longing, part 2

i was in a peculiar place when i spit out last night's blog, but i wanted to document it. i'm into my contradictions right now.

however, i'd like to set the record straight: despite my bitching and moaning, i know how to do all of those things, and have accomplished most of them several times over.

for instance, this morning i was reminded that i do know i'm beautiful.

not that i'll be on anyone's magazine cover any time soon--you have no idea how difficult it is for me to take a picture i like--and i'd probably fail a screen test.

but i can turn heads when i want to.
i use what i've got. well.

part of my recovery seems to involve consciously falling back in love with myself.

it's a good feeling. i turn myself on. i lovingly acknowledge my curves and delightfully imperfect perfections whenever i pass my mirror(s) naked. i dig that about myself. it's a key element in my ability to attract adoring, attentive lovers.

still, when i'm in relationship, the glow gets reserved for very specific moments and situations. otherwise, the vibes i emit from sharing my ecstasy and joy pull all kinds of extraneous folk into my orbit. it becomes too much to think about at once; i fall in love with one and want to be in love with all.

i wrap myself in insulation when i'm playing monogamist. conversely, my aura fairly hums when i'm freely sampling the dessert tray.

ultimately it will be interesting to experiment with polishing my shine while acknowledging how it's changed. i'm older, wiser, and have a harder shell to crack.

what kinds of delights will come knocking on my door?

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