tiger, tiger, burning bright... (c) wm blake

tiger paid me a visit…

i may never adequately put into words how much i love the spirit and form of this animal.

again, i say: thank you for walking with me.

fear, loathing, spiders and breakthroughs

today i'm remembering that fear often stands in front of the wisdom we need.

now, i'm too stubborn and proud to let anything "scare" me for long.  i'll hide and cry for a little while, but i quickly get tired of myself.  eventually, i'll crawl out, take a deep breath, and bulldoze over whatever had the nerve to frighten me in the first place.

generally, this works.

but not with spiders.

i've been terrified of spiders my entire life.  there was no horrible incident or movie that did it.  it just was.  they show up in dreams, and i scream until i wake myself up.

as a child, i would wake my father--something of a cardinal sin in our house, given his work schedule--to do it for me. he was always very compassionate about it.

if i had to deal with my mother, she'd click her tongue and chastise the phobia. she was into the "you're bigger" and "they're more afraid of you" method, but it didn't work. size didn't matter, and if they were so scared, how come they didn't move like birds when i made loud noises or waved my arms? 

if they show up in my house, that's a wrap. if someone else is there--particularly a man--i have them stomp the ferocious insect out.  'cause, you know, it takes me forever to find something large/long enough where i don't have to be right in its face to kill it.  and i can barely look at it to verify its demise, but i have to in order to be at peace.

god help me if i swat at it and it jumps. or runs away so i have no idea where it is. 

i've been known to spend a night somewhere other than my bed after a failed squashing attempt.

yes, it's that serious.

i feel awful about this fear, particularly given my general indifference towards most other insects (i.e., i don't really like 'em, but they don't frighten me).  i often beg forgiveness before i smash them, aware that many cultures see spiders as good, helpful bugs and spiritual messengers.

i know grandmother spider is here to help me.  we've talked.  i know she wants to show me how to weave all my selves, gifts, and ideas into a self contained whole.  she's resourceful, living anywhere.  she's strong, and so is her web.   i've already been bitten.

who do you think taught you to make connections, weave thoughts? when you expand and your aura easily stretches across at least half a dozen pathways, who else do you think could have shown you that?

some of my greatest fears have been of my power, rooted in the notion that if i were to truly delve into myself, my deepest desires, dreams and ways of being, that'd be too much for this this existence.  i already feel alone enough; i need to be normal. 

as soon as i found writings speaking of spider as expansion, i understood a little more about my fear. 

even so, i've been floundering for some time, and, frankly, i'm tired of it.

i am more aware of my gifts than i've ever been, but i struggle with creating a cohesive whole. 

i know i need to center myself and begin weaving.

for me, in this lifetime, grandmother spider stands at that gateway.  if i'm going to pass through and gain the wisdom i need, she must be given her due.

*deep breath*

may the lessons be gentle.  and the apparitions few.

marked

i've noticed that folks seem mesmerized, surprised, wary or otherwise curious about my serpent tattoo.

i understood the issues that might arise around the design when i was led to it, particularly since it's my most visible tattoo to date.  i thought about how the snake's gotten a bad rep in this culture, what with the whole temptation of eve thing, yadda yadda. to be honest, i'm grateful i haven't gotten many outright inquiries from strangers.

still, serpent's story goes much deeper than eden, particularly for african and other indigenous people, and i knew it went much deeper for me.  

if you've been reading for awhile, you know i've written about my spiritual relationship with serpents. in the last few years, that understanding has widened and deepened, and all i can do is stand in gratitude for its role in my evolution.  

over the years, i've learned that serpents have always been friends of the goddess, symbols of sacred wisdom, rebirth, and resourcefulness.  when you consider the development of the major three western religions and what they needed to suppress in order to spread, flourish, and--let's face it--control, you can understand why the serpent had to be denied its prominence. 

Healthy snakes usually have little or no difficulty with shedding and tend to shed their skins in one entire piece. Exceptions to this include snakes with injuries to the skin and/or scales resulting in scarring, and snakes housed in enclosures with suboptimal temperature and/or relative humidity levels.


The stresses associated with shedding can be substantial. Sick snakes, those suffering from malnutrition, or those whose health has been directly or indirectly compromised by poor husbandry experience delayed and incomplete sheds. These snakes tend to shed their skins in pieces. In fact, many of the pieces remain adhered to the underlying skin and eyes (retained eye caps).


The shedding process is preceded by a period of relative inactivity. This period usually lasts 1-2 weeks, during which time the eyes begin to exhibit a dull, bluish-white appearance. During this period, the snake's vision is impaired, which causes them to be rather unpredictable and sometimes aggressive. The skin during this period tends to have an overall dull appearance. The underlying new skin is soft and vulnerable to damage while the outer layers prepare to slough away. (source)

...now think about that symbolically, emotionally; what it would mean to manifest this lesson while inhabiting a human form.

this is the gift in studying animals you are attracted to or that show up in your dreams.  it's what should always be in the back of your mind while you're watching pbs or enjoying "shark week".

refuse to stop at the "scientific" level.  go deeper.     

snakes--although worthy of respect because of their potential danger to humans--are not any more evil than any other creature. they are bearers of a particular kind of wisdom, as are all animals. that is why we all share this earth-space.

our four-legged, scaled and winged relations are living, breathing illustrations of nature's beauty, diversity, and conscious design--just as humans are.  

examine what you've been taught to demonize.  question what you idolize.  you might surprise yourself.

the integration continues...

{for more on this, check out anything tagged the list}

my current focus is integration and synthesis. i'm still discovering neglected bits and pieces of self that, once found, start outlining their needs and demanding space of their own.

mostly it feels daunting, but i should be excited. i mean, it is exciting, right?  i get to learn new things and move through the world with these wonderfully novel self-bits.  ultimately, that leads to more confidence and strength.

so why am i being so weird about it?

because it'll just make me weirder and set me apart, again.
because it might seem contradictory to some.
because TKON is ever busy and creeping in uninvited.


i'm far better than i used to be, but i still struggle with all of the above, determined to "fit in" to a bunch of bullshit that's not worth my attention. however, what's becoming increasingly obvious is that i fit in where i need to--with other brilliant, unique folks. and i'm meeting more of those people all the time.

i am immensely grateful for that.

maybe that's the key lesson in my last tarot reading: evolution is taking time, but it also comes naturally and continually to me.  my goals are taking shape, and separating from the dead weight was a priority. soon, i may even start "shedding" the 9-5 in favor of my lifework.

snakes shed their skin in order to grow.  they cannot become taller, and i don't think i've ever seen an overweight one. the only way to mark progress is to wiggle out of the old, dull shell and emerge anew.

all animals do that in some fashion, but snakes leave evidence. a snakeskin is a repository of information and power.  of course, the snake itself is elusive, but at least you can reconstruct its story.

my snakeskins are pages.

i suppose that's why i don't look back too much, especially when i'm journaling in longhand.

if i ever get interesting enough to warrant a memoir, someone else would have to write it.

dream #1292905

i dreamt of a serpent last night.

lately my serpent-dreams have been filled with apprehension and fear. i often feel overwhelmed by the snakes, and i wind up trying to hide them, avoid bites, and keep them from growing. as a teenager, i often dreamt of walking with snakes literally covering my feet, and i was comforted by them--so this newer set of dreams bothered me greatly.

but last night, i simply carried the snake with me, wrapped around my wrist. it appeared to be something between a garter snake and a ball python, and was very sweet. occasionally it would "bite" me, but it was more like the love-nips you get from a cat than an attack. when i woke up, i could still feel the energy of the serpent lingering along my wrist and hands...

i'm grateful for the vision--i'm sure it is a step towards reconciliation with my unconscious mind and a fullness of self.

serpentine

i would run from goliath.

large, looming things intimidate me. even if it's a goal i'm dead set on attaining.

i've learned that i work best when i can surround the problem, see it from all angles.

then i start dissecting it.

i take out the easiest parts first. feet. knees. make it a non-moving target. then i determine how long i can let it live before those feet and knees grow back. that's how i get my time frame.

then i start to disable it. use my snake venom. remove its senses, muddle its brain...the body becomes simply a formality to be swallowed, whole.

visualizing a huge wall a few miles ahead is not motivational. i don't have a battering ram mentality, nor am i fond of explosives. i don't have an "against all odds" sort of spirit.

sometimes, after a few strikes, i find i have to let the problem run away. even so, i keep it in my sights. run occasional reconnaissance missions. however, i don't relentlessly persue. i occupy myself with smaller prey.

bit by bit we eat the head of the rat...

but because i also have the gift of seeing quite far ahead of myself, i can get frustrated with this approach. there are times when it puts me in mind of stagnation. i start wondering why things don't move faster, why i can't have it NOW...etc.

but in times when i'm faced with the possibility of being overwhelmed, i have to think about things differently.

bit by bit...