burying my savior complex

after journaling for awhile, i tried to write a letter to a dear friend of mine who happens to be very ill.

i wrote it longhand--he loves it when i write him actual letters. it was about four pages long--eight if you count the fact that i used both sides of the paper.

i looked it over.
added some things.
signed it.

reread it again.

then i ripped it up.

this sounds too much like a !@#$&*^ guilt trip with some desperate pleas thrown in, i thought. i'm begging this fool to talk to me.

it felt a little too much like what i'd tried to do with honey: make it all better. put myself up on some altar to be sacrificed for someone else's healing just because i have a little extra energy to spare.

and it's never because it makes me feel "better than" or special or anything like that. it's just because...well, that's what love is, right?

no. that's what trauma burned into my consciousness, but no, that's not really what love is.

after i ripped up the letter, i went back to journaling and asked myself, why did something i intended as a statement of love and support turn out sounding like a plea for validation?

i decided that my inner child tends towards internalizing everyone's pain; she falls into the trap of thinking it's her fault that everyone's bleeding, and she has to make it right.


honeychild, just because you can see it and feel it doesn't mean you have to fix it. your vision and empathy are gifts, but they aren't always going to serve you well in love--unless it's to show you which ones to steer clear of. and you can't necessarily pass on every gift you have to others, no matter how noble your intention.

there is no time or energy to waste on folks who don't wanna be healed--whether it's because they're not ready, they're immobilzed by their own pain, they feel that they don't deserve love...whatever. it doesn't matter. not even if they're facing death. you can't change their destiny or snap their ori into shape.

*end sidebar*

it's past time to seek and find love through a woman's eyes, fully, and that means rejecting broken trinkets and embracing true partners, mates, and kindred spirits.

i recalled my latest mantra: i do not have to diffuse my love externally, however plentiful it may be, to experience balance.

that doesn't mean i wouldn't be there if he needed me, if he actually asked me to be there. i would. in a heartbeat.

it doesn't mean that i have to stop loving him. it's silly to think i could.

whatever he's decided to do, for whatever reason(s) he's decided to do it, there's nothing i can do.

he knows who i am, where i am, and how to reach me.

until then, i'll keep him in prayer...


YeYe: Sweet Mother said...

This is so timely Sis...I needed deep down in the darkness of my soul to hear this right now

creatrix said...

glad to hear that...

this was one of those things i almost felt embarrassed to write, but i figured it was better to go ahead & let it out, 'cause it might cut on a similar light for somebody else.

there's nothing like honesty...