lunar ritual: breaking vows and welcoming abundance

this is a very effective ritual for creating change in your life. if you're holding on to doubts about change or fear "losing" people/situations that you've become attached to, you may want to gain more certainty and clarity before beginning this process.

but...if you're really ready to release and shift, this is definitely for you.

also: i have seen this reversed. some people release on the full moon and give thanks on the new.  this method worked for me, but if your intuition leads you in another direction, follow that.


on the new moon...

• write/materialize your obstacle list.  what's in your way? what needs improvement? what's keeping you from achieving your goal(s)?  it should be made tangible so you can destroy it later. 
• prepare for prayer.  ground & protect yourself (visualize being surrounded in pure, brilliant white light from the bottom of your feet to the crown of your head).  open your prayer as you normally would...calling in directions, protective spirits, etc.  you can say your prayer on the morning or night of the new moon, whenever your energy runs highest. 
• say the vow break prayer. at the bottom of this entry, i've listed the vow break prayer as it appeared on the website i used (if anyone finds it in this language online, let me know). my notes are in brackets.
• banish. safely burn your obstacle list, or tear it up.  after your prayer, gather the ashes/pieces and place them on your altar or in your bathroom overnight.  in the morning, drop the ashes/pieces into the toilet, cover them with "first urine", and flush. 

during the waxing moon...

• reflect on what you want to create in the "new" space you've created with the obstacle removal. 
• take note of your dreams.  visualize. plan. 
• give thanks when you see signs of negativity and other unnecessary things leaving your life. 

on the full moon...

• give thanks.  you can make a special time to do this, or incorporate it into your typical daily spiritual ritual.  the point is to consciously express gratitude for the obstacles that have been and will be removed through your work. 
• write a gratitude list. start each sentence with "i am grateful for..."
• have a party! celebrate the fullness and beauty of the moon and yourself.  

~~~~~

VOW BREAK PRAYER

[even if you only use their list, still put it on paper.  definitely add obstacles/issues in your own words as needed and necessary. again: be confident that what goes needs to go.]


I rescind any and all vows & contracts I have taken, anyone in this body has taken, and anyone within my genetic lineage has taken pertaining to:

Going to sleep and forgetting who I am
Participating with limitation
Making limitation Real
Not following Spirit
Not trusting the movement of Spirit
Denying karmic interaction
Resisting Divinity, Infinity, and Ecstasy
Resisting communion with Spirit
Resisting full embodiment of Spirit
Parasites, fungi, bacteria, microbes, mycoplasma and/or anything else which feeds upon my bodies or beingness which are not in alignment with my highest good...
Vows to ignore a given chakra or body
Denying the mastery of myself or others
Denying the sovereignty of myself or others

[add your own language here] 

I now declare these vows & contracts null and void in this incarnation and all incarnations across space and time, all parallel realities, parallel universes, alternate realities, alternate universes, all planetary systems, all source systems, all dimensions and the Void.

Spirit, please release all structures, devices, entities, orientations or effects associated with these vows & contracts. NOW! 


MOON PHASES 2012 - 2013
[source - http://www.calendar-365.com/moon/moon-phases.html]


New moon - September 15, 2012
Full moon - September 29, 2012

New moon - October 15, 2012
Full moon - October 29, 2012

New moon - November 13, 2012
Full moon - November 28, 2012

New moon - December 13, 2012
Full moon- December 28, 2012

New moon - January 11, 2013
Full moon- January 26, 2013

New moon- February 10, 2013
Full moon - February 25, 2013

New moon - March 11, 2013
Full moon - March 27, 2013

New moon - April 10, 2013
Full moon - April 25, 2013

New moon - May 9, 2013
Full moon - May 24, 2013

New moon - June 8, 2013
Full moon - June 23, 2013

New moon - July 8, 2013
Full moon - July 22, 2013

New moon - August 6, 2013
Full moon - August 20, 2013

New moon - September 5, 2013
Full moon - September 19, 2013

New moon - October 4, 2013
Full moon - October 18, 2013

New moon - November 3, 2013
Full moon - November 17, 2013

New moon - December 2, 2013
Full moon - December 17, 2013

the singlehood chronicles #10: 2 years later

i fit "the demographic": never married, over-30 Black woman.

the kicker: no kids.

trust me, i am not about to delve into the sickening, desperate/despondent, wedded-to-an-endangered-species trope which, in my opinion, is a distorted, hastily drawn conclusion about a complex issue.

still, my reality puts me in a distinct position even in my closest circles. i am slowly becoming The Only One, especially when it comes to motherhood. 

for now, i don't have the cold hard cash to ball my way through my blues.  the velvet glove on that iron fist would be much thicker if i did.  and although i'm still rather ambivalent about mothering and do not long for a child, several dynamics shift when the worlds of others revolve around babies and yours still revolves around...well, you.  

what's frightening is that love and loving has never felt as difficult or elusive as it does now.  i cannot remember a time when i've been this deeply, absolutely single.  for most of my life i've been involved in some kind of love relationship--not because someone told me i "had" to, or even because i sought them out.  they felt right for their time and were easy to find.  i took breaks at will, and it was easy to pick it back up.     

true, i've been focused on several other things over the last 3-4 years, and  i definitely consider myself blessed.  i'm enormously proud of what i've achieved, and i love my friends and the people in my life.  i'm grateful to have the support of my birth and chosen families.

but the clouds creep in more often now, and they're a little more articulate than usual.

i'm human.
i'm a woman.
a woman who has loved and been loved deeply and well.

i can't unlearn that love, or forget it.  no matter how many days i "wish" i could, i know i wouldn't trade those experiences for the world.

but for now, it makes sense to commit to living for myself, and living well.  my hope is to create a life that will allow me to care for myself and realize my dreams--whether there's someone to share it with or not.

i remain open to love, family and the rest, but i've gotten beyond mourning the lack of it.

clearly i'm meant for something outside the "usual" configuration.

time to go out and discover what that something is.
 

{for the other "singlehood" posts, click here.}

a soul ajar

i am opening.
and being opened.

this terrifies me.

i realize that, outwardly, i am not what anyone would call "closed". i am quick to smile, laugh, connect with people.

this, however, is an opening to the whole of myself, to seeing and manifesting all that i have within to make my life what i need and want it to be, finally.

exciting as that sounds, the closures have been a lifetime in the making--catalyzed by fear of being misunderstood, the pain of ridicule and separation, the desire to be "like everyone else".

it's true that i no longer fear myself, but this next step almost feels more daunting than releasing that anxiety.

i realized that releasing the fear would make me more comfortable.  i don't know what this opening is going to look like.  i do know it's going to require a lot of trust and faith. 

it's also one more thing i have to face "alone", which is enough to make me want to hide under the covers until it goes away.*

in the end, though, the process will be the same: eventually my ego takes over and refuses to let this--or any other bump in my emotional road--"beat" me, and i commit to making myself feel better.

so i suppose i should just get started.    



*lately i've been almost hyperaware of what's lacking in my intimate life. whooooole other blog. which i probably won't write here.

Dr. Amos Wilson

i grew up calling this common sense...but it's not always that way...

kevin powell's open letter to chris brown

yes, it's long.

but it's on point.

i'm only about 1/3 through it, but knew i had to share.

i've known so many men who could have written this...some are still in the process of writing it.

either way, it's worth a look.

thank you, kevin, for saying what so many brothas need to hear. even if chris doesn't take it to heart, someone will.

here come the blues...

i admire folks who can love autumn.

when summer ends, i take a deep breath and start counting the hours of sunlight that disappear. i realize that by thanksgiving, i'm probably going to be something of a wreck.

on my little corner of the east coast, we're coming to the end of the first officially chilly week, and all i want to do is hide in a cave and cry. no amount of hot cider, butternut squash, specialty seasonal coffee drink, or pumpkin muffins (not that i like pumpkin muffins...) will change that.

yes, the leaves are beautiful, but soon they will be gone...and i miss being surrounded by green.

yeah, the "holidays" are kinda sorta something to look forward to. but...eh.

come ooooon, spring...

love/thought bursts

i am stretching in ways i could not have anticipated; new superpowers emerge daily.

i did not explicitly ask for this (or maybe i did), but i'm remaining grateful for the journey.

interestingly, i used to be completely focused on working to open my heart, to heal and accept love/loving as it arrived in my life.  i refused to let the pain overtake me or steal my joy.

today, i'm constantly aware of how heavily fortified my heart is...not from hurt and shame, but because i gave my heart to someone who dropped it.  from a very high height.

all those years of opening led to another closing; an understanding that i can only make myself available to someone with much steadier hands. until he appears, the fort has to stay in place.

it isn't ideal, but it works.        

i know precisely what i'm dancing around; i am keeping time with the music and measuring my steps.

i know loving fully and deeply again will not be easy for me, but i will face the new openings and fears when they come.

the right partner, the right loving will give me the strength.   

truce

i wound up speaking with him...i probably shouldn't be surprised, considering mercury's retrograde.

although it began awkwardly, the timing was actually perfect in its own way. and the ancestors held my hand through the whole thing.

it's nice to see that chapter coming to a close in such an unexpectedly peaceful way. especially when there's so much in front of me.

pushing forward...

some thursday navel gazing...

lately i feel like a big ball of "i want" and "i need".  i get sick of the whining in my own head.

i'm doing my level best to fulfill as many of those needs for myself as possible. i do pretty well, if i do say so myself.

but it does get tiring.

i often find myself wishing i could be babied a little. have someone else do some small stuff so i can dream a little longer. get hugs on demand.

this is when i realize how isolating the last few years of my life have been. and it makes me wonder if there is anything worth putting that kind of laser-focus on for more than a few months at a time. when i dive into something important, i dive deep, sometimes to the exclusion of many other things.

am i too multi-faceted for that? should i always keep a certain level of stimulation coming from several different angles?

this is not to suggest regret.  i realize that focus created what was--at the time--a safe space.  and i needed to learn those lessons.  but now that i'm past 30, i would never want to spend that length of time on anything without some semblance of a guarantee that  my efforts were going to come to fruition. 

this is also why finding one thing to be "when i grow up" is so difficult...i see too many angles, too many possibilities. even singular things encompass many aspects...

and why do i always go through this shit right before my birthday?!?!

i think too damn much.

that's probably the answer to everything.

odun mi (my year)

new year's eve was full of prayers and desire-renewing.

much of the eclipse list i started in the summer of 2008 is still being fulfilled. and, apparently, the stars are lining up in my favor.

given the trials and challenges of the last couple of years, that is certainly welcome news.

i have known deep pain and heights of pleasure.
i have learned and taught.
i have struggled and endured.

every up seemed to have a down...mirror reflections everywhere. nothing was easy.  i often felt like i had to steal fun or a moment to breathe.

when i asked five goddesses to guide me through 2010, they replied:

• synthesis {gyhldeptis} - a frequent presence in my recent readings. this is an ongoing challenge for me, but one i finally feel comfortable facing. i immediately recognized it as the "hub", or fifth card. the other four i consider resting in the four directions.
• ecstasy {eurynome} - this is core to my being. spiritually, emotionally, physically.
• pleasure {hathor} - also core.
• embracing the shadow {inanna} - another ongoing  challenge. but i am stronger in this than i've ever been.
• creativity {ix chel} - i am more at peace with my gifts than i have been since i was a child/adolescent, and i seek to continue that. 

so that's that.

happy new year.

latest revelations

outgrowing a situation isn't synonymous with arrogance. everybody's got their level, and it's important to live up to yours. if your surroundings don't reflect that, it's time for change.

on a related note, "good girl" and "good student" guilt gets you nowhere. it's amazing how insidious cultural mores can be: you feel like you got rid of something, then you're hit with a situation that pushes all those buttons. in turn, you feel horrible and can't figure out why.

my comfort level with change is still in need of work. much as it fks with me, i might as well cozy up to it. stability can become stagnation if you're not careful.

i desire to come into my potential on my terms and in my time. i refuse to succumb to the notion that just 'cause i'm good at _____ i need to be doing it for the rest of my life. it's what my teachers did at school. some employers have even tried to do it. and all it's done is led me in circles.

i have a lot of tools in my hands now. i have to figure out what i truly want to build.

blossoming

i feel like i'm having more interesting conversations with more interesting people.

the world feels more open and full of promise than it has in some time.

it's almost wintertime, but the feeling of fertility makes it seem like spring. i can't even imagine how glorious that actual season will be.

it appears that obama served as a medium for the chant of change...but the energy generated from it is very real. see how spirit works?

we have opened a portal where true, lasting change really is possible.

the work has started.
the mantra has manifested.

2009 is going to be a very compelling year.

nothin to it but to do it...

i feel like i'm in the midst of one of those challenging transitions where i need a lot of quiet.

there's a constant sense of work, strategy, maneuvering.

it's imperative that i keep my spaces clean and clear. clutter equals stress, and dirt is especially irritating.

time is precious and needs to be rationed wisely.

my body's changing again. i'm not sure how to feel about it. my mother told me once that my father's sister--whom i resemble pretty closely--suddenly started to slim down around 30, despite having at least one, if not two, of her daughters by then.

on the other hand, there are folks around me with far more pressing issues...hence, i'd feel almost silly complaining.

but...stress is stress. and i'm trying to keep mine from becoming too overwhelming.

steppin to the mic

thinking about this entry again...

i went to an open mic last night at the urging of a couple of talented brothas, and i had a nice time. lots of very talented folks came through and performed.

i also realized that i have no desire to go back to that scene--at least not as a participant.

i'm not saying i'll never write a poem again--i just wrote one the other day--and i'd most certainly go to poetry/spoken word events ("i need to get out more" is a vast understatement). but i don't have any need to share my own musings beyond these online spaces.

the selective stage fright has dissipated. the idea of reading doesn't fill me with dread, but there's also no burning need to speak my peace.

time and space, apparently, have neutralized me.

i'm always going to write because, well, it's what i do. but perform? probably not.

for now, i'll keep (most of) my notebooks, but there will be a massive digital purge. it's all just dead creative weight at this point; fragments that have been lying around for so many years, there's no way to know how to reassemble them.

some things i've "thought" of, i've seen written since. it was my personal proof of the theory that ideas are literally floating through the air, and you and 500 other folks might discover a concept at the same time, but only one or two will actually flesh it out in a way that exposes it to the wider world. the other 498-499 will simply think you a genius when you do.

i've probably lost more half novels and semi second drafted stories than i've ever written--either to outdated technology, the death of my laptop, lost disks, torn up notebooks, etc. and so on--hence the paragraph under this blog's title.

and i'm not sad about it.

i don't know if it's because i'm still finding my voice, or that i'm just not meant to write the next great (american?) novel.

but i'm coming to think of writing as not my calling, but simply a vessel of expression i excel at.

perhaps i will write a book or a blog about my calling that will pull it all together...

but, i'm not a slam poet.
or a mc.
i'm probably not even a novelist or story writer, despite my bits of training.

just a girl who plays with words now and then.

fish out of water

preparing to fast forces introspection.

now that i've done it a few times, no matter how long it's been, the very intent to purge and renew--particularly when i'm long overdue for it--pushes me to focus in surprising ways.

case in point: the house has been a mess for weeks. work had me in and out of town all through january, and i simply had neither the will nor the way to get myself or my space together--some shrine maintenancce notwithstanding. i'm sure that the miscarriage (which still feels unreal...) had something to do with that as well.

in any case, i finally picked up my bedroom last night, changed the linens, etc. i still need to remove the random books from the side of the bed.

but once the space was clear, i felt the need to do a few things.

a full moon will arrive towards the end of my cleansing. my intention is to renew the practice of burning obstacles on the full moon and giving thanks/filling space on the new moon. this serves to fine tune and clear my ori, putting me in a better position to work with my traditional shrines and maintain an overall sense of well-being.

in preparation, i wrote out my stumbling blocks and put a couple of prayers on the back of the paper. i left the list on the goddesspace with guadalupe, covered in stones (quartz, moonstone, aquamarine).

working with the goddess cards was another enriching exercise. some ancestor must have been a card reader, because i have fallen in love with them and my tarot deck...i am so glad my intuition led me to begin that learning. but i digress.

the response to my first question, what do i need to know about my womb?, wasn't surprising. selfhood--personified by artemis--is the ultimate goal. i need to renew and rediscover myself. find out who i really am now, and what she wants.

duuuuhhh....

consequently, i've also been feeling very protective/insular about sex. rarely am i so protective when i'm functioning in relationship...or maybe i'm more removed from that than i realize? skimming through sacred woman, queen afua's words resonated: "if the womb has been damaged in any way, a woman's level of creativity and inspiration, stability, success in relationships and fertility levels is potentially impaired."

i am wounded. i require healing. i'm owning that.

responsibility also showed up. i wrote:

i do accept responsibility. i have lingered on distractions too long, dealt with some of the wrong foods, etc. i have not given my body [or spirit, for that matter...] the appropriate breaks. i have not honored the wild, free parts of me. i have lost my way.

next, i asked, what are the signs of healing? the answer: justice (ma'at) for my wild/wise woman, creativity, and assertion and fullfillment of my sexual/sensual needs. i need to feel, be surrounded in sensation; i need to be inspired--things i've been saying for months.

i need to have a temper tantrum, then examine what gets tossed around. figure out what's broken for good and what can stay.

i know my relationship with honey isn't going to give me that in the megadoses i need. i don't know how honey will hold up through all of this, but i'm trying not to worry over that. i will never be satisfied if i keep falling into the trap of trying to scour his depths and mine simultaneously--at least when i'm not well.

my usual partner in these matters, cosmo, is too wrapped up in his own healing/reorientation and unavailable to me. and if he were available, i'm not sure i would want to deal with the fallout of wrapping myself around him.

this journey is a solitary one. i can deal with that, but it's not what i'm used to, particularly when i'm already feeling like i've lost community in so many ways.

to be continued. as always.

...keep reading the list...

crazy week...

i came into some money i was owed only to have to spend it all...knowing i'll come into a little more next week.

tried to look normal while navigating a plethora of cravings, needs, and desires--including but not limited to an unnatural yen for breakfast foods, constant thoughts of sex, and a desperate need for a hot bath with rose petals and sandalwood--all of which, at this hour, remain largely unfulfilled.

got a small check, but lost my atm card (no xmas shopping for me this weekend...).

had the catering for the xmas party at work screw itself up, ultimately resulting in enough food for everyone, several "thank you"s, and, shut my mouth, leftovers.

i've also been trying to keep one man's head above water while spending time with another, all the while realizing that, despite the flaws inherent in both relationships, i love them both immensely.

froze in bed half the night (it is still ridiculously cold in here).

dealt with two phone calls in as many days from a deeply disturbed man (and i do not work in mental health...).

and i think this is the longest i can remember several nights of sleep with no dreaming and/or dreaming that makes no sense whatsoever.

sigh

i still want to cut my hair (last week there was no parking. now i don't have access to my money and will have to spend time rectifying that before i can even think of doing anything extra)

laundry's waiting to be done

i finally got the house semi-clean this evening. there's still vacuuming to do and a bathroom floor to scrub, but the kitchen is passable, you can see my living room table again, and my clothes are finally put away...

i'm still cold

etc and so on.

at least it's friday.

reasonable silence...

i've been more concerned with experience than words. i'm ruled by my senses...the touch, feel, taste of things.

when i'm thrust into something new, i have to feel my way through. my capabilities for speech are diminished during the adjustment period. i have only been able to write enough to achieve understanding of the reasons that i am not writing.

if that makse sense.

my exposure to him* is probably a factor as well. our experience of each other is largely one of pure sensory overload. his presence is catalytic.

among other things.

anyway, y'all have a blissful weekend.

the moon is waxing. seeds are growing.
hope you've got a bountiful harvest to celebrate once she's full.


*note to self: he needs a blog-alias...some of y'all know the full story. any suggestions?

i've got a lot to think about.

and some changes to go through. so forgive me if i don't write often...

the new job came through, so i've been giving thanks for that.

but now, all of a sudden, the current gig's got the money i should have had six months ago.

however....

i need a challenge.
i need to stretch my wings away from what i like to call the evil empire.
i need a change of scenery--even if it does come with a commute.
i need...fresh air. new faces.
i need opportunities that are gonna help me in the long run.

this deal i've been offered feels like a retrograde special--do it, and you'll regret it.

esu's already spoken, and so has my ori.

i know where i need to be, and i'm pretty certain that it ain't where i'm at.

but a little meditation & some cowrie tossin never hurt.

y'all stay beautiful.
peace.

a mad, mad, mad world

there are things i'd like to write about that are better kept quiet until i'm sure of the outcome.

other things i can feel, but have few or no words to express.

i'll try to touch on what i can, 'cause i have to get something out...

i feel another project coming on--that, or something calling out to be finished. i had a promising story/novel come to me a few years ago that i haven't been able to develop into any kind of coherent whole. it pokes me every now and then, i scribble whatever comes, then i leave it until the next time. not exactly a winning strategy.

the love project is...stalled. that was easier to work from a place of angst and a need to organize unrequited emotion. but, as he's wont to do, the subject of the piece has reared his head. now there's a new set of sentiments to deal with.

i recently began to reread ...said the shotgun to the head. i may have mentioned before that i enjoy saul williams because he's the only male poet i've read (to date) who seems to be trying to understand the divine feminine on a deep level. he also seems like the kind of man i'd probably fall head over heels for, but that's beside the point.

something in his words hits me on levels i didn't know anyone knew i had. he has a way of stirring the parts of me i've attempted to subdue in the name of normalcy. i realize that that is probably due more to his mediumship than the beauty of his poetry. i sense that he is often a vessel, same as i am.

i'd like to ask him how he learned to surrender...

there's also a lingering sense of need for...a spark. some sense of purpose, a goal, something. it seems that whenever i gain a new understanding or realization it just leaves me lusting after something else.

and now, instead of the depression it caused a few weeks ago, it's starting to feel like an itch. irritating and almost intangible. there's also a sprinkling of rage i like to call hungry baby syndrome, i.e., you scream until you're fed.

welcome to my mess.

y'all mind the retrograde, now.

teleportation & gypsies

dream sequence.

i was walking through my old elementary school trying to find a "portal" i used in recurring dreams when i was younger.

as i went through the usual sequence to get where i was going, it didn't seem to add up. a door i thought i remembered using was suddenly too small for an adult.

a few nights ago i had a similar dream about another passageway i used to access through what looked like my parents' basement. i had to concentrate harder to open the passage, and when i got through, i had to use another route because, again, the old one was too small.

i suppose that's confirmation that the releasing of old ways and methods is beneficial. i have to make a bigger, better way for myself, and it probably has more to do with expansion and deliberate action than playing around with teleportation or whatever the hell i was doing in the childhood dreams.


*segue*


not that we had much fleetwood mac in the house--there was at least one manhattan transfer album, but no fleetwood--but everything about this video and song resonated with me. even stevie's twirling dance. i loved all that fantasy stuff--the dark crystal*, legend...

when i see it now, it makes me think of oya or oshun...





*if i do wind up getting a guinea pig? i'm SO naming him/her fuzzgig...