after all this time, i am horrified at the idea of being alone.
although i become more certain each day that i want out of my relationship, i don't want to lose his friendship. in many ways, that's what the relationship has become for me: an elaborate, complicated friendship that works beautifully as long as we don't try to turn it into a true partnership.
i love being his friend. i love loving him for its own sake.
but that doesn't guarantee a future.
i am not crying because my heart is broken, i'm crying because i can't work with this thing anymore; there is nothing else i can do to breathe life into it, and there's nothing i want you to do to resurrect it, either.
i'm crying because i have no idea how to make you hear me. so i just listen to you tell me what you need me to know. what i already know. what doesn't make a difference anymore, no matter how sincere it is.
even my other half can't heal me this time. as soon as he has some change in his pocket, he'll be gone again. these days, he's too empty to replenish me.
my life is changing, and i have no idea what direction the wind will blow me in.
i want to lock my love away, never to be seen or felt again.
(...if i didn't have so much osun in me, that just might work.)
i'm afraid of who might find the key next. what he'll do. what he won't. how hard i could fall this time.
am i lucky enough to have a next time?
i feel simultaneously betrayed, enlightened, lifted, and crushed.
the meaning of many, many things is lost to me.
my heart chakra aches.
the womb tea, cleansing and prayers are working. the debris is being swept from my path.
something's telling me to finish the book. maybe it's the only way to be truly free, the path back to creativity.
either way, i don't have time to wallow.
the cleaning needs to be finished today.
the clothes need washing.
the closets need clearing.
i have to work at making space. again.