rambling

there's a lot to write and nothing to say all at once.

the week's been a long one, even though i decided on tuesday that i wasn't going to go in on friday.

i'm holding on to the peace and meditative stillness i enjoyed last week. it hasn't been easy, but only because i'm no longer surrounded by flowers and green, growing things. i can feel the absence of nature and how the earth is still sleeping on this side of the continent. still, i'm grateful that the feeling has stayed with me.

as i walked to "lunch" (it was 4pm, so i suppose that's more an early dinner...), a cute dude on a bike smiled at me. i got that instantaneous tingle that happens when a man looks at me, really looks at me, and i see something in him i know i could like. it's been awhile.

so spring's in the air after all.

being able to do something as simple as walk with my coat open and a light scarf gave me an intense amount of joy.

still fighting the good fight as far as the dairy's concerned, although i didn't realize that the delicious noodles i had this afternoon would have an egg dropped in. i had a burrito, too--which, mind you, was not overly cheesy. there was also crab rangoon on sunday. i was just being willful then. but that's the first cheese i've had in weeks, and i have been making conscious choices to avoid it whenever possible.

next week i'll start phase 2 of the purge/cleanse. by then, the pre-cycle cravings and hunger should have subsided.

i have noticed that i no longer breathe very deeply. i don't remember when it started. when i notice, i consciously take a deep breath. it doesn't feel like quite enough, but it's a step. that's going to be a process.

i also don't laugh as loudly or as long as i once did. i need to find things and people that help me with that.

...see? lots to say...about nothing.

but i'm also trying to get back to the words, and you gotta start somewhere...