you better have food on your table and your kids better have a future.

if you're more worried about what's going to happen after you die than how you're living right now, that's just plain anti-common sense.

but it's a damned good way to keep "the people" down and out.



**there was reference to another convo about the difference between baby jesus and grown ass man jesus.

baby jesus is a good way to make folks take all the crap you throw at them...meek and mild and rosy cheeked and all that. christmas stories in hushed tones. but folks who can look grown jesus in the face understand that he was a man who was a political prisoner, revolutionary, sorcerer (let's be real), and--word to sarah palin--a community organizer.

followers of baby jesus tend to be, well, a lot more binary in their thinking. everything's black and white. all the social justice/liberally minded christians i've known have had a lot more to say about GAM jesus.

9.21.2008

ah, stress...

what i thought was just a simple, stress induced sore throat turned into a sinus attack/cold that's had me in bed (well, on the couch...easier to sleep sitting up there) practically all weekend.

if you're on the east coast, double up on that vitamin c. i know folks who are sick in DE, PA, DC...something's coming in w/ the change of seasons.

ugh.

i'll be back when the fog clears.

9.14.2008

note from a formerly fractured woman

(inspired by this entry over at incredible juju)

i understand why i make you uncomfortable.

the women you are used to seeing are not fully themselves.

they have forgotten how to read the face of the moon, let alone howl at it.

their magic is locked up tight in their ignored wombs,
in soccer practice,
in music lessons,
and heat-and-serve meals.

the women you are used to only feel vague stirrings of their wild witchiness.

(the goddess can be hard to hear over cnn and oprah's guru of the moment)

the power of their dreams has been eclipsed by reason.

but i am one of the old ones returned.
born knowing better,
seeing more,
holding the keys.

i, too, had to live in this world
and suffered some amnesia.

but you cannot fool me any longer,
nor harm me.

i will love you from afar if necessary,
but i will not suffer a fool.

you are more than the world has offered you.
warrior, protector, provider...yes.
but also
the action of our inspiration.
support system.
strategist.

go and do your work.

then join me.

(c) l.a.m. 2008

9.10.2008

mommy moments

i'm sure we've all witnessed mommy moments.

i came up with the term after seeing my best friend interact with her first child. there were little phrases they exchanged, strings of ridiculous baby talk in the middle of supposedly adult conversations, tearful first days at school (i STILL don't quite get that one...), etc.

mommy moments can happen anywhere and at any time. sometimes they're cute, other times they mean your doom (e.g., the look).

they can even happen once you're grown and no longer living at home...

i was in the middle of the most gangsta shakespeare play i'd ever seen when my mom called. a little girl in a commercial had just reminded her of me as a child. she gushed over how sweet i was, that i was a calming influence on the whole house.

but the sweetest thing was her saying, "i don't know what i did to deserve you."

i basically sat there with my mouth open. i thanked her, but honestly? i was just getting to the good part of the movie, and i can take my mother's sentimental spells for granted. so my reaction was largely, "um...ok...thanks?" and some nervous laughter.

but, i'm gonna have to thank her today, 'cause that was a really nice thing to hear. there are a lot of folks who either wish they could relive those mommy moments, or long to witness one from their own mother.

those moments are how i learned what i was like as a child, and how much of that little girl has remained with me. it's also nice that she's accepted the adult version of me because i was "always special".

she paid enough attention to notice all of that and nurture it, so i'm very grateful.

truthfully, i don't know what i did to deserve her, either.

so, thanks for the moment, mom. love you.

9.08.2008

game.over.

don't fall for the okeydoke, y'all.

According to this definition, Sarah Palin does, indeed, have ‘executive experience.’ And so does every other governor and mayor in this country. But, I ask you, are all mayors and governors now qualified to be vice president of these United States?*

The obvious answer to this question is ‘no, all mayors and governors are not qualified to be vice president of these United States.’

And this is the point where McCain surrogates and supporters retort: “but, she has MORE executive experience than Obama does!”

And that makes about as much sense as comparing Palin’s qualifications to McCain’s. By the measure of ‘executive experience,’ McCain is less qualified to lead the U.S. than Palin. She’s also much more dynamic, and less likely to die in office. Perhaps she should be at the top of the ticket?

Some people believe that the years Obama spent as a constitutional law professor at a top university, as an Illinois state senator, and as a U.S. senator aren’t equal to Palin’s years on a small city council, mayor of a city with a population of 6,000, and (20 months) as governor of the 47th largest state in the union. Some people think that Obama’s experience outweighs Palin’s.

9.06.2008

overflow...

i walked in hoping i'd be able to get down some thoughts and feelings, but i can't seem to form the words yet. everything is just too amorphous and full of pure emotion and feeling...

but i am happy
and grateful.

the universe is conspiring to revert me
to my fuller-than-full,
brazen hussy,
flirtatious,
bliss-creating,
pleasure-loving self.

...and i am ecstatic.

8.30.2008

heritage



if you've been paying attention, you know i'm not christian. you also may have picked up that i'm not really fully subscribed to the institution of matrimony.

however, this video speaks to me.

she reminds me of baby suggs preaching in the clearing.

the power of the crone, the elder. the way(s) we instinctively understand how to bring spirit into our midst.

it's obvious that some force came down to bless this union--or, at the very least, to impart some wisdom to those involved. whether it was a powerful ancestor, an angelic force, or the all-encompassing holy spirit, it's beautiful to witness.

8.28.2008

singlehood chronicles # 4

so now the evil little thoughts have started to seep in...

"oh god...what happens if he decides he doesn't like me??"
"i can't keep going with this...i might get hurt!"
"he might say 'no'..."
"this feels too nice..."

*record scratch*

hold up.

this is not me.

since my healing began 13 years ago, i have been blessed with the ability to be near fearless in love, lust, and everything in between.

however, spending most of my 20s in an almost incessant cycle of karma breaking and lesson learning gave me a pretty decent case of amnesia.

i'd almost forgotten that risks are good...and important.

besides, my heart could very well be approaching unbreakable status. one gift of my struggle has been a near seamless internalization of reason-season-lifetime.

i am secure in my love of spirit and love of self. that, by extension, makes me secure in all things.

i can love without labels, give without remorse, and spread honey and glitter with abandon. i can share this wonderment with whomever i choose.

and so what if i happen to shed a few tears along the way? being human, it's easy to forget what i (deeply) know.

what's key is that i come back to this place, every time. because i've done the work. because i know.

thus, i was able to soothe myself: "honey, if he doesn't want you, then he's not the one. for every 'no' he could possibly say to you, you'll hear 'yes' in a hundred different ways. and it feels good because it's supposed to."

8.27.2008

womb wonder

ladies, ladies, ladies.

can we talk?

if you have never allowed your sweet spot to do your thinking for you*, i invite you to try.

since i performed the anger ritual, renewed my bathing practices**, and listened for Her whispers, i've been feeling lighter and freer each day.

this morning, i woke up feeling delicious.

i worked most of my day barefoot and listening to great music.

i had fun singing at the top of my lungs in bumper to bumper traffic.

i came home, greedily ate my fill and topped it off with a candy bar because i felt like it.

i'm glowy and loving and free spirited today...

all because i remembered that i am a microcosm of the goddess.

i have a lovely, healthy, radiant kitty (i'm SO not talking about my cat...) that adores me.

i am honored by the visions and dreams that come when i listen to her.

all hail the gateway to life...



*if you are out of touch with your womb/clitoris/sexual energy, try connecting to some online information like this, books like the clitoral truth, or a gynocentric sex shop like babeland. and, if necessary, don't be afraid of support groups and individual therapy.

**iba yemonja. so often, my healing comes from water. i could never have felt this wonderful without her healing waters. adupe o for washing my feet and accepting my offerings. olugbe-rere ko, olugbe-rere ko, olugbe-rere ko. gbe rere ko ni olu-gbe-rere. ase.

maferefun oshun, latojoku awede we mo. my mother, my heart, the source of all my bliss. i give thanks and i honor you, always. ore yeye o! ase.

self love # 4

blurs & beads...





8.26.2008

giving thanks...

working downtown
incense
yummy salads
ritual
casamena's podcasts
chocolate chip cookies
downtime @ work
digital cameras
cool breezes
family
bedroom windows
mango scented soap
release
pandora radio
tea lights
sister circles
friends
dreams
health benefits
my womb
words
knowing when to write "no send" letters
...and knowing when to write AND send
water
pocket money

8.23.2008

embracing ambiguity

to elaborate a bit on my last baby post...

ok. so it'd be fantastic to have a baby, right? because, for me, that would mean that i'm in a stable, loving relationship that's reached a point of consciousness, maturity, and connectedness where a physical and spiritual example of that love has come into existence.

all good.

on the other hand, most days i'm glad that i was not born with a consciousness that made motherhood central to my sense of full womanhood.

let me be clear: i am not anti-reproduction. i love children. i have friends who are brilliant mothers. i adore my godchildren. i believe motherhood is a calling--just like nursing, teaching or the priest(ess)hood--therefore, (a) women who are not called to it are not traitors to their reproductive organs and (b) forcing a non-mother into motherhood is the fastest way to drive a woman insane.

...but because so many of us ARE raised to feel like traitors if we are unsure about babies--in ways subtle and overt--it can be frightening what some women are willing to do, say and put up with just to fit the cultural norm of a good, acceptable woman. in the black community, i fear that it may be part of what's killing us.

i really don't understand how people are raising daughters to be good, quiet, prolifically reproducing helpmeets in the 21st century.

i'm not saying we don't need intimate relationships. we do. i just think that we're a generation (or more) behind in redefining heterosexual relationships and gender roles so that they work for us and not against us.

because of all the patriarchal, capitalist bullshit we're fed--by the stuff around us if not in our homes--the subconscious and not-so-subconscious message is still that the man has to be in charge and whoever brings home the cash has the power. sigh.

y'all, there's a reason for that poster saying capitalism isn't healthy for children and other living things. and there are all kinds of gifts and power that money will never buy.

all this makes me wonder what family structures were really like before colonization, industrialism, capitalism, and international superpowers, particularly in communities of color. with all being in divine order, sometimes i wonder if we're experiencing a return to something the history books never told us. that this isn't a "breakdown" in some respects, but a transition.

however, it's a transition that the powers that be are afraid, unwilling, and/or ill prepared to support.

in any case, i'm thankful each and every day that my parents raised me to be independent, self-directed, and forward thinking. that my mother could be an opinionated, intelligent woman and my father loved and respected her for it. that they worked together to illustrate how their individual strengths combined to make a stronger unit, independent of genitalia.

even if i never have a baby or get married, at least i have an excellent notion of the way it should be done.

and if not buying the bullshit kicks me out of the running, so be it.

i will not apologize (c) the roots



to some degree, i agree with her.

on the other hand, hearing she's an israelite got my TKON antenna up...but more on that later.

first of all, i don't expect her to elaborate too much within 4 minutes. and i appreciate her honesty here. that's a reality for many of us (and men as well).

i think that this sista and i have some things in common. we are both lovers of our people, desiring of love, peace, and joy, trying to make our way in this crazy, crazy world. she's obviously a beautiful, intelligent woman, and i appreciate her being brave enough to speak her truth.

secondly, anyone who reads this blog probably knows by now that i don't understand how anyone takes anything in the bible literally.* it makes far more sense as metaphor. i tend to compare literal (mis)understandings of the bible to a group of folks finding a mangled copy of the matrix trilogy 1000 years from now, trying to fill in the plot holes, and calling it the one true religion.

that said...

"blame the feminists" does not and never has flown with me. anyone who has ever seriously researched the movement easily discovers that the feminism this sista alludes to (particularly in its nascent stages) had SHIT to do with women of color. in fact, most white women leaders were neglectful towards, if they didn't outright shun, women of color.

women of color were forced to develop a parallel movement based on their own issues which some later called womanism. black, chicana, latina/hispanic, and native american women have always had different relationships to their men, and the movement for liberation often included things like resisting domestic violence, condemning the criminalization of their men and upholding their culture, language, and family structure.

black women may not have needed to be "liberated" from our men, but we did (and still do) need to liberate ourselves and our mates from the racism, classism, and sexism that plague our lives. again, history tells us that our men did not feel the need to lead women around by their necks until they were influenced by the followers of abraham.

i do agree that there are plenty of sweet, loving, wonderful sistas who act as the embodiments of nurturing, sweetness, compassion, and love. i'm one of them. but i don't see the problem with being "independent", particularly in this day and age.

the statistics are what they are, and the damage has been done. if our mates are late showing up to our lives, should we remain lonely, broke, and unfulfilled in the meantime? if we heal and come into our full selves, we can support and love our brothers while also saying, "come to me ready, or not at all" until they take charge of their own healing processes.

that, to me, is not counterrevolutionary, harsh, or "against god". the consequences of the dance of wounded souls are apparent each and every day. there are too many babies being born to parents who are ill prepared to care for, love, and nurture them. we need to stop, look, listen, and HEAL before we usher the ancestors back into the world.

the socioeconomic separation of black women and men is/was perpetuated by the white supremacist system that viewed women as less threatening (and allowed them to slip under the economic radar with things like domestic work & hair care) and criminalized the men.

i agree that we have fallen into the trap of keeping up with our WASP-y neighbors, but even that wasn't possible until the mid-late 60s and integration. before that, segregation--with all its ills--offered a social, economic, spiritual, and intellectual isolation that actually assisted the black community in many ways.

i just sighed at the commentary on lesbians. sexual abuse and the lack of understanding between the sexes that the author herself alludes to are probably far more salient factors in chosen homosexuality--which i think is blown largely out of proportion by similarly minded folks--than a lack of trust/faith in the black man.

sexuality is a continuum, gender roles are socially/culturally assigned, and some of us are just born that way. the faster we can accept those truths, the better.

having seen a lot of male israelites and very few of their women, i take many of their missives with a heavy dose of salt. i'd be reluctant to join up with any group that seems to only involve women as an afterthought and/or as a mere accompaniment to the male backbone of the organization.

*steps off soapbox*

thanks for your time.

*i do believe that the old testament was meant to be taken literally, HOWEVER, it was also speaking to the very specific culture, law and mores of a particular group of people. that group was pretty small, and most african ppl at the time didn't have jack to do with it. it's also quite difficult to understand in the absence of complete study of the torah (some of that's oral, y'all) and other jewish scriptures.

the new testament is a series of esoteric metaphors, largely meant for initiates. based on what i've seen/read, it was not taken literally in its day and should not be now. if you can dig deep enough to get to the meaning behind the metaphor, be my guest. but it's been my experience that the "keys to the kingdom" are far more accessible in metaphysical systems such as yoga, hinduism, orisa, vodou, akan, native american/indigenous spirituality, etc., and that's why they are perceived as a threat.

8.21.2008

self love # 3

"Here," she said, "in this here place, we flesh; flesh that weeps, laughs; flesh that dances on bare feet in grass. Love it. Love it hard... And O my people they do not love your hands. Those they only use, tie, bind, chop off and leave empty. Love your hands! Love them. Raise them up and kiss them. Touch others with them, pat them together, stroke them on your face 'cause they don't love that either. You got to love it, you!"

~Baby Suggs, from
Beloved


massage training helped me gain a new appreciation for hands and touch.

according to my mother, i have my grandmother's hands...that's always fascinated me since those are the only parts of her i remember with any certainty.





these days, i feel like they spend a lot of time covered in shea butter, palm oil, or dishwater.




but they're mine, and i love them.

the power of ritual

i started in on another pity party today, and decided enough was enough.

i started looking online for techniques for releasing anger, and found this.

it's a brief, but very effective ritual. i modified it a little according to my intuition (e.g., i found it necessary to cool/clear the energy after the release), but i'm glad that i found it now that the moon is waning. it's an excellent time to remove and lift things that are no longer serving, so that i can start fresh with the new moon at the end of the month.

i feel lighter already. and i'm thankful.

8.20.2008

self love #2

the girls! (totally PG, don't get excited. lol)






one of my profile pics. i'm rather partial to my collarbones/neckline. tee hee.

8.13.2008

pitter patter

i heard a bunch of kids playing outside last night, and it kinda made me feel a way about how things could have been.

i often find myself torn between the joyous freedom and flexibility of my kid-free life, and the wonder i feel around the experience of pregnancy, birthing and mothering.

but, all things considered, i've decided that kids are, at best, optional. at worst, they're a statistical improbability.

emotionally, it's not so cut and dry.

8.11.2008

chasing amy

ok, so, i got chasing amy from netflix recently, seeing as it's one of those movies that everyone kept telling me i had to see.

my relationship with kevin smith had a rocky start. i was in my late h.s./early college years when he was putting out clerks and mallrats. cosmo tried to get me into his stuff, but...i simply wasn't feeling it. i recall him attempting to indoctrinate me during a lazy saturday afternoon in bed. about 10 minutes into mallrats, i demanded that he "turn this shit off".

now, with a little more life experience and a slightly modified sense of humor, i'm cool with smith. i loved dogma on sight, and he's probably one of the few people who's stuff i'd throw down $8-10 to see, no questions asked.

so, back to chasing amy.

the whole madonna/whore dichotomy has always pissed me off. when holden made his plea to alyssa in the car, my heart melted. i started thinking of how much i miss being in love, those first stirrings of knowing that this person is just wonderfully right for you (at least for now...lol), and building up to the first moment you let them know. the honesty, the passion, all that romantic shit.

and then he finds out--via an infantile, sexually frustrated, hatin ass so-called best friend--that the girl has a "past" and throws it all away.

...only to wise up later.

dumbass.

having been on alyssa's end of this latent male wisdom, i'm sorry i didn't see this sooner. it might have cushioned some of the blows i've gotten since.

i would rant and rave over where hayden got off blasting alyssa for living a little, but i know where he got off.

just like i know where banky got off with his the-man-doth-protest-too-much homophobia.

praise be to my mom & dad, i don't know what it's like to be uptight about just about every bodily function and every position that ain't missionary. but a lot of folks do--and are still living there well into adulthood.

hence hayden's hangups and inability to cope with alyssa--who, to me, embodied the free-wheeling, no holds barred feminine principle.

and we all know what happened to the feminine principle.

the movie touches on the ways in which sons are guided while daughters are either imprisoned or left to fend for themselves (e.g. alyssa's parents never being home). our desires are worthless, fleeting, and/or inconsequential.

boys get to take over the world while girls walk around in a daze wondering why they're here at all--unless it's to get the boys, who are in charge, to like them.

alyssa's what happens when (a) the "good girl" type isn't properly internalized and (b) the boys don't matter so much.

and men wonder why their girlfriends don't tell them shit. 90% of y'all couldn't handle it if we did.

what alyssa (and the proverbial amy) said was true: if we want you, we want you. all the other stuff doesn't matter.

we have to find ourselves just like you do, only there's no "wrong" way for men to do so.

kudos to smith for turning this stuff on its head and bringing it to the light of day as, i suppose, only a good catholic boy could do.

menfolks: i love y'all, i swear i do, but PLEASE find a way to handle the egos. thanks.

8.10.2008

another love daughter

may i present sensualizer, a sista i became acquainted with through myspace.

she has created a virtual church to the power of womanhood that i am greatly enjoying.

hope you like it, too.

self love #1

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

~maya angelou








8.09.2008

she will be loved...

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

[in the background]
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Yeah
[softly]
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Try so hard to say goodbye

8.08.2008

i've returned...

somewhere between last night and this morning, i came back.

lately, i'm aware of these gray spells...spontaneous underworld excursions that twist me and turn me until i'm nearly exhausted.

and then i come back.

suddenly the dreams and whispers make sense. i don't feel like i'm walking in a haze or trying to see through a barely transparent veil.

i'm joyful, comforted, and comforting.
prayers are answered.

it all seems to be related to the moon...when it goes dark, so do i. as it waxes, i become more empowered. by the full moon, i'm wide-eyed and captivated, in love with the world.

i suppose i should have expected a month with two eclipses and two new moons to be a rollercoaster ride.

i'm learning. slowly, but i'm learning.

8.07.2008

she got me...

ok, i'll bite...

10 years ago: oh goddess...these are always difficult. i can never remember things in terms of years. i would have been 20. in college. 1998. the year before i met him again. i don't remember who i was dating. i spent a lot of time in college getting over the culture shock and counting the days til i could see the baltimore skyline again...

5 things on today's to-do list:
1. keep from crying. (too much. in front of people.)
2. straighten up/wash the dishes.
3. have at least one decent dream and remember to write it down.
4. get up on time in the morning.
5. allow myself to be myself.

snacks i enjoy:
trader joe's white popcorn.
anything milk chocolate and caramel-filled.
potato chips!
cashews

things i would do if i were a millionaire:
buy a house.
travel incessantly
invest like hell...make that money make money
get all my best friends on a plane and take us somewhere fantastic
get more pets
get initiated in nigeria and take my family/ile with me
give a few hundred thousand dollars away to people doing good shit
take the time to sit down and write something
go shopping!!!
hire a housekeeper


5 places i've lived : there haven't been 5 (wow). just my mom's house, boston, and my apartment.

on my mind...

grief
hope
getting back to me
impatience
passion
books
growth
pain
movement
confusion
beauty
help
strength
friendship
safety
waiting
love
frustration
wanting
disassociation
vacation
ecstasy

7.30.2008

balancing act

sometimes i feel like it's too much work for me to take care of me.

if i focus on the house, my diet suffers.
a bad bout of pms, and my house goes to hell. (eating habits, too)
if i go on a pampering binge, laundry doesn't get done.

etc and so on.

i know i've been emotionally spoiled. i.e., when a tangible, profound exchange of love and loving is not happening in my life, i notice it. blame the comfort and security of my childhood.

i know that there are far worse things to be, know, and long for. i'm not knocking my blessings. my ori wisely chose this path, probably so i would not have to struggle through all sorts of psychological and emotional trauma.

however, for most of my adult life, i've been able to easily replace that familial loving with some very dynamic lovers, suitors, paramours, and the like.

i don't think that will be as easy now.

it takes more to get me open than it did at 18 or 23, and that's as it should be.

but i still miss the love.
what can i do about that?

then again, i also miss my disposable income, energy, and yoga classes.

there's gotta be a happy medium.

7.28.2008

a reminder.

if you're half steppin, don't bother steppin at all.
i don't want maybes, buts, excuses or apologies.

if you want me, say so.
if you don't, say that too.

if you want to know, ask, and i'll tell you.
if you hold up a jewel in front of me, it'd better be for me.

yeah, tension's ok and all, but right now? i want satisfaction.

i've done enough waiting.
i've had enough of sometimes, almosts, and coulda/shouldas.

i need firm ground to stand on, promises fulfilled, adoration repaid.

if you've promised me nothing, you owe me nothing.
but don't come knocking and talking big, 'cause that'll get you nowhere.

potential means very little.
i'm sorry, but that ship has sailed.
results, movement, progress, evolution...that's everything.

i'd rather be that woman and keep my soul than watch it wither away and call it a home.


...and i'm going to keep saying it until he shows up.

the he who can do what he says...not just think about it or visualize it.
who isn't afraid.
who doesn't back down--from me or himself.
who will fight for me like i'll fight for him.
who will know that i'm his from my walk, my smile, and my laugh.
who realizes that not being co-dependent doesn't mean i don't need him.


this rant brought to you by a bona fide omo sango moment. kawo kabiyesile!

7.27.2008

fresh

beginnings of the new altar




overhead view (those are goddess figurines on the right...moon/bird, earth/voluptuous venus, quan yin)




$5 angel figurine i found at the salvation army...i didn't intend to put her there, but she felt perfect. i think it's the expression on her face. and that's one of my favorite ways to seat myself, too.

7.26.2008

playing along...

got this over here...

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here’s how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you're cool…

Opening Credits:
saul williams, "sunday bloody sunday"
uh...

Waking Up:
cassandra wilson, "tarot"
that could work. i need to be told "don't give up" lately.

First Day At School:
d'angelo, "smooth"
never. lol. i'm always a wreck.

Falling In Love:
common, "the people"
wtf?

Fight Song:
meshell n'degeocello, "headline"
???

Breaking Up:
madlib, "sitar ride"
*shrug*

Prom:
rachelle ferrell, "i can explain"
that actually fits...it was a rather traumatic evening...

Life:
jamiroquai, "you are my love"
hmm...

Mental Breakdown:
4hero, "2-BS-74638"
does sound a little unstable...

Driving:
meshell n., "mu-min"
depends on the drive...

Flashback:
cassandra wilson, "love is blindness"
LOL. yeah. could be...

Getting Back Together:
adele, "best for last"
perfect, considering my last situation.

Wedding:
adele, "tired"
wow.

Birth of Child:
erykah badu, "time's a wastin"
no $hit...

Final Battle:
madlib, "dark alley incidental music"
i can dig it.

Death Scene:
ursula rucker, "broken"
good title...

Funeral Song:
adele, "chasing pavements"
hmm...

End Credits:
bugz in the attic, "dreams come true"
i hope so...

7.25.2008

...in the spirit of rebuilding

it's time to re-imagine the goddesspace.

the energy's shifted significantly. even the pothos cutting has wilted quite a bit.

this isn't unusual or distressing--it often happens when i create this sort of space. eventually i have to dismantle and clear it, then start with something new.

it's been almost a year, so it's a good sign that the prayers and intentions i've put in have done their work, and it's time to move to the next phase.

this incarnation will probably focus on clarity and vision, which means more white/clear things. completely new candles. particular arrangements of crystals. i may skip the earth elements (stones, plants) in favor of more air and ether.

maybe...

3 tealights (body, mind, spirit, triple goddess, etc.)
goddess card spreads
plenty of quartz, aquamarine, and amethyst

it's tempting to start building it now, but better to wait for the new moon.

...i can still make a trip to ikea, though!

and i still really, really want my love room...

one day.

steppin to the mic

thinking about this entry again...

i went to an open mic last night at the urging of a couple of talented brothas, and i had a nice time. lots of very talented folks came through and performed.

i also realized that i have no desire to go back to that scene--at least not as a participant.

i'm not saying i'll never write a poem again--i just wrote one the other day--and i'd most certainly go to poetry/spoken word events ("i need to get out more" is a vast understatement). but i don't have any need to share my own musings beyond these online spaces.

the selective stage fright has dissipated. the idea of reading doesn't fill me with dread, but there's also no burning need to speak my peace.

time and space, apparently, have neutralized me.

i'm always going to write because, well, it's what i do. but perform? probably not.

for now, i'll keep (most of) my notebooks, but there will be a massive digital purge. it's all just dead creative weight at this point; fragments that have been lying around for so many years, there's no way to know how to reassemble them.

some things i've "thought" of, i've seen written since. it was my personal proof of the theory that ideas are literally floating through the air, and you and 500 other folks might discover a concept at the same time, but only one or two will actually flesh it out in a way that exposes it to the wider world. the other 498-499 will simply think you a genius when you do.

i've probably lost more half novels and semi second drafted stories than i've ever written--either to outdated technology, the death of my laptop, lost disks, torn up notebooks, etc. and so on--hence the paragraph under this blog's title.

and i'm not sad about it.

i don't know if it's because i'm still finding my voice, or that i'm just not meant to write the next great (american?) novel.

but i'm coming to think of writing as not my calling, but simply a vessel of expression i excel at.

perhaps i will write a book or a blog about my calling that will pull it all together...

but, i'm not a slam poet.
or a mc.
i'm probably not even a novelist or story writer, despite my bits of training.

just a girl who plays with words now and then.