12.16.2008

wading through the muck...

[temper tantrum]

here's that feeling again. life is just a bunch of work and drudgery. spinning my wheels.

no extra anything. scraping for every bit of joy.

friends broke, busy or far away. lots of reminders of what my life "should" look like by now. not that i care...more so that it puts me outside the circles of a lot of folks i know.

i haven't danced in years. i wouldn't even know where to go.

can't afford yoga. when i can, i don't have the time. or i'm too exhausted.

i can't remember the last time i bought a nice piece of jewelry or even some earrings. let's not even get into clothes and shoes.

can i take myself out to dinner? no. i have to make it myself. which can be fun. but a lot of times it's just a fking hassle.

movies? forget it.

i wasn't even supposed to be living alone at this point. i was supposed to have some help. i don't trust the idea of room/housemates beyond long term partners and possibly family.

i need a term for this feeling. "princess gene" came to mind, but i abhor the kind of spoiled brat connotation that word has at this point.

luxury node?

i dunno.

whatever it is, it's acting up, and i can really hate this season i'm in when it does. i should be living in the lap of damn luxury (or at least adequacy) by any means necessary.

i can really understand why some very intelligent, educated, savvy women turn to sex work. why not take the easy money and run? do what you want with your hours instead of slaving away for practically nothing.

if i can't have my dream house, can i at least get the means to make the place i have look like something? i feel like it's impossible to create the space i want.

why couldn't i have been blessed with craftier gifts people actually pay for? my mother could sew/crochet well. guess it skipped a generation. these words have gotten me nowhere...

i'd like to be able to treat myself to the salon every so often. is that too much to ask? that i not have to eek out 90 minutes i barely have to go through the stages of tackling it myself? or not have to worry about keeping it up if i just hack it all off?

to have clothes that actually fit this spontaneously shape shifting body of mine?

i'm not where i wanna be. and every time i get a glimpse of where i think i should be--and i feel like i know now more than ever--i feel like it's gonna take more money than i can manage. e.g., if i go for it, i'll only dig a deeper hole for myself and owe some other jerks a bunch of money i can barely afford to pay them now for all those failed attempts at trying to get to this elusive destination.

ugh.

guess i'll get to work...

*cries inside*

[/temper tantrum]

i'm grateful, y'all. i really, truly am. i'm just tired of the rat race.

on days like this i can get really close to feeling like my flame's gonna go out before i even have a chance to really see what it can do.

i need to reach out to folks who have made it out and ask them how.

i realize i can be bad at networking. partially because i wanna do stuff on my own. partially because i either make friends or i don't; acquaintances, forced mentorships and what have you can feel unnatural and opportunistic. i suppose that's why i never really took full advantage of the student-professor relationship in college.

...or it could have been the trauma from the culture shock. christ. that's a whole other story.

i'll just shut up now.

2 comments:

toni said...

Thank you for this. Sometimes when you do a post its like you took it straight out of my thoughts! (You articulate way better than I could.)
These same feelings have brought me to tears twice in the last week and that is unusual for me. But we push on through.

ms. bliss honeycomb said...

yeah...sometimes that's all you can do, i guess.

it's good to know i'm not the only one feeling that way, though. often i'll be like, "am i just NUTS??!?" but maybe it's just a stage of life thing.

when you're a teenager you think you'll die if you don't get those new shoes...when you hit 30ish and feel like your life's not right, you panic. and when you do, it can be difficult to see what truly *is* right about it.