and i'm reminded that i carry a sizable "s" on my chest...albeit quietly kept and largely subdued.
she gets out sometimes, tho.
so i said:
hm...
this is really interesting. mainly because it's a lot closer to my true nature (with the exception of "relationship busting"...ha) than what's "expected" of me. i tend to be flirtatious, free loving, and highly sensual.
i would have to disagree with her re: the pussy in & of itself not being powerful...birth. period. nuff said.
that said, my mother and i have had several arguments over marriage and why it is(n't) important. i know she probably thinks i've had more boyfriends than is "good" for me, or suspected me of sleeping with people "too soon".
i've spent the last few years relatively torn (emotionally) between two men i love very much, knowing i can't have both, etc. and so on.
largely, i am a serial monogamist, and i have no problem with that. i enjoy the connections and intimacy that come with a single (primary, at times) partner. at the same time, i often wind up sacrificing some of my physical/sexual needs (to touch and be touched, daily. longing for new & different sensations. deep and full orgasm) for my intellectual/emotional ones (friendship, intimacy, passionate conversation, shared outlook). very mixed bag.
i see it, i own it, and i accept it...but there have been eruptions. when i rebel and/or have an ache for freedom, it's typically resulted in a breakup. just about every year honey & i have been together, we've separated, sometimes for several months at a time. and almost each time, i wound up with several suitors (or one in particular--the other love) filling in the gaps. but even that gets tiring because, for whatever reason, i'm usually on that "high price" end (i guess 'cause i'm a "closeted slut". ha), and fools always wanna lock me down or some shit. i learned the hard way that most men (people?) don't think of sex as something to be enjoyed, savored, and let go of with no hard feelings. for me, it's like getting to know someone, a conversation. i don't need to spend my life with you afterwards...
on some levels i'm still coming to terms with the parts of me that remember--and love--my past lives as courtesan, sacred whore, and harem girl. some part of me remembers babylonian and kemetian love temples and sacred fertility rituals. how am i supposed to fit into the narrow way(s) offered me?
i'm still trying to figure out if the notion of truly settling down--whatever that's supposed to mean--is actually for me. some days i think it is, other days i don't know.
this might be a "part 1" of something larger...
2 comments:
Oh gawd! I forgot to mention that I've always been a first date fucker. Never quite saw the point of delaying gratification. It's been a real trip dealing with men of any sexual persuasion in that whether they're queer or hetero, whether they're poly or monogamous, they're trained to give more attention and more appreciation to wimmin who withhold sex. They're taught to respect it. I've found very few who don't automatically understand that longing, the wait as an indicator of the implied "worth" of a high priced wife/girlfriend "whore".
I've especially found this issue to be a problem with the Black men I encountered, since in this most recent sexuality incarnation, I only went out with Black men.
I haven't encountered any who actually understand enough about their childhood indoctrination, their teenage indoctrination, to realize how they were taught to profoundly disrespect wimmin who are sexual without attaching a bride or girlfriend price to the act.
precisely.
after awhile i just decided that i didn't give a damn what they thought...i did what i felt like and if they didn't call me, i just knew who i was dealing with.
*shrug*.
...they usually called/came back though. LOL.
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