3.16.2010

an apprehensive honesty

this morning i realized that he still scares me a little.

loving someone with abusive tendencies changes you. all the things you have to learn to keep yourself safe--as safe as possible anyway. the subconscious adjustments you make to keep things peaceful...

i still fear an unwelcome conversation leading to some kind of tirade, or triggering a random meltdown that i'll have to clean up. the thought of a random sighting makes me want to fall through the floor.

i refused hiding months ago, but i haven't taken out a billboard, blown up any spots or confronted anyone other than him.  i am content to tell my truth here and to my journals, and leave it at that.

psychologically, i realize he's probably done his own healing since we stopped speaking. if it's real, deep and lasting healing, good for him. i give thanks, because that would mean another sista won't experience him as i did.

emotionally, all i know is who he was with me.  no matter what he says, how many times he apologizes, or how adamantly he refuses to be "held back" by his "past" actions, i, personally, have not seen (and don't necessarily need to see) the new and improved version.  in my mind, he still only does enough to get by, skipping over the truly messy parts in attempts to create false utopias. he is/was a hurt person who hurt me, period.

the anger is gone and i've been able to forgive, but i doubt i'll ever be able to disassociate him from those things. it's sad, but it's real, and nothing but time (?) will change it.  

apparently, the next step is reaffirming his existence and honoring the places where we (indirectly) intersect.

he's still on the planet even if he's not in your world.  there's no sense in pretending he isn't. 

when i can have that thought without cringing, i'll be able to claim another small victory.

8 comments:

Odunmole said...

girl...this is the truth for me...and really where i am right now except for the full forgiveness part...still working on that...

li

sugar sista said...

word...none of this has been easy, but i'm trying to stare it all down as it comes.

Newness of Life said...

I'm just not admitting that he actually scares me and coming to terms with what was abuse. For now I have stopped trying to reason with him or entertain his attempts to "skip over the truly messy parts in attempts to create false utopias". I can't bear to set myself up for hurt again when he does that.j

I'm glad you are further in the process than I am. Perhaps I can learn a bit from your experience. I appreciate your openness about it.

sugar sista said...

word...

i hope that wherever you land, it's a soft place. be well, and take care of yourself.

nehanda said...

lady bug,
saw this and thought of you
http://bagaydwol.wordpress.com/

mbuya nehanda

sugar sista said...

@nehanda - thanks. i actually came across that blog when a friend sent some updates about ongoing work to rebuild haiti.

mindful said...

I do not know this feeling, but I know of women who do; the fact that you're able to write about your feelings towards him and your sense of fear that still exists is definitely steps towards rebuilding your soul and re-framing your mind. I admire you for this...

sugar sista said...

thanks, tre. the words keep me sane.