makes me wanna holler...

you know, some days it's all i can do to sit at this desk & keep from crying...

maybe i'll allow myself a pity party tonight, let some of the tears flow, and use the weekend to get the strength to keep going.

i'm so BORED.

hell, i can't even shop at lunch. there's nothing around that's not a pawn shop, $1 store, or full of meat...

every time i go to the market down the street, i'm surrounded by some of the poorest & most pained of my people...and it ain't like me sitting here doing my 40 hours is doing shit to help any of 'em.

every month another block of houses is sacrificed for them to build more "biotech parks" and what not...

just this morning i found out one of my bosses is going to india next month. india. are you fkin kiddin me? and i could barely get to VEGAS last summer?

and i'm moving to a smaller office. that i'll still have to share.

nah.
fk this.
i need better
i deserve better
and i'm gonna get better.

i just have to go out there and grab it.

i wanna feel like i'm doing something, anything, to actually make a difference for someone else. i need to be working, somehow, with and in the real world. or at least get a promotion every couple of years. get paid enough to save some money, travel, AND treat myself to some goodies every now and then with NO problem.

this place offers me none of that.

on the bad days, i still feel like there's not a place for me in this world--at least not one that offers a decent paycheck. i have to keep telling myself i'm wrong--that i just don't know any better 'cause no one around me has known any better. ppl in my family just work. my parents do things they love, but it just so happened that what they love is pretty well built into the existing socioeconomic structure.

still, telling myself i'm wrong and trying reroute my circuitry is the only way to stay motivated enough to go out there and find what i'm looking for: the stepping stone that will allow me to get to a place where i can work for myself & for my people.

i can't give up.
the world needs me, or i wouldn't be here, right?

i chose this destiny.
time to pimp it out.