basking in my sunshine

he says i'm "dangerous" when i'm in this mood.

impish. flirtatious. daring, given the right situation.

i have some of my best times in this mood. i seek out fun and enjoyment. i find myself especially beautiful, play with my hair, clothes, scents. i indulge myself.

there have been times when he's benefited from this mood, but that comes with certain conditions. i have to be around you enough, trust you enough, and you need to know how to ring my bells and blow my whistles well enough first.

there is an element of guilt that comes with this blend of emotions...but that's only pesky social conditioning. you know how it is--as a self respecting black woman, i'm probably not supposed to

~feel unlimited bliss
~take but so much time for myself (even if i don't have a husband/kids, i could be sacrificing myself at someone's altar, right?)
~see myself as a fully integrated, in control, sexual being who can accept or refuse at will (NOT the oversexed slut existing only for masculine enjoyment)*

somewhere along the way, even though my upbringing avoided much of the direct brainwashing, i've picked up a few things by osmosis. thankfully, they're relatively easy to shake off.

my pleasure is just as important as my intellect.
my desires are just as important as my work ethic.
my needs are just as important as my patience.

i'm striving to become completely comfortable with that.
i'm more than halfway there.


*for more on this phenomenon, please see this sistagoddess' blog