omi oko meji*

i always thought i'd wind up with one of you.

i feel like i've been blissfully (and in sorrow...) torn between you over so many lifetimes it'd be inconceivable to go through one having loved and known both of you, but having to let both of you go.

it tears me apart.

i know there's evolution in knowing all this and releasing you both. i never liked seeing or sensing you fighting over me--well, maybe a little. sometimes a lot. but i never liked the consequences.

i wanted us to live harmoniously, somehow. i never wanted to hurt either of you...you were simply too irresistible to turn away. you both loved and adored me so, so much. you still do. how could i say no to that?

you've also hurt me. one would send me into the arms of the other, but before long there was another heartbreak...

then i went on to forgive you both so many times that it ceased to matter.

now, somehow, i know better, and i can't ignore that knowing--even if i'm afraid my heart will stop beating if i can't give it to one of you.

i have to find a way of loving you that saves me. love you and keep focus. love you and not get lost.

if i could find enough words/pens/paper/screens/pixels, i would tell you over and over again how much i love you,

how much you've meant to me,

how grateful i am to have known you and learned from you,

how i would have been honored and blessed to bear your children,

how the days and nights i've spent with you have been some of the best of my life,

how you left me better than you found me, and how i hope i've done the same for you.

how much i love you
how much i love you
how much i love you
how those three words just.aren't.enough.

...and how certain i am that the battle must end somewhere. the body/spirit integration i've sought through you needs to be achieved through different, but just as ancient, channels.

i will miss you more than you know: my warrior's earthy sweetness and smiles. my sorcerer's lightning, our space travel on waves of pleasure.

...but i'd be a fool to fight against my own destiny.

i have to hand you over to the universe.
i have to give you space and time to heal from your wounds.
i have to be grateful for our loving and put it in its place.

i have to let you go...



*water with two husbands