this summer's venus retrograde sparked a few revelations...and thanks to a rare astrological event destined to hit pisceans especially hard, my saturn return has lasted well into my 30s.
about 3 or 3.5 years ago, someone pushed the reset button on my life. i left my spiritual family, my relationship finally, fully died...much of what i'd been working towards for the better part of a decade slipped away.
i don't regret any of it; it all had to happen. but it was still a lot to deal with. i spent the first year sleepwalking, getting by as best i could between the pain and the anger.
in the last 18 months or so, things finally started to bear fruit. i achieved my dream of becoming a Reiki master, and my spiritual life blossomed in wonderfully unexpected ways. i am grateful for my new spiritual family, and honored that i'm still welcomed by the one i left.
perhaps most improbable: i can speak to my ex again. that one snuck up on me.
so i should be ecstatic, right?
well, part of me is.
there's more, though.
i need to create space to breathe, live, love, laugh. i need to feel, deeply. revel in corporeal joy...eating well, spending time in nature...
and, often, i need it to happen in a way that is not driven only by me.
i know i needed to learn how to do it "alone", but i never thought it would go on this long. gradually, people i knew got busier, kids were born, marriages and relationships happened and un-happened...and i've just been plugging away at...me.
if i needed to talk something out, it was difficult to express "single people problems" in a way that didn't seem selfish, navel-gazing, or unimportant compared with the concerns of folk who are married and/or partnered, particularly with children.
soon i realized the comparison was the problem. why give myself problems i don't have? of course my challenges are different--i'm simply in a different situation.
i suppose some would see a kind of paradox in declaring i desire a partnership without making the pursuit of one my alpha and omega. frankly, i'd rather devote my energy to creating the life i long for.
you know that whole thing about shooting for the moon, so that even if you miss, you're still among the stars? well, if i take the best care of myself now, my love will be a welcome complement and support to a content, whole, confident and blissed-out woman.
and if "the one" doesn't show, that's still a damn good space to be in.
Showing posts with label desires. Show all posts
Showing posts with label desires. Show all posts
8.19.2012
the singlehood chronicles #10: 2 years later
i fit "the demographic": never married, over-30 Black woman.
the kicker: no kids.
trust me, i am not about to delve into the sickening, desperate/despondent, wedded-to-an-endangered-species trope which, in my opinion, is a distorted, hastily drawn conclusion about a complex issue.
still, my reality puts me in a distinct position even in my closest circles. i am slowly becoming The Only One, especially when it comes to motherhood.
for now, i don't have the cold hard cash to ball my way through my blues. the velvet glove on that iron fist would be much thicker if i did. and although i'm still rather ambivalent about mothering and do not long for a child, several dynamics shift when the worlds of others revolve around babies and yours still revolves around...well, you.
what's frightening is that love and loving has never felt as difficult or elusive as it does now. i cannot remember a time when i've been this deeply, absolutely single. for most of my life i've been involved in some kind of love relationship--not because someone told me i "had" to, or even because i sought them out. they felt right for their time and were easy to find. i took breaks at will, and it was easy to pick it back up.
true, i've been focused on several other things over the last 3-4 years, and i definitely consider myself blessed. i'm enormously proud of what i've achieved, and i love my friends and the people in my life. i'm grateful to have the support of my birth and chosen families.
but the clouds creep in more often now, and they're a little more articulate than usual.
i'm human.
i'm a woman.
a woman who has loved and been loved deeply and well.
i can't unlearn that love, or forget it. no matter how many days i "wish" i could, i know i wouldn't trade those experiences for the world.
but for now, it makes sense to commit to living for myself, and living well. my hope is to create a life that will allow me to care for myself and realize my dreams--whether there's someone to share it with or not.
i remain open to love, family and the rest, but i've gotten beyond mourning the lack of it.
clearly i'm meant for something outside the "usual" configuration.
time to go out and discover what that something is.
{for the other "singlehood" posts, click here.}
the kicker: no kids.
trust me, i am not about to delve into the sickening, desperate/despondent, wedded-to-an-endangered-species trope which, in my opinion, is a distorted, hastily drawn conclusion about a complex issue.
still, my reality puts me in a distinct position even in my closest circles. i am slowly becoming The Only One, especially when it comes to motherhood.
for now, i don't have the cold hard cash to ball my way through my blues. the velvet glove on that iron fist would be much thicker if i did. and although i'm still rather ambivalent about mothering and do not long for a child, several dynamics shift when the worlds of others revolve around babies and yours still revolves around...well, you.
what's frightening is that love and loving has never felt as difficult or elusive as it does now. i cannot remember a time when i've been this deeply, absolutely single. for most of my life i've been involved in some kind of love relationship--not because someone told me i "had" to, or even because i sought them out. they felt right for their time and were easy to find. i took breaks at will, and it was easy to pick it back up.
true, i've been focused on several other things over the last 3-4 years, and i definitely consider myself blessed. i'm enormously proud of what i've achieved, and i love my friends and the people in my life. i'm grateful to have the support of my birth and chosen families.
but the clouds creep in more often now, and they're a little more articulate than usual.
i'm human.
i'm a woman.
a woman who has loved and been loved deeply and well.
i can't unlearn that love, or forget it. no matter how many days i "wish" i could, i know i wouldn't trade those experiences for the world.
but for now, it makes sense to commit to living for myself, and living well. my hope is to create a life that will allow me to care for myself and realize my dreams--whether there's someone to share it with or not.
i remain open to love, family and the rest, but i've gotten beyond mourning the lack of it.
clearly i'm meant for something outside the "usual" configuration.
time to go out and discover what that something is.
{for the other "singlehood" posts, click here.}
2.23.2011
i want...
it's less than a month 'til my birthday. and i have a wishlist a mile long.
now, i have what i need, generally speaking. so this isn't meant to be a long complaint. but i think it's worth getting in touch with the (mostly) little things i'm desiring right now and give voice to all the little bits and pieces of "lack" in my life.
so here goes {this will be a living document...}:
cash is always welcomed...
an awesome new place to do yoga. {suggestions for studios welcome...PG county or NE DC would work best...or within walking distance of a metro station.}
a pretty new compact mirror.
a new wallet.
shoes. in the sensible department, i need at least 2 pairs of boots (black and brown) and2 1 pair of flats (also in black and brown). just for fun: stilettos.
pretty scarves
all these books
i'm starting to crave a laptop...
miniskirt
fishnets
spring skirts
cardigans
a new blush brush. or a whole new set of makeup brushes. why not.
snake jewelry!! this is a nice start. and don't forget the matching earrings...
the new orleans voodoo tarot deck
now, i have what i need, generally speaking. so this isn't meant to be a long complaint. but i think it's worth getting in touch with the (mostly) little things i'm desiring right now and give voice to all the little bits and pieces of "lack" in my life.
so here goes {this will be a living document...}:
cash is always welcomed...
an awesome new place to do yoga. {suggestions for studios welcome...PG county or NE DC would work best...or within walking distance of a metro station.}
a pretty new compact mirror.
a new wallet.
shoes. in the sensible department, i need at least 2 pairs of boots (black and brown) and
pretty scarves
all these books
i'm starting to crave a laptop...
miniskirt
fishnets
spring skirts
cardigans
snake jewelry!! this is a nice start. and don't forget the matching earrings...
the new orleans voodoo tarot deck
2.14.2010
an unorthodox valentine
i've heard just about every compliment a woman would want to hear. and they were sincere...
i appreciated them all, whether musings on my intellect, my physical attributes, or something inbetween.
more than just sweet-talked, i have been genuinely loved, admired, sought after.
some stayed a few weeks, others a few years.
i'm grateful for the love i've had.
but, today, i'm longing for the love i've yet to find...
i appreciated them all, whether musings on my intellect, my physical attributes, or something inbetween.
more than just sweet-talked, i have been genuinely loved, admired, sought after.
some stayed a few weeks, others a few years.
i'm grateful for the love i've had.
but, today, i'm longing for the love i've yet to find...
8.17.2009
acknowledgement
i am afraid to open the door that will allow me to comprehensively re-envision my life.
but i know i have to let go; these new dreams, ideas and concepts must be allowed to flow in, out and over me.
it's the only way to move forward.
4.03.2009
pissivity (2)
i liked you. actually, i still like you.
somehow, you warmed me from the inside out. i was emerging from a brittle, dull stretch of life and you gave me sweet water to sip.
i liked you.
then you dropped me.
i am not used to that feeling, nor is it easy for me to accept.
i know i'm mainly pissed 'cause i believed that you were my way out. when you didn't accept that role, i was disappointed and felt abandoned.
(i realize there was no way for you to see what i saw or feel what i felt, and it was too early to say so much. so there is no true "blame". just the curse of this sort of clairvoyance.)
the stalling of our physical relationship was...disconcerting, at best. i was deeply drawn to the possibility (inevitability?) of taking you as a lover, only to find we ran at vastly different speeds.
this is all familiar. i sense that you must have broken my heart once, or been an unrequited love.
i'm sure that i had to wind up back where i did for the good of us both. there was a sense that our coupling would have been analogous to going down a dead end street just to see how/where it ends.
on the other hand, i thought, "who are you to ignore me, supreme courtesan goddess queen?" it did not seem natural. it also stung a bit.
i don't know what roads you were on or have been down since, and i don't much care--since they had nothing to do with me. selfish, i know. but there's that lingering memory of when i'd have given the world for you and you ignored me. your memory is like a favorite photo framed by broken glass: beautiful, but nearly impossible to pick up for a closer look.
so, forgive me, but even as i still appreciate and like you as a person and wish you no ill will, part of me needs to say this:
somehow, you warmed me from the inside out. i was emerging from a brittle, dull stretch of life and you gave me sweet water to sip.
i liked you.
then you dropped me.
i am not used to that feeling, nor is it easy for me to accept.
i know i'm mainly pissed 'cause i believed that you were my way out. when you didn't accept that role, i was disappointed and felt abandoned.
(i realize there was no way for you to see what i saw or feel what i felt, and it was too early to say so much. so there is no true "blame". just the curse of this sort of clairvoyance.)
the stalling of our physical relationship was...disconcerting, at best. i was deeply drawn to the possibility (inevitability?) of taking you as a lover, only to find we ran at vastly different speeds.
this is all familiar. i sense that you must have broken my heart once, or been an unrequited love.
i'm sure that i had to wind up back where i did for the good of us both. there was a sense that our coupling would have been analogous to going down a dead end street just to see how/where it ends.
on the other hand, i thought, "who are you to ignore me, supreme courtesan goddess queen?" it did not seem natural. it also stung a bit.
i don't know what roads you were on or have been down since, and i don't much care--since they had nothing to do with me. selfish, i know. but there's that lingering memory of when i'd have given the world for you and you ignored me. your memory is like a favorite photo framed by broken glass: beautiful, but nearly impossible to pick up for a closer look.
so, forgive me, but even as i still appreciate and like you as a person and wish you no ill will, part of me needs to say this:
fuck you.
i wanted to hand you a bit of heaven and you turned your back on it. that's fine; i don't need you. you only hurt yourself.
still, given my charms, it hurts that someone so beautiful and honeyed did not fall under my spell. you bruised my ego, which is only truly considerable in matters of love/loving. i don't expect to get everything i want, but i sure do get a lot of it.no one asked you for undying love or loyalty. i just wanted to share something with you, and you told me no.
there's no need to explain; no explanation would suffice. you, my little challenge, resisted the irresistible, thereby simultaneously earning my wrath and my respect. congratulations, and thanks for the lesson.
gratefully, in this (life)time, there will be no jealous fits, catfights or enraged, drunken phone calls.
still, only true worshippers are allowed in my house. curiosity seekers need not cross my threshold.
you can go the fuck away now.
2.23.2009
movement
revelations seem to come by the hour.
i need to do some work around money. there's something off about how that energy is working in my life.
probably said this a million times, but i really do need to commit to finding a way to move my body.
i need to revision my space.
this may be an example to follow.
smudging, bathing, cleansing...all very necessary. i have to shake off the last bit of this old skin and protect the new one.
i have blinded myself to something i desperately need to see. i am opening, but the mental blocks i put up to protect need to fall away now, even though i fear what will happen when they do.
i need more rest than i usually do. more quiet. my tolerance for nonsense, time-wasting, and other unnecessary things is waning.
my desert cravings are returning. i should probably research the symbolism of that.
this list will probably continue to grow...
i need to do some work around money. there's something off about how that energy is working in my life.
probably said this a million times, but i really do need to commit to finding a way to move my body.
i need to revision my space.
this may be an example to follow.
smudging, bathing, cleansing...all very necessary. i have to shake off the last bit of this old skin and protect the new one.
i have blinded myself to something i desperately need to see. i am opening, but the mental blocks i put up to protect need to fall away now, even though i fear what will happen when they do.
i need more rest than i usually do. more quiet. my tolerance for nonsense, time-wasting, and other unnecessary things is waning.
my desert cravings are returning. i should probably research the symbolism of that.
this list will probably continue to grow...
2.21.2009
innerscope
saw an interesting message on twitter yesterday from god the mother:
I believe that people are drawn to spaces in this world that reflect their inner landscapes. What does your personal utopia say about you?
i need sun, heat, and plenty of water.
something between a mediterranean and a desert climate would be nice: never below 60-70 degrees, but definitely hovering around 85-90 in the summer. little humidity, some coolness at night. i wouldn't mind rain now and then, but would prefer to avoid a whole rainy season.
my house would be large, but not imposing. i don't want something that looks like what most americans think of as a mansion. a colorful adobe or hacienda style building would be perfect.
wide open kitchen and living room spaces, a small loft for an office, and a lounging/entertaining room that could double as a guest bedroom. plenty of natural light and wood/glass/stone furniture and fixtures juxtaposed with soft pillows, throws and fabrics.
my bedroom would be a hidden nook somewhere, essentially unnoticeable from the rest of the house. the entrance could even be a sort of optical illusion: a door hidden behind a beaded curtain. it'd have its own full, private bath...probably decorated in blues and purples.
i suppose i couldn't live in the desert and near an ocean, so i'd rather have the ocean. if i could be 60-90 minutes or less from a large, clean, beautiful body of water, i'd be happy. storms and all.
the waters are home, shrine, playground, and spa for me. a daily swim would do wonders.
i want my golden summer skin all year long.
i want to never have to wear more than two layers at a time. tights/pantyhose would be obsolete (unless they just looked really nice with my outfit).
i want to see beautiful plants, trees and flowers within any given month.
i want to practice yoga in my garden.
that's my utopia.
I believe that people are drawn to spaces in this world that reflect their inner landscapes. What does your personal utopia say about you?
i need sun, heat, and plenty of water.
something between a mediterranean and a desert climate would be nice: never below 60-70 degrees, but definitely hovering around 85-90 in the summer. little humidity, some coolness at night. i wouldn't mind rain now and then, but would prefer to avoid a whole rainy season.
my house would be large, but not imposing. i don't want something that looks like what most americans think of as a mansion. a colorful adobe or hacienda style building would be perfect.
wide open kitchen and living room spaces, a small loft for an office, and a lounging/entertaining room that could double as a guest bedroom. plenty of natural light and wood/glass/stone furniture and fixtures juxtaposed with soft pillows, throws and fabrics.
my bedroom would be a hidden nook somewhere, essentially unnoticeable from the rest of the house. the entrance could even be a sort of optical illusion: a door hidden behind a beaded curtain. it'd have its own full, private bath...probably decorated in blues and purples.
i suppose i couldn't live in the desert and near an ocean, so i'd rather have the ocean. if i could be 60-90 minutes or less from a large, clean, beautiful body of water, i'd be happy. storms and all.
the waters are home, shrine, playground, and spa for me. a daily swim would do wonders.
i want my golden summer skin all year long.
i want to never have to wear more than two layers at a time. tights/pantyhose would be obsolete (unless they just looked really nice with my outfit).
i want to see beautiful plants, trees and flowers within any given month.
i want to practice yoga in my garden.
that's my utopia.
2.07.2009
random ramblings re: me
it's after 10am already. will probably be close to 11am by the time i publish this.
i've been up for about four hours. that's pretty blasphemous for a saturday morning, but, it seems i've been conditioned by my commute, sadly enough.
the stress caught up with me and i've been recovering. when exhausted, i typically respond in one of three ways: sinus attack, yeast infection, or uti. the third popped up this time, and of course the antibios have put me in a precarious position around the second. thankfully my sinuses have behaved. but, probiotics, cranberry juice and water are my friends and there's a pot of womb tea on the stove...
like the new paint job? it kinda reminds me of my peaches and cream barbie.
i was going to change the template altogether--i even started to put the project on wordpress--but i didn't want to lose my widgets and links and all that. plus wordpress doesn't really let you slap in outside templates and posting seemed a bit involved (i didn't have that kind of time...). so i started playing around with colors, and voila! new shit.
originally i wanted a scarlet background--lately i'm hooked on red. makes sense, given the root chakra issues--but that made my eyes angry.
today's objective is to get the house together. they're doing another round of those b.s. apartment inspections next week, and mine "might be chosen". ugh. reason #1,921,025 i'd really love to be able to buy a house.
the last time i got a tub refinishing out of it, but they also left my bathroom door off the hinges and my house smelled like a chemical plant for about three days. i had to do some hardcore smudging to deal with that. adupe o, osayin, for your gift of herbs!
now that i think about it, the neighbors probably thought i was having one hell of a party...
ok. time for breakfast and possibly a nap. seriously considering treating myself to a pedicure. at least my toes can be scarlet...
peace & love
i've been up for about four hours. that's pretty blasphemous for a saturday morning, but, it seems i've been conditioned by my commute, sadly enough.
the stress caught up with me and i've been recovering. when exhausted, i typically respond in one of three ways: sinus attack, yeast infection, or uti. the third popped up this time, and of course the antibios have put me in a precarious position around the second. thankfully my sinuses have behaved. but, probiotics, cranberry juice and water are my friends and there's a pot of womb tea on the stove...
like the new paint job? it kinda reminds me of my peaches and cream barbie.
i was going to change the template altogether--i even started to put the project on wordpress--but i didn't want to lose my widgets and links and all that. plus wordpress doesn't really let you slap in outside templates and posting seemed a bit involved (i didn't have that kind of time...). so i started playing around with colors, and voila! new shit.
originally i wanted a scarlet background--lately i'm hooked on red. makes sense, given the root chakra issues--but that made my eyes angry.
today's objective is to get the house together. they're doing another round of those b.s. apartment inspections next week, and mine "might be chosen". ugh. reason #1,921,025 i'd really love to be able to buy a house.
the last time i got a tub refinishing out of it, but they also left my bathroom door off the hinges and my house smelled like a chemical plant for about three days. i had to do some hardcore smudging to deal with that. adupe o, osayin, for your gift of herbs!
now that i think about it, the neighbors probably thought i was having one hell of a party...
ok. time for breakfast and possibly a nap. seriously considering treating myself to a pedicure. at least my toes can be scarlet...
peace & love
5.12.2008
i'm tired and it's late & i need to go to bed
but
um
i'm feelin'
delicious
and beautiful
and wanted
sweet
desireable
adored
interesting (and interested)
new
old
and all that good stuff.
...and i ain't got to choose.
*jezebel grin*
nighty night, love muffins!
um
i'm feelin'
delicious
and beautiful
and wanted
sweet
desireable
adored
interesting (and interested)
new
old
and all that good stuff.
...and i ain't got to choose.
*jezebel grin*
nighty night, love muffins!
5.03.2008
mirror, mirror
last night i decided to appreciate myself a bit. i took a warm bath, did a full shea butter moisturizing routine, and took a look at myself.
it's one thing to have lovers tell you what makes you lovely...it's another to take in those aspects of you for yourself and see if you agree...
honey used mention that i was heart-shaped. i realized i am. my hips and pelvic mound form a sort of double heart.
the bottom i've lamented losing doesn't look bad when i'm on my hands and knees, even if it's not as bootylicious as it once was.
my breasts aren't as full as they were, but still pretty in their teardrop way. i've always thought they were shaped a little strangely, but i'm appreciative of them just the same.
i enjoy the color of my skin
my body art
the shape of my thighs
the elegance of my hands...
i suppose i can understand why i've caused one or two folk to fall for me over the years.
giggle
1.26.2008
psyched out
originally written/posted on jan. 4
i'm always walking a tightrope between two selves.
this fragmentation is what causes stops and starts in my rhythms.
it silences my prayers and my words.
one self operates from 9-5.
the other works in my real life. 6pm and beyond.
the one that wanders through dreams.
centuries ago i probably would have known many more women--surrogate mothers, sisters, friends. servant of the goddess, insulated by the temples, praised and protected for my sensitivities and ability to cross between worlds.
these days, those same proclivities are generally considered to be somewhere between insanity and naivete; modes and methods once essential to serving the divine and comprehending life reduced to vague dreamscapes or fleeting memories.
not many folks remember how to cultivate or harness them. myself included.
i am trying to--destined to, even--relearn.
still.
i'd be a basket case if i allowed myself to be myself 24/7.
my too-small house would stay full of stray animals and humans in varying states of homelessness. anyone who came to my door would be, at a minimum, fed.
against everyone's advice, i'd probably adopt a dozen foster children and teach them all how to read, sing, and dance as if their lives depended on it.
i'd kiss the sunlight back into any decent-looking man with sad eyes and hardened hands who crossed my path.
my heart would break. daily. maybe hourly.
i'd weep at the state of the world on cue.
(to the point of buying stock in kleenex...)
feel the pain of a thousand children in a breeze. and run to hold them.
the full power of my sensuality would be equally attractive and repulsive. i'd probably be a woman with many more lovers, but infinitely lonely as well.
i might bear several more children than i "ought" to--husband or no--unable to fathom why i should cease participating in the cycle of life as frequently and abundantly as god(dess) allowed, convinced the earth under my feet would provide everything we needed.
i sometimes wonder if i'll ever be strong enough to live that way. even figuratively.
for now, i'm grateful that i've learned how to survive. i do not live in fear of losing my mind like so many of my brothers and sisters on the street.
no one told them it was ok to be that way, that it was more natural than what they'd been taught was "normal".
some were berated and abused for being themselves. others were ignored, left with no mirror to reflect their lights back to them.
still others simply could not bear the weight of this world: the restless, forgotten, havoc-wreaking spirits; the lack of order and symmetry; the faces of those who have forgotten what love looks like.
it ain't easy.
i'm always walking a tightrope between two selves.
this fragmentation is what causes stops and starts in my rhythms.
it silences my prayers and my words.
one self operates from 9-5.
the other works in my real life. 6pm and beyond.
the one that wanders through dreams.
centuries ago i probably would have known many more women--surrogate mothers, sisters, friends. servant of the goddess, insulated by the temples, praised and protected for my sensitivities and ability to cross between worlds.
these days, those same proclivities are generally considered to be somewhere between insanity and naivete; modes and methods once essential to serving the divine and comprehending life reduced to vague dreamscapes or fleeting memories.
not many folks remember how to cultivate or harness them. myself included.
i am trying to--destined to, even--relearn.
still.
i'd be a basket case if i allowed myself to be myself 24/7.
my too-small house would stay full of stray animals and humans in varying states of homelessness. anyone who came to my door would be, at a minimum, fed.
against everyone's advice, i'd probably adopt a dozen foster children and teach them all how to read, sing, and dance as if their lives depended on it.
i'd kiss the sunlight back into any decent-looking man with sad eyes and hardened hands who crossed my path.
my heart would break. daily. maybe hourly.
i'd weep at the state of the world on cue.
(to the point of buying stock in kleenex...)
feel the pain of a thousand children in a breeze. and run to hold them.
the full power of my sensuality would be equally attractive and repulsive. i'd probably be a woman with many more lovers, but infinitely lonely as well.
i might bear several more children than i "ought" to--husband or no--unable to fathom why i should cease participating in the cycle of life as frequently and abundantly as god(dess) allowed, convinced the earth under my feet would provide everything we needed.
i sometimes wonder if i'll ever be strong enough to live that way. even figuratively.
for now, i'm grateful that i've learned how to survive. i do not live in fear of losing my mind like so many of my brothers and sisters on the street.
no one told them it was ok to be that way, that it was more natural than what they'd been taught was "normal".
some were berated and abused for being themselves. others were ignored, left with no mirror to reflect their lights back to them.
still others simply could not bear the weight of this world: the restless, forgotten, havoc-wreaking spirits; the lack of order and symmetry; the faces of those who have forgotten what love looks like.
it ain't easy.
12.14.2007
crazy week...
i came into some money i was owed only to have to spend it all...knowing i'll come into a little more next week.
tried to look normal while navigating a plethora of cravings, needs, and desires--including but not limited to an unnatural yen for breakfast foods, constant thoughts of sex, and a desperate need for a hot bath with rose petals and sandalwood--all of which, at this hour, remain largely unfulfilled.
got a small check, but lost my atm card (no xmas shopping for me this weekend...).
had the catering for the xmas party at work screw itself up, ultimately resulting in enough food for everyone, several "thank you"s, and, shut my mouth, leftovers.
i've also been trying to keep one man's head above water while spending time with another, all the while realizing that, despite the flaws inherent in both relationships, i love them both immensely.
froze in bed half the night (it is still ridiculously cold in here).
dealt with two phone calls in as many days from a deeply disturbed man (and i do not work in mental health...).
and i think this is the longest i can remember several nights of sleep with no dreaming and/or dreaming that makes no sense whatsoever.
sigh
i still want to cut my hair (last week there was no parking. now i don't have access to my money and will have to spend time rectifying that before i can even think of doing anything extra)
laundry's waiting to be done
i finally got the house semi-clean this evening. there's still vacuuming to do and a bathroom floor to scrub, but the kitchen is passable, you can see my living room table again, and my clothes are finally put away...
i'm still cold
etc and so on.
at least it's friday.
tried to look normal while navigating a plethora of cravings, needs, and desires--including but not limited to an unnatural yen for breakfast foods, constant thoughts of sex, and a desperate need for a hot bath with rose petals and sandalwood--all of which, at this hour, remain largely unfulfilled.
got a small check, but lost my atm card (no xmas shopping for me this weekend...).
had the catering for the xmas party at work screw itself up, ultimately resulting in enough food for everyone, several "thank you"s, and, shut my mouth, leftovers.
i've also been trying to keep one man's head above water while spending time with another, all the while realizing that, despite the flaws inherent in both relationships, i love them both immensely.
froze in bed half the night (it is still ridiculously cold in here).
dealt with two phone calls in as many days from a deeply disturbed man (and i do not work in mental health...).
and i think this is the longest i can remember several nights of sleep with no dreaming and/or dreaming that makes no sense whatsoever.
sigh
i still want to cut my hair (last week there was no parking. now i don't have access to my money and will have to spend time rectifying that before i can even think of doing anything extra)
laundry's waiting to be done
i finally got the house semi-clean this evening. there's still vacuuming to do and a bathroom floor to scrub, but the kitchen is passable, you can see my living room table again, and my clothes are finally put away...
i'm still cold
etc and so on.
at least it's friday.
12.09.2007
i know i ain't ready, but...
i wanna be in love again.
like, seriously in love with someone.
who can be there, fully
and love me
and adore me
and who i wanna adore back.
my feelings in that area are somewhat misdirected at the moment.
i'd like them to get back on track.
but how?
when?
who would i actually let in?
should i just start over with honey for what feels like the 1273840th time?
sigh
like, seriously in love with someone.
who can be there, fully
and love me
and adore me
and who i wanna adore back.
my feelings in that area are somewhat misdirected at the moment.
i'd like them to get back on track.
but how?
when?
who would i actually let in?
should i just start over with honey for what feels like the 1273840th time?
sigh
9.29.2007
teleportation & gypsies
dream sequence.
i was walking through my old elementary school trying to find a "portal" i used in recurring dreams when i was younger.
as i went through the usual sequence to get where i was going, it didn't seem to add up. a door i thought i remembered using was suddenly too small for an adult.
a few nights ago i had a similar dream about another passageway i used to access through what looked like my parents' basement. i had to concentrate harder to open the passage, and when i got through, i had to use another route because, again, the old one was too small.
i suppose that's confirmation that the releasing of old ways and methods is beneficial. i have to make a bigger, better way for myself, and it probably has more to do with expansion and deliberate action than playing around with teleportation or whatever the hell i was doing in the childhood dreams.
*segue*
not that we had much fleetwood mac in the house--there was at least one manhattan transfer album, but no fleetwood--but everything about this video and song resonated with me. even stevie's twirling dance. i loved all that fantasy stuff--the dark crystal*, legend...
when i see it now, it makes me think of oya or oshun...
*if i do wind up getting a guinea pig? i'm SO naming him/her fuzzgig...
i was walking through my old elementary school trying to find a "portal" i used in recurring dreams when i was younger.
as i went through the usual sequence to get where i was going, it didn't seem to add up. a door i thought i remembered using was suddenly too small for an adult.
a few nights ago i had a similar dream about another passageway i used to access through what looked like my parents' basement. i had to concentrate harder to open the passage, and when i got through, i had to use another route because, again, the old one was too small.
i suppose that's confirmation that the releasing of old ways and methods is beneficial. i have to make a bigger, better way for myself, and it probably has more to do with expansion and deliberate action than playing around with teleportation or whatever the hell i was doing in the childhood dreams.
*segue*
not that we had much fleetwood mac in the house--there was at least one manhattan transfer album, but no fleetwood--but everything about this video and song resonated with me. even stevie's twirling dance. i loved all that fantasy stuff--the dark crystal*, legend...
when i see it now, it makes me think of oya or oshun...
*if i do wind up getting a guinea pig? i'm SO naming him/her fuzzgig...
7.05.2007
feed me...
i've been feeling hungry again.
so, naturally, now i want to know what i'm hungry for.
it doesn't feel so much like a need for travel like last time. could be related to the baby issue. maybe a reminder to get crackin on the job hunt? i don't know.
last night i did some offerings, but i couldn't really bring myself to pray--at least not aloud. i rested in my sacred space, trying to focus and make an effort to be present. there wasn't much else i could bring myself to do aside from listening to the thunder.
i've been working with my energy a lot lately...noting ups and downs, channeling it into experiments with card reading, prayer, sometimes writing. it's been a challenge, trying to keep from falling into old patterns of inaction and apathy, but i think i've done a good job.
but the hunger is a sign that i need more.
the journey continues...
so, naturally, now i want to know what i'm hungry for.
it doesn't feel so much like a need for travel like last time. could be related to the baby issue. maybe a reminder to get crackin on the job hunt? i don't know.
last night i did some offerings, but i couldn't really bring myself to pray--at least not aloud. i rested in my sacred space, trying to focus and make an effort to be present. there wasn't much else i could bring myself to do aside from listening to the thunder.
i've been working with my energy a lot lately...noting ups and downs, channeling it into experiments with card reading, prayer, sometimes writing. it's been a challenge, trying to keep from falling into old patterns of inaction and apathy, but i think i've done a good job.
but the hunger is a sign that i need more.
the journey continues...
6.25.2007
laboring
in response to my last blog, the lovely ms. oyin sent me a quote:
do you love who you want to be enough to give up who you are?
i believe i may have finally reached that point.
the lack of fulfillment in my life is staggering. and i refuse to accept it any longer.
thankfully i am aware of the abundance around me. i feel beautiful and loved--even if my relationship isn't pleasing to me at the moment. i still feel whole, secure, and safe in the knowledge that i am on the right path.
i've taken to listening to my inner aspects...there's quite a dialogue going on.
the fearless bitch goddess says to run/leap/jump/swim to freedom, by any means necessary. take no prisoners, and claw anyone who gets in the way.
the compassionate mother goddess wants to make sure that everyone's taken care of and smiling--even if a farewell is imminent.
the love goddess wants to adorn and pamper herself, find someone to hold, touch, and stroke her curves. she's tired of fleeting encounters between too-short visits. she reminds me that being desired is nice, but it's even nicer to have desire envelop you, to want to want. it's been a long time.
the water woman stands ready to wash me clean any time i feel i need it. she keeps all kinds of potions and magic ready for me, and conspires with the honey-woman to make me feel good.
the earth lady begs me to walk barefoot in the grass, let the sun kiss me, embrace the rain, and listen to the lessons in the thunder. she reminds me that she's always there to ground and balance me, and that i don't have to be so worried about falling--she's more than willing to catch me.
it's not an easy time, but it's an exciting one.
the pains will pass and i'll be left with the joy. isn't that how it goes?
ashe.
do you love who you want to be enough to give up who you are?
i believe i may have finally reached that point.
the lack of fulfillment in my life is staggering. and i refuse to accept it any longer.
thankfully i am aware of the abundance around me. i feel beautiful and loved--even if my relationship isn't pleasing to me at the moment. i still feel whole, secure, and safe in the knowledge that i am on the right path.
i've taken to listening to my inner aspects...there's quite a dialogue going on.
the fearless bitch goddess says to run/leap/jump/swim to freedom, by any means necessary. take no prisoners, and claw anyone who gets in the way.
the compassionate mother goddess wants to make sure that everyone's taken care of and smiling--even if a farewell is imminent.
the love goddess wants to adorn and pamper herself, find someone to hold, touch, and stroke her curves. she's tired of fleeting encounters between too-short visits. she reminds me that being desired is nice, but it's even nicer to have desire envelop you, to want to want. it's been a long time.
the water woman stands ready to wash me clean any time i feel i need it. she keeps all kinds of potions and magic ready for me, and conspires with the honey-woman to make me feel good.
the earth lady begs me to walk barefoot in the grass, let the sun kiss me, embrace the rain, and listen to the lessons in the thunder. she reminds me that she's always there to ground and balance me, and that i don't have to be so worried about falling--she's more than willing to catch me.
it's not an easy time, but it's an exciting one.
the pains will pass and i'll be left with the joy. isn't that how it goes?
ashe.
4.26.2007
gimmegimmegimmegimmegimme
ok. so normally i follow a bitch session with some gratitude. but while i am always grateful, i also realize that i am in need.
some "needs" are really wants, but that's ok.
i need some bliss. stat.
so. here we are.
the new job needs to have
my own office...that i can shut the door to. even if it's small.
more than enough liquid assets.
benefits (medical, dental, vacation/sick time...)
decent coworkers i can at least tolerate and at best enjoy as people
a balance of male & female coworkers.
a diverse group of coworkers/tolerance.
downtime when i need it, but generally a steady work pace.
opportunities for promotion.
no phd's.
some mechanism whereby i don't feel like i'm babysitting. or anybody's mama.
my new apartment/house needs to have
an area for a shrine room (large den, 2nd bedroom, basement...)
a large living room/common area
rent within $100 of what i'm paying now--incl heat, gas & hot water
plenty of windows/light like my current one
plenty of room for 'dare to run around in
windowsills for 'dare to sit on
ample storage/closet space
a tub i can soak in
heat efficient windows
if no a/c, good ceiling fans
a bedroom big enough to put a chaise/loveseat in
a decent laundry room. or washer/dryer in unit
general wants/needs
new clothes
new shoes
new bras/undies
ideas for rearranging the house
white clothes, especially skirts
a larger cat scratchy loungy thing
more music...& to be able to spend $50-75 on cds whenever i damn well please
a blissful vacation featuring an ocean
more time w/ honey. lots more.
pay off my credit cards
a decent savings account (coming soon!)
new computer (coming soon!)
some "needs" are really wants, but that's ok.
i need some bliss. stat.
so. here we are.
the new job needs to have
my own office...that i can shut the door to. even if it's small.
more than enough liquid assets.
benefits (medical, dental, vacation/sick time...)
decent coworkers i can at least tolerate and at best enjoy as people
a balance of male & female coworkers.
a diverse group of coworkers/tolerance.
downtime when i need it, but generally a steady work pace.
opportunities for promotion.
no phd's.
some mechanism whereby i don't feel like i'm babysitting. or anybody's mama.
my new apartment/house needs to have
an area for a shrine room (large den, 2nd bedroom, basement...)
a large living room/common area
rent within $100 of what i'm paying now--incl heat, gas & hot water
plenty of windows/light like my current one
plenty of room for 'dare to run around in
windowsills for 'dare to sit on
ample storage/closet space
a tub i can soak in
heat efficient windows
if no a/c, good ceiling fans
a bedroom big enough to put a chaise/loveseat in
a decent laundry room. or washer/dryer in unit
general wants/needs
new clothes
new shoes
new bras/undies
ideas for rearranging the house
white clothes, especially skirts
a larger cat scratchy loungy thing
more music...& to be able to spend $50-75 on cds whenever i damn well please
a blissful vacation featuring an ocean
more time w/ honey. lots more.
pay off my credit cards
a decent savings account (coming soon!)
new computer (coming soon!)
4.17.2007
water
work in progress...started last night
puts out fire
quenches thirst
melts ice
seeks its level
wears away stone
washes away uselessness
mixes with anything and becomes
a solution
i was born under the sign
that has no enemy
osmotic and self-purifying
i can etch my name in mountains
there is a waterfall
between my thighs
warm and undulating
accepting of warm men
gateway for returning souls...
the essence
of my spirit
gives life to the world
(c) 2007 l.a.m.
puts out fire
quenches thirst
melts ice
seeks its level
wears away stone
washes away uselessness
mixes with anything and becomes
a solution
i was born under the sign
that has no enemy
osmotic and self-purifying
i can etch my name in mountains
there is a waterfall
between my thighs
warm and undulating
accepting of warm men
gateway for returning souls...
the essence
of my spirit
gives life to the world
(c) 2007 l.a.m.
3.30.2007
another one of those days.
sometimes i don't understand why i'm here or what i'm doing.
i get tired of unpaid bills,
not being paid enough...or being paid just enough...
i don't want another job like the one i have now, but will i have a choice?
going back to school would only put me in more debt. and the things i could concieve of studying wouldn't guarantee me shit.
i'm tired of being an underling to people who are half as smart as i am. most days i feel like my gifts mean nothing because there seem to be so few outlets for them in this culture.
i wanted to help heal people and ran into another spiderweb of red tape.
and what the hell is up with the disappearance of my libido? groan.
i'm not saying i want things to be easy...it'd just be nice to feel like i have a place in this world.
i know i have to stay motivated...that i can't let the bad days get me down. it's hard. the one person who could always make it better is gone now, and my internal "you can do it!" voice hasn't become strong enough yet. there are still huge parts of myself i struggle with.
it's taking just about everything i have not to run to some bathroom on another floor and cry my eyes out.
but...i won't.
it's payday. so after i finish this, i'll go pay a couple of bills
this evening i'll get some groceries and things to clean the house...i'm already planning a curried potato, lentil and spinach dish. and i can get at least the bathroom done tonight, put some clothes away (finally). maybe get some laundry done.
there's a stephen marley cd waiting for me somewhere, too.
tomorrow morning i'm going to go speak with the ancestors and take them an offering.
i know it's gonna be ok.
that still doesn't stop you from wanting to throw back a couple of petron shots and toss the world a middle finger every now and then.
i get tired of unpaid bills,
not being paid enough...or being paid just enough...
i don't want another job like the one i have now, but will i have a choice?
going back to school would only put me in more debt. and the things i could concieve of studying wouldn't guarantee me shit.
i'm tired of being an underling to people who are half as smart as i am. most days i feel like my gifts mean nothing because there seem to be so few outlets for them in this culture.
i wanted to help heal people and ran into another spiderweb of red tape.
and what the hell is up with the disappearance of my libido? groan.
i'm not saying i want things to be easy...it'd just be nice to feel like i have a place in this world.
i know i have to stay motivated...that i can't let the bad days get me down. it's hard. the one person who could always make it better is gone now, and my internal "you can do it!" voice hasn't become strong enough yet. there are still huge parts of myself i struggle with.
it's taking just about everything i have not to run to some bathroom on another floor and cry my eyes out.
but...i won't.
it's payday. so after i finish this, i'll go pay a couple of bills
this evening i'll get some groceries and things to clean the house...i'm already planning a curried potato, lentil and spinach dish. and i can get at least the bathroom done tonight, put some clothes away (finally). maybe get some laundry done.
there's a stephen marley cd waiting for me somewhere, too.
tomorrow morning i'm going to go speak with the ancestors and take them an offering.
i know it's gonna be ok.
that still doesn't stop you from wanting to throw back a couple of petron shots and toss the world a middle finger every now and then.
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