happy (i guess) holidays...

for the past several years, it seems i've found myself in some state of grief near christmas, filled with spontaneous emotional releases and harsh crying jags.

i'm elated for anyone who adores this season, but all i want to do is hide under my bed til everything's over and the xmas carols stop.

wait. let me rewind a bit.

i had great holidays as a kid, so it's not about that. actually, i almost see christmas as a children's holiday that loses its charm as you get older. the one redeeming event is seeing children so enthralled with the season and its stories. i love seeing my godkids and little cousins open their presents, talk about santa, and all that.

similarly, the religious element never really held any sway. much to my mother's chagrin, a lot of church stuff simply didn't take. (sorry, mom)

but, let's be real. you're supposed to be in the christmas spirit all year 'round...just like giving thanks ain't just for thanksgiving.

so, now, entering winter means going through all sorts of spontaneous, painful releases that thankfully let up with the new year. when a lot of ppl are dealing with mid-january "post holiday blahs", i'm feeling pretty relieved/renewed because all that stuff is behind me. the ancestral energy calms down, and i have spring and a birthday to look forward to.

seems kinda backward, given the cultural "norms", but i can really hate having to be in the holiday spirit! when it just reminds me of all the family members who aren't here anymore, not to mention seeing my parents go through their own blues. my mother because of family losses--particularly missing her mother, who loved the season. she's a fan of retail therapy. apparently my father suffered a recently re-awakened, christmas-related war trauma. suffice it to say it's no wonder he chose to go to work most years.

it's also been almost a year since the miscarriage. and, considering everything that's happened since, i often wonder if that was my first and last chance at having a family of my own. but that's another story for another day.

maybe, on some level, this is the natural way of seeing the solstice and the new year? i've read about how the so-called pagans saw winter as a harbinger of darkness (sleeping sun) and reflection; a sort of hermitage that lifted in spring.

maybe my body and spirit have taken on those natural rhythms and refuse to conform to the shiny, commercialism-filled veneer that's been slathered over it all.

my german-irish blood must still have me standing in the forest with my cauldron, watching the earth go to sleep. all the african parts are confounded by winter, regardless. guess the asian and the indigenous sections are out to lunch.

so, today's lesson: if someone seems somber instead of overflowing with hall-decking joy between thanksgiving and january 1st, be patient and kind. this isn't a joyous time for everyone.

(of course, today would be our office holiday party...)