one month

mid-december
get the usual approaching moon time signals, no big deal. go on about life, thinking i'll be doin my thing in a week.


late december
nothing happens. blame the solstice (they usually throw me off a few days)
feeling a little off, breasts hellishly achy
realize i haven't had a period since late november...


new year's day
take (another) pee test 'cause the ones with the crosses were too confusing.
get those two lines.
surprise, surprise.


jan 2
return to work. make gyn appointment.
won't know shit (for sure) til the 17th.


jan 12, afternoon
can't wait, take the 2nd pee test (week + 4 days later...anything hormonally-related would cause it to flake...).
two lines again. darker this time.
some spotting in the afternoon, which i know can be a big deal...or not.
try not to sweat it since there's no pain.


jan 13, evening
the worst cramps i've ever had in life (two aleve didn't do the trick. can't walk. wanna throw up).

more bleeding. scared as hell.

i'm @ my mom's & have to play it off like the cycle from hell 'cause we already decided not to say shit til about 3.5 mos. in, for various reasons.

finally make my way home at almost midnight.


jan 14, morning
still bleeding, but cramps have finally stopped.

go to the bathroom...

pass something that i know had to be some part of what caused those two lines.

no more sore boobs. no more queasiness (til later).

skip work, but gotta keep it together...got a plane to catch...


jan 17
was supposed to be the big day...confirmation. finally.

snow kept me from the doctor's office, but a phone call left me feeling helpless.

after i explained, was gently told there wasn't a lot they could do. no need to reschedule unless i have other symptoms.

i sniffled a bit when the bleeding started, but now it really hits me:

i could have been a mama. and now i won't be.

~~*~~*~~

epilogue
i'm ok with it. we weren't planning on it, and the timing could definitely be better. but this experience has strengthened me, in many ways. i'm actually happy to know i can conceive--something i've never been completely sure of and, given my maternal family's medical history, worried silently over.

i am grateful to my ori for never steering me wrong & the ears to hear.
i am grateful to the ancestors for standing with me & giving me this lesson.
i am grateful for the orisa watching over me and guiding my life.
i am grateful to honey for being such a loving, gracious man.
i am grateful to the coven for their prayers and support.
i am grateful to my ile for the same.

i am grateful for the strength to tell this story, because i didn't think i'd be able to.

i am grateful for my body handling this with such power and grace and, in turn, putting my mind in its place ("me, pregnant? oh HELL no...i can't deal with _______!!!" lol)

ase.