right now, i'm a lot angrier than i'd like to be.
i don't want this space to become one long, bitter black lady rant, but...i am pissed. i need to own that.
do i want to scratch every man's eyes out? no.well, not really. i have good days and bad days.
i can say that i am far more critical and skeptical than i used to be, but maybe i need to be.
when things finally fell apart, i told myself that for as long as this anger was a part of my life, i would keep it as constructive as possible. so i'll write what wants to be written. fuck it.
that said, here are a few things that run through my mind here lately* when i hear folks say they want a relationship with a "real wo/man" or "i'm so ready to meet 'the one'":
1. know your shit. own it. fully. for example, men's daddy issues can bubble up in relationships just as easily as women's. there is nothing that says men are immune from the same need for validation, fear of abandonment, and trust issues that are often heaped on the shoulders of women.
2. if you've got a pretty good handle on #1 (therapy is your friend. remember that.), then think about why your other relationships worked--or didn't. if things were cool as long as they didn't get "too deep" or you've only stuck it out for a year or two, rushing to meet the person you'd like to spend the next 10, 30, or even 5 years with might be a bit of a stretch. slow up.
3. emotionally, you cannot "fake it til you make it". you simply cannot. don't try. it is unfair and unreasonable for you to dig in and hold on once you've realized you are clearly out of your league. yes, i understand that you love him/her, but good feelings and good intentions are not enough. you may need to be an adult about it and let go--and by "let go" i mean have a real conversation with your partner about what's going on. you don't sneak off in the middle of the night. you don't sabotage. you don't throw a tantrum. just be honest, be real, and handle your business.
4. if you're truly in love and determined to hang in there, you're going to have to listen and you're going to have to work--particularly if you know you're dealing with someone who has less baggage than you do. if it takes too long for you to work through all that stuff you've owned and s/he gets tired (keep in mind your author is over 30 and her bullshit tolerance is at an all-time low), you may just have to deal with that. relationships are emotional risks, and no one knows how they're going to turn out. if you are unwilling or unable to take that risk, see #3.
just another $.02 from lil ol me...
*not a typo. i'm southern. sue me.
2 comments:
Miss. Bliss I read this post and the last one and being over 30 I know exactly where you are coming from. Our parents were right..we would understand everything a lot better when we got older and relationships are high on the list.
Even though statistically finding "the one" in this age range is believed to be difficult it is really a shame because only now do we really recognize what we want and more importantly what we don't want. And with each passing year the list of don't wants get longer and longer.
If only I had this knowledge at 21 I may have never had a single boyfriend. As a younger woman I put up with and accepted a lot of nonsense and even though I dream of the power to get a major do over all these failures brought me here and to the understanding of the points you brought out in this post.
While, it doesn't make relationships as a rule easier because relationships require effort but isn't it a great feeling to finally get it? lol
i hear you...lol.
interestingly enough, this was only my second relationship to end so badly. (the first i chalk up to being young and brokenhearted, chasing after someone who was over me...)
what i *didn't* know was how to deal with someone i couldn't trust because of the emotional state behind the words. it took time to name certain things, recognize patterns...i kept trusting because it was what i knew how to do.
i thought "messed up" only really meant cheaters, hitters...that sort of thing. learned that lesson.
oh well.
for now, i'm content to lick my wounds a bit. i could have married this man, but i also knew that if we didn't work out, i'd be forging another path for myself..."the one" becomes less and less of a concern.
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