"fear is the mind killer"

...you should probably read dune if you haven't already.

anyway.

last night was interesting. i said my usual full moon prayers, did a meditation, and tried to get some rest. but i never quite fell asleep. it was like i was still awake...trying to keep some invader away from me.

i ran, i tried to ignore it...but it kept coming at me.

i hid, screamed that silent dream scream...i did everything i could think to do...

except fight.

i woke up briefly, remembering a technique a friend taught me years ago (bless you, wherever you are): i drenched myself in light. steeled myself. i added the vision of a katana sword with a white hilt, and draped myself in white cloth. and fell back asleep.

i told whatever it was that it needed to get away from me. that i was prepared to kill it.

it tried to disguise itself, but that didn't work too well. i cut it and it didn't bleed. it was nothing even resembling a person.

so i left it where it lay.

over the last few months i've been doing a lot of work to get old obstacles out of my way. i have a path to walk, and i don't want to be hindered by ideas/attitudes/thinking that have become comfortable.

i know a large part of this is reclaiming and using my creativity.

i wrote an affirmation for myself a few nights ago:

you are a writer.
WRITE.

it's on the door of the closet that faces my bedroom.
when i get up in the morning and walk to the shower i see it.
my laundry's in there, so i see it when i put clothes in the hamper.
i see it on the way to bed.

i can feel it working.

but when you sweep out the old, something always wants to stay. the universe wants you to win, but your ego can get in the way. either because it's too big and won't take any advice, or it's fragile and afraid of getting hurt. i'm more of the latter.

stay small where no one can see you. don't draw attention to yourself. you're not really that special, you know...

it's not a self esteem thing. it's more so your mind's way of protecting you.

some ppl refer to that as the devil. so be it. i think of it as a human refuge.
no one wants to be assed out and fail--or, rather, have a perception of failure. myself included.

but it's when you take those leaps of faith that you realize you didn't have shit to be afraid of to begin with.

in women who run with the wolves, dr. estes talks about the "predator" that tends to attack women in dreams when they're on the verge of getting in touch with their wild, intuitive, deep selves.

that's what i encountered last night...only it was a far more literal version than the usual bad man in the woods or walk through a dark alley.

i've seen it before.
it happens whenever i shake myself into awareness.
the longer i've been sleeping, the more frightening the awakening is.

but i am a child of ogun.
i am never without my machete. and i rarely lose my way.
i have nothing to be afraid of.
my success has been assured. and i'm on my way to claiming it.

damn the haters.

ashe.