learning to forgive...myself

as i've lived this thing called life, i've learned that i can readily forgive others.  there is very little--especially these days--i take personally.  holding grudges has never been my thing. 

but i am very rough on myself. 

one of my gifts is that i'm able to see many, many angles at any given time.  i enjoy weaving all sorts of tangents into meaningful tapestries

the darker side?  for every mistake i make, for every relationship that doesn't work, any time life goes "wrong", i see those angles, too.

my hindsight is merciless.  it has often reduced me to a mess of tears and (internal) anguish.

rationally, i'm completely aware that although i can see down many roads, i cannot control the actions of another.  no matter what i "see" or "know", i'm not always going to be able to protect myself from someone else's outwardly manifested dysfunction, pain, or heartache.

i also know that acting out of love, concern, friendship, or plain kindness is never wrong in and of itself.  it's how we all should strive to be.

i understand that it's unfair to hurt myself because those actions were either used against me, taken for granted, or ignored.  

on the whole, i make good choices.  i weigh consequences.  i learn well from my mistakes.  i do not repeat myself if i can help it.  i know how to move on and stay gone--and if i reopen the door, it's on my terms.     
even with all that, i can still come to a place where i {unconsciously} think, "damn. i messed up. [doesn't matter what "they" did. i probably forgave them already anyway.] i have to punish myself by depriving myself of [some good thing] until i can do it perfectly and without injury."

after awhile, i'm hurting because i miss the good thing, but can't figure out how to reclaim it.

it's a painful, vicious cycle.

the silver lining? i also hold the gifts of self-awareness and a determination to heal.  no way over but through has become a sort of motto.        

since i've been able to name this, i've realized that this behavior is one of those ego-based patterns that keeps me the worst kind of "safe"--the kind that keeps you from living broadly and deeply.

so...there's work to do.

  • forgiving yourself is just as important as forgiving others, if not more so.* 
  • i refuse to carry what is not mine. 
  • i will not give myself problems i do not have.
  • there are no coincidences. everything happens for a reason.
  • i incarnated to learn lessons.  i cannot always predict how they'll manifest. i am grateful that, with time, i almost always understand the reason and learn the lesson.
  • God/dess controls whatever i cannot. let Divinity work.

*to be clear, there is a difference between accountability (i.e. being aware of what you bring to a situation/space, taking responsibility for actions that may hurt or offend others, etc.) and self-forgiveness.  triflin is triflin--or, ratchet is ratchet as the kids say.  some of the "forgive yourself!" rhetoric out here sounds more like excusing bad behavior than anything else.

No comments: