today's thought

working towards synthesis is exhausting.

runnin across my mind...

i gotta break this one up into pieces...

I
you really need to read this woman's blog, discovered thanks to the illustrious goddess glory. wait til you're @ home...darkdaughta isn't erotic, but there is quite a bit of nudity, both in the background art and her birthing stories.

to deprogram the way she's done and to seek to give her children the same gift from birth onwards is nothing short of miraculous. she gets serious props from me. if we don't wise up and the fall comes (heaven forfend), kids like hers are the ones who'll survive & lead the revolution.


II
speaking of birthing stories, the intense, nearly bone-deep desire to experience pregnancy, birth, and motherhood has returned. it could be a manifestation of the other changes i'm trying to create and work through...but again, it's not merely mental.

considering the current state of my relationship, i don't know when or how my baby will manifest his/herself. but i have prayed that the event be inundated with bliss from beginning to end. when those conditions can be met, i'm sure i'll find myself in a family way, as the ancestors used to say.

III
i'm also aware of the 10 things this morning...after a few days of discomfort and aggravation, i'm enjoying myself again.

IV
another plug: check out fatman scoop & shanda, if you haven't already. they're hilarious. and a wonderfully loving couple, if i do say so myself. i'll bet that in 30 yrs, they're gonna be the grandparents makin everybody grin with envy 'cause he's still chasin her around the kitchen like they just met.

the economics of black love

got another man question on my mind.

a recent conversation had me wondering: why is it that so many of our men don't understand that they can't have it both ways?

you cannot remain a child and shoulder the responsibilities of a man.

you cannot beg and plead for a woman to help you bear a legacy and not understand the importance and necessity or providing for said legacy.

the need for stability, a touch of ambition, and the realization of it being possible to do bad by one's self has been the death knoll for more than one black love affair.

is this an across-the-board thing, or is it just us?

is it just another example of how our mentalities have not quite begun to gel with the current state of the nation/economy/world?

it's not enough to just "get by" anymore. we're standing on quicksand in a lot of respects, and we need to be prepared. there need to be some foundations laid.

land/houses need to be owned.
finances need to be in order.

like it or not, we gotta get in overdrive, yesterday.

finish that degree, or find a trade.

how are you gonna finance the education & networking you'll need to succeed as an entrepreneur?

if you're 30+, that recording contract might not be coming.

where's the money coming from for that community organization you're dreaming of building?

you might have to suck up your revolutionary leanings--in the sense of counting on them to put food on the table--and let go of that under-the-table gig that puts a little cash in your pocket. just for a year or so, you may have to sit in somebody's office and be bored to death with the rest of us.

you think sistas like being "successful"? it grates on us just as much as it does you, grinnin in the face of the man or ms. lucy every day. but we've got babies--your babies--to provide for.

if you and yours have determined that the lifestyle of activism and literal struggle is the one for you, i admire the the hell outta that. but many of us need to know that we're going to be set up with the basics: good food, a decent, independent living space, respectable clothing, and healthcare. and that goes up about one million notches when we have children to think of.

i'm not saying you have to buy into the system completely. i'm not saying you have to chase the so-called american dream or rack up a gazillion dollars in credit card debt to keep up with the johnsons.

but until we can (a) go back to africa & rebuild en masse, (b) buy up a ton of land and create quasi-utopias a la oyotunji, or (c) get the money, power, and prestige to change the game, we're here.

you don't have to play by ALL the rules, but you might wanna start thinking long and hard about which ones are worth breaking and which ones you're gonna have to swallow. keep volunteering, keep dreaming, keep struggling for the people--but make sure you're also getting (legally & regularly) paid.

your life outside the 9-5 can be the balm of gilead. but you gotta put in work.

tonight, i pray

i have my obstacles all lined up and ready for burning. ashe!

i'm going to clean my house and wash my hair.

i get to see the babies tomorrow. that always makes me happy.

i'm feeling better today than i have in awhile. i can't tell if it was being able to treat myself to a yummy dinner, or just having a little money in my pocket. sometimes i forget that as a child of oshun, having a little change to jingle around can make all the difference.

the moon's probably helping as well. having a full moon to work with in the midst of my cycle can be a very rejuvenating combination, even if i have to walk through some flames to get there.

i wrote a little last night. the project is still evolving. maybe that's the embryo i was trying to name yesterday. i just have to keep twirling it between my fingers, shaping and molding until i start to see a shape i like.

it is a fantastic moment when all the hormonal fog clears and i start feeling and thinking like a rational being again. yes, there is order in the chaos, but yikes.

today i am grateful for clarity, owo (money), moon magic, and words.

light years

If you don't know you can be light years
Away from your true destination. No conscious escalation
Until I get with good vibration
I'm never gonna get to use that
use that earthly power
Substitutes
Can never take the place of peace of mind
Losing all sense of direction.

~jamiroquai, "light years"

i'm trying to refrain from saying i hate my job until i have someplace else to go.

still, having to deal with my inner child's temper tantrums upon waking on weekday mornings has become a little tiring.

i feel like i can't understand my dreams because i'm too busy trying to fight off the bullshit and boredom of my days.

my spirit isn't the only thing that's free. sometimes i feel like i was born to be freedom, period. but that's not something that's easy to be when you're trying to be a "grown-up" in this society. saving up precious "vacation" days just to have a little time to breathe...and hell, at least i get vacation...wtf is that about?

you know what? fk it.
i'm grateful for what i have
and where i am.
i'm aware of my progression
at least i'm writing fairly regularly again...

this situation has always been temporary.

i'ma be aight.

still. when that alarm clock goes off...

emotional detox

these prove far more potent than the physical ones. at least for me.

when you fast, cleanse, etc., you have much more control over the process.

your mind/spirit doesn't have the 24 hour window your digestive system does. it might flush out at random, hitting you with all kinds of craziness.

i woke up from one dream silently screaming

another had me frustrated, hurt, and even a little jealous

yet another made me remember there are things you don't get "over". ever.

the one that had me terrified really shouldn't have. a swarm of red ants crawled up my legs and over my body. at the time, i was (supposedly) filming a movie. had i remembered that, i would have known it was all an elaborate fake and could have learned something from it all. ah, hindsight.

instead, the ants started coming (until they "touched" me i "knew" they weren't real...), and i started screaming. i opened my eyes with every nerve in my body tingling, cottonmouthed, praying i didn't really scream that loudly.

the frustration dream put me within almost-spitting distance of someone i miss terribly, but i couldn't go to him. in the last dream i had of him, i figured it wasn't worth speaking to him, but now--even though he was much farther away physically--i despised not being able to run to the street (i watched him from a window) and make myself known. when i saw him invite a woman to sit down with him, obviously flirting, i became livid--but only for the second it took me to realize how irrational that was.

in the next scene, i saw him, obviously ill, in a wheelchair (on tv, of all places). i was maddened. how could that have happened to him? where was i? couldn't i heal him? i sensed he might have been sick when i saw him from the window and hated myself for not getting to him then.

the third dream had me speaking to a jennifer hudson clone who was also a therapist. she spoke-sang all these questions to try and gauge my feelings about my 20someodd year old molestation and i'm wondering "who the hell is she & what business is it of hers?". all the while, i'm in a house that i'm told belongs to me, but is full of a stranger's things. obviously that one drudged up quite a few emotions.

i've dealt with that situation via all the proper channels, but what ppl don't tell you is the disclaimer: innocence doesn't really get lost, just violated. stolen from. afterwards, it hangs around the victim trying to remember what it was, and all its requisite pain must be given its due respect and expression.

i woke up feeling relatively rested, considering.

all i can do is be grateful i see this for what it is and pray that it has cleared the way for much more positive, illuminating dreams for the rest of the week.

i say all this to say: don't run from your nightmares. look them dead in the face and figure out what they're trying to say.