as i was writing a wishlist for some collective new moon work, i started thinking about love.
i know that my loving has always been bound to energy; it's a kind of psychic play. spiritual gymnastics.
i don't worry over being alone, i just want someone to bounce some energy off of. the dance of getting to know a partner, navigate needs and desires, enjoying one another physically and emotionally--it all utilizes spiritual skills that i have learned to curb or suppress in other aspects of life.
when i was younger, this served me well. it introduced me to men who were markedly different from me, and i learned a lot about myself and about life.
i learned long ago that most people aren't as agile as i am. when real life sets in, my tumbling routine can end abruptly, knocking someone on their ass. now that i'm transitioning out of my last relationship, i can see just how my love logic has overstayed its welcome.
i need my lover/mate to truly and deeply enhance my life and compliment the self i'm cultivating. there are plenty of easy access karmic and psychic playmates running around out there--some of whom i could love profoundly and for years at a time--but i need to uncover my deep, authentic self. until i can see and celebrate her, my true partner will remain elusive.
i've often felt like i can only love myself so much before i run out of ideas. but if i'm going to love and be loved in a way that will truly fulfill me and who i'm becoming, i'll have to get creative.
my spiritual skills need and deserve outlets that involve my full self, not just socially acceptable scraps and remnants.
i do not have to diffuse my love externally, however plentiful it may be, to experience balance.