6.27.2007

when divinity meets humanity

i am rebelling against the spiritual lessons of my current relationship.

i'm coming to realize that it is attempting to ground me, to firmly reestablish my connection to the earth and all her concerns.

over the eons, i have spent quite a bit of time as a very free woman. i've spent more lives as a courtesan and/or priestess than i ever have as a wife and mother.

the snatches of motherhood i've gleaned from my dreams and visions have been very, very pleasant. i think my lingering love and respect for children comes from those times.

marriage has been somewhat stifling, confining. often, i seem to have found ways to wiggle out of or around that.

since i was a child, i've known that i wanted to spend this life with one person. as a teenager and young adult, i developed into a serial monogamist.

i've been blessed with several very ethereal, spirit-based relationships. the kind that take you off the planet and out of your body. of course, i was still confronted with the usual, human issues, but they were more easily dealt with (at least on my end) because emotionally and spiritually i was being so deeply touched. what's a traumatic childhood or two when your souls can touch?

then came this.

i recognized early that honey was someone i could look to in a pinch, a great friend. someone i genuinely liked and respected as a human being, someone i could talk to and have fun with.

over time, though, his fear of opening to spirit and lack of emotional development had me seriously doubting the viability of our union.

that said, my spiritual life has been opened greatly by my training over the last few months. that takes some of the pressure off my relationship, but it's still a disappointment because it's such a large part of who i am.

i have a deep need to be loved in the way i know how to love. love breaks down my barriers, it doesn't put them up. i show up with my current and past selves--a sort of ghost-dance that allows me to know you as you are and were.

if you don't know yourself, if you're still lost in the forest of childhood scrapes and bruises, if the smallest details of how to express your love/adoration/bliss are confounding to you, we're gonna have problems. you gotta show me you're part medicine man, demonstrate command of your shamanic essence.

psychologically, i completely understand his issues, and i sympathize with them. they are by no means unusual or insurmountable, and i know he does the best he can.

but as a lover and a woman, i don't have much patience for the "human" stuff. dealing with mortals is a tiresome, painstaking enterprise.

yet, there are countless myths where the divine falls in love with the profane.

of course, the human tends to fk up.
and i'm just as human as he is, trust me.

i've left three times already. incident #4 seems really close some days.

i recognize that some of my impatience is ego-driven (e.g., "he is SO not on my level...")

however, the divine love wants to see this through. i have to try to teach him as he's teaching me.

the challenge? he's trying to show me something i don't always want to see, and he needs to be taught something i've become angry and resentful that he (1) doesn't already have and (2) is still developing the tools to learn. i'm the type of teacher who's quick to ask, how dare you come to my door unprepared?

i can see that the ancestors want me to have an anchor 'cause i probably won't have the privilege of getting to languish lovingly on top of a mountain, running with my wildcats and listening to the birds. not daily, anyway.

i love the city too much.
i want to be actively helping my people.

i know he'll work hard to pay the bills.
i know he's a good father.
i know he's a good person.

but we gotta work on that magic part.

1 comment:

snake woman, she who hears said...

...and let me add that the kind of searching/writing i've been doing over the last couple of weeks has been extremely liberating. i feel so much lighter getting all this out in the open and seeing it with new eyes.

my prayer is that the ultimate resolution serves my highest good. ashe.