reconsiderations.

i'm at one of those points (again) where i'm realizing that i've built the last four years or so around a future i don't know that i'm going to have.

my relationship is part of that. it's to the point where i'm either going to be a free (read: erotically unattached) woman, or i'm going to have some babies and settle down. there's not much room for a compromise. i have no desire for single motherhood, nor do i want a long distance or arm's length long term relationship/marriage.

another part is the failure of massage training to come to fruition. yet another, my lack of desire and inspiration to write. this blog is a place to analyze and purge, connect and discuss with others...but i am largely stagnant creatively. there are glimmers, but not much else.

so i'm readjusting.

i don't even know what makes me happy any more.

what kind of people do i want around? what kinds of friends do i want to make?

there are so many age-appropriate demographics i don't fit into:

• i'm not married, nor is getting married the central driving force of my life. if it were, i'd probably be bending over backwards to make this thing i'm in "work" instead of wondering how to wiggle out of it every three months...
• i don't have kids and, again, it is not a central, driving force (see above).
• not interested in clubbing, particularly not as a scavenger hunt for love (see above).
• can't go back to the poetry scene--zero desire for that, and i never got over my stage fright anyway.
• i'm not an activist, and i don't know that i could be. i don't wed myself to ideas as readily as i do to people.

i suppose i didn't think about this much until my spiritual community essentially went on hiatus. we are still intact, but a domestic situation kept us away from one another, and we're just getting back into our regular routine.

in the interim, i realized how much i need different sorts and levels of community, and how much certain aspects of my life have removed me from that.

honey has never really understood that need. he's more of the activist type--he'll work with folks who share his ideas and ideals and get things done, but at the end of the day, he has no problem coming home alone. he might even prefer it.

i, on the other hand, need other people to connect to, bounce off of. i always envisioned my home as a gathering place, somewhere to enjoy good music, food, fun and friendship. and i've thrown one party in, what? six years?

my home no longer even feels amenable to groups or individual friends. it's become a "fortress of solitude", a cocoon i hide in. honey hasn't even left enough things there for me to feel like it's our fortress. what's the use in that?

this is still rolling around in my brain...a painful little nugget.

i'll revisit as i figure things out...