the cycles of death and rebirth in my relationship are maddening. there's an almost constant pattern of contraction and expansion, labor pains, births of "babies" that prematurely grow into rambunctious teenagers. the strength and frequency of the births make them almost unbearable. the periods of rest are too few and far between. there's a sense that my spirit's being abused for another person's growth.

i recognize my resistance to change--not in the sense of being inflexible, but i enjoy stability and comfort. i don't like being roused out of my cozy corners and forced into motion unless it's a matter of survival. if i am, i often come out hissing and ready to strike.

i'm coming to understand that if i'm going to remain in this situation, i need to find a way to experience these cycles in a positive way.

i also feel like i'm flying blind. i'm normally able to strategize with more confidence, but i can't make plans, i can't anticipate his reactions, i never know what's going to happen next week or next month. there's not even an outline of a plan, ever. i'm just hanging here, assed out, saying i love someone with no sort of determination of what that means for either of our futures--except that whether we stay together or split up, it'll be ok (no shit...but i digress).

there are times when i want to completely check out and just sit there, watching him wither from the effort of trying to keep things together on his own.

i suppose that would be cruel. but at least maybe he'd know where i've been. and where i still am some days.

he says he knows, but i don't always believe him.

rationally, i know and accept that he doesn't do any of it on purpose. he's just going through his growing pains.

my primal survival reaction is to strike back anyway. who cares if he didn't mean it? even if you don't mean to walk up on a lion's den, there's a good chance you could get mauled. lion's gotta be a lion.

when i start thinking like that, i know i need a break.

1 comment:

mindful said...

the beauty of knowing yourself is the fact that you can say, "this will make me crack and I need to pull out before that happens," or something along those lines. I know what works for me and what doesn't and anytime i begin feeling uncomfortable or even a hint of changing myself for the sake of someone else's gain occurs, I have to bounce. I cannot be ME w/ those kinds of cling-ons hanging at my tits...

good luck w/ your journey.