rage

by nature, i'm not an angry person. however, i seem to become very aware of my capacity for rage when i'm hormonal. it's uncanny.

maybe i should think of it as a power surge; a sudden awareness of what i could do if i really put my mind to it.

the anger probably comes from not being able to manipulate and shape the power to my liking. who has time to sit in the garden (eh...what garden?) and write or dream up spells or potions or prayers or incantations or whatever? i gotta sit up in this office for 8 hrs and some change and try to act like i don't have a galaxy brewing inside me.

ah well.

i try to keep it all in perspective.

"hurray, hormones!" pt. 2

i'm feeling weepy today.

admin day blows. i try to be grateful, but...eh. i'll say thank you 'cause that's what mommy taught me to do...but as ms. mcafee said,

Some bosses feel compelled to take their secretary, assistant, or whoever out to lunch on Secretaries Day. It's a nice gesture, but who wants to sit through that awkward meal? Anyone who has seen the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode in which Larry David takes his maid on a squirm-worthy lunch date at his country club knows the potential disaster of forced boss-employee conviviality. Instead of Secretaries Day, why not just chip in for a big cake on the Friday before Labor Day and toast everyone in the office—wouldn't that be kinder, not to mention easier? I'd much prefer that to a holiday that's a catch-all for "attagirl," "I'm sorry for being an insufferable employer," and "we should talk about that raise."

here, here.

speaking of raises, i didn't get the money i wanted. i did get a decent boost (we'll see how cruel uncle sam is shortly, i'm sure), but it's still barely what my starting salary would be elsewhere for the same work. so...i will be moving on.

i'm not mad, per se. my prayers were answered. it's a little frustrating, because even though i'm not fond of the job, i do like the people. and i know they appreciate me in their...way. but i need more money. period.

i really, really, really want to move, but i don't know how that's gonna work out. if i can get a moment to breathe, maybe i'll try looking online again today.

every time i think about the fact that i have not bought myself a new outfit/pair of shoes/even really cute underwear in godknowshowlong i want to scream. just about everything i own is practically worn out, hopelessly faded, or just plain old. it's like, i actually need shit at this point. it's not even about just buying stuff to have it.

food is about the only decadence i'm allowed, but i'm trying not to re-gain the weight i lost in february. and the farmer's market in all its cheapy goodness doesn't open until later next month.

honey's job is still working him half to death, and i miss him terribly. he's as supportive as he can be (he was angrier about the raise than i was...ha), and he says he's doing all this so that we can go somewhere this summer, but...i don't know. sometimes i'd just rather have him around for dinner and a movie instead. even so, getting to a beach this summer would greatly improve my mood. i just hope he's not so worn down he can't enjoy it, too.

maybe i need a few days off to get my head together.

or maybe i just need my period to start so i can just stop worrying over all this shit already.

sigh.

welcome to another edition of "hurray, hormones!"

ugh.

i've probably said this before: i almost prefer mood swings.

being totally and utterly dissatisfied with your life situation and wanting to change it within 24-72 hours isn't realistic. yet, lately, i go thru this just about every month.

normally the dissatisfaction isn't that much of an issue--i can give myself a little pep talk and be fine. but when the hormones get involved, i want to set ablaze any and everything i percieve as an obstacle so i can move on.

i want results. yesterday.

i demand to know why i'm not living in a palace on a mountaintop, soaking my feet in a beautiful, clear stream. and why life has to be so goddamned hard all the time (mind you, i haven't lived a hard life. it just feels hard right now 'cause i can't go out and buy myself 5 pairs of candy-colored shoes or hop on a plane on a whim).

i want to be catered to, pampered. or at least be allowed to sit and meditate at will so i can consult intuitive solutions to the things i find dissatisfying. 'cause after 8 hours in my "cage", i'm usually too tired and irritated to meditate about anything.

i want peace, quiet. i want to be allowed to dream for as long as i want and wake up when i want, not to the sound of a shrieking alarm clock, which leaves me feeling disoriented and groggy.

but...i'm here at work, as usual. trying to make it through the day without snapping--verbally or otherwise. and i always manage.

but the process can be exhausting.