i fit "the demographic": never married, over-30 Black woman.
the kicker: no kids.
trust me, i am not about to delve into the sickening, desperate/despondent, wedded-to-an-endangered-species trope which, in my opinion, is a distorted, hastily drawn conclusion about a complex issue.
still, my reality puts me in a distinct position even in my closest circles. i am slowly becoming The Only One, especially when it comes to motherhood.
for now, i don't have the cold hard cash to ball my way through my blues. the velvet glove on that iron fist would be much thicker if i did. and although i'm still rather ambivalent about mothering and do not long for a child, several dynamics shift when the worlds of others revolve around babies and yours still revolves around...well, you.
what's frightening is that love and loving has never felt as difficult or elusive as it does now. i cannot remember a time when i've been this deeply, absolutely single. for most of my life i've been involved in some kind of love relationship--not because someone told me i "had" to, or even because i sought them out. they felt right for their time and were easy to find. i took breaks at will, and it was easy to pick it back up.
true, i've been focused on several other things over the last 3-4 years, and i definitely consider myself blessed. i'm enormously proud of what i've achieved, and i love my friends and the people in my life. i'm grateful to have the support of my birth and chosen families.
but the clouds creep in more often now, and they're a little more articulate than usual.
i'm human.
i'm a woman.
a woman who has loved and been loved deeply and well.
i can't unlearn that love, or forget it. no matter how many days i "wish" i could, i know i wouldn't trade those experiences for the world.
but for now, it makes sense to commit to living for myself, and living well. my hope is to create a life that will allow me to care for myself and realize my dreams--whether there's someone to share it with or not.
i remain open to love, family and the rest, but i've gotten beyond mourning the lack of it.
clearly i'm meant for something outside the "usual" configuration.
time to go out and discover what that something is.
{for the other "singlehood" posts, click here.}
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
11.27.2011
this blog: version 3.1*
peace & blessings, beloveds!
obviously there have been some changes around here--with more coming. including video blogs!
i'm kinda trying to hype myself up there. i'm not really into the idea of slapping my mug up here, for a variety of reasons. but...when Spirit speaks, i listen. and the truth is, it's time to combat some of thewack interesting things floating around in the name of knowledge and understanding.
plus, i'm a bit slicker than i've let on. time to own that and put in some work.
but that's enough tooting my own horn. if you want a taste of some of the things i'll be touching on, check out Queen Mother Imakhu's podcasts or her youtube channel.
i'm also in the process of starting my reiki practice, so there will be some cross-posting re: healing energy work. if you'd like more information on that, feel free to comment here or get in touch directly.
so there you have it: the long version of my vague little update from two weeks ago. and...there's more coming. god/dess ain't finished with me yet.
as always, whether you comment often or never, i sincerely appreciate you reading and following along with me. let's go! (c) casamena
m khut n mer**,
Nuit Menhit (Omi)
*i think. i can't keep up. lol.
**m khut n mer is a kemetic salutation that essentially translates to "in light and love".
obviously there have been some changes around here--with more coming. including video blogs!
i'm kinda trying to hype myself up there. i'm not really into the idea of slapping my mug up here, for a variety of reasons. but...when Spirit speaks, i listen. and the truth is, it's time to combat some of the
plus, i'm a bit slicker than i've let on. time to own that and put in some work.
but that's enough tooting my own horn. if you want a taste of some of the things i'll be touching on, check out Queen Mother Imakhu's podcasts or her youtube channel.
i'm also in the process of starting my reiki practice, so there will be some cross-posting re: healing energy work. if you'd like more information on that, feel free to comment here or get in touch directly.
so there you have it: the long version of my vague little update from two weeks ago. and...there's more coming. god/dess ain't finished with me yet.
as always, whether you comment often or never, i sincerely appreciate you reading and following along with me. let's go! (c) casamena
m khut n mer**,
Nuit Menhit (Omi)
*i think. i can't keep up. lol.
**m khut n mer is a kemetic salutation that essentially translates to "in light and love".
10.17.2011
Jobs & Justice - DC, 10.15.2011
{for pictures, click here.}
I arrived at the Mall around 11:30am, thinking I’d missed the march itself. Actually, it hadn’t started. Speakers were still speaking, folks were still gathering.
I noticed the youth first. They seemed ubiquitous, some in marching bands, others rhythmically shouting “Free DC!” as they made their way through the crowd. Black youth. I had to struggle to find whitefolks--one of the radio personalities cracked a joke about that from the stage a little later on.
I arrived at the Mall around 11:30am, thinking I’d missed the march itself. Actually, it hadn’t started. Speakers were still speaking, folks were still gathering.
I noticed the youth first. They seemed ubiquitous, some in marching bands, others rhythmically shouting “Free DC!” as they made their way through the crowd. Black youth. I had to struggle to find whitefolks--one of the radio personalities cracked a joke about that from the stage a little later on.
11.12.2010
fear, loathing, spiders and breakthroughs
today i'm remembering that fear often stands in front of the wisdom we need.
now, i'm too stubborn and proud to let anything "scare" me for long. i'll hide and cry for a little while, but i quickly get tired of myself. eventually, i'll crawl out, take a deep breath, and bulldoze over whatever had the nerve to frighten me in the first place.
generally, this works.
but not with spiders.
i've been terrified of spiders my entire life. there was no horrible incident or movie that did it. it just was. they show up in dreams, and i scream until i wake myself up.
as a child, i would wake my father--something of a cardinal sin in our house, given his work schedule--to do it for me. he was always very compassionate about it.
if i had to deal with my mother, she'd click her tongue and chastise the phobia. she was into the "you're bigger" and "they're more afraid of you" method, but it didn't work. size didn't matter, and if they were so scared, how come they didn't move like birds when i made loud noises or waved my arms?
if they show up in my house, that's a wrap. if someone else is there--particularly a man--i have them stomp the ferocious insect out. 'cause, you know, it takes me forever to find something large/long enough where i don't have to be right in its face to kill it. and i can barely look at it to verify its demise, but i have to in order to be at peace.
god help me if i swat at it and it jumps. or runs away so i have no idea where it is.
i've been known to spend a night somewhere other than my bed after a failed squashing attempt.
yes, it's that serious.
i feel awful about this fear, particularly given my general indifference towards most other insects (i.e., i don't really like 'em, but they don't frighten me). i often beg forgiveness before i smash them, aware that many cultures see spiders as good, helpful bugs and spiritual messengers.
i know grandmother spider is here to help me. we've talked. i know she wants to show me how to weave all my selves, gifts, and ideas into a self contained whole. she's resourceful, living anywhere. she's strong, and so is her web. i've already been bitten.
who do you think taught you to make connections, weave thoughts? when you expand and your aura easily stretches across at least half a dozen pathways, who else do you think could have shown you that?
some of my greatest fears have been of my power, rooted in the notion that if i were to truly delve into myself, my deepest desires, dreams and ways of being, that'd be too much for this this existence. i already feel alone enough; i need to be normal.
as soon as i found writings speaking of spider as expansion, i understood a little more about my fear.
even so, i've been floundering for some time, and, frankly, i'm tired of it.
i am more aware of my gifts than i've ever been, but i struggle with creating a cohesive whole.
i know i need to center myself and begin weaving.
for me, in this lifetime, grandmother spider stands at that gateway. if i'm going to pass through and gain the wisdom i need, she must be given her due.
*deep breath*
may the lessons be gentle. and the apparitions few.
now, i'm too stubborn and proud to let anything "scare" me for long. i'll hide and cry for a little while, but i quickly get tired of myself. eventually, i'll crawl out, take a deep breath, and bulldoze over whatever had the nerve to frighten me in the first place.
generally, this works.
but not with spiders.
i've been terrified of spiders my entire life. there was no horrible incident or movie that did it. it just was. they show up in dreams, and i scream until i wake myself up.
as a child, i would wake my father--something of a cardinal sin in our house, given his work schedule--to do it for me. he was always very compassionate about it.
if i had to deal with my mother, she'd click her tongue and chastise the phobia. she was into the "you're bigger" and "they're more afraid of you" method, but it didn't work. size didn't matter, and if they were so scared, how come they didn't move like birds when i made loud noises or waved my arms?
if they show up in my house, that's a wrap. if someone else is there--particularly a man--i have them stomp the ferocious insect out. 'cause, you know, it takes me forever to find something large/long enough where i don't have to be right in its face to kill it. and i can barely look at it to verify its demise, but i have to in order to be at peace.
god help me if i swat at it and it jumps. or runs away so i have no idea where it is.
i've been known to spend a night somewhere other than my bed after a failed squashing attempt.
yes, it's that serious.
i feel awful about this fear, particularly given my general indifference towards most other insects (i.e., i don't really like 'em, but they don't frighten me). i often beg forgiveness before i smash them, aware that many cultures see spiders as good, helpful bugs and spiritual messengers.
i know grandmother spider is here to help me. we've talked. i know she wants to show me how to weave all my selves, gifts, and ideas into a self contained whole. she's resourceful, living anywhere. she's strong, and so is her web. i've already been bitten.
who do you think taught you to make connections, weave thoughts? when you expand and your aura easily stretches across at least half a dozen pathways, who else do you think could have shown you that?
some of my greatest fears have been of my power, rooted in the notion that if i were to truly delve into myself, my deepest desires, dreams and ways of being, that'd be too much for this this existence. i already feel alone enough; i need to be normal.
as soon as i found writings speaking of spider as expansion, i understood a little more about my fear.
even so, i've been floundering for some time, and, frankly, i'm tired of it.
i am more aware of my gifts than i've ever been, but i struggle with creating a cohesive whole.
i know i need to center myself and begin weaving.
for me, in this lifetime, grandmother spider stands at that gateway. if i'm going to pass through and gain the wisdom i need, she must be given her due.
*deep breath*
may the lessons be gentle. and the apparitions few.
10.12.2009
9.03.2009
restricted
(in thought-bursts)
this weekend
it'd be so cool to go up to philly and hang out
get a pedi
take myself out for pancakes with a good book.
grab a couple more good books.
see a movie or two
but i'm worried about having enough for groceries and incidentals. and the familiar needs shots. that'll need to be taken care of before i shuttle him off to my folks for a few days...
so i'll likely wind up mostly at home.
i suppose it's all right. i need to clean anyway.
it's my first long, totally single weekend in a long time
(not that he was around for many long weekends anyway)
and i have nothing to do.
no prospects on the horizon, although i'm starting to wish there were.
being single AND broke is endlessly frustrating.
i can't even spoil myself ? what part of the game is that?
something's gotta give...
this weekend
it'd be so cool to go up to philly and hang out
get a pedi
take myself out for pancakes with a good book.
grab a couple more good books.
see a movie or two
but i'm worried about having enough for groceries and incidentals. and the familiar needs shots. that'll need to be taken care of before i shuttle him off to my folks for a few days...
so i'll likely wind up mostly at home.
i suppose it's all right. i need to clean anyway.
it's my first long, totally single weekend in a long time
(not that he was around for many long weekends anyway)
and i have nothing to do.
no prospects on the horizon, although i'm starting to wish there were.
being single AND broke is endlessly frustrating.
i can't even spoil myself ? what part of the game is that?
something's gotta give...
5.21.2009
an open letter to president obama
president obama,
first, please allow me to congratulate you. your victory has ennobled and inspired more people--both here and around the world--than you can know.
that said, i am writing to express my respectful disagreement with your decision to not release photographs of potential victims of abuse in iraq.
unlike mr. wise, i hesitate to call the release "needless" and, far from agreeing with your decision, feel the need to challenge it.
war, by definition, is an unsafe practice. the only thing that would make our troops and iraqi civilians safe(r) is if they were not fighting a war. the attitudes of mr. wise and others who would agree with him put american lives above iraqi lives, giving both sides the potential to mistake highly visible minorities (our worst soldiers, their fundamentalist militants) for representatives of entire nations full of diverse people, opinions, and beliefs.
mr. president, if we are not fighting dirty, we have nothing to hide. if we are, then the people have a right to know what these soldiers feel they need to do--or are being ordered or pressured to do--in order to "win". as a student of history, i'm sure you know that abu ghraibs are rarely isolated incidents in wartime, they are simply the ones that give the others a name.
we cannot uphold life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness within our own borders, then go abroad and behave in a manner diametrically opposed to that principle.
i'm also not sure who told mr. wise that we had a "bond of trust" with the iraqi people. in more isolated areas where fighting has been rare, that may have been and still might be true. but i've listened to enough independent news sources to know that many iraqis have been wary of us from the beginning, and whatever trust we engendered was eroded when we began to act as any other occupying nation would.
the war itself has given propagandists all they need to demonize america. if a set of pictures that will likely come out anyway could be a tipping point--both here and abroad--then we need to examine why we're doing what we're doing, and what our actions say about the discrepancy between this nation's ideals and its reality. whenever we engage in war, the people should be fully informed of the cost of that war, especially when the peculiar grace of geography and technology do not allow us to observe it up close.
you have already shown far more tact and intelligence than your predecessor; for that, i and many others are grateful. indeed, your outspokenness about the prison at guantanamo bay is laudable. but this war was a mistake from the beginning, and many people knew it. it is time to stop the lies and the obfuscation of the truth, admit our mistakes, and do whatever we can to bring our troops home.
once again, thank you, mr. president, for all you are doing. in the future i hope that i will be able to silently praise and commend your efforts far more often than i am urged to be demonstratively disappointed by them.
sincerely,
omi
p.s. - i am the daughter of a vietnam vet who is still dealing with many of the physical and emotional consequences of that war. my grandfather passed on still bearing scars from his time in the second world war. i sincerely hope that mr. wise and anyone else who claims to be on the side of military families does not simply follow orders as they're given, but also seeks to repair the very broken VA system, reduce the number of military suicides, and work for peace to keep our troops from unnecessary harm.
first, please allow me to congratulate you. your victory has ennobled and inspired more people--both here and around the world--than you can know.
that said, i am writing to express my respectful disagreement with your decision to not release photographs of potential victims of abuse in iraq.
unlike mr. wise, i hesitate to call the release "needless" and, far from agreeing with your decision, feel the need to challenge it.
war, by definition, is an unsafe practice. the only thing that would make our troops and iraqi civilians safe(r) is if they were not fighting a war. the attitudes of mr. wise and others who would agree with him put american lives above iraqi lives, giving both sides the potential to mistake highly visible minorities (our worst soldiers, their fundamentalist militants) for representatives of entire nations full of diverse people, opinions, and beliefs.
mr. president, if we are not fighting dirty, we have nothing to hide. if we are, then the people have a right to know what these soldiers feel they need to do--or are being ordered or pressured to do--in order to "win". as a student of history, i'm sure you know that abu ghraibs are rarely isolated incidents in wartime, they are simply the ones that give the others a name.
we cannot uphold life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness within our own borders, then go abroad and behave in a manner diametrically opposed to that principle.
i'm also not sure who told mr. wise that we had a "bond of trust" with the iraqi people. in more isolated areas where fighting has been rare, that may have been and still might be true. but i've listened to enough independent news sources to know that many iraqis have been wary of us from the beginning, and whatever trust we engendered was eroded when we began to act as any other occupying nation would.
the war itself has given propagandists all they need to demonize america. if a set of pictures that will likely come out anyway could be a tipping point--both here and abroad--then we need to examine why we're doing what we're doing, and what our actions say about the discrepancy between this nation's ideals and its reality. whenever we engage in war, the people should be fully informed of the cost of that war, especially when the peculiar grace of geography and technology do not allow us to observe it up close.
you have already shown far more tact and intelligence than your predecessor; for that, i and many others are grateful. indeed, your outspokenness about the prison at guantanamo bay is laudable. but this war was a mistake from the beginning, and many people knew it. it is time to stop the lies and the obfuscation of the truth, admit our mistakes, and do whatever we can to bring our troops home.
once again, thank you, mr. president, for all you are doing. in the future i hope that i will be able to silently praise and commend your efforts far more often than i am urged to be demonstratively disappointed by them.
sincerely,
omi
p.s. - i am the daughter of a vietnam vet who is still dealing with many of the physical and emotional consequences of that war. my grandfather passed on still bearing scars from his time in the second world war. i sincerely hope that mr. wise and anyone else who claims to be on the side of military families does not simply follow orders as they're given, but also seeks to repair the very broken VA system, reduce the number of military suicides, and work for peace to keep our troops from unnecessary harm.
3.19.2009
back to birthing
had visions of butterflies this morning...
i'm also thinking of this entry and how it still holds true.
i'm in the midst of another birthing process, both internally and externally.
i feel good.
and i'm grateful.
iba yeye mi
iba baba mi
iba olodumare olojo oni
iba orisa
iba egungun idile mi
iba egbe mi
iba elders, teachers, mentors, spirit guides
ase o
i'm also thinking of this entry and how it still holds true.
i'm in the midst of another birthing process, both internally and externally.
i feel good.
and i'm grateful.
iba yeye mi
iba baba mi
iba olodumare olojo oni
iba orisa
iba egungun idile mi
iba egbe mi
iba elders, teachers, mentors, spirit guides
ase o
2.07.2009
random ramblings re: me
it's after 10am already. will probably be close to 11am by the time i publish this.
i've been up for about four hours. that's pretty blasphemous for a saturday morning, but, it seems i've been conditioned by my commute, sadly enough.
the stress caught up with me and i've been recovering. when exhausted, i typically respond in one of three ways: sinus attack, yeast infection, or uti. the third popped up this time, and of course the antibios have put me in a precarious position around the second. thankfully my sinuses have behaved. but, probiotics, cranberry juice and water are my friends and there's a pot of womb tea on the stove...
like the new paint job? it kinda reminds me of my peaches and cream barbie.
i was going to change the template altogether--i even started to put the project on wordpress--but i didn't want to lose my widgets and links and all that. plus wordpress doesn't really let you slap in outside templates and posting seemed a bit involved (i didn't have that kind of time...). so i started playing around with colors, and voila! new shit.
originally i wanted a scarlet background--lately i'm hooked on red. makes sense, given the root chakra issues--but that made my eyes angry.
today's objective is to get the house together. they're doing another round of those b.s. apartment inspections next week, and mine "might be chosen". ugh. reason #1,921,025 i'd really love to be able to buy a house.
the last time i got a tub refinishing out of it, but they also left my bathroom door off the hinges and my house smelled like a chemical plant for about three days. i had to do some hardcore smudging to deal with that. adupe o, osayin, for your gift of herbs!
now that i think about it, the neighbors probably thought i was having one hell of a party...
ok. time for breakfast and possibly a nap. seriously considering treating myself to a pedicure. at least my toes can be scarlet...
peace & love
i've been up for about four hours. that's pretty blasphemous for a saturday morning, but, it seems i've been conditioned by my commute, sadly enough.
the stress caught up with me and i've been recovering. when exhausted, i typically respond in one of three ways: sinus attack, yeast infection, or uti. the third popped up this time, and of course the antibios have put me in a precarious position around the second. thankfully my sinuses have behaved. but, probiotics, cranberry juice and water are my friends and there's a pot of womb tea on the stove...
like the new paint job? it kinda reminds me of my peaches and cream barbie.
i was going to change the template altogether--i even started to put the project on wordpress--but i didn't want to lose my widgets and links and all that. plus wordpress doesn't really let you slap in outside templates and posting seemed a bit involved (i didn't have that kind of time...). so i started playing around with colors, and voila! new shit.
originally i wanted a scarlet background--lately i'm hooked on red. makes sense, given the root chakra issues--but that made my eyes angry.
today's objective is to get the house together. they're doing another round of those b.s. apartment inspections next week, and mine "might be chosen". ugh. reason #1,921,025 i'd really love to be able to buy a house.
the last time i got a tub refinishing out of it, but they also left my bathroom door off the hinges and my house smelled like a chemical plant for about three days. i had to do some hardcore smudging to deal with that. adupe o, osayin, for your gift of herbs!
now that i think about it, the neighbors probably thought i was having one hell of a party...
ok. time for breakfast and possibly a nap. seriously considering treating myself to a pedicure. at least my toes can be scarlet...
peace & love
11.15.2008
blossoming
i feel like i'm having more interesting conversations with more interesting people.
the world feels more open and full of promise than it has in some time.
it's almost wintertime, but the feeling of fertility makes it seem like spring. i can't even imagine how glorious that actual season will be.
it appears that obama served as a medium for the chant of change...but the energy generated from it is very real. see how spirit works?
we have opened a portal where true, lasting change really is possible.
the work has started.
the mantra has manifested.
2009 is going to be a very compelling year.
the world feels more open and full of promise than it has in some time.
it's almost wintertime, but the feeling of fertility makes it seem like spring. i can't even imagine how glorious that actual season will be.
it appears that obama served as a medium for the chant of change...but the energy generated from it is very real. see how spirit works?
we have opened a portal where true, lasting change really is possible.
the work has started.
the mantra has manifested.
2009 is going to be a very compelling year.
10.25.2008
nothin to it but to do it...
i feel like i'm in the midst of one of those challenging transitions where i need a lot of quiet.
there's a constant sense of work, strategy, maneuvering.
it's imperative that i keep my spaces clean and clear. clutter equals stress, and dirt is especially irritating.
time is precious and needs to be rationed wisely.
my body's changing again. i'm not sure how to feel about it. my mother told me once that my father's sister--whom i resemble pretty closely--suddenly started to slim down around 30, despite having at least one, if not two, of her daughters by then.
on the other hand, there are folks around me with far more pressing issues...hence, i'd feel almost silly complaining.
but...stress is stress. and i'm trying to keep mine from becoming too overwhelming.
there's a constant sense of work, strategy, maneuvering.
it's imperative that i keep my spaces clean and clear. clutter equals stress, and dirt is especially irritating.
time is precious and needs to be rationed wisely.
my body's changing again. i'm not sure how to feel about it. my mother told me once that my father's sister--whom i resemble pretty closely--suddenly started to slim down around 30, despite having at least one, if not two, of her daughters by then.
on the other hand, there are folks around me with far more pressing issues...hence, i'd feel almost silly complaining.
but...stress is stress. and i'm trying to keep mine from becoming too overwhelming.
7.25.2008
steppin to the mic
thinking about this entry again...
i went to an open mic last night at the urging of a couple of talented brothas, and i had a nice time. lots of very talented folks came through and performed.
i also realized that i have no desire to go back to that scene--at least not as a participant.
i'm not saying i'll never write a poem again--i just wrote one the other day--and i'd most certainly go to poetry/spoken word events ("i need to get out more" is a vast understatement). but i don't have any need to share my own musings beyond these online spaces.
the selective stage fright has dissipated. the idea of reading doesn't fill me with dread, but there's also no burning need to speak my peace.
time and space, apparently, have neutralized me.
i'm always going to write because, well, it's what i do. but perform? probably not.
for now, i'll keep (most of) my notebooks, but there will be a massive digital purge. it's all just dead creative weight at this point; fragments that have been lying around for so many years, there's no way to know how to reassemble them.
some things i've "thought" of, i've seen written since. it was my personal proof of the theory that ideas are literally floating through the air, and you and 500 other folks might discover a concept at the same time, but only one or two will actually flesh it out in a way that exposes it to the wider world. the other 498-499 will simply think you a genius when you do.
i've probably lost more half novels and semi second drafted stories than i've ever written--either to outdated technology, the death of my laptop, lost disks, torn up notebooks, etc. and so on--hence the paragraph under this blog's title.
and i'm not sad about it.
i don't know if it's because i'm still finding my voice, or that i'm just not meant to write the next great (american?) novel.
but i'm coming to think of writing as not my calling, but simply a vessel of expression i excel at.
perhaps i will write a book or a blog about my calling that will pull it all together...
but, i'm not a slam poet.
or a mc.
i'm probably not even a novelist or story writer, despite my bits of training.
just a girl who plays with words now and then.
i went to an open mic last night at the urging of a couple of talented brothas, and i had a nice time. lots of very talented folks came through and performed.
i also realized that i have no desire to go back to that scene--at least not as a participant.
i'm not saying i'll never write a poem again--i just wrote one the other day--and i'd most certainly go to poetry/spoken word events ("i need to get out more" is a vast understatement). but i don't have any need to share my own musings beyond these online spaces.
the selective stage fright has dissipated. the idea of reading doesn't fill me with dread, but there's also no burning need to speak my peace.
time and space, apparently, have neutralized me.
i'm always going to write because, well, it's what i do. but perform? probably not.
for now, i'll keep (most of) my notebooks, but there will be a massive digital purge. it's all just dead creative weight at this point; fragments that have been lying around for so many years, there's no way to know how to reassemble them.
some things i've "thought" of, i've seen written since. it was my personal proof of the theory that ideas are literally floating through the air, and you and 500 other folks might discover a concept at the same time, but only one or two will actually flesh it out in a way that exposes it to the wider world. the other 498-499 will simply think you a genius when you do.
i've probably lost more half novels and semi second drafted stories than i've ever written--either to outdated technology, the death of my laptop, lost disks, torn up notebooks, etc. and so on--hence the paragraph under this blog's title.
and i'm not sad about it.
i don't know if it's because i'm still finding my voice, or that i'm just not meant to write the next great (american?) novel.
but i'm coming to think of writing as not my calling, but simply a vessel of expression i excel at.
perhaps i will write a book or a blog about my calling that will pull it all together...
but, i'm not a slam poet.
or a mc.
i'm probably not even a novelist or story writer, despite my bits of training.
just a girl who plays with words now and then.
4.03.2008
pardon my shimmer, beautification in progress
having recently realized how deeply affected i am by beauty, i have decided to beautify my life.
i don’t mean this on a wholly superficial level, but more a project designed to entice and enhance the senses; indulge my sensual self with the goal of discovering my true loves, passions, desires, and needs. it is also a means to spiritual symmetry and loveliness.
i am making an effort to dress in ways that are comfortable, yet flattering. since i’ve (unintentionally) gone down about 1 size, i’m having to rediscover what fits, what doesn’t, how my body has reshaped itself.
i bought a lovely new journal on my birthday. i’ve been carrying one kind of notebook or another with me daily for some time, scribbling thoughts and other things as they arise. the new, beautified journal was part of a commitment to (a) buy no more anonymous, spiral notebooks and (b) no longer compartmentalize my thoughts/feelings/words (typically i’ll have the "daily" notebook, something for poetry, a diary for journaling, another for spiritual matters, etc.).
the goal: regain my flow, let things spill out wherever they please. get messy. become reacquainted with myself.
so don’t mind the extra honey and glitter sprinkled around wherever i may happen to be at any given moment. i’m just working out a few minor details.
i don’t mean this on a wholly superficial level, but more a project designed to entice and enhance the senses; indulge my sensual self with the goal of discovering my true loves, passions, desires, and needs. it is also a means to spiritual symmetry and loveliness.
i am making an effort to dress in ways that are comfortable, yet flattering. since i’ve (unintentionally) gone down about 1 size, i’m having to rediscover what fits, what doesn’t, how my body has reshaped itself.
i bought a lovely new journal on my birthday. i’ve been carrying one kind of notebook or another with me daily for some time, scribbling thoughts and other things as they arise. the new, beautified journal was part of a commitment to (a) buy no more anonymous, spiral notebooks and (b) no longer compartmentalize my thoughts/feelings/words (typically i’ll have the "daily" notebook, something for poetry, a diary for journaling, another for spiritual matters, etc.).
the goal: regain my flow, let things spill out wherever they please. get messy. become reacquainted with myself.
so don’t mind the extra honey and glitter sprinkled around wherever i may happen to be at any given moment. i’m just working out a few minor details.
2.17.2008
fish out of water
preparing to fast forces introspection.
now that i've done it a few times, no matter how long it's been, the very intent to purge and renew--particularly when i'm long overdue for it--pushes me to focus in surprising ways.
case in point: the house has been a mess for weeks. work had me in and out of town all through january, and i simply had neither the will nor the way to get myself or my space together--some shrine maintenancce notwithstanding. i'm sure that the miscarriage (which still feels unreal...) had something to do with that as well.
in any case, i finally picked up my bedroom last night, changed the linens, etc. i still need to remove the random books from the side of the bed.
but once the space was clear, i felt the need to do a few things.
a full moon will arrive towards the end of my cleansing. my intention is to renew the practice of burning obstacles on the full moon and giving thanks/filling space on the new moon. this serves to fine tune and clear my ori, putting me in a better position to work with my traditional shrines and maintain an overall sense of well-being.
in preparation, i wrote out my stumbling blocks and put a couple of prayers on the back of the paper. i left the list on the goddesspace with guadalupe, covered in stones (quartz, moonstone, aquamarine).
working with the goddess cards was another enriching exercise. some ancestor must have been a card reader, because i have fallen in love with them and my tarot deck...i am so glad my intuition led me to begin that learning. but i digress.
the response to my first question, what do i need to know about my womb?, wasn't surprising. selfhood--personified by artemis--is the ultimate goal. i need to renew and rediscover myself. find out who i really am now, and what she wants.
duuuuhhh....
consequently, i've also been feeling very protective/insular about sex. rarely am i so protective when i'm functioning in relationship...or maybe i'm more removed from that than i realize? skimming through sacred woman, queen afua's words resonated: "if the womb has been damaged in any way, a woman's level of creativity and inspiration, stability, success in relationships and fertility levels is potentially impaired."
i am wounded. i require healing. i'm owning that.
responsibility also showed up. i wrote:
now that i've done it a few times, no matter how long it's been, the very intent to purge and renew--particularly when i'm long overdue for it--pushes me to focus in surprising ways.
case in point: the house has been a mess for weeks. work had me in and out of town all through january, and i simply had neither the will nor the way to get myself or my space together--some shrine maintenancce notwithstanding. i'm sure that the miscarriage (which still feels unreal...) had something to do with that as well.
in any case, i finally picked up my bedroom last night, changed the linens, etc. i still need to remove the random books from the side of the bed.
but once the space was clear, i felt the need to do a few things.
a full moon will arrive towards the end of my cleansing. my intention is to renew the practice of burning obstacles on the full moon and giving thanks/filling space on the new moon. this serves to fine tune and clear my ori, putting me in a better position to work with my traditional shrines and maintain an overall sense of well-being.
in preparation, i wrote out my stumbling blocks and put a couple of prayers on the back of the paper. i left the list on the goddesspace with guadalupe, covered in stones (quartz, moonstone, aquamarine).
working with the goddess cards was another enriching exercise. some ancestor must have been a card reader, because i have fallen in love with them and my tarot deck...i am so glad my intuition led me to begin that learning. but i digress.
the response to my first question, what do i need to know about my womb?, wasn't surprising. selfhood--personified by artemis--is the ultimate goal. i need to renew and rediscover myself. find out who i really am now, and what she wants.
duuuuhhh....
consequently, i've also been feeling very protective/insular about sex. rarely am i so protective when i'm functioning in relationship...or maybe i'm more removed from that than i realize? skimming through sacred woman, queen afua's words resonated: "if the womb has been damaged in any way, a woman's level of creativity and inspiration, stability, success in relationships and fertility levels is potentially impaired."
i am wounded. i require healing. i'm owning that.
responsibility also showed up. i wrote:
i do accept responsibility. i have lingered on distractions too long, dealt with some of the wrong foods, etc. i have not given my body [or spirit, for that matter...] the appropriate breaks. i have not honored the wild, free parts of me. i have lost my way.
next, i asked, what are the signs of healing? the answer: justice (ma'at) for my wild/wise woman, creativity, and assertion and fullfillment of my sexual/sensual needs. i need to feel, be surrounded in sensation; i need to be inspired--things i've been saying for months.
i need to have a temper tantrum, then examine what gets tossed around. figure out what's broken for good and what can stay.
i know my relationship with honey isn't going to give me that in the megadoses i need. i don't know how honey will hold up through all of this, but i'm trying not to worry over that. i will never be satisfied if i keep falling into the trap of trying to scour his depths and mine simultaneously--at least when i'm not well.
my usual partner in these matters, cosmo, is too wrapped up in his own healing/reorientation and unavailable to me. and if he were available, i'm not sure i would want to deal with the fallout of wrapping myself around him.
this journey is a solitary one. i can deal with that, but it's not what i'm used to, particularly when i'm already feeling like i've lost community in so many ways.
to be continued. as always.
...keep reading the list...
12.17.2007
inexplicable.
this breaks my heart just as much as this does.
how did my people become so forgetful? where in the bible was christ condemning children as witches and burning them with hot water?
again, i say:
how did my people become so forgetful? where in the bible was christ condemning children as witches and burning them with hot water?
again, i say:
despite the disappointment i feel around these issues, i am convinced that the universe does nothing by accident or coincidence...[we need to arrive at a place] where the hoodoo way can be learned in conjunction with the history and culture of our people so that we are not worried about hunting down witches, but focused on casting spells (i.e., social programs, books, media, curricula) that will strengthen and uplift our people and the world.
11.15.2007
reasonable silence...
i've been more concerned with experience than words. i'm ruled by my senses...the touch, feel, taste of things.
when i'm thrust into something new, i have to feel my way through. my capabilities for speech are diminished during the adjustment period. i have only been able to write enough to achieve understanding of the reasons that i am not writing.
if that makse sense.
my exposure to him* is probably a factor as well. our experience of each other is largely one of pure sensory overload. his presence is catalytic.
among other things.
anyway, y'all have a blissful weekend.
the moon is waxing. seeds are growing.
hope you've got a bountiful harvest to celebrate once she's full.
*note to self: he needs a blog-alias...some of y'all know the full story. any suggestions?
when i'm thrust into something new, i have to feel my way through. my capabilities for speech are diminished during the adjustment period. i have only been able to write enough to achieve understanding of the reasons that i am not writing.
if that makse sense.
my exposure to him* is probably a factor as well. our experience of each other is largely one of pure sensory overload. his presence is catalytic.
among other things.
anyway, y'all have a blissful weekend.
the moon is waxing. seeds are growing.
hope you've got a bountiful harvest to celebrate once she's full.
*note to self: he needs a blog-alias...some of y'all know the full story. any suggestions?
10.16.2007
i've got a lot to think about.
and some changes to go through. so forgive me if i don't write often...
the new job came through, so i've been giving thanks for that.
but now, all of a sudden, the current gig's got the money i should have had six months ago.
however....
i need a challenge.
i need to stretch my wings away from what i like to call the evil empire.
i need a change of scenery--even if it does come with a commute.
i need...fresh air. new faces.
i need opportunities that are gonna help me in the long run.
this deal i've been offered feels like a retrograde special--do it, and you'll regret it.
esu's already spoken, and so has my ori.
i know where i need to be, and i'm pretty certain that it ain't where i'm at.
but a little meditation & some cowrie tossin never hurt.
y'all stay beautiful.
peace.
the new job came through, so i've been giving thanks for that.
but now, all of a sudden, the current gig's got the money i should have had six months ago.
however....
i need a challenge.
i need to stretch my wings away from what i like to call the evil empire.
i need a change of scenery--even if it does come with a commute.
i need...fresh air. new faces.
i need opportunities that are gonna help me in the long run.
this deal i've been offered feels like a retrograde special--do it, and you'll regret it.
esu's already spoken, and so has my ori.
i know where i need to be, and i'm pretty certain that it ain't where i'm at.
but a little meditation & some cowrie tossin never hurt.
y'all stay beautiful.
peace.
9.29.2007
teleportation & gypsies
dream sequence.
i was walking through my old elementary school trying to find a "portal" i used in recurring dreams when i was younger.
as i went through the usual sequence to get where i was going, it didn't seem to add up. a door i thought i remembered using was suddenly too small for an adult.
a few nights ago i had a similar dream about another passageway i used to access through what looked like my parents' basement. i had to concentrate harder to open the passage, and when i got through, i had to use another route because, again, the old one was too small.
i suppose that's confirmation that the releasing of old ways and methods is beneficial. i have to make a bigger, better way for myself, and it probably has more to do with expansion and deliberate action than playing around with teleportation or whatever the hell i was doing in the childhood dreams.
*segue*
not that we had much fleetwood mac in the house--there was at least one manhattan transfer album, but no fleetwood--but everything about this video and song resonated with me. even stevie's twirling dance. i loved all that fantasy stuff--the dark crystal*, legend...
when i see it now, it makes me think of oya or oshun...
*if i do wind up getting a guinea pig? i'm SO naming him/her fuzzgig...
i was walking through my old elementary school trying to find a "portal" i used in recurring dreams when i was younger.
as i went through the usual sequence to get where i was going, it didn't seem to add up. a door i thought i remembered using was suddenly too small for an adult.
a few nights ago i had a similar dream about another passageway i used to access through what looked like my parents' basement. i had to concentrate harder to open the passage, and when i got through, i had to use another route because, again, the old one was too small.
i suppose that's confirmation that the releasing of old ways and methods is beneficial. i have to make a bigger, better way for myself, and it probably has more to do with expansion and deliberate action than playing around with teleportation or whatever the hell i was doing in the childhood dreams.
*segue*
not that we had much fleetwood mac in the house--there was at least one manhattan transfer album, but no fleetwood--but everything about this video and song resonated with me. even stevie's twirling dance. i loved all that fantasy stuff--the dark crystal*, legend...
when i see it now, it makes me think of oya or oshun...
*if i do wind up getting a guinea pig? i'm SO naming him/her fuzzgig...
9.24.2007
quick hello...
i haven't had much to say lately...probably because i'm beginning to stabilize.
feeling prayerful again.
getting back into the job search (got a call today, actually...yay!)
moon time's on its way, but i'm not too daunted by it.
believe me, guys, sometimes it's a good thing when i'm quiet. *smile*
hope you're feeling bountiful and blessed this evening...
peace
feeling prayerful again.
getting back into the job search (got a call today, actually...yay!)
moon time's on its way, but i'm not too daunted by it.
believe me, guys, sometimes it's a good thing when i'm quiet. *smile*
hope you're feeling bountiful and blessed this evening...
peace
8.27.2007
shakti
i've realized that my creativity has not abandoned me, it's been invested in recreating my reality.
my list of needs and wants is a mile long, but i'm also accomplishing goals and setting new ones in record time.
i find myself praying, manifesting, and readjusting almost constantly. my dreams are overflowing with guidance and support.
still, it's been awkward adjusting to the feeling of "missing" my writing; i'm used to leaning on a pen and pad for support.
yes, blogging is writing--but different. i miss the poems, stories, the choreographed wordplay that used to dance effortlessly across my mind.
blogging is more of a release of nervous energy or filing system--a tool that helps me track my progress, tuck away distracting thoughts, converse with folks and spark discussion.
on the other hand, i am grateful that my creative energy understands the necessity of metamorphosis depending on my needs.
right now i don't need to write as much as i need to move, visualize, and mold.
today i am grateful for the gifts granted by evolution.
my list of needs and wants is a mile long, but i'm also accomplishing goals and setting new ones in record time.
i find myself praying, manifesting, and readjusting almost constantly. my dreams are overflowing with guidance and support.
still, it's been awkward adjusting to the feeling of "missing" my writing; i'm used to leaning on a pen and pad for support.
yes, blogging is writing--but different. i miss the poems, stories, the choreographed wordplay that used to dance effortlessly across my mind.
blogging is more of a release of nervous energy or filing system--a tool that helps me track my progress, tuck away distracting thoughts, converse with folks and spark discussion.
on the other hand, i am grateful that my creative energy understands the necessity of metamorphosis depending on my needs.
right now i don't need to write as much as i need to move, visualize, and mold.
today i am grateful for the gifts granted by evolution.
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