counseling vs. ministry

i think there's a difference between "ministers" and "counselors."  most, if not all, ministers are counselors, but not all counselors are ministers.

depending on your point of view, yes, counseling IS a ministry, i.e., all uses of your gifts ultimately acting in service to God/dess.  but i feel more grounded in the concept of someone finding me when they're ready to begin a process, guiding them through, then letting them fly...wash, rinse, repeat.

i do not have a passion for "gathering a flock" and seeing them through the various stages of their lives.  my communal needs revolve more around friends, family and like-minded acquaintances.  it feeds my spirit to be able to draw those people from a variety of sources.

full throttle community-based work requires a different level and type of energy than one-on-one healing, conducting classes/workshops, and writing books.  as much as i respect those that do the former, i'm realizing that my strengths rest in the latter.  

this is not new...more like the reemergence of an old calling empowered by new information.

when i had to think about a "day job," counseling was the only non-creative field that interested me.  the bad news was i majored in psychology instead of social work; i didn't know that a MSW would have given me the foundation for the kind of work i really wanted to do.  my vision of a "social worker" was a paper pushing government employee infringing upon the lives of poor folks. not my cup of tea.

psychology didn't hit the spot, either.  i was not thrilled by statistics, research or the workings of the brain--although that stuff had its moments.  i've always had academic talent, but an academic career would have driven me insane.  i didn't want to write papers, think thoughts (exclusively), or have an alphabet behind my name--i wanted to help people.  

now that i've met several awesome MSWs doing great things, i'm more open to the possibilities.  considering my other training, i could even do my thing with a counseling certification.

this is the vision i want to hold on to.

one step closer to figuring out this thing called my life.

give thanks.

solstice

2013

the year of perfect nothingness.
the year of perfect emptiness.

this year, i choose to be nothing but my true, divinely connected Self.
this year, i empty myself of any over-active ego and open to Spirit.

i choose freedom.  i am free.
i choose joy. i am joyous.
i choose expansion. i am expansive.

i have everything i need to fulfill my destiny.

the singlehood chronicles #11: a progressive retrospective

this summer's venus retrograde sparked a few revelations...and thanks to a rare astrological event destined to hit pisceans especially hard, my saturn return has lasted well into my 30s.

about 3 or 3.5 years ago, someone pushed the reset button on my life.  i left my spiritual family, my relationship finally, fully died...much of what i'd been working towards for the better part of a decade slipped away.

i don't regret any of it; it all had to happen. but it was still a lot to deal with.  i spent the first year sleepwalking, getting by as best i could between the pain and the anger.

in the last 18 months or so, things finally started to bear fruit.  i achieved my dream of becoming a Reiki master, and my spiritual life blossomed in wonderfully unexpected ways.  i am grateful for my new spiritual family, and honored that i'm still welcomed by the one i left.

perhaps most improbable: i can speak to my ex again. that one snuck up on me.

so i should be ecstatic, right?

well, part of me is. 

there's more, though.

i need to create space to breathe, live, love, laugh. i need to feel, deeply.  revel in corporeal joy...eating well, spending time in nature...

and, often, i need it to happen in a way that is not driven only by me.

i know i needed to learn how to do it "alone", but i never thought it would go on this long.  gradually, people i knew got busier, kids were born, marriages and relationships happened and un-happened...and i've just been plugging away at...me.

if i needed to talk something out, it was difficult to express "single people problems" in a way that didn't seem selfish, navel-gazing, or unimportant compared with the concerns of folk who are married and/or partnered, particularly with children.  

soon i realized the comparison was the problem. why give myself problems i don't have?  of course my challenges are different--i'm simply in a different situation.  

i suppose some would see a kind of paradox in declaring i desire a partnership without making the pursuit of one my alpha and omega.  frankly, i'd rather devote my energy to creating the life i long for.

you know that whole thing about shooting for the moon, so that even if you miss, you're still among the stars?  well, if i take the best care of myself now, my love will be a welcome complement and support to a content, whole, confident and blissed-out woman.

and if "the one" doesn't show, that's still a damn good space to be in.

the singlehood chronicles #10: 2 years later

i fit "the demographic": never married, over-30 Black woman.

the kicker: no kids.

trust me, i am not about to delve into the sickening, desperate/despondent, wedded-to-an-endangered-species trope which, in my opinion, is a distorted, hastily drawn conclusion about a complex issue.

still, my reality puts me in a distinct position even in my closest circles. i am slowly becoming The Only One, especially when it comes to motherhood. 

for now, i don't have the cold hard cash to ball my way through my blues.  the velvet glove on that iron fist would be much thicker if i did.  and although i'm still rather ambivalent about mothering and do not long for a child, several dynamics shift when the worlds of others revolve around babies and yours still revolves around...well, you.  

what's frightening is that love and loving has never felt as difficult or elusive as it does now.  i cannot remember a time when i've been this deeply, absolutely single.  for most of my life i've been involved in some kind of love relationship--not because someone told me i "had" to, or even because i sought them out.  they felt right for their time and were easy to find.  i took breaks at will, and it was easy to pick it back up.     

true, i've been focused on several other things over the last 3-4 years, and  i definitely consider myself blessed.  i'm enormously proud of what i've achieved, and i love my friends and the people in my life.  i'm grateful to have the support of my birth and chosen families.

but the clouds creep in more often now, and they're a little more articulate than usual.

i'm human.
i'm a woman.
a woman who has loved and been loved deeply and well.

i can't unlearn that love, or forget it.  no matter how many days i "wish" i could, i know i wouldn't trade those experiences for the world.

but for now, it makes sense to commit to living for myself, and living well.  my hope is to create a life that will allow me to care for myself and realize my dreams--whether there's someone to share it with or not.

i remain open to love, family and the rest, but i've gotten beyond mourning the lack of it.

clearly i'm meant for something outside the "usual" configuration.

time to go out and discover what that something is.
 

{for the other "singlehood" posts, click here.}

accepting your blessing

the universe conspires to give us what we want!*

*assuming: pure intention, a light heart, and alignment with our lifework and highest selves.  warning: in the absence of those qualities, the lessons that pave the way to blessing will continue.

if your lessons tend to dishearten or discourage you, look deeper.  consider what the frustrations and disappointments are teaching you.  the Yoruba say that unless your ori--the part of your consciousness connecting you to the Divine within--is open and willing, God Itself cannot bless you.

again: unless you have prepared yourself to accept and internalize blessing, it can and will roll off you like water off a duck.

if you feel you're in or approaching this space, it's a good time to breathe and be still.  write/pray it out. seek counsel, if necessary.

you deserve to have your dreams come true, and be blessed beyond measure.  knowing that, the least you can do is put out a welcome mat for all the good things waiting to show up at your door.

more ways to welcome the energy of blessing:

• stand in gratitude for what you have.
• observe. {this requires a certain stillness.}
• clear your space--mental, physical, emotional, spiritual--as needed and necessary.
• listen. listen. listen. make time for meditation, not just prayer.
• be aware, but don't worry.
• be prudent, but not fearful.

may all that stands in the way of your success be removed. may you be filled with the knowing that Divine Love and Support exist for you. may you rush in the direction of that which will bless you. asé.

energetic self care

one of the things i've learned over the years is that once you're involved in spiritual community--any community, really--you wind up praying for folks quite a bit.  there's always a situation or three brewing that require a little extra oomph to push them along.

in the midst of this, it can be easy to forget to pray for yourself--in the same ways that being overworked or over-committed in the wider world can cause you to forget to eat.

yes, moving energy for the benefit of others holds innumerable rewards.  i firmly believe that all the blessings you send come right back to you. still, it's vitally important for all of us who carry the asé of healers, priests, spiritual vessels, etc, to maintain rituals of self care so we can continue to work effectively for others. 

many of us can relate to stories of elders and mentors who have literally given until it hurt. there can be a fine line between selfless devotion and full-on burnout, and several of us walk it.

while i was in massage school, we were frequently told about bodyworkers who only worked for five years or so because poor body mechanics can lead to carpal tunnel, broken bones, or worse.

both bodywork and psychology taught me about the issues surrounding transference, outlining the need to balance deep compassion and healing with the realities of power dynamics and human emotion.

for me, the message was clear: if you're devoted to assisting others in some way, you must also become intimately familiar with your own level of and issues around self care.

the depletion can be very subtle at first, and is often missed.  sometimes it's a twinge of fatigue, or a sense that things are slipping through your hands instead of gathering to you. you might become forgetful, unfocused, clumsy.

if you can't pin down a specific reason for these changes, find a moment to stop and be still. take a few deep breaths. 

as you're breathing, what do you feel?  is the fatigue or sense of being "dull" concentrated anywhere in your body?  if you're an energy worker, scan your physical and energetic bodies. what energy centers need attention? 

once you've identified the "holes", use your intuition to "plug" them. there are many ways to do this; choose the method(s) that speak to you:

• anoint yourself with a protective or cleansing oil/perfume. a frankincense & myrrh blend is good for just about anything.
• carry protective gemstones - either as jewelry or loose stones (e.g., tiger's eye, hematite, tibetan quartz, rose quartz).
• cleanse, re-empower or bless consecrated jewelry/talismans and wear them. 
• pray.  many scriptures speak of protection and the Divine's role as a shield. 
  you could also say something like: i ask that any personal energy that is NOT being used to fulfill my highest destiny or serve my greatest good be purified and returned to me, so i may use it to... [state your goals/intent or the healing you need. close your prayer in your usual fashion.]
• meditate. focus on the places that feel compromised.  affirm and strengthen those centers with the appropriate sounds, colors, or mantras/chants.

may you be well and stay well...and may the care you give to others always be an extension of the love you offer yourself. asé.

boundaries!

my first video blog: a little something on good boundaries and how they keep us on track.

synergetic synthesis

a few years ago, i consciously began the process of synthesizing the parts of myself i'd either scattered far and wide, or pushed into obscurity.

many of us split ourselves this way, for various reasons.  for me, there were times when this scattering happened in the name of protection, but more often it was simply to fit in, feel normal {whatever that is}.

in a general sense, some folks become aware of these splits, then try to gather in the disparate parts.  others allow the soul-shards to wander--at best never fully actualizing their full potential; at worst, fearing and hating the manifestation of those aspects in others.  sometimes people will even project that hatred outward.

in any case, if you've been reading along for awhile, you know how often i've used this space to speak on the process of re-integrating my self back to myself.

during my morning prayers, i cried--tears of frustration, longing, mourning.  but those tears made way for an important realization: today, i'm probably more fully integrated than i've been since childhood. i still have moments when i wonder how i'll be received, but i no longer fear myself or my power.

i took a deep breath and stood securely in the knowing that people, places, and circumstances of my life  always adjust to reflect my state of being.  as long as i follow the patterns and heed the signs, things run smoothly.   there is no reason for this phase to be any different.

gotta keep moving...
[again]

an (un)likely story: from abuse to healing

TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of sexual abuse, molestation, sexual coercion, self-mutilation. the triggering text is noted by border lines.

if you need immediate help or resources for these issues, skip the text, and scroll down to the bottom border.

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{note: i encourage you to share this as you deem necessary. i only ask that you please do so in full--including the trigger warning--and with proper credit. thank you in advance.}

black mermaid...

if you've read this, it's easy to see why this song means so much...

fear, loathing, spiders and breakthroughs

today i'm remembering that fear often stands in front of the wisdom we need.

now, i'm too stubborn and proud to let anything "scare" me for long.  i'll hide and cry for a little while, but i quickly get tired of myself.  eventually, i'll crawl out, take a deep breath, and bulldoze over whatever had the nerve to frighten me in the first place.

generally, this works.

but not with spiders.

i've been terrified of spiders my entire life.  there was no horrible incident or movie that did it.  it just was.  they show up in dreams, and i scream until i wake myself up.

as a child, i would wake my father--something of a cardinal sin in our house, given his work schedule--to do it for me. he was always very compassionate about it.

if i had to deal with my mother, she'd click her tongue and chastise the phobia. she was into the "you're bigger" and "they're more afraid of you" method, but it didn't work. size didn't matter, and if they were so scared, how come they didn't move like birds when i made loud noises or waved my arms? 

if they show up in my house, that's a wrap. if someone else is there--particularly a man--i have them stomp the ferocious insect out.  'cause, you know, it takes me forever to find something large/long enough where i don't have to be right in its face to kill it.  and i can barely look at it to verify its demise, but i have to in order to be at peace.

god help me if i swat at it and it jumps. or runs away so i have no idea where it is. 

i've been known to spend a night somewhere other than my bed after a failed squashing attempt.

yes, it's that serious.

i feel awful about this fear, particularly given my general indifference towards most other insects (i.e., i don't really like 'em, but they don't frighten me).  i often beg forgiveness before i smash them, aware that many cultures see spiders as good, helpful bugs and spiritual messengers.

i know grandmother spider is here to help me.  we've talked.  i know she wants to show me how to weave all my selves, gifts, and ideas into a self contained whole.  she's resourceful, living anywhere.  she's strong, and so is her web.   i've already been bitten.

who do you think taught you to make connections, weave thoughts? when you expand and your aura easily stretches across at least half a dozen pathways, who else do you think could have shown you that?

some of my greatest fears have been of my power, rooted in the notion that if i were to truly delve into myself, my deepest desires, dreams and ways of being, that'd be too much for this this existence.  i already feel alone enough; i need to be normal. 

as soon as i found writings speaking of spider as expansion, i understood a little more about my fear. 

even so, i've been floundering for some time, and, frankly, i'm tired of it.

i am more aware of my gifts than i've ever been, but i struggle with creating a cohesive whole. 

i know i need to center myself and begin weaving.

for me, in this lifetime, grandmother spider stands at that gateway.  if i'm going to pass through and gain the wisdom i need, she must be given her due.

*deep breath*

may the lessons be gentle.  and the apparitions few.

love/thought bursts

i am stretching in ways i could not have anticipated; new superpowers emerge daily.

i did not explicitly ask for this (or maybe i did), but i'm remaining grateful for the journey.

interestingly, i used to be completely focused on working to open my heart, to heal and accept love/loving as it arrived in my life.  i refused to let the pain overtake me or steal my joy.

today, i'm constantly aware of how heavily fortified my heart is...not from hurt and shame, but because i gave my heart to someone who dropped it.  from a very high height.

all those years of opening led to another closing; an understanding that i can only make myself available to someone with much steadier hands. until he appears, the fort has to stay in place.

it isn't ideal, but it works.        

i know precisely what i'm dancing around; i am keeping time with the music and measuring my steps.

i know loving fully and deeply again will not be easy for me, but i will face the new openings and fears when they come.

the right partner, the right loving will give me the strength.   

vodou child

in the new orleans airport, i found voodoo dreams by jewell parker-rhodes. although it was published over a decade ago, i'd never heard of it.

after a few pages, i was reading it as if it were going to float out of my hands at any moment.

a few days ago, i purchased the sequel, voodoo season. i've started it, but haven't had time to make too much of a dent.

i am intrigued by parker-rhodes' intimate familiarity with the lwa damballah and the various manifestations of spiritual sensitivity. i hadn't seen so much of myself in a book since octavia butler's parable of the sower.

the fictionalized marie laveau felt like a past life; her great-great granddaughter, marie levant, holds parts of my present one. i'm sure it was no mistake that she renamed the heroine levant, "rising", to counter the earlier la veau--the (nearly sacrificial) calf.

also compelling is levant's connection to her unknown-to-her ancestry. since i began revering my ancestors, i've come to intuit that i come from a long line of priestesses and wise women--african, native american, and european.

understanding that, i realized that i am not as unusual as i believed myself to be.

but i have no proof.

that's probably an advantage to families that stayed in the south: they remained closer to the spirits of the ancestors, the fields they worked, the stories of roots women and hoodoo men.

as much as i love my concrete, i need those stories now.

happy mardi gras, cher

i love mardi gras. for some reason, this is the only widely celebrated day that actually feels like a holiday to me.

i think it's all the ritualizing around impending spring/rebirth that i enjoy. plus i'm always in the midst of my birth-time energy. the depression and heaviness of fall and winter finally start to crack and fall away--no matter how cold it happens to be.

originally, i was born on a palm sunday. i think my actual birthdate has fallen on or near it several times since. i always liked to hear my mother talk about how it was an unseasonably warm, very beautiful afternoon.

i was raised lutheran, so mom always made pancakes for dinner on "shrove tuesday", also tons of fun. what kid doesn't appreciate breakfast for dinner? still, having successfully resisted sunday school, i did not understand the full meaning behind it until much later.

so this is, in many ways, my season.

spring seems to struggle to get here. it's not like october with a colorful equinox or that typical late may/june overnight leap into full summer.

the month of march feels almost violently transitional. anything can happen with the weather, from beautiful pre-spring days to freezing rain and snow.

it really is like a microcosm of my birth and my life.

so, enjoy the party, and don't give up too much for lent, hear?

one unique sista (apparently)

you know, every time i see something like this or a blog like this, i start to wonder: am i really that different?*

or maybe gender roles are just that fked up, arbitrary, and nonsensical.

or, alternately, maturity is the true rarity.

either way, the "usual" crap/handling doesn't work on me, and hasn't since i was a teenager.

i am unmarried and childless because i was raised to make very thoughtful choices around those matters--if i chose to take that route in life at all. neither is or was central to womanhood in my family.

i have never had a problem attracting or "keeping" men, and even though i identify as a womanist/feminist, i have nothing against mothering/childbirth, as i've written about here a few times.

in my experience, needing to be right is generally a male affliction.

sure, i can get hormonal, but i KNOW when i am and will tell you (my moods don't swing anything like they used to anyway).

i do not covet, enjoy, like or entertain drama. i watch it on tv.

black men--or men in general, for that matter--are not my enemy and i do not treat them as such.

i know my shit, i've worked on a lot of it, and i'm willing to keep working on it if/when necessary. i expect the same of my partners.

so i really don't know what to tell you. either there are a lot of children out there masquerading as grown folk, or y'all know some really interesting people.



*for the record, i rather enjoy very smart brothas. i am NOT a fan of tubman--whether he's serious or not. he's a defcon 1 level tkon associate, obviously

who's really queer?

i enjoy it when i can turn a pity party into something more conducive to discussion, so here goes.

so the dominant culture values monogamy and nuclear family, right? it's "good" for a man and woman to partner and have kids with clear paternity, etc. you form your unit and that's supposed to be enough. forever.

but if you're really, fully attracted to the gender opposite your own--for the sake of clarity, i'm only dealing with bio cisgender male/female dualistic gender dynamics at the moment--then wouldn't the inclination be to surround yourself with that opposite? whether you're monogamously partnered or not, wouldn't you tend to have fewer friends of your own gender?

i've always preferred the company of men, and i've always attracted male friends easier than female ones. in many cases physical intimacy never entered into it. when it did, it wasn't always a defining feature of the relationship, simply an expression of caring or some level of mutual affection/attraction that waned in its own time.

(sidebar: it'd be nice if more people could suspend their fears of sleeping with "just a friend". it can be a fantastic experience.)

now that i'm way past any sort of college social scene and entering my 30s, it becomes very difficult to meet men i can be friendly with without the fear of being misconstrued.

i realize that i'm able to blur the lines between friendship and loving fairly easily, but that others don't necessarily share that skill. learned the hard way. so, often, i find myself imposing all kinds of dams and walls just to keep things on a level that's easily understood. but that becomes exhausting, so i've simply stopped trying.

the consequence? more monotone--but clear, carefully constructed--relationships and a bit of a social shutdown. not to mention some measure of loneliness.

i miss my men.

that said, i've always been intrigued by women/men that envelop themselves with their sistafriends/boys--single or not--and wondered how attraction plays in to that.

i'm aware, to a degree, of the dynamics of women-identified-women, whether or not they happen to have sexually intimate relationships with women. however, it's interesting to me when a woman's partner seems to be one of few men they can stand, or their relationship is a convenient place to bear/raise children, but spiritually, socially, emotionally...it's all about their circle of women. same with men who find it imperative to be surrounded by their "boys" a good measure of the time.

are these varying shades of non-sexual/amorous identification part of what "queer" means?

wouldn't that make us ALL queer?*

maybe i'm just polyamorous at heart?

labels almost always suck, but when you start thinking about it, being truly "straight" seems to wind up being the outlying identification.

(sidebar 2: puts you in mind of how white european culture dominates when asian, african and other people of color make up the majority of the world. by the numbers, "pale people" should be an identifying phrase instead. how's that for a parallel...)

which brings me to another point. maybe folks are so unnerved by glbtq people because they're saying out loud what the culture wants to keep quiet--that it's really unnatural to relegate oneself to same-sex or similarly coupled friends and sexual frustration forever more.** the difference being that glbtq coupling is "wrong" since its primary goal may not be the (biological) production of people.

can't you just see all the shades of patriarchy, consumer capitalism and authoritarianism swimming underneath all this? ugly, ain't it?

what i do know, accept and love about myself is that my womanist, goddess-loving, grrrl power spirit finds some of its fullest expression in the adoration and sensual freedom i enjoy with my men.

while my political and social lenses allow me to appreciate, respect, and embody sisterhood, they do not urge me ever closer to my sisters on those emotional/spiritual/social levels i spoke of earlier--although those moments are necessary and renewing.

those eyes actually make me swoon that much more when i can rest in the arms of a strong, intelligent, secure, broad-shouldered, sensual, sweet-smelling man.

to each her own, i suppose.


*i don't mean to imply that i would appropriate that distinction, understanding the political importance of those kinds of distinctions at this juncture; i only use it to prove a point. still, it's good to understand that, in a heterogeneous culture, normality is arbitrary...

**this is NOT to support the ideology that somehow people are not meant to be monogamous, or that men cannot be "tied down", etc and so on. people should honor whatever commitments they've made to their partners and if they cannot, they should leave. deception ain't cool. but since so many people are pushed and pressured into boxes that don't fit, lies and deceit are the natural consequences.

i greet the sun and celebrate his return...

for the first time in a looong time, i started the day with surya namaskar--the sun salutation.

i spent well over a year as a regular yogini, and i miss it. it's very, very interesting how, once attuned to it, your body doesn't forget it and will even call for it.

i have to admit: today is special. even without buying in to all the christmas gifts and "holiday cheer", there's something lovely about the vibe of the day. i suppose that all those thoughts about sweet baby jesus can't help but change the air...

whatever you do to mark the solstice and the new year, may you be blessed, enlightened, held and nurtured, and may you give those blessings freely in return.

peace, light and love,

o.

lights, camera, action (breakdown pt. 2)

i've been thinking along these lines again...

all last week, before the cold grabbed me, i'd been feeling like i really needed to cry, let loose. but it's extremely difficult for me to release without a catalyst. crying often requires a logical progression of carefully controlled environmental factors.

i tricked myself into all this a long time ago. as a good little girl who didn't want to get anyone into trouble, i got exceptionally good at hiding my pain.

i had rules:

• if you must cry, only cry when you know you're utterly alone.
• if you're caught, say it's about something else.
• talk to the dolls, your angels, and god.
• breathe deeply. inhale the tears.
• in a pinch, push it all down into your stomach (note: remember not to eat for a few hours after this trick)

all that sort of thing.

not only did i get good at hiding my feelings from other people, i became proficient at hiding them from myself. i learned that it could be hard to hide the tears when i couldn't stop the ugly thoughts rushing through my mind. sometimes i had to get up early. or stay up late. i didn't have time.

mostly, i just put my fingers in my ears and refused to listen. and more of that stomach-pushing.

occasionally i took it out on a boyfriend or lover, or cloaked it in a dream like haze to take the edge off. the most benign option: find a way to fictionalize it and write it out.

these were my survival tactics and, as such, have been difficult to relinquish.

the very idea of letting go, showing weakness--even when i'm alone--can terrify me.

some part of me is stuck in time, holding back that huge dam of black water that threatens to overtake and kill me if i let it out.

but i know better.
the water's been drained, purified, redirected, released.
the pain is not what it was.
i am not who i was.

lately, these kinds of revelations are coming in waves. i know it's part of a push to revert me back to my true(st) self, but even that's laced with fear. it's a self i don't quite remember.

i cannot begin to explain how difficult it is to consciously remember what i was "before". i used to think my cloudy memories were simply a manifestation of how i process information. now i wonder if it's really a symptom of the neutralization of so many powerful, life-altering feelings.

hm.

apparently, when i was younger, i used to say i wanted to grow up to be an actress.

it'd be interesting to see what i could do on a stage with all this real-life training...

singlehood chronicles # 4

so now the evil little thoughts have started to seep in...

"oh god...what happens if he decides he doesn't like me??"
"i can't keep going with this...i might get hurt!"
"he might say 'no'..."
"this feels too nice..."

*record scratch*

hold up.

this is not me.

since my healing began 13 years ago, i have been blessed with the ability to be near fearless in love, lust, and everything in between.

however, spending most of my 20s in an almost incessant cycle of karma breaking and lesson learning gave me a pretty decent case of amnesia.

i'd almost forgotten that risks are good...and important.

besides, my heart could very well be approaching unbreakable status. one gift of my struggle has been a near seamless internalization of reason-season-lifetime.

i am secure in my love of spirit and love of self. that, by extension, makes me secure in all things.

i can love without labels, give without remorse, and spread honey and glitter with abandon. i can share this wonderment with whomever i choose.

and so what if i happen to shed a few tears along the way? being human, it's easy to forget what i (deeply) know.

what's key is that i come back to this place, every time. because i've done the work. because i know.

thus, i was able to soothe myself: "honey, if he doesn't want you, then he's not the one. for every 'no' he could possibly say to you, you'll hear 'yes' in a hundred different ways. and it feels good because it's supposed to."

womb wonder

ladies, ladies, ladies.

can we talk?

if you have never allowed your sweet spot to do your thinking for you*, i invite you to try.

since i performed the anger ritual, renewed my bathing practices**, and listened for Her whispers, i've been feeling lighter and freer each day.

this morning, i woke up feeling delicious.

i worked most of my day barefoot and listening to great music.

i had fun singing at the top of my lungs in bumper to bumper traffic.

i came home, greedily ate my fill and topped it off with a candy bar because i felt like it.

i'm glowy and loving and free spirited today...

all because i remembered that i am a microcosm of the goddess.

i have a lovely, healthy, radiant kitty (i'm SO not talking about my cat...) that adores me.

i am honored by the visions and dreams that come when i listen to her.

all hail the gateway to life...



*if you are out of touch with your womb/clitoris/sexual energy, try connecting to some online information like this, books like the clitoral truth, or a gynocentric sex shop like babeland. and, if necessary, don't be afraid of support groups and individual therapy.

**iba yemonja. so often, my healing comes from water. i could never have felt this wonderful without her healing waters. adupe o for washing my feet and accepting my offerings. olugbe-rere ko, olugbe-rere ko, olugbe-rere ko. gbe rere ko ni olu-gbe-rere. ase.

maferefun oshun, latojoku awede we mo. my mother, my heart, the source of all my bliss. i give thanks and i honor you, always. ore yeye o! ase.