as i was emailing a friend this morning, the idea of writing you a letter came. i suppose it's time for me to consolidate some thoughts and say some things "aloud".
i have this thing about marking psychic milestones, and writing allows me to release and move forward.
so here i am.
i've been through quite a bit in the last 16 months or so, and part of that journey has involved learning exactly how being with you changed me.
at first, it seemed like just about everything that happened was for the worst. deep down, i always relied on the understanding that rewards accompany all challenges; if i held out long enough, it would all bear fruit. i knew i could eventually turn the negatives into new strength, new opportunities. even as i berated you and myself for the time i'd "lost" with you, i knew patience was my best defense.
but initially, i was just angry. horribly, horribly angry. i wanted my life back. i wanted my heart back. i couldn't believe i loved you, stood by you, defended you. how could i ever think you were the man i was going to spend the rest of my life with?
that anger popped up in various spaces and places. i even thought i was going to have to disappear from the internet for awhile. honestly, i'm sure i could still be triggered, but those moments are few and far between. i use any residual anger and hurt as a reminder to never put myself in an emotionally lopsided position again.
i forgave you some time ago, but i will never, ever forget. i'm sure that's part of the reason a friendship isn't in the cards for us.
my boundaries are probably firmer than they've been in decades. only in my childhood journals have i expressed such a surety of self. i suppose i've come full circle.
i know it is not "cruel" that i am unwilling to love potential, that i demand actualities before handing over my heart.
i know love, on its own, is not enough. it is beautiful, it feels good, and it's always a blessed gift. but love is only the mortar--it doesn't excuse you from making the bricks.
similarly, i know i can feel, express, and receive love without over-giving, over-sacrificing, or over-committing.
i have always had a peaceful nature. now i understand the true depth of that peace, that it IS me, and no one can disturb it or take it away as long as i am centered in my true selfhood.
i live with my eyes open, using my gift for empathy to protect myself instead of constantly attempting to save or heal someone else (exceptions made for the deserving/reciprocal). i stay aware of where people are in their various processes, and i listen to my intuition on how to deal with them. the unaware, the ill-attuned, the deniers and psychological procrastinators are easily recognized. the unworthy and ill-prepared are quickly removed from my life, and i let them go with gratitude.
i try to remain mindful that, if you cross my mind or someone else mentions you, i should think good thoughts. sometimes i succeed, sometimes i don't. still, if i come up short the result is more a detached indifference vs. "i can't stand that fool." i continue to work on it.
i know my healing will continue for the foreseeable future. i look forward to the day when i can say i am running on my new legs with renewed confidence. i know i'm almost there.
i don't know who i would have been if i'd never loved you, but i can definitely say that i love the woman i am now. pain can shape us with the same power and precision as love does. the heartache, heartbreak, tears, lonely nights and everything else i endured during our relationship molded me.
all that said, i can finally take a deep breath and, in a certain shade of love, say, "thank you for the lesson. thank you for the challenge. it made me better."
in that same breath--or the next--i also know i will never again submit to that same suffering in the name of loving.
i'm looking forward to receiving the love that will complement, support, nurture, and care for me in all the ways i need and want. until that day, i am crystal clear in the knowledge that i am enough, that i contain universes and worlds within me, that i know whose i am. i can take care of myself--all my selves. i have new trust in myself.
for those things, i remain continually and immensely grateful.
may you be led to the love, healing, and peace you desire. although i cannot walk that road with you--and no longer desire to--my highest self still wishes you the best.