after all this time, i am horrified at the idea of being alone.
although i become more certain each day that i want out of my relationship, i don't want to lose his friendship. in many ways, that's what the relationship has become for me: an elaborate, complicated friendship that works beautifully as long as we don't try to turn it into a true partnership.
i love being his friend. i love loving him for its own sake.
but that doesn't guarantee a future.
i am not crying because my heart is broken, i'm crying because i can't work with this thing anymore; there is nothing else i can do to breathe life into it, and there's nothing i want you to do to resurrect it, either.
i'm crying because i have no idea how to make you hear me. so i just listen to you tell me what you need me to know. what i already know. what doesn't make a difference anymore, no matter how sincere it is.
even my other half can't heal me this time. as soon as he has some change in his pocket, he'll be gone again. these days, he's too empty to replenish me.
my life is changing, and i have no idea what direction the wind will blow me in.
i want to lock my love away, never to be seen or felt again.
(...if i didn't have so much osun in me, that just might work.)
i'm afraid of who might find the key next. what he'll do. what he won't. how hard i could fall this time.
am i lucky enough to have a next time?
i feel simultaneously betrayed, enlightened, lifted, and crushed.
the meaning of many, many things is lost to me.
my heart chakra aches.
the womb tea, cleansing and prayers are working. the debris is being swept from my path.
something's telling me to finish the book. maybe it's the only way to be truly free, the path back to creativity.
either way, i don't have time to wallow.
the cleaning needs to be finished today.
the clothes need washing.
the closets need clearing.
i have to work at making space. again.
2 comments:
No matter how joyful Oshun is when she arrives at a bembe...she always leaves weeping...that is how you know Oshun...so speaketh our elders Sis...I wish I could reach inside and massage your heart until it felt better because I visit those same deep dark places...I call it the Abyss...look at it as necessary, life Persephone entering the Underworld, it is something we have to do some place we have to go to continue to change, to grow, to become to mature to evolve...a sister friend of mine, priestss of Obatala teaches, "it is the quality of work you do in your darkness that determines the intensity of your light"
love
light
peace
and the bliss after the storm
to you
my dear sistah
O
modupe-o, iya.
yes, yes...*sigh*. i know all about the ventures into the underworld. of course there's always the battle of understanding/knowing how the dark times will help coupled with the very human resistance to facing them.
i feel like all i can do now is continue to heal and strengthen myself and go from there. typically i fight that feeling tooth and nail. i refuse to do so now.
if it's a lonely road, so be it. i'll claim it as mine.
the doors will reopen in their own time.
ire to you & yours.
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