to all the men i've loved before...

the first was my high school boyfriend: sweet, patient, and caring well beyond his years. he held me through my pain and saved my life. but around 18 i outgrew him and, unfortunately, broke his heart...




i essentially left him for N., my first (and last) long distance relationship. he was my introduction to the power of a spiritual connection and the nature of true, adult love. he was also my first soulmate, with a voice i described as "honey, laced with brandy". i listened to this song for hours on end, missing him...


 in the year it took me to heal from our separation, i cried over this one...

one summer, i came home from school and met A. he was a virgo, my perfect opposite. hard working, kind, and full of the street. a dedicated father despite some baby mama drama.

his contribution? lust.

if N. helped awaken my spirit and mind, A. lit up my body. i think i have a soft spot for this song 'cause it reminds me of all those nights i risked my mother's side eye of death to tell her i wasn't comin home...



then there was C., my other half and accidental muse. ideal mate one moment, bane of my existence the next. he seamlessly weaved N.'s and A.'s gifts into an intense, six-month affair that wound up lasting almost ten years, off and on. gave me music, movies, beautiful dreams and more sleepless, tearful nights than i can count.




and, finally, W., whose lesson i'm still trying to learn. the first time i heard this song, i cried. what he'd been trying to say all along was finally crystal clear ...



...but my needs outpaced his learning curve, and our house fell down.

now i'm alone with this history, satisfied with the memory of being well-loved and thankful for the gifts i've been given. like nina sang:

i have been a rover
i have walked alone
hiked a hundred highways
never found a home
still in all i'm happy
the reason is, you see
once in a while along the way
love's been good to me...

one day, when i'm ready, i'll write a letter to the one who's on his way...