my mother called me a "truly liberated woman" last night.
honey--who is now, for all intents and purposes, an ex--sent me a message asking if i still wanted to go away for memorial day weekend, adding that it didn't have to be "romantic" or anything.
months ago, he mentioned that he had a free plane ticket from some work related travel or something, and months ago we were supposed to use it as part of a trip to go somewhere.
clearly, the moment has passed.
i calmly said something to the effect of no, i didn't think that was a good idea and that he should do something nice for himself.
when i told my mother, she said, "you're a truly liberated woman. i'd have said 'come on, let's go'." i'm sure she was at least 60% kidding, but still.
he wants us to be "cool".
i told him that until i could look at him and NOT see all of the disappointment, loneliness, frustration, emotional fatigue and everything else that led to the end of this relationship, there was no way we could be "cool". i hope that one day we can be, but i'm far too angry for that now.
i think that i've mourned the relationship enough over the years that tears and heartbreak are the least of my worries.
it's the rage.
the sense that i've wasted prime childbearing years and creative energy and spark for something that tried for far too long to resemble a true, adult relationship. i fear becoming cynical, resentful, bitter. afraid of trying again when a true, beneficial opportunity presents itself because, well, they're not all dogs, but all of 'em MIGHT be messed up little boys searching for mothers, a proverbial teat to suck dry, or proud, card-carrying members of the kingdom of n*ggadom...
i'll always love him. i know that. he is, at heart, a good person. i want to like him again, maybe share a friendly dinner or cup of tea. we always got along, and we had fun together. all told, there was genuine love, affection, friendship and lesson-learning in it. i'm trying to stay mindful and grateful of that.
but my deep, gut-feeling womanness has been scorned. not only that, she's lost track of some vital bits and pieces of herself.
the reclamation is what's important now--not reaching out to someone who's already drained me dry repeatedly.
i gotta move on...