an apprehensive honesty

this morning i realized that he still scares me a little.

loving someone with abusive tendencies changes you. all the things you have to learn to keep yourself safe--as safe as possible anyway. the subconscious adjustments you make to keep things peaceful...

i still fear an unwelcome conversation leading to some kind of tirade, or triggering a random meltdown that i'll have to clean up. the thought of a random sighting makes me want to fall through the floor.

i refused hiding months ago, but i haven't taken out a billboard, blown up any spots or confronted anyone other than him.  i am content to tell my truth here and to my journals, and leave it at that.

psychologically, i realize he's probably done his own healing since we stopped speaking. if it's real, deep and lasting healing, good for him. i give thanks, because that would mean another sista won't experience him as i did.

emotionally, all i know is who he was with me.  no matter what he says, how many times he apologizes, or how adamantly he refuses to be "held back" by his "past" actions, i, personally, have not seen (and don't necessarily need to see) the new and improved version.  in my mind, he still only does enough to get by, skipping over the truly messy parts in attempts to create false utopias. he is/was a hurt person who hurt me, period.

the anger is gone and i've been able to forgive, but i doubt i'll ever be able to disassociate him from those things. it's sad, but it's real, and nothing but time (?) will change it.  

apparently, the next step is reaffirming his existence and honoring the places where we (indirectly) intersect.

he's still on the planet even if he's not in your world.  there's no sense in pretending he isn't. 

when i can have that thought without cringing, i'll be able to claim another small victory.