in response to my last blog, zia said:
i want to know precisely what you mean by danger: unintended results. you will be freer, more fufilled (if done properly)? who/what unintends the results of such? ah...but then our earth bodies are perfect, hedonistic pleasure seeking sensationalists. children...so, i'm kinda with you, on second thought. maybe you'd never get anything else done...?[before we get started: y'all are already familiar with "honey", but i finally decided on his blog alias: cosmo. as in cosmic. the kramer association isn't lost on me; we're always falling into each other's lives--past and present--the way he fell into jerry's apartment...]
i've found my cosmic fish in male form...
cosmo & i are a long story that started almost a decade ago. i started to write it out--complete with a semi-public blog, gathering diaries both from the relationship and the aftermath, poetry, unsent letters, etc.--but got stalled when he got back in touch with me last summer.
just when i had resigned myself to purging him from my life, there he was again.
not getting anything done is probably part of it. we've always joked that if we ever got married or lived together we'd have to make a pact to tear each other from bed to go to work or eat or whatever else needed to be done.
the love is still there. so are the connections. and the karma. he's got issues--including a couple of dealbreakers.
then there's the fact that i've been with honey for almost five years now.
i love them both.
they both know it.
cosmo, the "danger sign", is the other half of my soul. my muse. my joy and my pain. we have the same patterns in our hands--they're even shaped similarly. his are just a man's version of mine. triple fire, too (aries sun...his moon/rising are in leo and sag--but i forget which is which). we've broken and built each other to the point where there is no more fear, no more anxiety over pain or risks. we simply indulge each other when and where we can.
the cons: all the pitfalls of a "downstream" relationship between two people who fuel one another sexually, creatively and spiritually on both conscious and subconscious levels with little to no effort. insecurities, exposure, a bit of wounded soul dancing...a dependency that threatens to remove me from pursuing my own growth.
honey is good for me in all the practical, pragmatic ways. much better husband/father potential. not that the lovin' is missing...not @ all. but he's got a lot to learn in some ways. still, he keeps me swimming upstream. he's the earth-bound woodsman my water/fire/air chart is missing. that same tie to the firm, hard ground keeps him from flying with me when i need him to.
where cosmo has run when the going got tough, honey has endured and stayed by my side, fighting his demons all the way. that alone has earned him a good chunk of my heart.
...but when he frustrates me, i long for the pleasure and easy rapport i share with cosmo. elementary explanations and prodding are unecessary. we already know.
both remain more distant than i'd like, for different reasons.
cosmo ran from me to a relationship that faltered, deeply wounding him in the process; he's still recovering, and rightly so.
honey is a workaholic who tries to take care of everyone else before himself; sometimes i wind up in the cold while he saves the world or is recovers from his latest fatigue-induced malaise.
so what's more important? which mate can i live without?
my fire--passion, creativity, stellar highs, shattering lows, the sacred marriage of the goddess and her god... or
my water--comfort, family/motherhood, stability, nurturing the garden and watching it grow...
some days, both seem indispensible.
do i have to choose?
maybe i'll always be giving up one for the other...