reflections

i'm angry again.

after everything that was said to me yesterday (the Divine speaks thru those closest to you...if you need a prayer answered, get into a deep convo with a friend. i'm not kidding.)...i dunno. i'm chafing at the bit again.

i know i can't afford to get too numb or too comfortable. but how do i survive and remain aware?

it's amazing the skin i have to stuff myself in just to keep from sitting at my desk and screaming uncontrollably. or shooting someone every time they tell me to order, copy, fix, coordinate, or explain something.

whenever i have enough time to think, i remember this.

i'm realizing now that i've been burying little pieces of myself, waiting for the appropriate moment or time to reveal them again.

i hid them away for safekeeping

because it wasn't going to get me a "real" job.
because i had to make some money.
so my intuition couldn't take over.
because i had to eat.
because i had to starve.
so i wouldn't drive him away.
so i wouldn't bring him closer.
because there was no money to travel.
because i don't think i'm worth it.
because they said it wasn't worth it.
someone else could always do it better.
because i don't trust my visions.
because i wanted to be "normal".
i was stuck in traffic.
because my inspiration is often pain.
i hated all my notebooks and everything in them.
because she thought i couldn't.
because no one's going to send me back to therapy.

i didn't even realize it was happening. but by the time i identified the sickness for what it was, i was on something close to a deathbed.

it's not really safekeeping when the possibility of each little thing creeping back out of the soil terrifies you.

i'm tired now.
something's dying and i want to save it.

i am closed.
i want to open.
i can't afford to stay as drunk/high as i feel i'd need to be to survive more self-imposed repression. self-mutilation and suicide aren't options.

i'm afraid of what will happen to me if i don't have a breakthrough.
and i'm equally afraid of what will happen if i do.

i believe that this, ladies & gents, is what is commonly known as a crisis.

eh.