on: swine flu

while i appreciate the human toll the swine flu has taken and may take over the coming weeks, it is a good reminder that we have not defeated or subdued nature, and as long as we live on this planet, we will not and should not do so.

germs are here to stay--whether we live in the richest, most technologically advanced society or the darkest slum.

death is part of life. so is illness.

yes, things have gotten better (here), but we also have to understand that there are plenty of folks across the world who are still dying in droves from things we don't even think about anymore (e.g. tb, measles, dysentery...)

but, if it worries you, here's the bottom line:

wash your hands, especially before you eat.
stay home if you're sick.
take proper precautions if your immune system is compromised.

...just like you would if a cold were going around the office. or a stomach flu.

don't allow the doomsday prophets and tamiflu pushers to warp your perspective. live your life.

oh, and you might want to google "factory farming" and "nafta flu", too.

stay well!


fridge poetry

i don't play with these nearly enough...


you can take the people outta africa... (part 2)

ok. so i saw this:
('scuse the song's language...)

and this (would have embedded, but b. scott's fabulousness was jackin up the blogroll...), and it made me think that if you slow it down and change the lower body movements, it kinda looks like...

i'm just sayin.


you can take the people outta africa...

my atr folks can appreciate this one. watch the woman in white.

they might be hollerin "thank ya jesus", but we know the deal...


quarterlife angst

i've recently come to the conclusion that it is necessary to make my own standard, carve my own niche.

see, the land of the free is really full of illusions of freedom. true trailblazing--outside of some very narrow norms--is not encouraged or understood.

so many people are washed out imitations of something else. the energy around "compliance" is so strong that breaking away from it is painful, even if, ultimately, you feel supported.

branding is divine. everywhere there is evidence that there can only be one big anything at once, instead of a community of anythings. almost invariably, one is arbitrarily lifted above all others, shutting down the "lesser" community--even if said community is better at it or has done it longer than the chosen one.

it is the principle of "out of many, one" taken way too far.

the awakening of a need to get out from under the hive can be distressing, but it has to be possible. i don't think i was brought here just to suffocate beneath its weight.


feeling my fire

i really am not one to entertain a whole lot of bullshit.

part of it is the truth-telling that comes with my pre-moon mood mix, but i am also in the process of burning what doesn't work so that i can clear a path to what will work.

one thing i was reminded of recently: you should never make someone responsible for your fantasy of them.

meaning, if you have this preconceived image or notion of someone, you need to either (a) dispel said notions before you enter into a deeper acquaintance with the person or (b) keep your notions, but be fully prepared for disappointment in case the reality is far different.

no (self actualized) person is going to be responsible for some personality they didn't create.

life is not a romantic comedy. do not make assumptions, and when people tell you who they are, believe them.



i'm starting to feel like a flower.

a flower that grew every year in the same spot for decades--maybe longer

--until they paved that spot over for a new mini mall.

but the flower's still growing.

only now, it might not have a large enough crack in the cement to break through.

or, if it does, gets trampled by mindless teenagers and families on their way in.

the wild flower is ignored, even as people remark on the planned out, precisely ordered landscaping arrangement flowers in the area.

the flower would love to re-root itself in a forest somewhere, or even the park.

but it's stuck where it is.

how does a flower like that survive?


random blog #52349

i was gonna do a fast, but pms hit me like a brick. plus i didn't really have the funds to prepare for it anyway. will probably have to wait until late next week.

i'm still laughing at this.

i'm avoiding prayers, although i did perfume my egun table, replace oshun's cloth, and install yemonja in the bathroom. (i'm odd that way. hush. god/dess ain't finished with me yet. *grin*)

i want another tattoo, but i'll settle for fixing the erroneous "tiger" kanji first.

the pope scares me. (benedict, not necessarily popes in general)

i'm bored & a little lonely.

i keep forgetting to schedule that mammogram. ugh.

i avoided twitter today because everybody was on a "happy easter!" kick. i didn't really know what to say to that, so...

finally, art is cool. really.


#8 - stop compartmentalizing. find ways to be whole and express wholeness.

hello again,

i wanted to write again to let you know that i've come to understand a few more things.

it was hard to be you. i remember that. home was fine most of the time, but outside could be a nightmare.

you were teased and tormented.

sometimes you didn't like the right boy and wouldn't let him feel on you and he called you ugly.

you didn't always know how to protect yourself.

some of the boys you liked were into your cuter, smaller friends instead. and that hurt.

you had secrets.

you were often alone.

i'm sorry about that.

i'm also sorry about hiding you away because you remind me too much of my vulnerable, sensitive true self.

i didn't realize i had so many fears. now that i do, i'm going to work on them, even though it frightens me, because i love you, and i want you to feel free enough to express yourself. i also need you to be strong enough to help me when i need you, because you have knowledge and wisdom, too.

being in a situation where you were constantly invoked had the power to silence me--even as a grownup. at first, i didn't know what was making me so uncomfortable, because the fears were buried way down deep. down there, you still needed to be accepted and loved, and you cowered in the face of anything you thought would deny you that acceptance.

but the world didn't see you. the grownup was powerful and undeniably beautiful. she could defend herself. she wasn't afraid to be smart and outspoken, but you were: raised to be a good girl whose precocious nature did not override her responsibility to be respectful and defer to her elders.

it was a good lesson because it brought me closer to you. but it also meant saying goodbye to some things, too.

so let's keep moving, ok? i'll hold your hand. i promise.




obviously, this was a lesson that i needed to experience/learn from in order to grow spiritually, and i would not change anything about the way i went about my 2+ years of formal practice.

however, after quite a bit of soul-searching, i've realized that this is what reverting back to a somewhat literal parent/child dynamic brought up for me.

my ideal relationship to my godparent would be that of a mother to a midwife or doula: the universe is doing the actual birthing, with my godparent as the integral, earthly representative/assistant of that process.

while accessing and overcoming the aforementioned fears is necessary, continuing in that dynamic would have been problematic. it also makes me wonder if others have experienced the same when entering the practice of the traditional african religions as new-world/diasporan adults.

here, many of us are being called to the orisa/lwa/abosom with 20, 30 and more years of knowledge, understanding, and life experience intact.

respect is paramount and most certainly due (when earned). i have much to learn, and i am humble, but i have already been raised--not only by my parents, but an involved extended family. i need the power inherent in that acknowledged, respected, and implicit.

conversely, i now realize that my inner child needs to be on stronger footing before i can choose another spiritual home. it is imperative to keep that kind of silence from descending upon me again.


little girl dreams

from what i can remember, as a little girl i dreamed of:

traveling to the places i read about
winning an oscar
my big house with plenty of room for everything
having a house full of animals
performing on a stage somewhere
eating what i wanted when i wanted (lol)

...but never my wedding day.


what part of illegal don't you understand?

i'm digging this.

(unfortunately i can't literally "digg" it 'cause you've gotta sign up or something & i'm tired of arbitrarily signing up for crap, etc.)

i've been saying for years that america's kicking itself in the ass by refusing to properly educate its own kids simply because some of them don't look like kids we think should/need to be educated and/or are worthy of education.

...but we'll come up with all kinds of programs to get folks from elsewhere to do what we refuse to teach our young people to do. people who often take advantage of the opportunity to better themselves, then go back home.

it's really very simple: either you give everybody a true shot at the opportunity you're always going on about, or be honest and say it ain't here--unless you can pay for it.

it costs a lot more to keep someone in prison for 20-30 years than it does to provide them with a college education and/or job training. so what's the problem? who wouldn't want as many productive citizens as possible?

oh, right.

get outta line, and we'll toss you in jail with the quickness, age notwithstanding.


pissivity (2)

i liked you. actually, i still like you.

somehow, you warmed me from the inside out. i was emerging from a brittle, dull stretch of life and you gave me sweet water to sip.

i liked you.

then you dropped me.

i am not used to that feeling, nor is it easy for me to accept.

i know i'm mainly pissed 'cause i believed that you were my way out. when you didn't accept that role, i was disappointed and felt abandoned.

(i realize there was no way for you to see what i saw or feel what i felt, and it was too early to say so much. so there is no true "blame". just the curse of this sort of clairvoyance.)

the stalling of our physical relationship was...disconcerting, at best. i was deeply drawn to the possibility (inevitability?) of taking you as a lover, only to find we ran at vastly different speeds.

this is all familiar. i sense that you must have broken my heart once, or been an unrequited love.

i'm sure that i had to wind up back where i did for the good of us both. there was a sense that our coupling would have been analogous to going down a dead end street just to see how/where it ends.

on the other hand, i thought, "who are you to ignore me, supreme courtesan goddess queen?" it did not seem natural. it also stung a bit.

i don't know what roads you were on or have been down since, and i don't much care--since they had nothing to do with me. selfish, i know. but there's that lingering memory of when i'd have given the world for you and you ignored me. your memory is like a favorite photo framed by broken glass: beautiful, but nearly impossible to pick up for a closer look.

so, forgive me, but even as i still appreciate and like you as a person and wish you no ill will, part of me needs to say this:

fuck you.

i wanted to hand you a bit of heaven and you turned your back on it. that's fine; i don't need you. you only hurt yourself.

still, given my charms, it hurts that someone so beautiful and honeyed did not fall under my spell. you bruised my ego, which is only truly considerable in matters of love/loving. i don't expect to get
everything i want, but i sure do get a lot of it.

no one asked you for undying love or loyalty. i just wanted to share something with you, and you told me no.

there's no need to explain; no explanation would suffice. you, my little challenge, resisted the irresistible, thereby simultaneously earning my wrath and my respect. congratulations, and thanks for the lesson.

gratefully, in this (life)time, there will be no jealous fits, catfights or enraged, drunken phone calls.

still, only true worshippers are allowed in my house. curiosity seekers need not cross my threshold.

you can go the fuck away now.



i felt that i should list sorely missed things that i have ceased or nearly ceased to do for myself, whether the cessation was due to money, time, stress or plain forgetfulness.

hopefully this will help to hold me accountable and snap me back into compliance. within reason, anyway.

  • yoga
  • full self-rubdowns with shea butter
  • exfoliating showers (all you need is cornmeal, honey and a little water. make a paste with the cornmeal and honey. add water until it's spreadable. use as a scrub. you're welcome)*
  • self-induced g-spot 'gasms
  • splurges on jewelry/music/clothing/shoes
  • lingerie for no particular reason
  • more to come...

*forgot to shout out my girl dopegirlfresh for the ill homemade scrub formula.